This was a request from my AO3 request that I finally managed to put out. Thanks!
Of course Dad had to run out of apples right after John got back from the market making him run out immediately after dropping off the bags of flour. Did Dad not realize how heavy those things were? He's already carried three bags on each shoulder and now he's got a large bushel of apples strapped to his back as he makes the thirteen mile journey for the fourth time today!
John sighs as he gripes to himself before reaching back and grabbing an apple. Dad wouldn't miss one despite how many apple pies he would be making for the village faire. Plus it's getting late enough that dinner will be cold by the time he gets back. The shadows are already stretching out across the road.
The sharp crunch through the thin red skin of the apple refreshes him almost as much as the cool sweet juices. Lady Jade always grows the best produce. It's always worth the long trekking between her orchards and his father's shop for the fruits and vegetables that make Dad's pastries bearable. John can't stand the cakes and breads unless they have something else to them. But apples like this are just so perfect, John thinks, as he munches around the core.
As soon as he's just down to the seeds he tosses the core over his shoulder.
"Ow! You unholy crotchstain. What the hell was that for?"
John turns around at the deep growly voice but sees no one directly behind him.
"Down here, fuckmunch."
John glances down at the source of the voice and finds a scowling dark face nearly buried in the ruby ruff of his cloak that his billowing out behind him. He only comes halfway up John's thigh. A long length of the fabric brushes against the dirt of the road even as the evening winds blow it about with how short his stature is. Yellow eyes gleam with a hateful glare under heavy brows pinched together. Deep lines can be seen pressed into the skin at the corners of his eyes and across his forehead where curly black hair isn't covering it. John catches glimpses of what could be orange horns sitting on top of his head under the mop, but he definitely notices the long ears sticking out to either side, the long points twitching in perhaps irritation.
"What are you staring at, douchey shitwad?"
"I thought you wanted me to look at you."
"No, moron. I wanted you to notice me, apologize, and then go back to your dumbass naive humming so I can bespell your ass and drag you back to the moon children."
"What?"
"Just watch where you throw your fucking trash, numbskull. Didn't your mother ever teach you any fucking manners? Or were you raised by the apes of the south? No the apes have better sense than to throw their shit into shad-"
"My mom's dead."
The short man's rant halts mid syllable. His mouth gapes open and John could probably count the number of fangs he has if John wasn't laughing so hard. The even deeper scowl he gets sets him laughing even harder until he is sitting on his butt gasping for air. In this position he is head level with the other and nearly loses it again at his arm-crossed glower.
"How much of a sick fuck do you have to be that you can laugh about your mother's death?"
"Well," John gasps, wiping the tears from his eyes, "she died when I was really really little so I didn't know her that well. But Dad's always supported me all on his own. He's told me a lot of stories about her, but I don't miss her that much. She's watching over me through the Veil."
"Veil? Humans really know about that? Huh."
"Well, not all of us do. Just a handful."
"Huh. Didn't know you lot were capable of such intelligent belief." The short man tips his head down to look at the boy. "No matter though, you are still rude and need to continue on your way and don't look back."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"You also said something about bespelling me."
"No, I didn't!"
"Pretty sure you did. Along with something about humming. But I don't hum either."
"Yes you do. It's fucking obnoxious and only slightly entertaining. Maybe that's why the moon children want you. You would make a tolerable jester for the Derse Court."
"Do jesters get free food? Would I have to wear a silly hat? Are you talking about Derse like from the fae stories?"
The man in front of him blinks a couple of times at the rapid fire questions.
"You have to pay for food? What idiotic asswrangler thought that one up? Humans can be so fucking dense. And I hope they make you wear a silly hat to go with your silly teeth and your silly colored eyes. Who has eyes the color of the day sky anyways? Fucking weirdos."
"Um... blue eyes are pretty common. So are brown and green."
"Ugh. Day colors. And you people wonder why we stay in the shadows."
"Stay in the shadows...? So you are fae!" John determines brightly.
"You are just figuring this out now. How can you be such a seedflaphumping assfairy? I thought you knew about the Veil. And now you are telling me you don't recognize a Shadow Knight when one is spitting you in the face?!" He stomps in a show of frustration.
"I-I didn't expect a Knight of the Fae to be so... short."
His entire face flushes red, all the way out to his ears. "Now listen here you- you- you stupid boy!"
John just grins up at him and then pushes himself up to his feet, brushing the dirt off his pants in a cloud that makes his companion cough. "Well, which direction?"
"What?"
"To the Derse Court. Aren't you taking me there so I can be a jester? We can work on my jokes along the way."
"The Derse Court isn't a place, dumbass. The Court is held in the castle in the fae lands."
"Oooh a castle. The closest thing to a castle I've seen is Lady Jade's greenhouse."
"That shack is nothing like a fae's castle."
"Oh. Then I can't wait!"
A thick eyebrow rises in suspicion. "You want to go? Like willingly? Like actually maybe saving me some effort and trouble?"
"Yeah! I mean, it sounds like fun. But, I guess I could put up a fight or something if you really want." John playfully puts up his fists and bounces on the balls of his feet.
The Knight rolls his eyes at John and suddenly there are two sickles in his hand. John swears that they just materialized from the shadows, but that's impossible. Their sharp inner edges gleam wickedly in the late afternoon light.
"Or not."
"Now listen here, you putrid rainbow fuckup, you will march under my control in that direction to start with," he points a sickle down the road, "until we get to Court and I have fulfilled my duties to the moon children so they will leave me alone from their fucking whining for a least a fucking cycle."
"Okay!" John turns and starts heading in that direction.
The short man just stares at him for a moment. "Well fuck. That was easy." He has to scramble a bit to catch up to the long legged boy, soon striding forcefully along his hip.
After several long drawn out moments of walking, John glances down at the black bushy hair bobbing next to his waist, catching a glimpse of those orange horns again. "My name is John Egbert!"
"And why should I care? Your name could be Magical Probing Asslord for all the shits that I give."
"That's not how you are supposed to answer," John replies undaunted. "I give you my name, you give me yours."
"Are you really that fucking stupid, boy?"
"No? What am I being stupid about?"
"This time?" The shorter man throws a baleful eye upwards. "I am a Shadow Knight. One of the fae. Names have power. And you just gave me your name. Which means I now have power over you, you disdainful fucksponge. And like Veil am I going to give you my name. The fae have titles for a fucking reason you know."
"Oh." John tilts his head in thought. "So I can just call you Shorty Knight?"
