Only You
It all belongs to Michael Crichton and anyone who has rights on it.
Author's Notes
***
Chapter 1
Fall With Me
Where did you go?
Where did it crash?
When did it start to fall?
Lara Fabian – Giving Up On You
***
"Hey, Abby." Abby strode in through the County Cook General doors and went into the staff room, where she was immediately greeted by Carter.
"Hey." She ran a hand through her soft hair, and rubbed her bleary eyes. God, she hated early shifts. Carter grinned sympathetically and absentmindedly took note of the way she the light fell on her hair.
"I got a minor waiting for you in curtain three, if you could take it, but you can get a coffee first." Abby smiled dryly.
"Oh, the joys of what this hospital laughingly calls coffee early in the morning just before I attend another screaming patient."
"You know it – why don't you go grab a coffee across the street? You're a few minutes early." Smiling gratefully, Abby spun around and started her way out the doors when a female patient was wheeled in with multiple lacerations to the body – another victim of crime. Malucci was calling for someone to assist. Sighing, Abby spun around again exasperatedly and started her shift.
***
Later on in the day once Abby had treated the patient in curtain three, she had gone to the staff room and made herself a cup of coffee. It tasted disgusting, but it was coffee. She cradled it in her hands like it was something precious. Precious to her, anyway. Just about everything else was falling apart, but she could count on the coffee, which tasted bitter and brought her daily doses of caffeine. She closed her eyes and pretended she had more than a few moments to herself. She couldn't think. If she thought too much, she was sure she would fall into depression. So many things were going wrong. The intense, silent moments that grew longer every time she spoke to Luka. Luka loved her, but he never told her, never showed his emotions to her. The distant moments with her mother when she could think straight. No words needed to be spoken – they screamed at her loudly enough. And the feelings. The new, unwanted feelings that could shatter her already fragile world. The ones for Carter. They had started to stir only a few weeks ago, breaking her, pulling her and Luka apart. She pushed it away, all of it. She didn't care – she didn't want to feel for John any other way than as a friend. There was no way that she would hurt Luka that way, even if there was a chance, the slightest chance that Carter had felt these 'hormonal breakdowns' as she called them. All the small things that she suddenly noticed about him, how his hair smelled of coconut and how he smiled genuinely at her when she was having a rough day. The way his eyes glimmered – when he had dated Rena. And then she found out that Rena had dumped him because of her. Did it mean anything? Or was it just a common misconception made frequently by a young girlfriend, mistaking the close companionship between them for something that would make her jealous? Sometimes, she could feel his eyes following her, as if they wanted her, wanted to share her laughter, wanted to be her reason for living, but she never did turn to see if he was watching. She was too scared with what she might find in those chocolate brown eyes of his. And she could never do it to Luka. Never. Carter entered the staff room.
"Sorry, Abby, but Luka wants your help in curtain six." He stood close to her, making himself a coffee and she could feel the fabric of his clothing brushing against hers, the warm skin underneath. She dropped the polythene coffee cup into the bin shakily and started out of the staff room. She would never do that to Luka. Never. Her hands trembled.
***
Carter sat back in the old, tattered chair in the staff room, breathing in and out, slowly. He felt as if he were hyperventilating. It was killing him to see Abby like this everyday, to feel her so close to him, knowing that she never thought what he thought about her. A love unrequited. He couldn't do this, he couldn't be so close to her, couldn't be her shoulder to cry on when there were communication problems between her and Luka, couldn't be the one who drove her to Oklahoma to rescue her mom. He just couldn't. He knew that Abby would never feel that way about him. When Rena had dumped him on accusations that he had a crush on Abby, Rena didn't know how close she actually was to the truth. Maybe it was more than a crush. And things between him and Luka were straining especially now he had been spending too much unhealthy time with Abby. He knew that Luka was getting suspicious, but Luka had nothing to be suspicious about. He had his girl. And she loved no one else but him. Carter could only wish that she would ever feel a glimmer of something more than compassionate friendship with him. Sometimes he would watch her walking around the ER, maintaining her banter with Malucci whilst handling the cases. Watching the way she pulled her hair behind her ears when it fell in her face and chewed her lip when troubled. He didn't just admire her for her skill – he admired her for the way she was efficient with patients, the way she tenderly handled the small children, the way she laughed, the way she coped with her mother. Mostly, the way she stole his heart. But she would never love him. He told himself that it would never happen, so he should just forget it. But stepping out the staff room, he watched her walking down the corridor, her features concentrated, figure poised, heading into curtain six, bracing herself for the patient or Luka, he couldn't tell. He simply felt more compassion towards her than before. No, these feelings would not go away until something was done.
***
Abby pulled off her gloves after stepping out the curtain, closely followed by Luka.
"Well, that was successful." Luka said, trying to break the tense silence between them.
"Hmm." Abby walked on slightly quicker, she didn't want to be in this position, she didn't want to have another argument, not here, not now.
"Abby?"
"Uh-huh?"
"Never mind." Breathing a sigh of relief that no confrontation had occurred, she walked, never seeing the pained face of Luka's, etched with confusion and anguish. She carried on walking.
