THE CHRISTMAS MOUSE
Levi leaned back against the wall, arms folded across his chest and glared at all the aristocrats and military officers gathered in small groups talking about nothing or dancing out on the floor. "I have no idea why fucking Eyebrows insists on making me come to these things at the capital every year. I really hate these damn upper class functions," he growled.
"Yeah, no shit," answered the dark haired woman beside him. "It's the one thing I really hate about my husband's job. He always has these stupid Festivals of Snobbery to attend and as his dutiful wife, I have to accompany him."
"Could be worse. You could have married Pixis," Levi said dryly.
The poor woman nearly choked on her drink as she burst out laughing. "I suppose you do have a point there! But at least the old fart can dance. Nile has two left feet!"
"What do you see in that stiff ass moron anyway?"
"Well, you know the saying 'Love is blind'? Well, it's not true. Love is cross-eyed," she replied. "I know the MPs and Scouts don't get along very well, but you know as well as I do that Nile is a good man."
"I will admit no such thing, Marie. I have my reputation to maintain," Levi snorted.
Both stood in silence for a few minutes, glowering at the show of extravagance before them. Levi had known both Nile Dok and his wife, Marie, since before he'd met Commander Erwin Smith. Against all odds, Levi did, in fact, trust Nile even though he was the head of the Military Police Brigade. Whatever else he may be, Nile was a careful and reasonable man. He had to be in order to fit in with and deal with the aristocracy on a daily basis.
Marie, on the other hand, was a down to earth woman with no tolerance for the 'snobbery' of the upper classes. That was, perhaps, the reason Levi liked her. "Ugh! This is supposed to be a Christmas party! You'd think it was a funeral!" she moaned.
"Considering how often these aristocratic pigs do this sort of shit, it's no surprise that there's nothing special about it to them," Levi explained.
"Too bad you couldn't have a drinking competition with Nile at this shindig," Marie mused. "That would be entertaining."
Levi let out a sound that could be described as a laugh. "You'd think that idiot would have learned by now that he can never out drink me."
A waltz started playing as Marie knocked back the last of her drink, set the glass down on the nearest table, then turned to Levi with her hand outstretched. "I feel like dancing, and since my husband is cursed with two left feet and is no doubt schmoozing with the aristocrats, would you do me the honor of being my partner?"
Levi bowed, then took her outstretched hand and led her to the dance floor. People eyed the pair strangely. Marie was known to be the wife of the commander of the entire Military Police Brigade. She was dressed in a lovely gown and blended in with all the other fine 'ladies' at the ball.
Unlike most officers, who wore fancy non-uniform suits for such occasions, Levi stubbornly refused to do so. He wore his regular uniform (minus the ODM straps). He was a scout and he was very proud of that fact and was took great pleasure in the knowledge that it actually offended some people.
People were even more surprised to see that the crass little scout could actually dance. The scout and the Commander's wife waltzed effortlessly across the floor with far greater grace than most of the aristocrats.
Marie kept looking at one particular countess seated at a table next to the dance floor. The woman was rather large and had the accompanying large bust. The woman shamelessly wore a dress that came down entirely too far in the front, showing off the excess bustage. "Don't even go there, Marie." Levi's warning brought her out of her daydreams.
She giggled. "I was just wondering what would happen if someone 'accidentally' dropped a piece of ice down her cleavage."
Levi raised a slender eyebrow. "Well, it would definitely liven things up."
When the dance ended, the two went back to their place against the wall. "I'm sorry, Levi. It's my fault you were dragged to this Festival of Snobbery," Marie suddenly said. "Nile knows how much I hate these things and keeping up appearances. He also knows how well you and I get along, so he asked Erwin to bring you along to keep me entertained and out of trouble."
Levi snorted. "Nile, of all people, should know that I am definitely not the person to entrust with keeping anyone out of trouble. I'm every bit as likely to be the one causing the trouble, and old Eyebrows knows it!"
Marie giggled and they then fell silent. After a few minutes, a bit of movement near their feet caught both their eyes. A little brown mouse was making its lazy way across the room scouring for any crumbs that had been dropped. Levi and Marie both looked at the mouse, then at each other, then at the buxom countess across the room, then back at each other. It was obvious they were both thinking the same thing.
