This fic has been my baby for this past month, and it's finally finished.
swrrequests prompt; The Dark Side calls to Ezra, hounds him, won't let him rest. He finds that Kanan's presence helps and actually touching Kanan can quiet the noise for a while.
Title comes from Out of Touch by Hall & Oates.
Enjoy.
Ezra's dreaming. He knows he's dreaming, but he can't bring himself to care. He's seven years old again, sitting between his mom and dad, and if his dad's voice blurs with Kanan's, there's nothing he can do about it. They're all laughing, back home on Lothal, and Ezra feels happier than he has in a long time.
But the room dims, and he's immediately freezing, and when he turns around to look behind him, his house is gone and he's back in the temple on Malachor.
Ezra Bridger, a voice says, and Ezra's blood runs cold. He swallows, feeling around on his belt for his lightsaber before he remembers it's long gone. We've been waiting on you for a long, long time.
"You're the voice from the holocron," Ezra says, and he takes a step back.
Ah, the voice says, amused. But we are so much more... The voice is layered with hints of the Grand Inquisitor's, Maul's, Vader's, and something that sounds oddly like Emperor Palpatine.
Ezra shakes his head, takes a step back and trips, falling on his back.
Ezra, the voices croon in his ear, and he cringes away, scrambling back from the alter. Don't be shy. You belong as one of us.
Ezra shakes his head, pushes himself up to stand. "I will never fall!" he swears, and two glowing yellow eyes in the fog narrow at him.
You opened the holocron, the voice replies, and it sounds darker, angrier, than before. You will.
Ezra rockets up in his bed, gasping. It takes him a moment, but he realizes he's in his room on Atallon, not back at the temple. Zeb is snoring underneath him, and the holocron is glowing softly underneath his cadet helmet.
Ezra flops back onto his pillow, throws an arm over his eyes, and takes a shaky breath.
He doesn't go back to sleep.
Ever since they got back from Malachor three weeks ago, he's been... haunted, kinda, by the Dark Side. Called to. Hounded by. Whatever you want to call it. Ezra just knows it sucks, but it can't be as bad as what Kanan's going through.
Kanan... Ezra winces, shaking his head slightly. He's been steering clear of Kanan since they came back, almost as much as Kanan's been avoiding him. It's not like he wants to stay away from him, really, it's just that Ezra knows Kanan doesn't want his guilt or his petty problems. At least, this is what Ezra's been telling himself. What he really doesn't want is for Kanan to sense something different in him, sense the Darkness threatening him at every twist in the road.
Hera's been bugging him to talk to Kanan for weeks now, but Ezra just can't bring himself to do it. She's been giving him watchful and sad glances whenever she thinks he's not looking, and even though Hera doesn't have the Force, she can tell something's up with him. Same with Sabine, and Zeb, and Rex, even, though he has had the most experience with moody Jedi.
Ezra has a lot of regrets. He wishes they'd never listened to Yoda, gone to Malachor in the first place. But most of all he wishes he'd never opened that damned holocron.
The next week goes much of the same, with the whispers getting so bad every night he eventually decides he's just not going to sleep anymore, downing all of his Caf rations and stealing Zeb's.
He trudges down to the Ghost that morning and plunks down at the kitchen table, head resting on his hands. He'd fallen asleep in one of the command meetings, and Hera was not too happy with him.
"We're talking about this," she said, eyes narrowed. "Zeb's been telling me you're not sleeping anymore."
"It's nothing," Ezra said, and she might've bought it if he hadn't yawned in the middle.
So he sits and waits for Hera to get back with a growing sense of dread. He hears the doors slide open and lifts his head. It's Sabine, and she raises an eyebrow at him. He lets his head flop down.
"Wow," she says, pouring out her muddy paint water in the sink. "You look absolutely terrible."
"Thanks," Ezra says drily. "You really know how to make a girl feel special." He hears Sabine rummaging around in the cabinet for something. "Can you get me some Caf?"
Sabine snorts, and Ezra props his head up in his hands. She leans against the counter and crosses her arms, giving him an unimpressed look. "And have Hera on my ass? No thanks. Besides, she already threw it all out."
"I know you have a stash," Ezra protests.
"You're never going to find it," she promises. He stands, a threat to go and prove her wrong, and a wall of tiredness hits him. He drops back into his chair, and Sabine looks at him with growing concern.
"Don't look at me like that," Ezra snaps, and she holds her hands up in surrender.
"Ezra, if it's just nightmares, we all have them. Not sleeping is only going to make them worse." She says it gently, and Ezra knows she means well, but he turns his face away.
