Q&D's A/N: So we're supposed to put something up here about not owning any of this. Consider it said (although we would take Sheppard, Beckett and McKay if they were offered).
Warnings for language and non-sexual nudity. Now go. Read. Laugh. Enjoy.
At least, we hope you will. :P
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"Kavanagh, I am goin' to rip your bloody head off if ye don't shut up!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who got us into this mess, am I?"Kavanagh demanded, shooting a meaningful glare at Teyla.
They had been there about four hours. Four very boring, very irritating hours locked in the east side of Atlantis, waiting for Zelenka and the other technicians to repair the circuits that had trapped them to begin with. Of course, they had only been able to get out the call for help before the dampening field sprang to life (McKay still couldn't figure out what had triggered it), so there was no way of knowing exactly when help would come.
Sheppard held his gun in the relaxed manner of one who knows they are not going to need a weapon. He rubbed his head wearily with the other hand.
"Rodney," he said, "Ignore them and get us out of here."
"Are you kidding? That's impossible, it's like asking me to ignore an elephant in my bathtub. Only an elephant would be more helpful."
"Hey! Now that's not fair! I was just saying what every one was thinkin'!" Beckett sounded offended.
McKay sighed deeply and expressively. "Yes, yes, very nice, he shut up, now why don't you try it?"
"Rodney..." Sheppard said, warningly. "I said, ignore them. Carson, can you try not to antagonize him?"
Beckett crossed his arms in a sulky gesture and glared alternately at McKay and Kavanagh.
"Got it!" McKay proclaimed and stepped back from the wall. Several moments passed, and nothing happened.
"Um...Got what? Milk?" Sheppard frowned.
McKay opened his mouth to deliver a withering comeback, but before he could speak, the walls flickered strangely and from above, several multicolored lights snapped on, illuminating the room in bath of bright hues.
"Houston, we have disco." Sheppard announced.
"That wasn't exactly what I expected," McKay frowned and went back to mess of circuits he had been meddling with. "Okay," he said a moment later.
"Okay what? Do we have a mirror ball?" asked Sheppard.
"I can't change the lights back to normal. I tried reversing the pattern I used, but it looks like we're stuck with them. Let's just hope I don't run into any Ancient music. Who knows what they might have listened to."
"You're telling me this is the dance club of the Ancients?"
"It could have been the strip club of the Ancients for all I know, we've never been over this part of the city very thoroughly before."
"Oh, that's just great," Kavanagh muttered.
Sheppard quickly pushed away the images that conjured, and frowned thoughtfully.
"How long before you think you can figure it out?" He wandered to the wall, brushing his free hand across a row of brightly colored crystals.
McKay stared at him incredulously. "Are you kidding? I could be here years before I figure out which one of those is even remotely connected to the doors. I'm shooting in the dark."
"Well, keep shooting." Sheppard poked at another crystal. To his surprise, a small panel in the wall below it slid to the side, revealing a compartment about two square feet in size. "Hmm." said Sheppard, and crouched beside it.
"What have you found?" Teyla inquired. It was the first time she had spoken in a while; she had appeared to be sleeping.
"Ancient moonshine." Sheppard cracked, removing a bottle from the compartment. It was of a luminescent blue glass not like anything he had seen before.
"John..." Weir cautioned. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping either.
Sheppard had what might have been a mischievous smile playing about the corners of his lips.
"So, Rodney," he said, "How long, again, did you say we might be stuck here?"
Sheppard attempted to pull the cork out of the bottle, but soon realized it was not going to come out. The bottle seemed to be sealed with some sort of actual mechanism. He sighed. "Does everything have to be complicated?" He tilted the bottle to one side, and held it up in one of the beams of light. That was when he spotted the brief outline of a hand shape on the neck of the bottle. Aligning his fingers with those on the outline, he wrapped his hand around it. The top of the bottle opened with a hiss. Sheppard grinned. "Anybody dare me?"
Kavanagh muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "Dumbass."