***
The moment Abby got into her and Luka's apartment, she dumped her stuff on the floor and immediately went to take a shower. The hot, almost scalding water relaxed her, soothed her tired and aching body. Finishing the shower, she pulled on a shirt and jeans and stood on the balcony, breathing the cool air in, holding on tightly to the sides of the rail so tightly that her knuckles turned white. She balanced precariously on the edge, looking down at the busy night, people still moving about, the bright lights still shining like mini stars in the city. She did this often, looking over the balcony, telling herself that she shouldn't jump, that as long as she was helping the occupants of Chicago, she had a reason for living. But then she thought that an unhappy doctor wasn't a very good doctor, and it had proved true recently, making small slip-ups and mistakes that even Malucci couldn't have made. Tears were running down her face, stinging her cheeks, the wind biting. Suddenly resolved, she grabbed her coat and locked the door behind her, wanting to get out of the apartment before Luka finished his shift and came back, another uneasy night. She knew where she was going, but she didn't know why.
***
Carter, dressed in a t-shirt and boxers opened his door and was shocked to find a disheveled Abby, with her wet hair and dressed in her own clothes, waiting at the door, an apologetic, yet grim smile awaiting him.
"Abby, what are you doing here?" She smiled ruefully.
"I didn't want to be there when Luka got home." Without asking furthermore, he let her in, as a friend would. She went in and sat on the sofa, which she was familiar with, seeing as she had been there countless times. He sat next to her, staring down at his feet awkwardly. He never knew why, but Abby had this way of making him feel uncomfortable even in his own home. She took her coat off quietly, neither of them speaking, nor looking at each other. As she turned away for a moment, glancing out the window, her looked at her, shivering, despite the fact that the windows weren't open, and staring vacantly into the distance, he felt an immediate urge to comfort her, to make her feel better, the way a friend would. He was confused, agonizing over why she had chosen to come to him, why not anyone else? But the answer was much less complicated. He was about the only friend she had right now, so it would make sense, but he still hoped. He would never stop hoping.
"Abby, do you want to talk about it?" He said, finally breaking the silence. She turned slightly, her head inclined in his direction.
"Not really." He turned his head away, frustrated. So what else was he to do? If she didn't want his help, why did she come here? But she started to speak again.
"John?"
"Uh-huh."
"John, would you just hold me for a while? It's been long since Luka has held me, and that's what I need right now, apart from a smoke and a strong drink. Just as a friend, could you hold me?"
"Um, okay." She moved closer to him and lay her head on his chest, his hands embracing her, protecting her from the cold. His chin lay on top of her still wet hair, and looked down at her. To him, she looked like a lost child, who was holding onto a lifesaver. He knew that she and Luka had problems that they needed to sort out and that something was definitely wrong with the relationship when Abby found comfort in him rather than her own boyfriend, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her that. Instead he held her close, the way a friend would.
***
Luka walked into his and Abby's apartment and immediately knew that she wasn't there. So it would be another night spent apart. He tiredly closed the balcony door and getting ready for bed quickly, he lay in bed, trying to sleep. He had heard somewhere that counting sheep would help, so imagining white fluffy things walking past, he counted them. After quite a while, he decided to stop counting sheep, seeing as he was on sheep #309. He couldn't get to sleep and he didn't know why. Lying there, with his warm duvet, he felt cold. His thoughts plagued him – not stopping it's forever burning inside him. He worried about Abby – he loved her, but couldn't bring himself to show anything. If he got too close and lost her, then he would be a lost cause. It would happen all over again and he didn't think he could cope. He loved her more than she knew. He loved the way she smiled and laughed, the way she secretly danced to the radio when she thought he was in another room. He loved her presence. But recently, it seemed to have dwindled into a passionless relationship, that Luka couldn't handle. He missed their silly little talks, now replaced by petty arguments, their long hugs – now they avoided each other. He thought it was completely ludicrous, but he had found a reason for why they had drifted apart. He had a feeling, an inkling that it was Abby's mom. He saw the way Abby pulled at her hair and chewed on her lip agitatedly when she received phone calls about her mom. He knew that she had problems coping, but who was he to interfere, if he wasn't asked to? Abby never told him anything about how she was feeling anymore, but then neither did he. He felt too many restraints on himself, restricting him. And anyway, Abby had Carter. Yes, the headstrong, classic clean-cut American, who managed to get under Luka's skin. The friction between them became quite dangerous sometimes, mostly in front of Abby. He never understood the relationship between the two, but he knew it was getting closer than he and Abby were at the moment. He was jealous of Carter, certainly. Carter had something with Abby that he would never have with her. But he liked to think that he and Abby also had something special, something that Carter and Abby would never have. He liked to think that it was love, but it looked like love was flying away on its white wings. Lying there, Luka resolved that he would break at least some of the walls that had built up when Abby returned, but when she did finally tiptoe into bed, the side furthest from him, he couldn't seem to open his mouth. Then she got out of bed hurriedly and stood out on the balcony, crying as quietly as she could manage. Luka could hear everything, but fear of rejection didn't permit him to get up and comfort her.
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A/N: Feedback please!