"Shadow Knight," the Knight snarls up at him. "And go that way." One of his arms point off to the side of the road. John peers at it and finally sees the small path leading away. It must have been made by the woodland animals, John muses. Or by tiny fae like the Knight.
"And if I don't want to?" John asks.
The Knight sputters for a moment. "But you said you'd go willingly!"
"Yeah, but we were also going down the main path towards my dad's. This is finally not on the way home."
"Well then, John Egbert," John feels a shiver run through him when the Knight says his name like that. And then his tone of voice turns even darker. "I would command you to do so. Turn."
John feels his feet shift in the dirt until he is fully facing the path. Another shiver goes through him and he's pretty sure it's not from the cooling evening temperatures. Wow, it really was a dumb idea to give the fae his name. He swallows and stares into the shadows under the trees.
Fae and magic were apparently real. This was a fact that John had put off comprehending until this moment but he could no longer indulge his disbelief, not with the Knight hovering at his elbow and the faint memory of the control he has over John's body with just a word. He had heard stories about the moon children, beautiful beings beyond mortal comprehension. With power, strength, and speed probably exaggerated with each telling of the tales but still undeniably holding nuggets of truth. And these creatures wanted to see him. John Egbert, a lowly son of a baker. Heir to bread and pies.
John wonders why the fae would want him. Maybe they weren't as strong as the stories said and needed arms that could lift barrels of cooking oil like they were nothing. Or maybe they wanted to taste the fine baking of the Egbert tradition. He's not nearly as good as Dad yet, but he makes a mean pie! And he already had the apples too! Or maybe they wanted him for what the Knight said, as an entertainer. He's pretty good at juggling and Lady Jade always laughed at his jokes.
Whatever the reason though, it will still be cool to see the moon children and meet more fae. And maybe he could even learn the Knight's name! Not that he would use it like how the Knight used his name. But Shorty was just a nickname to get him angry and he's kinda adorable when he's flailing.
"Okay, I'm game. Let's go see the fae."
"You really are making my job easy," the Knight comments as he finally takes the lead on the path leading into the forest. It's much narrower than the main road so John has to walk behind him. He doesn't really mind since he is able to see over the Knight's head. "Usually I have to spend most of the trip concentrating on the spells which then I don't get to watch my feet and end up running into trees and tripping over logs and there was that one time a fucking stupid hopbeast leapt into my face. I don't know why the bloody fuzz covered ball of shit wasn't watching where she was going but fuck I almost lost that one because I was ranting so hard."
"It doesn't sound like you are very good at magic. Usually the stories talk about how the fae wave their hands and shit happens."
"Shut your talking flaphole. No one asked for your opinion unless you can hear the fucking ash trees talking and they talk nothing but shit, the fucking gossips. I'm fucking fantastic at magic when I don't have bumbling idiots who like to hum or ask stupid questions around me like I'm their pitiful mother- and don't you fucking dare pull that dead mother trick with me again!" The Knight whirls around and pokes John angry in the middle of his chest with a thick finger. John yelps a bit as the tip of his claw cuts through his shirt and bites his skin.
"Wasn't thinking about it. Good Veil, you're crazy."
"I am not." The Knight hunches over a bit, letting the hem of his cloak sweep across the dirt of the trail as he turns back around. "It's just not easy running around doing menial tasks for the lords and ladies of the Derse Court like I am their personal valet and having to interact with imbecilic humans because do you know how hard it is to get a spell to stick to you humans? Hard! Very hard! Harder than steel plated protrusion spears thrusting clashing against each other.."
"What? Protrusions spears... thrusting...? Did you just describe doing magic as hard as fucking? And why do you have multiple spears? Do you have two dicks?"
"Spears are fucking weapons, you dumb fuck!" And there goes the Knight flailing again. "Fucking weapons like the things that will fuck you up so bad if you don't stop being so stupid!"
"But you use sickles not spears."
"ARGH!" John watches with amazement as the Knight quivers in anger. The red of the tips of his ears nearly matches his cloak. Or at least he thinks so. In the fading light it's harder to tell colors. John seems to be adapting to the darkness under the leafy boughs a bit better than normal. Maybe eating all of those carrots finally paid off! But still, sunset has nearly fallen.
"It's getting pretty late. I wonder if my dad's looking for me. He won't really know until morning though. Probably thinking I've stayed at Lady Jade's. Maybe I'll be able to slip back home and use that as an excuse! Will we make it back by morning?"
"I have no idea what the timetables are. Do you think I'm a seer or something? I'm a fucking Shadow Knight. I just do my job."
"But I will be able to go back right? I'll be able to go back and see my dad and my friends."
The Knight doesn't answer right away, his frown deepening just a bit. "There may be a time when you see them again."
"Would they know where I'd gone? Would they worry about me?"
"Don't all parents worry about their children, no matter the circumstance?"
"What if he tried to find me though? What if he got hurt?"
"The fae are not so easily found and won't needlessly cause injury to someone as not threatening as a human father. We're not wolves."
"Do you promise my father isn't going to get hurt by the fae?"
"It's not my place to deal in bargains and promises. Ask the moon children when you-"
"No!" John's shout startles the Knight and he turns around with a glare. John's stopped moving and has crossed his arms. "I am not moving until I have your word on... on something you can't br- on your name, that my father will not come to harm because of the fae, because of the moon children, because of this deal. And I swear I will stab myself to death on the nearest stick if you try to command me to keep moving," John threatens when he sees the Knight open his mouth. The Knight closes it with a clack of fangs as the boy guesses exactly what he would do.
He tries to open his mouth several times but discards each thought with another sigh. Each time his glower gets darker and darker until John feels like his shirt is about to catch on fire by just his gaze.
"Fine. You win. You fucking win. You happy? Argh." The Knight throws his hands up in the air spins on his heels and stalks a couple steps away before wheeling back. John hasn't moved at all. The Knight stares him down until John blinks and then is almost startled back when suddenly the yellow eyes are right in front of his face. "John Egbert, I swear to you as a Shadow Knight, I swear to you on my name, which you still don't get to hear you fucklicking nimshit, that your father will not be harmed by any action of the fae."
"Than-"
"Are you fucking stupid?" Actual spit flies out of the Knight's mouth and lands on John's cheek where he is quick to brush it away with the back of his hand.
"Wha-"
"We are fae. I'm a fucking fae. Did you not listen to any of the stories anyone says about the fucking fae. I know for a fucking fact that they definitely warn even dopey toddlers not to thank a fae for anything. How doltish do you have to be to forget that?"