Weir glared at him, then turned back to Sheppard. "Are you sure that's safe?"
"Out of the way, I'm the doctor," Beckett pushed through and took the bottle. Sheppard grabbed it back.
"Get your own bottle." he said, frowning.
"I'm just goin' to test it, then ye drink all ye want!" Beckett pulled it from his grasp. Weir jumped in to head off Sheppard's imminent protest. "John, let him."
Sheppard sighed.
"Fine."
"Well let's see..." Beckett poured a little of the liquid in petri dish and slid it under his microscope. "Good thing I had these with me, eh?"
"I'm not seeing this. Elizabeth, tell me I'm not seeing this."
She smiled. "What are you not seeing, John?"
"Someone testing an alcoholic beverage with a microscope. For Pete's sake, Carson." Sheppard grabbed the bottle from beside Beckett, and downed a good-sized gulp before anyone could make a protest. The others watched, openmouthed in surprise.
"Share!" McKay seized the bottle and took a pull. Sheppard let him have it, and paused for a minute while the liquid went down. Smooth, but it had an afterbite, one might say.
"Wow!" McKay exclaimed. "That's good!" He sank back against the wall and enjoyed the fiery warmth that was burning through his throat.
"Hell yeah." Sheppard agreed, pulling out another bottle.
"There's more?" Weir sat up, interested.
"Six bottles." Sheppard reported. "And that's just in this compartment."
"Wonder if I can open some more?" McKay went back to the panel and showed that yes, he could. In fact, the entire wall seemed to be made up of hidden compartments.
"Nice." Sheppard said, nodding. "Now all we need is music."
His words were almost prophetic. Three more lights blinked on, these bluish and pointing straight down, something like spotlights, while an odd sort of sound began emanating from the walls. It wasn't bad, a bit like five or six synthesizers playing in harmony with a drummer.
"That's...interesting." Sheppard remarked. "Needs words."
An organ-like instrument joined the melody, along with a clarinet and very loud tuba.
Teyla shot up from her reclining position, suddenly very alert. "That is truly terrible."
"I agree. Make it go away, Rodney."
"I'm trying!" he stabbed at the panel frantically. The music turned off, only to be replaced with a haunting, melancholy crooning accompanied by a flute. Beckett grimaced.
"That sounds like my grandfather's funeral dirge."
"Oh, gods, Rodney, make it go away!" Sheppard ordered.
A moment later, the sweet sound of silence filled the room.
"Much better," Weir proclaimed. "So. Since the Ancients' music is obviously somewhat lacking, who can sing?"
Kavanagh smirked, "I led the church choir back home."
"No." said Sheppard. "Absolutely not. Wait, Kavanagh, you went to church?"
He blinked, realizing his mistake. "My great aunt needs an escort, she can't get around much," he muttered.
McKay made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh and took another long drink from his bottle. "Has anybody else noticed that some of these," he waved an arm at the wall in a grandiose gesture, "are different colours?"
"No shit." Sheppard said, taking another sip. "I went to preschool too, you know."
Weir eyed him carefully, "John, are you drunk already?"
"Yeah, he's a real lightweight," Kavanagh snickered and chose a bottle of neon green liquid, tossing back at least a quarter of it with his first swig.
"I am not." Sheppard protested, a little too loudly. Teyla laughed lightly. She had begun drinking something purple right after the "funeral dirge."
McKay looked around.
"We need music. You can't have a party without music, especially one with booze."
"He's right," Weir pointed out, running a finger around the rim of her bottle, which held deceptively innocuous seeming clear substance. "Ideas, anyone?"
Sheppard shrugged.
"Don't look at me. I brought a football game, not my cd collection."
"I have no instruments, or I could provide several melodies that my father taught me," Teyla put in. "Perhaps you, Dr. Beckett?"
"Ooohh no. Not me. I can't sing atall. Rodney?"
"If I had anything, don't you think I would have volunteered it?"
"I've got something," Kavanagh announced smugly.
Sheppard sighed again.
"What do you have?"