"I don't want to talk about it," he says, and she sighs, opening her mouth to say something else when the door slides open and reveals Kanan.
Ezra shoots up, his weariness momentarily displaced. "Kanan!" The words tumble from his mouth before he can stop them.
"Ezra?" Kanan asks. He looks confused, and one eyebrow slowly rises above the bandage covering his eyes.
"Hey, Kanan," Sabine says easily, like she doesn't know that Ezra's spent the last month running from his master. "Come sit down. We're just waiting on Hera."
Ezra shoots her a look. "Didn't know this was a group thing," he mutters, "watch Ezra get in trouble day," and Kanan hesitates in the doorway.
"Seriously, Kanan," Sabine says, a note of something sharp in her voice. "You can sit down. Did you come for the painkillers?"
Kanan nods, and one hand braced in front of him, feels his way forward until he hits the chair across from Ezra. He sits down, and Sabine tosses the pill bottle to him. On reflex, his hand shoots up and grabs them, and a real smile shoots across Sabine's face.
"You're getting better," she says with approval. She saunters forward and lays a water bottle near his elbow, taking the seat next to him with a ration bar.
The silence that falls over the table is awkward, and Ezra actually finds himself hoping for Hera to hurry up and punish him now so he can get out of here before Kanan notices something in his Force signature.
If Kanan notices something, he doesn't say anything about it, but he does clear his throat and turn towards Ezra.
"You're in trouble?" he asks, a faint note of disapproval in his voice, and oh, there's the Kanan he knows. "What did you do this time?"
"I fell asleep in one of Hera's meetings with Sato," he mutters, and Kanan looks like he's trying not to smile.
"Bet Hera didn't like that," he says simply, and Sabine snorts from next to him.
"You kidding? I could hear her chew him out from the other side of the base," she says, and Ezra rolls his eyes, fighting back another yawn.
"She didn't chew me out then," he says. "That's what this is for."
"I see," Kanan says, and the three of them go quiet when they realize what he just said. He clears his throat again and ducks his head. "You know what I meant."
You know, a familiar voice hisses in his ear, and Ezra stiffens, paling, blood draining from his face. With us you would have been strong enough to stop this from happening. Your Master wouldn't be blind because of you.
It's the first time he's heard the Dark Side calling while awake.
"Ezra?" Sabine says, jerking him from his stupor. Ezra blinks, and both she and Kanan are looking in his direction with concern. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."
Ezra swallows and shakes his head. He doesn't trust himself to speak right now.
"Ezra?" Kanan says, voice thick with concern.
He's blind because of you, the voice repeats, because you're weak.
Ezra feels sick, and Sabine scoots her chair back away from him, eyeing the nearest bucket with a calculated eye. He ignores the voice, and Hera walks it, so he turns his attention to her.
She seems surprised that Kanan's sitting next to him, and her eyes widen.
"Oh!" she says, and Kanan half turns in her direction. She and Sabine exchange a long glance, before she fixes a glare on Ezra. "You, mister, have a lot to explain."
"Look, I'm sorry for falling asleep," Ezra says, and Hera shakes her head, walking up to stand behind Kanan's chair.
"Ezra, just falling asleep is one thing. But Zeb says you're not sleeping at all anymore! This isn't healthy."
"Wait, you're not sleeping at all?" Kanan suddenly pipes up, whirling back around to face Ezra.
Ezra groans and lets his head fall back down on the table.
"There has to be a reason for this," Hera says. Sabine has stayed uncharacteristically quiet for this entire exchange. "We can help you."
"Is it nightmares?" Kanan asks quietly, and Ezra shakes his head before realizing Kanan's still waiting on a response.
"No," Ezra says.
Hera waits for him to elaborate, and when he doesn't, throws one of her hands in the air.
"You need to sleep," she says firmly. "I threw out all the Caf, and yes, Sabine, even your stash, and you're officially cleared from missions until you're rested up."
Sabine lets out a cry and pushes her chair back to run to her room to check. Ezra shoots up in his seat. "You can't do this!"
"Hera, is this really wise?" Kanan asks, and Hera raises an eyebrow.
"I can, and I just did," she says, and then her gaze softens. "Ezra, I don't like doing this, but you need to sleep. How long has it been, huh?"
Ezra remains silent, and she sighs.
If you would just give in, the voice drawls, and Ezra stiffens, all this could be over.
"If you need sleeping pills," she finally continues, "they're in the medbay. A doctor can prescribe you some."