"Well, sorry," John rolls his eyes at the Knight. "I was just trying to show some gratitude."
"If I was any other fae, I would have taken that dimwitted gratitude of yours and made your ass indebted to me for as long as I fucking wanted but I do not have time nor patience to deal with your incompetent waste of mass. And don't do that at Derse Court. Don't even think about it. Strike those words from your meager vocabulary. You know what, don't even speak at Derse Court. You'll get yourself into a fuck ton of trouble and like Veil am I going to save your asinine-"
"It's almost like you care about me, Shorty!"
It's fascinating watching the Knight's brain stutter. The flicker of emotions across his face is impressive but probably didn't need to be seen this close. Those sharp fangs, that are now audibly grinding against each other when he isn't gaping with a stunted comeback like a fish out of water, are a bit terrifying when they are only several inches away.
"Do you want an apple?"
The Knight's shoulders slump down, defeated by the idiocy presented. "No I don't want a fucking apple."
"They are delicious!" John sing songs as he reaches behind him for one. He holds it out to the Knight who stares at it suspiciously.
"What do you want for it?"
"Nothing. It's just dinner. So do you want it or not?" John can see the gleam in the Knight's eyes. "You don't even have to say thank you."
"What the fuck did I just say about not saying those words?" the Knight gnashes his teeth even as he swipes the red fruit from John's hands. John just laughs and grabs another one for himself. The Knight turns angrily on his heel, his cloak swirling behind him, the hem an inch or two off the ground. John can hear the crunch of the apple and the aborted moan at the good flavor as the Knight strides off. John follows him as he munches on his own apple dinner.
Twilight moves into full night with John catching glimpses of the stars and moon through the gaps in the tree branches. A deep quiet settles over the forest and John can't peer into the shadows on either side of the trail. The Knight and the immediate area don't seem to be affected by the dark at all, John notes as he carefully watches his step for the rogue root trying to trip him. John just chalks it up to it being a fae thing.
He finishes off his apple and contemplates the core. Then next thing he knows is that it's flying through the air towards the back of the Knight's head. When had he decided on that? Not that he didn't fully support the decision, especially with the shriek of outrage the Knight emits. The ring and flash of metal from the sickles suddenly shoved into his face, not as amusing.
"I made a promise about your father, not you, doucheshitting fuckwhiffing pimplesqueezer." John swallows as the narrow yellow eyes look down at him. "But luckily for you, the moon children have commanded me to keep you whole and I am nothing if not loyal to both letter and intent of my duties." The sickle disappears just as fast as it has dropped into his hand and John finds himself jogging a bit to catch back up to follow him, sniggering to himself along the way.
John glances around the forest again once he has caught up and is slightly surprised. Instead of the midnight darkness he expects, he sees a multitude of soft little lights scattered throughout the trees. Some are partially hidden under leaves and behind branches, but their soft glow still illuminates the area. John wonders briefly if it's a natural phenomenon that he's never seen before because he's never been this deep in the forest in the middle of the night before. But then again it could be that they they have stepped into the fae lands now. Which is probably pretty accurate with where the tall fae in front of him is taking him.
"Soooo, not to be annoying or anything-"
"Too late."
"-but how much further?"
"Oh sweet Veil, you puny humans and your weak as shit bodies."
"No seriously. We've been walking for a while and these apples aren't necessarily light."
"We're almost there so shut your fucking pie hole and be a good little sheep."
"Baa." John grins as he sees the Knight's shoulders jump up to his ears in frustration.
"I'm almost there. I'm almost done. What did I do to suffer this? I'm almost there," the Knight mutters lowly. "Hold your breath."
It takes John a second to realize that the Knight had directed the last command to him and even though they haven't stopped moving forward, John does as he is told and takes a large breath and holds it. A step later and John feels like he's walked under a curtain of ice cold water that would have taken his breath away if he hadn't been holding it. After passing the invisible barrier, the air is bright with warm colored light from lanterns hanging from every possible branch and niche. A lot more and a lot brighter than the ones John had seen leading up to now. The trees have been carved into with windows and doors. John catches glimpses of faces peering at him and he waves gingerly at them, causing them to duck away.
"There, now it shouldn't be as dark as a troll's butthole for you any more. Welcome to the fae lands."
"It wasn't really that dark... but it is much brighter!" The Knight gives him a sideways look with a deep frown. "So where is the Derse Court?"
"Fucking Veil! You are the most impatient batshit assbitching bulgehump I have ever had the displeasure to bring to the fae lands. No one has ever flapped their talk flaps this much!" The Knight throws his hands up in the air in frustration. "Though I suppose that they are nearly catatonic under spells at this point..." He comes to a stop in front of a wide tree. It's wider than a cart, lengthwise. And when John looks up, he can't see the top from both height and number of heavy branches filled with colored lanterns. The Knight waves his hand towards the trunk and a second later John hears a loud ripping, tearing noise and then watches as the trunk splits open. A soft purple light filters out from a small hallway that turns downwards and to the left. The Knight sweeps his arm forward this time in an invitation to enter.
John feels a twinge of trepidation at the thought of going underground. Down there he'd really be trapped. But he also supposes that he's come this far, he might as well see what the whole fuss is about. And it didn't look dim and dank like he expects something underground to be. The walls are straight cut crystals and apparently the actual source of light.
With one last deep breath of open air, John enters.
He can hear the Knight shuffling behind him with soft mutters under his breath. John glances over his shoulder and is met with glowering red eyes looking down at him. He picks up the pace, the tap tap of his footsteps echoing on the narrow staircase that seems to curl around on itself several times and then curls the other way a couple more until it comes to a stop at a heavy iron door that seems so much more solid and real than the translucent crystal walls. The metal is cool under the palm of his hand as he pushes it open. The hinges scream a bit, making John wince. Beyond the door is a large room.
The blocky shapes of the crystal walls from the previous hall now appear with finer facets and intricate designs. The walls glitter with internal and reflected light. At the base are various pieces of furniture either that same purple as the walls or a bone white. John runs his eyes upward along the walls to the high vaulted ceiling that seems too high for being underground. As he thinks that, he sees part of the wall he's looking at flicker and becomes dark twisted roots wrapped around a thick iron post. But when he squints at it to look better, the crystals cover it again.
His attention is drawn back down to the middle of the room by a shrill scream.
"Ooooooh! Look what Knighty brought us this time!"