Quicker than a cat, Levi pounced on the mouse and lifted his prize up by the tail. The mouse hung from his fingers by its tail rather serenely considering its circumstances. "Give it to me," Marie said. "I can get close to her without raising suspicion."
"Good idea," Levi agreed as he handed over the tiny rodent. "Once you've given her the present, make for the balcony doors. I'll be waiting there for you."
"Perfect!" Marie exclaimed as she placed the mouse down between her own (albeit better covered) breasts and made her way across the crowded ballroom.
Levi slipped out onto the balcony, which, considering his intense dislike of crowds, was perfectly normal behavior, so aroused no suspicion. He watched as Marie came up behind the countess and leaned over the woman's shoulder, greeting her enthusiastically. No one but Levi noticed as Mrs. Dok took the mouse and dropped it down the countess' cleavage.
The reaction was instantaneous and better than Levi had hoped for. Marie was surprisingly quick and agile and got out of the way before the rotund woman leapt to her feet with equally surprising speed and a shrill scream, toppling the table in the process. For a split second everything stopped; the music, the dancing, the talking – as everyone's attention focused on the shrieking countess.
Levi pulled Marie out onto the balcony, closed and locked the doors behind her. They watched through the glass as chaos ensued. A domino effect of tables being knocked over began. The countess' table flung food and drink everywhere, and the other people sitting there jumped up and back, startling the people at the next table, who leapt up and upended their table which carried on to the next two tables as well.
The countess, in the mean time, was turning red and scarcely able to breath as she kept pointing to her chest. "It's . . . it's . . . it's . . . aliiiiiiiive!" she finally gasped.
Trying to be helpful, one of the merchants from the next table over, bravely stuck his hand down her cleavage to retrieve whatever it was that was alive. His thanks was a solid punch to the jaw and an indignant "HOW DARE YOU!" As the poor man fell backwards, the mouse went flying through the air and landed on the buffet table where it immediately began to run for cover.
All of the prim and proper ladies squealed in horror and revulsion, and their escorts tried to crush the poor mouse as it ran by. This resulted in food and drink flying as the men missed the target, which lead the already squealing ladies to squeal louder, trying to back away from the flying food.
The mouse finally reached the end of the table, but before a cane wielding merchant could crush it, it leapt over into the nearly seven meter tall Christmas tree. Marie had tears running down her face from laughing so hard, but she stopped and her eyes widened. She knew what was going to happen next. Even Levi's eyes widened as several men attacked the tree to drive the mouse out.
Almost in slow motion, the giant tree began to lean, then tip and fall all the way to the floor. Screams of the terrified nobles trying to get out of the way of the falling giant mingled with the sound of breaking glass ornaments and Christmas balls rolling across the floor. The tree finally hit the floor with a dull thud. The ballroom basically looked like a titan had rampaged through it. Food, decorations and glass were everywhere. A few nobles stuck their heads up out of the fallen tree, looking a little dazed.
Marie sat back against the balcony's stone railing and broke down laughing even harder. "Oh my god! That was fucking hilarious!"
"No shit!" Levi agreed. "That was even better than I'd hoped it would be!"
He unlocked and cautiously opened the balcony doors to look at the disaster within. Both he and Marie watched in silent, wide eyed and open mouthed shock as the mouse walked calmly out the doors, across the balcony and dropped into the bushes below. Levi and Marie looked at each other a moment before Marie slid down to the balcony floor and roared laughing so hard she could scarcely breathe.
As soon as Nile saw his wife sitting on the ground laughing, he groaned. "Why do I have the feeling you had something to do with this?" he asked as he helped his wife to her feet and led her inside. Levi followed, stepping carefully so as not to get any of the mess on his boots.
They approached Erwin, who stood near where the entire scene had started, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I should have known. I really should have known."
Levi innocently gazed up at the chandelier, which had been damaged by the falling tree. "It must have fallen from the chandelier."
Marie burst out laughing anew, Nile rolled his eyes and Erwin groaned. When they finally left the building, they were joined by Commander Pixis. The old man took a swig from his flask. "I've been going to these hooplas for a lot of years now. This was the first one I actually had fun at."