They're so worried about you, the voice croons. Do you even deserve it?
"Is that it?" Ezra says, heart in his throat.
Kanan frowns slightly, and Hera sighs. "Go to the medbay, Ezra, if you're not going to listen to me."
Ezra pushes back his chair and walks out. He looks over his shoulder, only to see Hera rest her chin on the top of Kanan's head, and Kanan twisted back to hold her hand.
Ezra wishes he hadn't looked.
He does, actually, go to the medbay, and the droid prescribes him a handful of sleeping pills to take, and he does take them.
They don't do anything to prevent the Dark Side from hounding him, and they won't let him wake up for eight hours.
It's one of the longest nights of his life.
When he (finally) wakes up in the morning, he flushes the pills down the refresher.
Now, as if it wasn't bad before, the voice bothers him during the day, too, and nothing he does can stop it.
He thinks he's going insane.
Two days later, Ezra's desperate enough to stop all this that he's willing to end his hiatus from Kanan.
The only problem is is that he can't find him anywhere in command.
"Ezra?" Hera asks, and Ezra gives her a sheepish smile. "You're not supposed to be here until you get some sleep."
"I got eight hours," Ezra protests, and Hera raises an eyebrow. "Two days ago," he mumbles, and she narrows her eyes.
"Ezra Bridger, if you don't-" She rushes forward to grab him, and he skitters back, hands up.
"Wait! I'm just looking for Kanan, honest. I think he can help."
"Kanan?" she repeats, and her eyes light up. "He's on the Ghost. He's having trouble sleeping, too."
"What?!" Ezra asks, horrified at the thought that Kanan's getting tormented too. "Seriously?"
Hera looks a little taken aback, but she puts her hands on her hips. "Non 24 hour sleep-wake disorder," she says. "Ever since..."
She doesn't need to finish her sentence for Ezra to catch her drift.
"Are you two talking again now?" she asks, and Ezra shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets. She smiles at him. "I'm glad. It's not right for you two to be avoiding each other." Her gaze hardens, and she points off in the direction of the Ghost. "Don't think I won't be checking to make sure you're sleeping later," she says, and Ezra rolls his eyes.
"Thanks, mom," he says, and he ducks out of the way of her swat, giggling.
She doesn't care about your health, the voice whispers. You're just an asset. They use you.
Ezra ducks his head as he walks away from Hera. He turns and looks at her over his shoulder, and she smiles and waves. He doesn't wave back.
When Ezra climbs onboard the Ghost, he calls out for Kanan, but nobody responds. He makes his way to his room and opens the door.
"Kan- oh."
Kanan's asleep, half curled on his bed. He doesn't wake up when Ezra barges in, just continues snoring softly.
Ezra thinks back on what Hera said about Kanan having trouble sleeping too and tiptoes to sit on the edge of his bed. Kanan still doesn't wake up, and Ezra doesn't plan on doing so.
"I can wait," he says quietly, and he leans ever so slightly against Kanan's knees.
That's pretty much the last thing he remembers.
When Kanan wakes up, there's an uncomfortable weight digging into the middle of his stomach, and what sounds like a train echoing in his eardrums. He grimaces and finds one of his hands stuck under the lump, but he manages to free it and pat the vague outline of one very bony teenager currently crushing him.
"Ezra?" he mumbles, and he pats up to his floppy hair. "Yep, definitely Ezra."
Ezra doesn't wake up, and Kanan wonders what time it is, and how long he's been here. He's barely spoken to the kid in the last few weeks, Ezra doing his best to steer clear of him, so what's he doing now crushing him?
Kanan snorts, running a hand over the top of his head, and tries to shift back to a more comfortable position. Ezra stirs, and he freezes. The pressure moves up his chest a little, and Ezra resumes snoring. Kanan wheezes.
Hera had said the kid's not been sleeping, and Kanan can feel his exhaustion seeping through the Force. He can wait this out.
He dozes in and out, stirring briefly when what sounds like Hera comes in to see if he's here, and the not so quiet click of Chopper's camera, and every time Ezra's bony elbow digs into his side.
When Ezra stirs, Kanan finally wakes up, and he inhales deeply for the first time in hours.
"Kanan?" Ezra asks, voice raspy and hoarse. "What happened?"
"You fell asleep, kid," Kanan says, shifting up to a sitting position.
"I.. fell asleep?" Ezra repeats, sounding entirely unsure of himself. Seeming to realize he's still half on Kanan, Ezra sits up. The sound of the bed creaking means that Ezra's looking around his room oddly, and Kanan can practically see Ezra's furrowed expression in his mind.