"Indeed, Sister, he looks absolutely... scrumptous."
Standing at the center are three figures decked out in deeper, bolder purples and pinks. One stands primly in a long slim gown with long sleeves that cover her hands and a skirt that pools on the ground. The jewel neckline plunges along her chest revealing very pale skin under a heavy gold pendent the shape of the sun. Her hair is short but smooth with a gold circlet resting lightly on her crown.
The other two are in elegant jackets with long tails. One wears a cravat around his neck under a high collar with two silver half hearts on either folded lapel while the other's lapels cross his chest entirely with gold chains crossing back and forth over a gold outline of a gear. Otherwise their appearances are the same down to their boots. The one with gold on his jacket has a gold diadem on his smooth hair similar to the girl but the other one had a silver diadem on hair whose soft spikes seem to defy gravity.
A fourth figure in a full frilly dress is running directly towards them with curly blonde hair bouncing on her bare shoulders. Short puffy sleeves cling to her upper arms with the off the shoulder neckline meeting up with a sweetheart dip in the front. A silver spiral bounces off of her chest with her motion. The tight bodice is laced with silver ribbon before it flares out into her bunched up skirts. Pink slippers don't even make a whisper on the smooth floor.
She comes to an abrupt stop right in front of John.
"Greetings, child, son of the day star. Welcome to Derse Court," her voice is light and airy like a spun sugar, which John considers is a weird analogy but it seems to fit. There is quick motion right by his side and when he looks over he finds the Knight kneeling with his head bowed. John looks back to the girl in front of him and is about to speak but is caught off guard as her eyes suddenly flash a bright pink. It wasn't just her golden brown irises that changed, no, the whole of her eyes became bright pink for a moment and then returned to normal. "Oh Knighty, you've done such a good job with this one. You may answer me, child."
"Uh... yes, nice to meet you too, um, children of the... night rock?"
The Knight growls, resisting the urge to stab John's ankle at such disrespect, but the fae in front of him just titters with high pitched giggles.
"We are the moon children," another voice speaks up, sounding like cream and cherries. John is startled to find the others standing next to the first in front of him. All of their eyes are the same golden brown as the cheerful one in front of him until he looks for a little longer and then he gets flashes of red, purple, and orange which startle him a bit. Another quick look around the room and he sees more flashes of roots and iron.
"We are the fae," this voice of the silver prince is sharp like a squeeze of citrus.
"Would you like to play?" Smooth and sultry like port, the golden princess' voice slips into his ears.
"Play?"
"Yes, play," the golden prince purrs as he steps forward. A hand lifts and a gentle finger brushes against his cheek. His skin is cool and makes John giggle a little.
"He's very responsive," the silver prince comments. "I'd love to see what other cute noises we can get from him."
John's shoulders suddenly get lighter as the bushel of apples is lifted from his back. He turns to see the silver princess holding it by the rim with her finger and thumb. He blink in disbelief at the show of strength. In between quick closes of his eyes he gets a flash of claws gripping and crushing the rim, but it's only a flash before it back to pale skin and dainty, pink tipped fingers.
"There we go. That must feel much better." John jumps a little at the port wine voice at his ear. A shiver runs down his spine as her hands are placed on his shoulders and begin to massage the sore muscles. John lets out a soft sigh at the attention.
"What is your name?" the other princess asks.
"John." As soon as the name comes out, John remembers the Knight's warnings and cuts off before his surname.
"John what?" they ask further.
"John the baker." Frowns flicker across the faces of the moon children in front of him before they return to smiling.
"A baker. I bet you eat a lot of sweets. So many that I bet you are very sweet." The golden prince smiles as he lifts one of John's hands up to his mouth. He maintains eye contact with John as his tongue slides along John's palm and up his finger. John gasps as the prince pops his finger into his mouth and sucks. The fae's mouth is cold and his tongue almost scaly to the touch where it looks like it should be fleshy. He hums pleasantly in approval.
The silver prince slides up to John's other side. "It seems that my brother has taken a liking to you," he purrs into John's ear. John doesn't startle as much when a hand skates over the front of his tunic.
"He-he does?"
"Yessiree!" The silver princess bounces into the space in front of him. "He likes the wide eyed innocent ones. It doesn't matter if it's a girl or boy. The other brother however, he's particular. You should have seen him with the tree eyed boy. Couldn't stop drooling." She licks her lips like she's cleaning up her own drool.
"Hush, sister."
"You're just upset because it's true," the golden princess speaks from John's other shoulder where her fingers are working deep into his muscles. He can feel his upper arms twitch but his hand is still under the golden prince's control.
"Well, he was such a treat." A tongue sweeps up the outer edge of his ear lobe, as cold and slick as the one pretty much wrapped around his finger.
He leans away from the sudden set touch. "Uh... ac-actually I don't eat much of what we make. Then we couldn't sell them if I ate them all!" John explains. This gets him a couple more brief frowns. He looks around at them and keeps seeing flashes of torn cloth, claws, and fangs on the royal crowd and twisted roots, broken stone, and iron beams in the background. It was all so confusing, it made his head spin a little.
"Why don't you have a seat, John?" the golden princess offers as she pushes down on his shoulders. Her hands feel like a gentle, steady, but immutable force pressing down on him until he has no other place to go but down. Surprisingly there is a plush cushion underneath him that he doesn't remember being there moments before. Glancing behind him, it's a full chaise lounge of the same ethereal purple that decorates the rest of the too large room. The bone white scroll work at the top has such delicate carvings on it that he wants to run his hands over it to see if they are actually as thin as they seem but when he reaches out, it changes into a black rotted tree limb. Before he can pull his hand back it's back to white.
He can feel his heart beating nearly out of his chest. His breaths are quick and panicked. He looks back at the others surrounding them and suddenly their kind smiles don't look very kind. When his eyes flick from prince to princess he gets hints of hunger and desire and such inhuman coldness.
He wants the Knight back with him, comforting even in his anger.
"Just relax, John," the golden prince consoles. He is the first to move forward, sitting next to him on the purple moss- no, fabric.
"We just want to play," the silver princess titters before taking his other side. John is too caught up in how her eyes turned bright pink to notice the hand resting on his thigh until it presses down on his pocket. He's about to say something to the prince when the princess' hand skims over the front of his chest, her nails slicing the fabric just down to his skin. He pulls back from her only to have his head lightly knock into something behind him, looking back he sees that he had bumped into the chest of the golden princess. Apologies are on the tip of his tongue but he's interrupted once again by the sudden parting of his legs as the silver prince kneels in front of him. He really doesn't like how he licks his tongue, the small muscle briefly becoming a sickly gray before returning to a healthy pink.
