Chocobos Onboard

Plot: Cloud's Chocobo gets loose on the Highwind and it sets off Cid's fuse. While the airship plummets to its doom, Cid tries to teach Cloud a lesson.

Cid Highwind is one of my favorite characters in the Final Fantasy universe. I wrote this story to poke some fun at things like Chocobo breeding, the plot, and the characters. It's rated T for Cid's foul language.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII. It's the property of Square-Enix.

"What the !&#?!"

Mere seconds ago, Cid Highwind had two hands firmly planted on the Highwind's control wheel. Now, he was flat on his back with Chocobo footprints all over his favorite jacket.

"Goddammit! It hurts to !&#ing breath!" he wheezed, trying to roll back onto his feet.

"Sorry about that, Cid," called Cloud. He ran over and gave Cid a hand. "My Chocobo got loose."

Cid shot Cloud a menacing glare. "Boy, that's what you said last time."

"But it's true!"

Brushing himself off, Cid grunted. He then jerked his arm to the side and yanked over one of his crewmen—one that happened to be new to the team and didn't know his way around yet. "Yer pilotin' for a bit!" he growled, shoving the new pilot in front of the wheel.

"Y-y-y-essir!" stuttered the intern crewman. "Ummm… How do I… pilot this thing again…?"

Cid turned his full attention to Cloud. "Now you listen here, boy…"

"I know, I know, Cid," interjected Cloud. "I'm really sorry. It won't happen—"

"You don't know spit!" snarled a very irritated Cid. He flung his arms in the air, waving them crazily. "It's bad enough we got the goddamn Shinra on our butts, tryin' to one-up me outta m'airship! First they went and took my hopes and dreams of goin' into space, smashing 'em into itty-bitty pieces and blowin' those pieces into m'eyes to blind me! Then that damn pretty-boy nutcase Rufus got ol' Fatman Palmer to try and steal m'Tiny Bronco! They tried to take the !(#& skies from me, dammit!"

"Well, at least Palmer got hit by a truck, eheh," Cloud offered feebly. Cid merely grunted and leaned his face in closer. Cloud bent tried to back away nervously.

"Pfft! It would've been better if I was the one drivin' that dang-blasted truck!" Cid clenched his gloved hand into a fist and shoved his pointer finger in Cloud's face. "If all that weren't bad enough, boy, I have to play pilot to draggin' around you and all of yer crazy friends!"

"Hey! They're your friends too, you know!" shouted Cloud in his defense.

Cid flicked his nose with his thumb. "Pfheh! My friends? What? You talkin' about that mechanical cat on that fluffy marshmallow? Or maybe ya mean that goth kid we gone-done went a'sprung out of a coffin?" He waved his hands furiously at Cait Sith and Vincent, who were too busy trying to help the intern crewman steady the plane to pay attention to Cid's rampant insults.

"Goddammit, Cid! We got ourselves a problem here!" roared Barret, flailing his gun arm in the air. "Your damn flunky's flunkin' right outta the sky!"

"Shet up, Barret!" barked Cid. "I'm tryin' to set this spiky-headed 'leader' straight!"

"I'm all for settin' Cloud's spiky-headed ass straight," Barret concurred. "But right now we're gonna crash!"

"Shut yer trap!" spat Cid. "Even if we did crash, I'm sure Melons over there could prove to be a plenty good shock absorber." Cid flung his thumb at Tifa who instantly sent a fist packing into his jaw.

"What was that, Cid?" she seethed.

"N-nothin', darlin'. I didn't say a thin'…" he said sweetly as he tenderly rubbed his aching face.

"That's what I thought. Now land this thing!"

"Yap, yap, yap! M'trainee's doin' a pretty darn good job!" assured Cid, despite the fact that his trainee was now foaming at the mouth and convulsing on the floor.

Cid turned his attention back to Cloud, who incidentally made a run for it. "Come back here, ya darn brat!!" Cid stormed after Cloud, leaving the rest of the crew to go into panic mode as the Highwind hurdled towards its inevitable demise.

Cid chased Cloud into the cargo area. Glancing over his shoulder, Cloud saw Cid hot on his heels, hands ready to clench his throat. Not turning his back around fast enough, Cloud failed to see Yuffie losing her lunch over the floor and slipped. He collided into the Chocobo Stall door and collapsed to the ground.

"I got ya now, boy!" shouted Cid as he neared his sitting-duck-target.

However, before Cid could wrap his hands around Cloud's neck in a stranglehold, the stall door shot open, spewing out millions of feathers.

Cid stood mouth agape. An entire farm's worth of Chocobos were crammed into the single stall, kwehing and warking agitatedly. Large, orange legs were jetting out of the door, accompanied by a few heads there and a few wings there.

"SHI—IT!!"

Cid slowly turned his mortified face towards Cloud.

"Heh….heheh….Umm…sorry?" uttered Cloud apologetically. Cid remained motionless. He looked like a zombie. "Err…well, you know how Chocobo Billy's prices are ridiculous at the farm and he only allows me six stables—"

Cloud was cut off by an egg rolling out near Cid's feet. Cid glanced at the egg than back at Cloud. His face was completely blank, but a deep inner rage was bubbling inside him.

"Well, how else am I supposed to get a Golden Chocobo?" exclaimed Cloud.

That day, the Highwind lost one of its beloved passengers as Cloud Strife was kicked off the flight deck with all 133 of his Chocobos. The airship was able to avoid colliding with the ground thanks to the extra weight tossed overboard and the quick manual-reading skills of Tifa Lockheart.