The librarian blues
All was quiet as the first
light of the morning lazily flooded over the disc, slowly overwhelming the
retreating darkness. It fizzed softly as it met and fought against the greasy
magical air around unseen university. Inside, an inhuman yawn was all that
disturbed the peace around the ancient library. A lazy rustling followed, and a
huge hairy hand broke up into view. This was then followed by the appearance of
a long, thin, rather hairy arm, which was in turn followed by more long, thin,
hairy arm. That's a long arm. The librarian stood, stretched again, and made
his way down from his warm nest to dutifully open the library for the new day.
He opened the great door and gazed out. Time seemed to stand still for a moment
while he took in the view that greeted him. A puzzled look formed on his face,
and he rubbed his eyes feverishly before looking again. Yes, there was no
mistake, he did indeed appear to be being charged by a large point on legs. On
closer inspection, the point appeared to have letters down its side spelling
the word 'Wizzard', and was closely follow by a panicked face belonging to one
Rincewind the wizard.
"Ook." The librarian
stepped aside and greeted his friend.
"Run!" Screamed Rincewind
in answer as he pelted past.
"Ook?"
"Shut the door, shut the
door, shut the door… shut the door!" The desperate voice came from
behind the 'Sorcery, The complete works of' shelf.
"Ook?"
"SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!"
"Ook." There was a
creaking followed by the click of a latch as the huge door was firmly shut. The
librarian heard Rincewind sigh with relief.
"Ook?" He tapped his foot
expectantly.
Rincewind, appearing
clumsily from his refuge, shrugged. "The Arch-chancellor fancies a weekend
hunting trip to Uberwald again. He's looking for volunteers to carry his spare
ammunition and that stupid big net he loves."
Running footsteps were
heard outside. "Stop right there that man!" Shouted a booming voice. Rincewind
and the librarian held their breath as the Arch-chancellor closed in on his
chosen prey outside in the corridor. A rather one-sided conversation followed,
climaxing with a small whimper as the unfortunate wizard was lead off by a
beaming Ridcully, a friendly arm clasped firmly around his shoulders. The
commotion faded with the wizard's retreat. A chorus of cheerful statements
concerning the nice fresh air accompanied their departure. Rincewind expressed
his relief for the second time in two minutes. "Poor bugger." He said. "So,
what's for breakfast?"
The librarian didn't
answer. He was staring fixedly at a point above and behind Rincewind's head.
Rincewind gulped. 'Ok, I'm not going to look round,' he thought, trying to keep
calm. 'If I don't look round I can't see anything bad.' The two figures stood
frozen in muted terror like this for thirty seconds. Rincewind didn't even know
what he was terrified of, but he knew whatever it was, it was damn terrifying.
If witnessed, the effect would have being amusing to many, but it was rather
wasted on a single passing cockroach. Another thirty seconds passed. Rincewind
rethought his strategy. 'Well maybe just a quick glance,' he decided, 'Just to
see if whatever it is, is gaining.' He began to twist his neck, ever so slowly,
towards his tormenter. A medium size book floated free above his head, flashes
of blue occasionally jumping from it's belly. The pages rippled calmly as if in
breath. A quick glance downwards to the broken shelf confirmed his fears. The
book was from the Sorcery section.
"Ook." The librarian had
spoken so quietly Rincewind wondered if he had imagined it.
"What?" He whispered.
"Ook."
"Me? Surely you're
joking?"
"Ook."
"That wasn't necessarily
me, the chain might have already been broken."
"Ook!"
"We could make a run for
it. We could…" he was interrupted by a short, sharp Ook, "I can't I'm a
certified coward!"
"Ook!"
Rincewind sighed. "Oh well
fine, I'll just go and chain it up again on my own shall I?" He said aloud.
"Then we could take it for a walk or something. That'll be nice." He
straightened up and turned to face the book. "So what book are you then? A
particularly dangerous one I bet knowing my luck." The pages rippled faster,
almost giving the impression of amusement.
Rincewind turned to the
librarian. "So what am I suppose to do then?" he said, "Threaten it with a
biro? Tempt it with stylish new cover? Chase it with matches?"
"Ook."
"How?"
"Ook."
"Fine!" Rincewind took a
step forward, an insane look on his face. The ripple in the pages seemed to
accelerate. So did Rincewind. He charged towards the book with arms flagging
wildly; "I only wanted some breakfast!" his unconventional war cry cut through
the air. There was a crackle of magic and a flame of blue fire darted towards
the screaming wizard.
The librarian had no idea
how much time had past. He was proud of the fact he was very likely the only
ape on the disc capable of telling the time, but in all the excitement he'd not
had the chance to check. Its funny how the mind can find the most ridiculous
things to focus on in times of great stress. If anyone could check, they might
be interested to find that most people's dying thoughts are concerning things
such as buying new detergent or getting an extra chicken wing for dinner.
Eventually, Rincewind came to his senses and looked down. He noticed his legs
were still pumping, but somewhat bizarrely, they were pumping at thin air. He
stopped them, turned himself the right way up, and looked around him. He was
behind the library's great oak desk.
"Ook!" The voice was
accusing.
"Oh, did you? Thanks."
Rincewind vaguely remembered a flash of orange fur as he'd been pulled
unceremoniously from the firing line.
"Where is it now?"
The librarian pointed. The
book was floating menacingly 20 yards away. It's pages flapping wildly. As they
watched, it turned to face them.
"Oh gods, it's seen us."
Rincewind felt that familiar shaky feeling. The one he seemed to get more than
his fair share of. "It's coming this way." His voice was barely audible. "Why
does this stuff always happen to me? Am I that bad a person?" He received a non-committed look from the librarian.
The book charged.
Rincewind cowered behind
the desk and covered his face with his hands. The librarian stared momentarily
at the attacking literature, and suddenly darted to a drawer. Through his
fingers, Rincewind thought he saw the flash of silver. The librarian stood to
meet the book's advance. He screamed a challenge (which went something like
'Ook!') and from behind his back he pulled a large silver chain.
The book whined through
the air as it speed towards them.
The librarian swung
desperately with his chain. "Ooooook!"
All went black as the
magic chain connected with the book. Then yellow, then green… then brilliant
white. The noise was deafening, the smell stifling. Rincewind couldn't tell if
he was screaming, but his best guess would be a yes, madly.
Finally the world settled
and normal senses returned. The book fought angrily on the shelf against it's
shiny new chains. Can a book really snarl? This one was giving it a good try.
In the wreckage two bodies stirred. Rincewind sat up and tested his limbs
gingerly. Everything seemed to be in working order. Everything he could test
out here in public anyway. He met the librarian's gaze and decided a spot of
clearing the air was needed.
"Well," he said, "That's
cleared that up then. Must be about time for lunch?"
"Ook!!"
"Well I'm sure there's no
need for that kind of language."
END.
I never want to type the
word 'Ook' again.
Well done if you got to
the end, it's probably quite hard to understand now I read it back. I was in a
funny mood. Sorry if I spelt Uberward wrong, I wasn't going to go searching
through books for the sake of one word. Can someone let me know if it's spelt
wrong? Thanks.
