Good morning, and may I just say, HAPPY THURSDAY?!
How have you all been? Well, I hope! I've been all right, hustling at work and scrambling to get this fic into a halfway decent state so I could post it on time! It's been about a year since If You Love Me, Answer Me Softly, so I figure we're about due for another AU, yes?
This fic though, oof. Let me just say I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Originally I wrote it purely for the aesthetic like the trash goblin that I am, but then it evolved and like, "oh my god emotions!" "oh my god incredibly meta catharsis!" "oh my god Kamui's jerking off again!"
Well now I have to make it good.
Did I achieve this? I have absolutely no idea. This story has caused me so much stress and anxiety I'm like, so done with it. My friends keep asking me, "well do you like it?" whenever I scream and vent and I'm just like, "NOPE." Of course, hopefully that's all just me being dramatic. I am excited, that's definitely true. I also broke a lot of my own rules with this fic, both stylistically and mentally, if I can forgive myself you can forgive me.
Anyway, thanks as always to everyone who helped and supported me through this fic, fictional and flesh and blood, online and in person, but especially SilverServerError, forever my fanfiction lifecoach. I couldn't have done it on my own! Also to BT for the title, it's from his song Shame (love it!)
Okay, enough of that. Let's get started!
"Fuck you, get off me!" Kamui snapped, wrenching his arm out of whoever's grip.
"Keep your fucking hands to yourself then!" They snapped back. Kamui replied with a rude hand gesture over his shoulder and stormed away from the mosh pit, weaving in and out of people standing about with drinks in their hands and vague, disinterested looks on their faces. On stage, Dreaming Princess announced their final song and a groan rose from whoever was still paying attention.
Kamui just rolled his eyes. He didn't like this band; he was only there for Sorata, who was only sort of there for them anyway, making this entire situation a total waste. He stopped next to the small, grimy bar and leaned against the wall as a guitar riff blared suddenly from on stage. The crowd cheered, and the band began to play their last song. Kamui rolled his eyes again. The drummer was slightly off, but no one seemed to notice. He made a contemptuous noise and glared at the stage for a moment before carefully feeling the side of his face. Nothing was tender or painful, but this only annoyed him more. He liked getting into scraps like these at shows, venting his feelings with inflammatory words or against someone's jaw, but how the fuck did that guy try to get in his face with such a pathetic right hook?!
Kamui sighed forcefully, trying to calm down enough so he wouldn't get in trouble with actual venue security. However, his heart was still pounding against his ribs, pumping adrenaline and agitation through his body. He wanted more than anything to find Sorata and leave, but he was probably still in the crowd, absorbed in this incredibly lame show.
"Hey, are you okay?" Kamui started and looked around, then felt his racing heart stop abruptly as though someone had slammed on the breaks.
"Um," he began, though he had no idea what to say; his brain seemed to have stopped too. The young man who had spoken was tall, with a lean build, fine features and a soft smile.
"Are you okay? That looked pretty bad just now!" He spoke loudly over the music and applause, and Kamui flushed as he watched his lips move around the words.
"Y-yeah, I'm cool!" He replied, when he'd found his voice. "Shit was nothing!" The young man laughed and took a sip of his beer, and the bright red light coming off the stage illuminated a tattoo on his inner forearm. "I like your tattoo!" Kamui blurted out, then bit down on the inside of his lip at how awkward he sounded. At least the venue lighting was shitty enough to hide his blush. Fortunately, the young man's smile just widened.
"Thank you!" He said, placing his beer on the bar behind him and rotating his arm invitingly. Kamui's heart restarted and throbbed painfully in his chest, but he gathered his courage and moved closer. "It's-"
"There you are!" They turned and saw a young woman hurrying towards them, out of breath but looking blissful. Kamui hadn't even realized the set had ended. "They're getting the car now," she said, looking curiously at Kamui for a moment before returning her gaze to her… Friend? Boyfriend?
"Good." He smiled at Kamui, his lips parting slightly. "She always drags me to see them, so maybe I'll see you again?" She stuck her tongue out at him, and he gave her a sarcastic grin back before they both looked at Kamui with genuine smiles on their faces.
"Yeah," he replied, trying and failing to return the gesture. As they turned to go, she placed her hand on his lower back, and Kamui's stomach clenched painfully. Once they were swallowed up by the crowd and ugly red light, he sighed heavily and dug in his pocket for his cellphone, only to find he had no service. He snapped it closed impatiently and walked back towards the stage, feeling empty and inadequate and-
"Kamui!" He started, but spotted Sorata at once, apparently lurking a short distance away. He hurried over once he had Kamui's attention, looking windswept but knowing.
"Can we please get the fuck out of here?" Kamui asked at once. Sorata grinned.