"It just so happens that the personal item I chose to bring...was this," he produced an iPod from his pocket. "Sixty gig of pure bliss."
"I think this is the only time I'll ever have to say this to you, but, good job," Weir said. "Rodney, can you make that work with the Ancient systems?"
"Of course I can," he snatched the device and went to work.
"I have a problem with this." Sheppard announced.
"What's that?" McKay asked without turning around.
"Is Kavanagh's music going to be a lot better than the Ancients'?"
"Oh, very funny. Of course it is. I have a wide variety of all kinds of music from around the world. All of it worth listening to."
The wall sparked in front of McKay, and room was suddenly filled with sound, Gregorian chanting to be exact.
Sheppard stared.
"I don't even know what to say to that."
"How about, shut it the hell up?" Beckett put in.
"I'm working on it," McKay said irritably as the sound changed. Radically.
Oops, I did it again,
I played with your heart
Got lost in the game
Oooh baby baby, oops, you think I'm in lo-o-ove
That I'm sent from abo-o-o-ove...
Sheppard checked the clip in his gun, and handed it to Weir.
"I'm committing this to your care." he said. "So you can kill me or him. One or the other."
She gave him a look that was half sympathetic, half irritated and turned to McKay. "Rodney, I'm giving you three seconds."
I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation...
"Ahhh!" McKay viciously smacked the panel.
I say, save a horse, ride a cowboy!
"No, no, no!"
Ground control to Major Tom...
"That is so depressing."
He was a sk8ter boi, she said see ya later boi...
"Oh, save us," Beckett put in. "Rodney!"
Some days are diamonds, some days are stone...
"RODNEY!"
"Okay, okay! How's this?"
Give me one more chance, and you'll be satisfied
Give me two more chances, and you won't be denied
My heart is where its always been...
"Finally!" Weir smiled. "Okay, show of hands. Who doesn't like U2?"
Sheppard sat on his hands.
"U2 it is then," Beckett said happily. "What do we do now?"
"If you're expecting me to dance," said Sheppard, "I'm going to have to be a little bit drunker."
"Dance?" Teyla inquired. "You can...dance...to this sort of music?"
"No," said Sheppard. "But if I'm drunk enough you can convince me that I can."
"I see. May I try some of this...booze?"
Sheppard grinned.
"That's what you're holding."
She looked down, "It does not taste intoxicating. May I try the blue?"
"Knock yourself out," McKay tossed her the first bottle, the one that he and Sheppard had shared half of before they were distracted. "Personally, I like the yellow ones."
"I like it all." Sheppard gave them another big smile. Apparently, the green, which he was holding, had a rather high alcohol content.
"I love this song!" Beckett suddenly exclaimed. "Alllll because of you!"
"So do I!" Sheppard declared, taking another swig.
"We should have a karaoke contest," Kavanagh giggled, peering at his own bright green moonshine.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow dramatically.
"How many of us can sing?" he asked, raising his hand.
Teyla raised a tentative hand, as did Weir. McKay shrugged.
"I'm not terrible."
Beckett shook his head. "I am."
"I can sing," Kavanagh assured them. "At least, I can when I'm sober."
"What about now?"
"I'll manage. I'm sure it'll be better than whatever you can come up with."
"Oh, I think not." Sheppard took another sip out of the bottle.
"Prove it," he challenged as "All Because of You" faded to "Love and Peace Or Else."
McKay inspected the iPod. "But Elizabeth and Teyla won't be able to sing to U2," he pointed out. "If we have a contest, we should figure out some guidelines."
"I agree." Sheppard nodded, actually appearing sober for a moment.
"What kind of guidelines are we talkin' about?" Beckett inquired. "I won't be singin', so I could be the judge."
"You write the rules." Sheppard suggested. "Elizabeth, what do you think?"
"I think..." she paused, sipping thoughtfully. "I think that's a good idea."
"Oh, excellent," Beckett sat back, "Just a moment now."
"C'mon, doc, you've got people waiting for my talents." Sheppard prodded.