"I-I-"
"Shush," the golden prince brings his other hand up to place a cold finger against his lips. Despite the command, John can't help the squeak that comes with the silver pinches his nipple. Two more cold hands cup the underside of his jaw, tipping his head back so that it rests between the edges of her dress.
"Let us take care of you," her port wine voice tries to soothe him but he doesn't have to look to feel the hands on his thighs creeping up higher than they are supposed to be, higher than John feels comfortable with, higher than John's ever been touched.
"NO!" The fae hold perfectly still at the loud cry. "I don't want to play!"
There is another beat before the silver prince stands. "This is fucking useless. Knight!"
John flinches away from the loud sharpness in his voice but the other fae don't move except for the silver princess looking up at the other, "Brother?"
"Knight! Get your worthless ass out here now!" he roars, making John's ears hurt. At a more conversational tone he addresses the other fae, "He was never bespelled. He's too fresh. Our beloved knight fucked up."
"Oh," the hands on him disappear as everyone retreats from him suddenly. He feels suddenly warmer. He can now feel the blush that has climbed high on his cheeks. There is an off moment of silence and stillness as they apparently wait for the-
"KNIGHT!"
Finally there is a clatter of noise and then some quiet grumbling and then finally several quick steps as the Shadow Knight apparently crosses from whatever entrance he came from to the small group. John's shoulders relax when he looks up at the gray face. The Knight on the other hand looks startled to see John.
"Knight." He falls to his knee, bowing to the moon children. "Why did you not bespell the baker's son?" the silver prince's voice is now pure lemon, sour and harsh.
He looks over at John, his mouth gaping like a fish as he tries to find the words. "I-I-"
"Answer me!"
The Knight's head drops sharply. "He came willingly. I didn't need to. I was going to, like I always do, but the apple- he noticed me and then he volunteered to come."
"Worthless." The Knight flinches like the word actually cut him. "There is a reason for our orders."
"Always, my prince. Please forgive me."
"N-"
"Wait." The golden princess speaks up. The silver prince sends her a look that chills John to the bone again but she doesn't seem phased. "Give him the evening to make reparations. This is the first time he has erred."
"This will be the only time he will err," the golden prince murmurs under his breath.
"We'll give him another punishment later, brother, but don't kill him just yet," the silver princess purrs out as she sits lightly on the Knight's curved back. John didn't believe that she weighed that much with how effortlessly she moved but the Knight looked like he was straining.
There is another long moment before the silver prince nods. The silver princess squeals happily and squirms, kicking her legs up into the air. The Knight sinks down another inch or so before she finally settles and stands up. The Knight stays there as the moon children wander out. The princesses lead with the princes following. Finally the Knight stands.
"Of course a blithering disgusting stupid shitpuppet like you would fuck this up for me," he starts growling as soon as he turns to John.
"Wha... what just happened?" The couch he's sitting on is feeling damp to he stands as well, only coming to about the Knight's shoulder.
"What happened is that you nearly cost me by fucking life."
"Uh..."
"Remember when I said it was so much fucking work to fucking bespell humans and walk them to the fae lands?" John nods. "Well, apparently bespelling the humans is the important part but you! You fucking up my routine and made me forget that and made me look like a fucking fool!"
"I-I-" John doesn't know what to say. He doesn't even know what they wanted. His body was still reacting to their presence, to their touches and they weren't even there. "W-what did they want with me?"
"They wanted to feed on you."
"What?" John shrieks and stumbles back. "Is that what they meant by sweet? They were going to eat me?!" He looks around the room but can't seem to find the exit. The walls are flickering more now. Large sections of purple marble are replaced by iron bars holding back raw earth. The pink crystal shimmers away and show bone white exposed roots. John tries not to look at that, not liking how it makes his stomach shift in ways that make him feel like he'll be sick all over the Knight's shoes.
"No, you fucking incompetent asswagon. They wanted to feed on you, not eat you. They wanted to feed on your innocence. Why do you think that they steal fucking children away?"
"But- But- But-" John is shaking and he can feel the sobs rising up in his throat. His eyes burn with tears.
"Oh don't fucking cry."
John just crumples down to the floor with a wail.
"Fuck, fuck, don't do that. Shut up! Oh fuck, just shut up!"
All of the Knight's yelling just makes him cry harder and louder.
"No! I said cease! Stop! Shut the fuck up!"
John hiccups as he tries to breath through the red hot tears and sobbing cries. The phantom sensations of the moon children comes back across his skin like the legs of spiders crawling across. The screams and scratches at his skin trying to get it to stop. It only makes it worse until his hands are grabbed. He looks up and the Knight is kneeling right in front of him with a worried pained face. It quickly morphs into something attempting to be a bit more stoic but comes across as constipated.
"I said stop that. You're going to be okay. After I'm done with you, you won't feel a thing."
John hiccups again but he doesn't scream. He just silently trembles and lets the hot tears slip down his cheeks. He doesn't want to feel what the moon children are going to do to him. But he doesn't want to not feel a thing. He just doesn't want it to happen.
"Please, Knight, help me."
His face softens a little. "I would but then I would die. I don't want to die. I am indebted to them. As long as they control my name..."
"Please,' John begs pitifully. "Please, Karkat."
"I ca-" His yellow eyes widen comically. "What. What did you just say?"
"Please, Karkat, will you help me out of this?"
"That's... that's... Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. That wasn't supposed to happen. My debt. Oh Veil. Your father. It overrode... Or... Or those fuckers," he hisses out with a venom that makes John recoil, but John can only get so far with his hands still held tightly by Karkat. "Those fuckers didn't tell me when my debt to them has been repaid. That's the only way that promise could have... I thought I was still- Fuck!"
"My dad...?"
"The only way you could have my name is that my debt has passed to you because of our deal. And your deal has come into effect because your fucking moronic father has been injured by a fae probably because he came out to look for you which wouldn't have happened if I had bespelled you correctly for the lazy pink moon child who was supposed to set a spell on you to write you out of fucking existence. Fuck, this is a mammoth incompetent lackadaisical shit pile of fuckall. I'm going to fucking behead the Veildamn shitbagging dickscratcher who couldn't follow the fucking easy ass instructions of don't touch a fucking human!" he snarls.