"Did you need something?" Kanan asks, and Ezra stiffens, stammers out a response, and bolts.
Kanan blinks, the rush of air blowing back his hair, and he's alone again.
Ezra stumbles away from Kanan's room. He catches a glimpse of Kanan as he rushes out, still sitting on his bed with a confused and almost lonely look on his face. He wishes he hadn't looked back.
It was weird; he didn't hear one thing from the Dark Side... he actually got to get some peace for once. Ezra walks away more confused than he's been in a long time.
But what could it be?
Kanan, Ezra realizes with a start. It's the first time he's truly been around Kanan in weeks, and coincidentally it's the first break he's had too.
Ezra screeches to a halt and hesitates, stepping to the side to let Chopper roll by.
Did you think you could get rid of me that easily? The Dark Side hisses, and he half turns, debating on going back to talk to Kanan and confess everything, but a buzz on his comm from Hera calling him to another command meeting pulls him away.
You're not brave enough, not strong enough. You're not good enough, Ezra, not without us. Not without us.
Ezra settles in the back of the conference room, crossing his arms and leaning his head back. He watches as Hera and Sato set up at the front of the room, and tilts his chair back, trying to ignore the whispers in his ear.
"Ezra?"
Ezra lets his chair fall back to the ground. "Oh! Hey, Kanan."
"Is someone sitting here?"
Ezra waves a hand gesturing for him to sit down before realizing Kanan can't see it. He gulps, embarrassed, but Kanan just stands there patiently.
Foolish boy, the voices hiss, and Ezra sags his shoulders.
"Yeah, it's yours." Kanan smiles and sits down. Hera, at the front of the room, turns and catches a glimpse of them. She smiles and waves, and Ezra waves back, accidentally knocking Kanan's arm.
"Hera?" Kanan asks, a fond smile on his face.
"Hera," Ezra says by way of explanation. Kanan reaches up and waves too, and Hera's grin grows as she turns back around to Sato.
Zeb and Sabine traipse in next, giggling over some inside joke from before Ezra's time, and they both come in and sit down on either side of them.
Zeb starts up a conversation with Kanan, and Ezra turns to Sabine on his right. She digs a bony elbow into his side and leans in close to his ear. "Are you and Kanan good now? I saw Chop's picture."
Ezra blinks and jerks back. "Picture?" he repeats, and Sabine's grin turns devious.
"Forget it," she says, and before Ezra can protest Hera calls the meeting to attention. He gives her a side-eyed look and turns his attention to Hera.
About halfway through the meeting, Kanan feels something heavy thunk against his arm and settle there. He grimaces a moment, lifts up his free hand to feel the top of it.
It's Ezra. Again.
Kanan can't help the amused chuckle that tumbles from his lips, and he grins when he hears Sabine and Zeb start to snicker too.
He can feel two sets of eyes stare at them, and he rolls his eyes beneath the bandage. "Take a picture, it lasts longer."
"Don't mind if I do," Sabine says, and from the sound of her fumbling around he assumes she took it.
"Should we wake the kid up?" Zeb asks.
"No," Kanan says. "Leave him be." Zeb chuckles, and Kanan continues. "I'll bring him up to speed when he wakes up."
Hera, at the front of the room, turns to glare at her crew, hearing excited whispering. Her gaze falls on Sabine, and she narrows her eyes. Sabine's pointing right next to her with a huge grin on her face, and she turns her gaze to fall on Ezra and Kanan.
As if he knows she's looking at her, Kanan's face breaks out into her favorite half smile. Hera can't help the twitch of her lips, and she clears her throats and turns her attention back to Sato, who's eyeing her impatiently.
"Kid," Ezra hears faintly, accompanied by a slight shake of his shoulder. "Ezra, wake up."
Ezra blinks blearily, looking up directly up to see Kanan's mask inches away from his nose.
"Wha-?"
"The meeting's over," Kanan says patiently.
"It's over?" Ezra glances around and sees that the room has mostly cleared out, with only a few pilots standing and talking near the front. He jerks up and off of Kanan's shoulder, standing up so fast he goes dizzy. "Oh, Force, Hera's gonna kill me! Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"
Kanan shrugs, a lazy roll of his shoulders. "You needed the rest. You're exhausted; I don't need eyes to see that."
Ezra stiffens, and Kanan sighs, swiping a hand over his mouth.