"All right, all right. Here we are. One, Rodney will put the music on shuffle. You must sing the first song that comes on when it's your turn, as long as it's of the proper gender. Two, you may not stop drinkin' 'til I've declared a winner. Three, Extra points will be given for creativity and presentation," he looked around, and seeing the confused, half-inebriated faces, sighed, "That means dance. Four, what happens here, stays here. Ev'ry one got that?"
"Absolutely." Sheppard grinned. "Let the drunken brawl begin."
"I say Teyla starts," Kavanagh smirked.
"I second the motion." Sheppard said, waving a hand.
"I third it," Beckett said.
"Why must I begin?" she protested. "I do not know many of your Earth songs."
"Because we took a vote," Rodney said, skipping Tim McGraw's "Indian Outlaw". "How's this sound?"
"Indian Outlaw? Sounds racist. Not to mention male." Sheppard remarked. "Oh, but this.. Yes, definitely. This is good. She knows this. I play it sometimes when we're practicing."
Teyla gave him a murderous glare and drank deeply from her lavender flask before standing. "Begin it again." McKay complied and sat back to watch, smirking infuriatingly.
"How can you see into eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Without a soul,
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home...
McKay carefully placed his hands over his ears, know that an earth-splitting chorus was imminent.
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
"This is one of the worst things I've ever heard," Beckett murmured under his breath.
"Aw, go easy on her. It's not even music from her planet." Sheppard protested, taking another swig.
"True," he admitted, tipping his own bottle back. "But it tis a good thing I'm more'n half drunk."
"I'm about two thirds." Sheppard said.
"My turn!" McKay announced as the final notes trailed off and Teyla returned, somewhat mortified, to sit beside Elizabeth.
"Good job." Sheppard said, sincerely, and offered his hand for a high-five.
She waved a hand unsteadily, missing his and in the process, slapping his face.
He sighed.
"Thank you, Teyla. What are you singing, Rodney?"
"I don't know...what does it say?"
"What does what say?"
"The iPod," he rolled his eyes in obvious disdain.
"It says..." Sheppard focused on the small screen. "Any Day Now."
"Oh good, I love this song," he straightened and lifted his bottle, using it a pseudo-microphone.
Any day now
I will hear you say goodbye, my love
And you'll be on your way
Then my wild, beautiful bird, you will have flown
any day now
I'll be all alone,
oh-oo-oh-oo-who
Swaying sadly to the music, McKay was surprising on key and doing very well. If it had not been one of the most maudlin songs ever made, it would actually have been nice to hear.
Any day now,
When your restless eyes meet someone new
Oh, to my sad surprise
Then the blue shadows will fall
All over town
oo-ooh
Any day now
Love will let me dow-own
oh-oo-oh-oo-woh
I know I shouldn't want to keep you if you don't want to stay
Until you're gone forever, I'll keep holdin' on for dear life
Holding you this way
Beggin' you to stay
Any day now...
Weir sighed and wiped a tear from her face. "This is so sad. How does he do that?"
"It's probably his personal theme song," Kavanagh giggled. Yes, giggled.
"Yeah. He probably listens to it every night when he goes to sleep." Sheppard agreed.
"I think it's sweet." she sniffed. McKay held out the last note mournfully, then threw back the rest of his drink in several large gulps. "Thank you...thank you, very much, ladies and gentlemen." He sank to the floor. "Okay. 'M done. 'Lizbeth. You next."
"Why me?"
"I second the motion." said Sheppard again.
Weir turned to him, "I motion we make John go next."
"I second," Beckett hiccupped.
"Third," McKay waved a lazy hand.
"Oh, damn." Sheppard gulped his drink. "Rodney, you can't third the motion, you already moved that Elizabeth go next."
"I take it back!"
Sheppard gave Weir a pleading glance.
She smiled sweetly. "You're up, John."
He made a face.
"Damn you people." he muttered, and stood up. "Okay, doc, what's my curse?"