"Is he okay? They didn't- They didn't k-" John can't bring himself to finish the statement.
"I don't know. I don't fucking know. I've been in here dealing with this prickish pointless shit instead of doing my actual fucking job!"
"Karkat, please, oh please will you help me and my dad?" John pleads.
"I-" He stops. He frowns as he thinks. "You have my name. You could just order me."
"I don't want to do that. I don't want to deal with this faerie shit anymore! I just wanna go home!" John's bottom lips quivers as his eyes fill up with another wave of tears.
"Oh for Veil's sake, don't fucking cry again. For my debt I'll help you. I'll help you and your father."
John instantly brightens up. The tears in his eyes aren't gone but take on a shiny glimmer of hope instead. "Really?"
"That's what I said. The fae can't lie. But at the end of this my debt will be paid and I will get my fucking name back. Now get to your feet. We have to get moving before the moon children figure it out." He hauls John up to his feet. The boy is so light that he accidentally clears the ground altogether but he settles down just fine eye to eye with Karkat. "Come along."
"Wait." John digs his feet in a little as Karkat tries to pull him away.
"What is it now?" He spins around with spittle flying a little bit onto John's face.
"I-I want to give you back your name. I, uh, I don't hold you to any debt. I no longer hold your name."
The Knight just stares at him with his jaw hanging loose. He blinks several times before trying to start a sentence several times. Finally he manages to get out, "What the bloody Veil do you think you are doing? You are the most horseshitting looneyblock assfucker of a lackadaisical magical shitass idiot I could potentially comprehend! That was the only thing keeping me from outright killing you and taking my own fucking freedom and running for the Seven Hills. Why the fuck would you do that?" He had started off shouting but by the time he finishes, he's back down to normal levels of conversation, soft even for his usual volumes.
"I- I- It felt like the right thing to do," John defends stubbornly. "Now let's get out of here before those freaks come back!" He starts marching off in the direction that he thinks they came in from. At least that's the direction that... he can't think of the name he was just saying. It's the direction that the Knight was headed before John stopped him.
The Knight is stunned and rooted to the spot until John is halfway to the exit. John hears him running after and catches up with him at the door. The Knight swats John's hand away from the door and does something with his hands that John can't follow before the door suddenly creaks open. The Knight drags him through and slams the iron door behind them. Then John's being tugged up the stairs to the second door. This one is seemingly a little easier to get through.
John is about to step out, down the path that they traveled in on when he's thrown up against the nearest wall.
"Stupid shit trumpet," the Knight growls under his breath. "Do you want to be caught after just getting out of there?"
"Uh, no?" John shakes his head.
"Of fucking course not. So just follow me but stay down," he hisses. Then he turns and works his way around the edge of the building. John follows the best he can, staying crouched. It was easier for the shorter Knight but John made do. He has no idea where they are or where they are going. He just has to trust the Knight. Maybe he should have held onto the Knight's name, but then again, he's not one to command people around like that. Especially if that's what the moon children did.
He does his best to keep up and the Knight only has to wait on John to catch up. John's not sure how far they go because it feels like forever but when he glances back, the giant tree is still looming right over his shoulder. He wonders if it's a fae thing. It's another long couple of moments before the scenery starts to change. He smells the stables just before he sees them. The Knight slows down and John almost runs into him. He has no idea what they are hiding from but he's obeying the Knight because he has no other course of action. He's already messed up enough, he doesn't want to make it any worse.
Finally the Knight decides that the coast is clear and starts moving towards the gate in a brisk run. John stays with him and helps him reach the top most latch at the Knight was trying to get it on his tip toes. They enter and the Knight carefully keeps the door from closing behind him. The livestock and manure stench is stronger now, but still manageable. John doesn't have much time to take in the rows and rows of stalls before the Knight is grabbing his hand and dragging him along.
John looks into one of the stalls as he dragged past and the dark 'wrong' shape with too many glowing cerulean eyes that feel like they are hungry for more than just hay makes him regret looking. He keeps his eyes on the cobblestone ground for the rest of the path until the Knight suddenly stops and John runs into him this time to much cursing and flailing.
"Watch your douchesquatting step, you crotchstained garbage! Or do you want the whole fucking gobsmacking fae army to come down on our heads? Just get in there!" He shoves John towards one of the stalls. John balks, not knowing what's in there, but an extra hard shove from the Knight leaves him no choice.
Once past the gate he crouches and closes his eyes expecting to get eaten by a monster. But instead he feels a velvety nose brush his hand and huff a warm puff of breath at him. He slowly uncurls and looks up into the red eyes of a white horse. A normal horse except for the shade of his eyes. For some reason John isn't as freaked out as he thinks he should be. The horse nuzzles him again until he giggles.
"Crabby, stop that." The horse snickers at the Knight and swings his head around to nuzzle the Knight. "Seriously! Fuck off!" The Knight pushes him away to another set of snickers. "No time to play. We're getting the fuck out of here." The horse gives Karkat a serious eye. "Yes. I really mean it this time," the Knight says a little softer.
"You named your horse Crabby?" John asks.
"It's a fucking nickname. His name isn't actually Crabby. That would be fucking asinine. But I'm not going to shout his real name out to the first nitwit that asks. He gave that to me and I'm going to respect that."
John looks up at the horse and the horse winks at him. "Alrighty then. So how are we going to sneak Crabby out of here?"
"We're not. As soon as we step out of the stables, they are going to know. We've bought as much time as we could get," he says solemnly. "So no more time to waste."
He snaps his fingers and Crabby is suddenly dressed with a halter, reins, and saddle. John takes a half step back at the sudden appearance. The Knight of course grabs him and pulls him over to the short step stool next to Crabby. They clamber up and swing onto Crabby's back with the Knight in front and John with his arms wrapped around his torso.
"Hold on tight, don't you fucking let go, John Egbert, and ruin all of this. And for the love of Veil, don't scream."
John's not sure what there is to scream about. He's been on horseback before. But then he can feel Crabby's muscles bunch up underneath him, and without a verbal command from the Knight, he surges ahead. He vaults over the stable gate with such a speed that John does nearly fall off, but by the skin of his teeth, his arms stay wrapped around the Knight's waist.
Crabby pounds down the corridor of the stables to the other gate, reaching speeds that cause the other stalls to blur by. He doesn't stop when he gets to the gate, but he bursts through the wooden doors, knocking them completely off their hinges. John guesses stealth is definitely off the table.