"Yeah, let's go." Sticking close together, they fought their way through the crowd and back outside. Kamui gasped softly; the sharp autumn chill was rather jarring after the sweaty heat inside the venue. Young men and women stood about in groups, talking and laughing and smoking under the glow of the surrounding streetlights. Kamui zipped up his hoodie and shoved his hands in his pockets, looking around surreptitiously as they headed down the street. However, he saw no sign of the guy with the tattoo. As though reading his mind, Sorata asked, "Who was that you were talking to?" Kamui shrugged, his hands clenching.
"Someone else who got dragged to this show against their will," he replied, grumpily. Sorata laughed.
"Cool, you already have something in common!"
"Shut up," Kamui snapped.
"The girl he was with was cute," Sorata continued, thoughtfully.
"Shut up," Kamui snapped again, blushing, though there was no real reason for him to be embarrassed or anything. They fell silent as they continued the long and arduous walk back to the car. Sorata had left it far away from the venue because, "Fuck paying for parking!" Kamui felt his focus slipping. His mind was still full of the guy with the tattoo, but he was feeling emptier and more inadequate by the second. "Dude, pay attention!" Sorata called before Kamui could walk right passed the car.
"Huh? Oh shit, sorry," he muttered. He tried and failed to open the door, and Sorata snorted with laughter as he unlocked it. Kamui gave him a nasty look, got into the car and slammed the door behind him. Sorata slid into the driver's seat and started the engine, causing the music they'd listened to on the drive over to come blaring, muffled and scratchy, out of the speakers. Kamui ejected the CD at once, and Sorata waited for him to play something else before putting the car in gear.
"Put on your seatbelt," he added, adjusting the rearview mirror and backing them out of the parking space.
"Yeah yeah." Kamui did so, then reclined against the seat. Immediately, he felt the tight knot of bitter feelings inside him ease very slightly, soothed by the motion and the music. He stared out the window, the streets dark and deserted even though this was still technically downtown. Of course, in Sagacity, like all other tiny, irrelevant Northeastern cities, downtown just meant where all the municipal buildings, as well as those belonging to the three colleges, were clustered. There were also concert venues, nightclubs, theatres and restaurants, though they only came alive after dark. They turned onto Memorial Boulevard, the major thoroughfare of the area, and proceeded along it. "You see your girl?" Kamui asked, quietly, when they got stuck at the third red light in a row. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sorata's face fall slightly.
"No," he replied, and Kamui groaned sympathetically. They turned right, drove up Kamui's gently sloping street, lined with small stores and restaurants, and pulled up outside an old, converted row house on the corner.
"Thanks," said Kamui, unbuckling his seatbelt.
"Ah it's no problem. Tell Tohru I say hi!" Kamui rolled his eyes, though he did appreciate it.
"See you Monday." They brofisted each other and Kamui got out of the car, digging in his pocket for his keys. He opened the front door, climbed the three very creaky flights of stairs and entered the apartment he shared with his mother. It was dark, except for the light from her bedroom spilling out into the hallway. Kamui kicked off his shoes and slouched across the living room, feeling suddenly tense again. "Mom?" He called, cautiously as he approached her open door.
"Come in!" Kamui came to stand on the threshold and found his mother propped up in bed, reading, her long hair tied in a messy ponytail over her shoulder.
"Hi," Kamui said, and she smiled and closed her book.
"How was your show?" She asked. Kamui shrugged. "You're back early, is everything okay?" Again, Kamui shrugged. She sighed, and though she was still smiling, Kamui could see something else in her expression that made his insides squirm guiltily. However, all she said was, "Don't be up too late."
"I won't." She tilted her head to the side.
"I'm covering for someone tomorrow afternoon, so I may not be here when you wake up."
"Okay." Kamui was about to go, but then, "Sorata says hi." His mother laughed and he finally smiled. She returned to her book and Kamui backed out of the room and shut the door. He sighed heavily and walked down the hall to his own bedroom. He made sure his door was shut tightly, then fell into bed, fully dressed. As if on cue, his feelings of inadequacy, of emptiness and dissatisfaction swelled inside him, consuming him, and he buried his face in his pillows. He hated this. He had no reason to feel this way, to get sent into a tailspin because of some hot guy at a show giving him attention.
'That's basically all it took last time, though,' he reminded himself, coldly. Feeling disgusting, he rolled onto his side and pulled his laptop towards him. He opened it and squinted at the screen, the bright, artificial light harsh on his eyes. He wanted music on. That'd help him calm down, or else languish in his bitter feelings until he fell asleep. However, before he could decide which was a better option, an instant message popped up.
DxOxE :: hey
Kamui gasped and stared at the screen, the bitter feelings inside him intensifying even as his heart ached in longing.