"That's not- you know what I meant." Kanan stands up, hand twitching hesitantly by his side like he wants to reach out. "Come on, I promised Hera I'd bring you up to speed." He turns and starts walking, and Ezra trips over himself to follow.
"We're going back to the Ghost?"
"Yeah," Kanan says, an amused grin on his face. "If you can stay awake this time."
He's mocking you, the familiar voice croons in his ear. What are you not a failure with?
Ezra flushes, feeling the burn of heat rush up to his ears, and Kanan laughs, patting him on the arm.
He doesn't care about you, the voice says. Not after Malachor.
Without really thinking about it, Ezra takes a step closer to Kanan so their arms are touching. Kanan turns his head sharply to the side, but he says nothing and doesn't move his arm away.
It's blissfully quiet after that, and Ezra relishes in it.
They get back to the Ghost, and instead of going back to Kanan's room like normal, he leads them into the kitchen. Ezra sits down, Kanan across from him, and Ezra eyes him closely for a moment.
"So," Kanan says, laying both of his hands palm down on the table. "The mission doesn't seem too complex. It's a pick up, but you're going to have to-"
"I've been hearing the Dark Side for twenty four hours every day for the last two weeks and it only stops when I'm touching you," Ezra blurts out, and he clamps a hand over his mouth. This is not really how he wanted to talk about this. Kanan jerks back and stills.
"You - what?!" Kanan demands, eyebrows furrowed. He shakes his head, disbelieving. "This isn't funny, Ezra!" he snaps. "I don't even want to hear you joke about this!"
Ezra shakes his head. "I'm not laughing. It's been since Malachor."
Kanan is silent. "Tell me everything," he says finally, "now."
Kanan doesn't say a word the entire time Ezra talks, and even when Ezra finishes, he just sighs.
Sometime during the middle of it, right around the point when Ezra tells him his theory about touch, Kanan stretches out his arm without a word, and Ezra rests one of his on top, relaxing just a bit.
"I'm sorry, Kanan," Ezra says. "I should've told you sooner, I just thought that-"
"Thought what?" Kanan says, tone hard. "It would go away on its own? It's The Dark Side, Ezra! It won't stop until you fall!"
"No!" Ezra shoots back. "I was going to wait until you weren't ignoring me anymore! Until we were actually talking again!"
Kanan sits back like he was slapped, and Ezra sinks down a little.
"It's my fault," Kanan says then, all anger evaporated. "I should've been more aware."
"No!" Ezra protests. "You have enough to worry about!"
"But I'm your master!" Kanan shakes his head. "How did I not even notice? Your Force signature... it's different."
They're silent for a moment.
"I can give you back the holocron," Ezra offers, and Kanan nods.
"That's probably for the best. I'll talk to Zeb, and I'll see if he won't mind camping out in my bunk for a while."
Ezra wrinkles his nose. "Why?"
Kanan tilts his head. "Day and night, right? Isn't that what you said? If it's bothering you, you can wake me up. If I'm not up anyway." He says it like it's no big deal, and Ezra feels like there's a lump in his throat
"Thanks, Kanan," he says, and Kanan holds up a hand, ducking his head slightly.
"Look, I'm going to tell you upfront I'm not really sure how to fix this. You're going to be meditating a lot in the next few days-" Ezra rolls his eyes- "but we're going to get through this."
Touched, Ezra smiles, and if his eyes are a little bit watery Kanan can't tell. "Thanks, Kanan," he says, a little choked up.
Kanan smiles back, a little hesitantly, and he flexes his hand under Ezra's wrist. "Is there anything else you need to tell me? Your eyes aren't yellow or anything, right?"
"No, still blue." Ezra says, and then he grins, lazy and lopsided. "Actually, I'm thinking about getting a haircut. Thoughts?"
Kanan stares at him blankly for a moment, and then he starts to laugh.
Ezra giggles too, and maybe, just maybe, everything's going to be alright.
Ezra yawns and stretches, slowly slipping out of his and Zeb's, well, now Kanan's, shared room on the Ghost. He scratches the top of his head and ambles down the hallway, still marveling over the cropped feel of his new haircut. He glances at the wall, not thinking anything of it, but what he sees there makes him jerk to a stop.
It's a blown up picture of him and Kanan, taken while both were sleeping in Kanan's room. He's sprawled out all over Kanan's legs, mouth hanging open in a snore, and Kanan is half curled up at the top, looking uncomfortable even in sleep.
Ezra gapes, mouth hanging open, because when he turns to look down the rest of the hallway, every square inch is covered in the same picture, all in various sizes and angles.
"SABINE!"
R&R!