Moments later, as if to confirm John's thoughts, an arrow flies through the air, whistling right next to John's ear. If Crabby hadn't jostled a step to the right, it would have hit him. John has only a moment to wonder if it was coincidence or somehow purposeful. But then there is a jostle to the left and another arrow to the other side. John yelps and keeps himself leaning in close to the Knight. He doesn't want to go out by an arrow to the back, not after all he's come through. There is nothing else he can do but trust the Knight and his steed.
The forest blurs by them as they nearly fly over the ground. There are more and more of the faerie lights appearing as apparently the alarm is raised over their escape. They are so numerous that as John risks a glance over his shoulder, they look like all of the stars have fallen from the sky to land in the stretch behind them. Crabby leaps through the underbrush with thundering hooves, racing away from the danger but John doesn't know what exactly lies ahead of them.
John doesn't get any warning when they pass through the Veil this time and the coldness hits him like a slap to the face, knocking some of the air out of John's lungs. It's a miracle that he doesn't let go of the Knight, even as he struggles to get another breath with the wind whipping past. The world ahead of them is now dark enough that John's sure that they will trip on something sooner or later but Crabby continues to race along surefooted. The wildness of the forest however seems to be encroaching on them as branches now start to rip at his sleeves and hair to the point that he is sure that they are leaving cuts on his face and arms. He tries to protect himself by burying his face into the Knight's cape. He can feel the Knight's heart racing almost in time with Crabby's thumping.
He also hears the Knight murmuring to Crabby. He makes out something that suspiciously sounds like the Knight promising the horse all of the apples that he can eat if they get out of the forest alive. That's reassuring, John thinks sarcastically, but he does feel a little bit more speed. Despite the danger and severity of the situation, that makes John laughs a little bit.
He is terrified to be sure. The world flies past with a speed he's never seen before even when Lady Jade's horse that he was on suddenly started galloping when it got spooked by her wolfhound. Arrows pepper the trees with soft thunks right behind him and John feels like it's only a matter of time until one of them finds its target in flesh, even as the frequency decreases until there is nothing. But somehow that makes it even worse. The most terrifying thing is the silence behind them. There is no roar of an army. Not even the braying of dogs. Just a silent, deadly, menacing force.
But with his front pressed tightly against the Knight's back, nearly curling around his smaller form, he knows he's going to be okay. He was going to get home safely.
Or that's what he was thinking when Crabby suddenly pulls to a stop, nearly throwing John over the Knight's head. He feels the panic rise in his guts. They need to be moving, they need to be running.
"Kn-Knight!"
"Shut up," he bites back. "Foot soldier, appear!" he commands to the bushes off to the side. John clutches his back as something comes forward, a hooded figure materializing from the leaves. "Did you attack anyone?"
"Sir?"
"Answer the Veildamn question."
"Um... we were attacked first. I'm not sure how he found us-"
"Because you are sloppy nookcrunching huge douchewhiffs that can't hide from a fucking simpleton mortal. You globetickling pungent shitflingers never could pass a fuckshitting inspection to save your grubfucking lives."
"Sorry, Shadow Knight."
"Asinine apologies aren't going to cut it. I've given enough slack-"
"Knight," John whines, still feeling the pressure of the chase that feels like it's still breathing down their neck.
"I know. Shut up," he addresses behind him. Turning back to the soldier, " Do you have him?"
"The hostage? Yeah. Thought you might want to execute him yourself."
The Knight grunts as John's arms tighten around his middle. "No. Fuck no. He's not who I'm going to fucking execute. Bring him."
The soldier nods and becomes shadows once again.
"Knight."
"I know, I know. They've never been able to follow orders. I should cull them all."
"Cull? No, no, don't kill them."
"Human." The Knight squints his eyes at John. "You are so naive."
"I don't care."
"They are the ones who hurt your father!"
"I don't care. Don't kill them."
The Knight just makes a strangled noise of rage. He's about to argue more when there is a rustle from below and the soldier reappears with someone stumbling after.
"Dad!" John leaps off of Crabby, getting the feeling of something sliding away from around his waist. He stumbles at the odd sensation as he hits the ground hard, but he gets to his feet fast enough. The Knight curses at him but John doesn't care. He's already hugging his father, pressing his face against the familiar chest and breathing in the ever present scent of flour, vanilla, and tobacco. "Dad!"
"John, you're alright," he says with audible relief.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Are you okay?"
"Nothing more than a scrape or two."
"That's it?" the Knight chimes in with disgust. "That's all it took to give you my name? Holy imbecilic load gaper of shit. They had no debt on me. Those two-timing, shameshitting, vomit-inducing, cactusfucking shitbitches thinking that I'm just a moronic foolish clownfucker. I'll show them who's a shitsquatting whimsical waste of space," he growls out as he pulls his two sickles into existence.
"No killing!" John says loudly, trying to get his determination across without shouting and drawing the army of fae certain to kill them down upon their location.
The Knight growls at him and John believes that he might anyways, as if to show that John has no sway over him, that John doesn't have his name, but he ends up putting the sickles away. "Soldier!" he barks and the hooded figure snaps to attention fro where he had been staring at John in amazement. "My final order to you and company is to tell the moon children that their precious Shadow Knight tells them to fuck off. My final final order is to disband and go home."
The soldier hesitantly nods and disappears.
"Now, the two of you, hurry up and get on. We don't have long. Dawn approaches."
They get Crabby to shuffle over to a fallen log to step up on. John goes up first, right behind the Knight. Dad climbs on second, scooting in close as well. John feels very secure between the two of them. The calming mix of baking, tobacco, and the spiciness of the Knight fills his lungs. He only has a moment to think about it before Crabby surges again between his legs and they take off.
There still aren't any more arrows hitting the trees but John's still twitchy about the rustling in the bushes. It's not just their speed. There is something out there. He catches sight of glowing eyes and dark shapes.
"Knight!"
"I know, I know, I see them. Just hold on!" He kicks Crabby, urging him to go just a little bit faster. The trees thin out and John can see the sky again, lightened with dawn approaching.
"We're almost home," Dad says behind him. John wonders if that's going to be enough. Their home is only a small cottage with a cakery attached. nothing like the thick great structures of the fae. The army that is chasing them will swarm right over it. The black shapes dodging around in the shadows will tear right through the walls and get them. The arrows, swords, spears, sickles will cut them down where they stand. John doesn't think that there are any weapons in the house at all! A rolling pin might be there only form of defense. They are doomed!
"Permission! I need permission!" the Knight shouts over the thunder of hooves and John's panic.