DxOxE :: you're up late
Kamui let out the softest of anguished moans. These messages always made him furious, disgusted, and he knew he should just ignore them, but… He remembered suddenly the guy from the show, being led away by the girl, and he began to type almost defiantly, his hands shaking.
k4mui :: yea
k4mui :: what's up?
DxOxE :: me :)
Kamui closed his eyes and rolled onto his back, heart throbbing and throat burning. It was always like this. This was the only kind of contact they had these days. He heard more messages and rolled over again to read them.
DxOxE :: it's been a while
DxOxE :: i miss you
Anger flared suddenly inside Kamui, burning away his bitterness, his longing.
"Fuck you," he muttered, closing the message and opening iTunes. However, as he was debating a playlist, another message popped up.
DxOxE :: don't ignore me i'm being serious
He flushed deeply at the message. He knew that wasn't true, it couldn't be true, but the small shoot of hope it planted in his heart was enough to make his anger dissipate. Almost mechanically, as though the desperation inside him had hijacked his brain, he replied.
k4mui :: what the fuck do you want?
DxOxE :: ideally? your dick in my mouth
Kamui bit his lip to stifle his moan, a shiver running through him. It was exactly what he'd expected, but still…
DxOxE :: but i'll take whatever right now
DxOxE :: can't sleep
DxOxE :: you get me?
k4mui :: yea
Kamui swallowed, the heat travelling from his face down his neck, his chest, between his legs. He supposed they were in the same position, really.
DxOxE :: i still get so fucking hard for you Kamui
Kamui undid his pants and brought out his rapidly forming erection.
k4mui :: yea?
DxOxE :: fuck yes
DxOxE :: i'd suck you so good right now
DxOxE :: do you taste as good as i remember?
Kamui bit back a moan as he began to please himself in quick, deliberate strokes. His heart continued to pound, and emotion and pleasure radiated out through his entire body.
k4mui :: fuck yea
DxOxE :: goddamn
Kamui moaned softly again as he remembered one of the only times that had happened, how good everything had felt even though-
Littlebirdxo :: what are you doing up? :P
Kamui stopped abruptly and stared at the new message. Why the fuck was tonight like this?! He blushed furiously and closed the message, but fortunately there was another notification before he could think about it too much.
DxOxE :: you jerking off?
Kamui refocused at once and heat rushed out through his body as he clumsily typed one handed.
k4mui :: yea
He stroked himself faster, pressure building teasingly.
DxOxE :: same
Kamui let out a soft, throaty cry, experiencing almost a head rush as he thought about it.
DxOxE :: i wanna fuck your mouth so bad
DxOxE :: i want you to swallow me
DxOxE :: then i wanna do u
Kamui shuddered violently, his erection throbbing in his hand.
k4mui :: i need it!
DxOxE :: me too
DxOxE :: FUCK
k4mui :: i love blowing you
His blush deepened as he typed it and he looked away, a weird mix of arousal and ill usage churning his mind and guts. He screwed up his eyes and his mouth fell open in another soft cry.
DxOxE :: you close?
Kamui's thighs shook as he reached for the keyboard.
k4mui :: yes
DxOxE :: come for me Kamui
The message seemed to shock every nerve of his body and he came suddenly all over his hand with a soft cry, the pressure inside him rushing outwards in soft, satisfying pulses. He closed his eyes and rolled over onto his back, his mind blanking, waiting for the feelings to settle. After a few seconds he swallowed and reached for a tissue from the box on his nightstand to clean up. He zipped up and rolled over onto his side to see more messages.
DxOxE :: did you come?
k4mui :: yea
DxOxE :: good
DxOxE :: me too
Kamui smiled in vague satisfaction.
DxOxE :: did you come a lot?
Kamui felt an unpleasant shiver run through his body and pulled his legs up closer to his chest. He looked away, watching his hands on the keyboard out of the corner of his eye.
k4mui :: nah
k4mui :: i'm by myself so it's pretty sad
DxOxE :: aww :(
DxOxE :: next time i see you…
Kamui's eyes flew open and his heart hammered against his ribs. Was he serious? Was he coming back? He was about to reply, but,
DxOxE :: fuck g2g roommate's back
DxOxE :: sweet dreams Kamui 3
He signed off. Kamui just stared at the message for a moment. He shouldn't be surprised: it was always like this, but emptiness and ill usage and other bitter feelings still threatened to rise up inside him again. However, before they could take root, and to assuage some of his guilt about what he'd just done, he opened the other instant message.
Littlebirdxo :: what are you doing up? :P
k4mui :: i was at a show
k4mui :: going to sleep now though
k4mui :: ttyl
He signed off, turned up his music and got undressed. At least the conversation had made him sleepy. He got under the covers, curled up into a ball and fell asleep almost at once.
Oh those late night AIM conversations. Good times!
I'm updating this every week, so I'll see you all next Thursday!
I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!