McKay climbed clumsily across Teyla and Weir, " 'Scuse me." He took one look at the screen and began laughing hysterically.
"What?" Sheppard demanded. "What?"
The music started abruptly, revealing exactly what McKay had found so hilarious.
Sheppard contemplated two courses of action. His first was to protest that he had never heard the song before and couldn't possibly sing it. He didn't think they'd buy it. The second was to feign a sudden illness. Induced by alien alcohol. Would they fall for that? Unlikely. So he did the only thing he could do. He stepped to the center of the room, and began to dance. If it could be called dancing.
John Sheppard had never actually contemplated a career as a Chippendale's dancer, but one would never be able to tell from the way he was currently gyrating.
"I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me..." he sang, running his hands up his chest and tilting his head to one side.
"And I'm too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts..." He had apparently decided that he was indeed too sexy for his shirt, and at the end of the stanza, pulled apart the snaps of his jacket and flung it to the floor in front of Weir.
"And I'm too sexy for Mylan
Too sexy for Mylan, New York, Japan...
And I'm too sexy for your body
Too sexy for your body
The way I'm disco dancing..."
During the last verses, he had hooked his fingers under the edge of his shirt, and now pulled it over his head as he sang the last two lines. Waving it about on one finger, he flung it to the floor in front of Teyla, who stared at him in shock. Weir appeared riveted, while Beckett, McKay and Kavanagh all looked somewhat revolted. Sheppard launched into the chorus, raising his hands above his head and swinging his hips dramatically.
"I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
And I do my little turn on the catwalk..."
He twisted in a circle, and strutted across the room as if he were modeling underwear in New York, instead of walking through a city on another planet in half of his uniform. He turned around.
"I'm too sexy for my car
Too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat
Whatcha think about that?"
He didn't actually have a hat, but he ran his right hand through his hair while resting his left on his pelvis, and glanced at the others as if the last question had been directed to them. Beckett covered his eyes with both hands, moaning quietly.
"And I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
And I shake my little tush on the catwalk"
Sheppard did indeed shake the indicated part of his anatomy, whilst unfastening the front of his uniform pants.
"And I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
And I shake my little tush on the catwalk" he repeated, kicking off his boots. As the verse ended, he pulled off his pants, and tossed them into the air. They landed in Beckett's general vicinity. He gave a half shrieking, high-pitched cry and scrambled away from them in alarm. After that, silence descended over the group. No one knew quite what to say. Sheppard filled the silence, launching into the last portion of the song, knowing he had to make it the grand finale.
"I'm too sexy for my cat
Too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy, poor pussy cat
And I'm too sexy for my love
Too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me..."
And at that, he slipped out of his boxers. Giving one last wild gyration of his hips, he dropped to the floor, sliding across the surface on his knees until he came to a stop between Teyla and Weir, clad in nothing but his socks.
"And I'm too sexy for this song." he finished.
Kavanagh, McKay and Beckett instantly slapped their hands over their eyes. Teyla and Elizabeth stared. No, not at that. At his face. In complete shock. Elizabeth was the first to speak, somehow not breaking out in laughter.
"Thank you, John, that was quite..."
"You don't have to say it, Elizabeth." Sheppard nodded, and grabbed his bottle. "I know."
"Good thing he does, 'cause the rest of us don't," McKay quipped. "Okay. Who wants to follow up the very disturbing and likely scarring performance of Major John Sheppard? Elizabeth?"
"I think it's her turn." Sheppard nodded, leaning against the wall. He sat down. His socks were slipping on the floor, and he did not want to damage his reputation any further by falling on his very bare posterior.
She considered, drinking deeply from a round pink bottle. When she spoke, there was a slight slur to her voice. "All right. I guess that's fair. Rodney, the music, please. I can't possibly sing to "Keg In the Closet."
"Right," he lurched to his feet and tapped, bleary-eyed, at the iPod. "There you go. Tell me when."
Sheppard gulped another sip of his drink.
"Carson, throw me my pants. I feel...exposed."