"You, Knight, and your horse are allowed into our home," Dad quickly tells him.
"Veildamn, you know your lore."
John doesn't get to ask what that was all about before they suddenly clear the forest. There is a stretch of field and road and then Crabby leaps the fence around the cottage to land heavily in their yard. The three of them nearly go over Crabby's neck when he comes to a sudden stop right near the front door. The Knight curses quite creatively as Crabby snickers like laughter.
Dad is the first one to climb down, grabbing John by the waist and swinging him off as well. "Knight-"
"Shut up. They are here. Get inside."
"Knight-"
"Get inside!"
"We want to help!" John tells him, looking up earnestly.
"You can help me by getting out of the way! Your threshold is pretty strong to stop them at your gate but still..." He summons his sickles. "Let me handle this. You should go inside, John Egbert."
John feels a tug on him like something pulling at his clothes but his father is only touching his shoulder. "Knight..."
"Don't make this be in vain, baker's son. You either, baker. Go inside. You will be safe behind your threshold. Let me handle my own business." The Knight looks up and over the other side of Crabby, back towards the gate. Dad's hand tightens on his shoulder and pulls John away. They hurry to the cottage house. John runs to the window and presses his face against the glass pane.
Despite the closeness of dawn, the space beyond the fence and gate is black. As John stares longer he sees the shapes inside of the darkness thrashing against an invisible barrier at the line of their property. John gasps but his father is a kind and gentle presence at his back. He looks up as the Knight comes center in the yard, still on Crabby. The blackness surges up violently in front of him, reaching up into the sky. It's terrible and terrifying, but the Knight's attention is on the ground in front of the gate. John watches it shimmer with the same iridescence that he saw in the room under the giant tree.
He blinks and four familiar figures are now standing in their yard. Inside the gate. John shivers at the memories that they bring up. His father squeezes his shoulder.
"Shadow Knight!" the silver prince shouts in that same painful volume that has the items on their shelves shaking. The Knight doesn't even flinch.
"Explain yourself," the golden princess commands.
"I owe you no explanation. In fact, I owe you doltish pretentious groinsores absolutely fucking nothing."
"Shadow Knight, we've given you everything," the golden prince speaks up in a calm soothing voice. The Knight still sits unperturbed. "We saved your life, we gave you purpose, we housed you, fed you, made you whole again. We gave you your company, let you into our domain. We gave you everything you asked for-"
"Except my freedom."
"Well, loyal servants need not freedom. That would only get you into trouble. Like the situation you are in now."
"And you think it would be any fucking better for me to return with you? I'm not a fucking imbecile. I have my name now. I have probably had my name, my freedom for a long time now, but you greedy jerkfucks never told me, So I am taking my leave of you now. May you rot and starve away surrounded by idiot peons."
"What?" the silver princess shrieks so shrilly that John thinks the panes are about to shatter. "We'll kill you!"
"No. You won't," the Knight says confidently. "You can't do jack shit. You're not even fucking here. You're still trapped in your gilded fucking cage underneath that mammoth tree. All of that cold wrought iron around you should keep you there for the millenia that it takes to rust away. Longer if my charms work as well as I planned."
"How dare you!"
"Good luck finding yourself another doltish bulgefuck to cater to your every whim and find you victims to lure to you. I hope you starve for eternity."
The screech that comes next is wholly inhuman, unnatural to even the animal kingdom. The moon children shed the pretense of their appearance. Their eyes glow in bright unearthly colors, their mouths are full of fangs parting to scream with serpentine tongue, their tangled hair is purest white, their fine clothes hanging off of them in tatters showing dead gray skin underneath, hands curl into claws that look sharper than Dad's knives. They dash forward to attack the Knight, making John squeak out in alarm.
The Knight doesn't move, letting them pass harmless through him like vapors, except to sigh heavily. "You are just a bunch of vacuous putrid brats having a tantrum."
The red eyed prince sees John at the window and dives at him in rage. A sickle comes down and disrupts his image before he can reach the cottage. The creature dissolves in the air. But while John was watching that, the other three has started moving, running wide around the Knight at the cottage, outside of the range of his sickles. Overly wide pink, angry hungry orange, narrowed brilliant lavender eyes streak towards the glass. But like the shadows at the gate, they hit the wall of the cottage as ineffectually as a summer breeze. The panes don't even rattle at the impact.
The Knight is unhurried as he turns Crabby towards them and cuts them down. There is a shimmer behind him and the four are once again standing in the center of the yard.
"You cannot do anything. You're power has no reach. You have no reach. You are trapped for your crimes against the fae and I am no longer silenced. I am no longer in your service." The Knight stands on Crabby's back, just barely clearing his mane. "Go fuck yourselves with rusty disease ridden rakes!"
The moon children scream at him once more before disappearing in a haze of dust. The black horde behind them dissipates as the first rays of sun crest over the tops of the forest. The Knight and his steed hold steady until there isn't a trace left of any other fae. Then he turns towards the cottage.
John notes that he looks tired and possibly more grumpy than he's been before. Crabby walks forward and greets Dad who is holding out an apple for him.
"We can stable him if you'd like."
"He deserves a good bale of hay. It's not every day that I make his fat ass run like that." The Knight gets a disgruntled snicker for that. "Veil, I feel like I deserve a bale of hay myself."
"You deserve much more than that for saving my son. I offer you hospitality and a good meat pie."
"For all the trouble he caused?" The Knight casts John a baleful eye. "Make it two pies. An apple one."
"Certainly. I'll get all of that started for you." Dad takes Crabby's reigns and holds him still as the Knight climbs down.
"So... what are you going to do now?" John asks, finally speaking up again.
"I don't know. I've been with them for too fucking long. It's not like I have many skills. I'm a terrible leader and a worse jailor. A failure of a fae." He slumps down at his own deprecation.
"Why don't you become a baker? Stay here and help us out! That way I can thank you for saving me!" John says eagerly.
"Do you learn nothing, you bullshit prickish nookhump?" It's so much better to see him snarling and nearly foaming at the mouth than looking defeated.
"Nope! Guess you'll just have to stay and teach me," John grins wildly.
"Aaugh! Fine! Fine. But you better prove to be the best baker's son in all the lands, John Egbert." The Knight stomps over to the nearest table and climbs up into the seat, glowering at John as if daring him to counter what he said.
"I'll even tell you a couple of my favorite jokes, Mister Shadow Knight. And you can help me with the rest."