"No, I don't think I will," he giggled, now completely drunk.
"Shut up, boys, I'm on floor," Elizabeth got to her feet and struck a pose.
"Waitwaitwait!" McKay exclaimed gleefully. "Use the pole!"
Sheppard crawled over to Teyla, and grabbed his shirt from the floor beside her. He sat down next to her, but had the consideration to drape the shirt across his lap.
"I agree." he said, after getting situated. "Use the pole, Lizzy."
"What pole?" she looked around in confusion.
"The one under the spotlight on the right," crowed McKay. Sheppard clapped his hands together, nudging Teyla with his elbow. She laughed hysterically for several moments, then abruptly fell over, dead drunk.
"Why didn't we see that before?" Beckett asked, pulling a black bottle out of the nearest compartment.
"Maybe we were drunk." Sheppard suggested, downing the rest of his drink, and grabbing a bright red bottle out of the compartment next to him.
"Probably," Elizabeth agreed as she moved under spotlight and wrapped her hands around the pole, eyes on the floor. "Rodney...the music, if you please."
"With pleasure." He pushed the play button with only a little difficulty, then sat back to watch as it began.
Sheppard pulled Teyla up off the floor, opened his bottle, and took a long drink. The speakers screamed out the first bars of "Toxic" and Elizabeth sprang into motion, spinning around the pole as she shrugged out of her jacket, tossing it over her shoulder.
"Baby can't ya see
I'm callin'
A guy like you
Should wear a warnin'
It's dangerous
I'm fallin'
She wound around in a full circle, one hand keeping a grip on the pole while the other ran down her side and caught the hem of her snug t-shirt, letting it ride up teasingly.
"There's no escape
I can't hide
I need a hit
Baby give me it
You're dangerous
I'm lovin' it." She rolled her shoulders and twisted her hips, sending Sheppard a smoldering look along with a wink.
"Too high
Can't come down
Losing my head
Spinning 'round and 'round
Do you feel me now?"
She pulled the shirt over her head and flung it towards her audience,where it landed over Kavanagh's head. Sheppard gave him a look of what could only be described as envy, but his glance soon turned back to the performance playing out in front of him.
"With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic
I'm slipping under
With a taste of poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Dont you know that you're toxic
And I love what you do
Don't you know that you're toxic?"
Elizabeth grabbed the pole above her head and slid down the length of it, using the other hand to flick the buttons on her pants loose one by one.
"It's getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil cup
Slowly
It's taking over me."
She swayed her hips in sync with the music and her pants slid to the ground. Drawing her long legs out, she hooked them with her foot and sent them sailing with remarkable aim to land in Sheppard's lap. He gaped, his eyes seemingly glued on the...
There was the brief noise of the door sliding open, but, understandably, no one heard it.
"Um...Dr. Weir?" Ford said, his gun hanging uselessly at his side as he lost all control of his muscles whatsoever.
"Incredible." said Zelenka from behind him
Sheppard dived for the iPod, and the music ceased with an almost painful abruptness. McKay howled as the jacket that had been covering him fell off and left him bare for all the world to see. Elizabeth collapsed to the floor, motioning frantically at Kavanagh to give her back her shirt as Beckett went into a spasm of uncontrollable giggling.
"Aiden...so good to see ye. We've been waitin' all bloody day."
Sheppard clutched at his shirt, and somehow managed to find his boxers.
"Ford, where the hell have you been?" he demanded, suddenly sober.
"We've been trying to get in here all day, sir," Ford snapped to attention, suddenly professional.
Sheppard admired him for that, considering the general state of the room.
"All right, everyone. Let's...clean this up." he said, trying to take charge.
Teyla rose slowly, "I believe I can help with that. I have not had as much of this...intoxicant...as the others."
"I'm sober." Sheppard said, and meant it.
"I believe you are, Major, although I could not have said so a few moments ago."
Weir had managed to get back into her pants and had zipped her jacket up, having been unable to retrieve her shirt. "I'm sober," she said, a rosy blush staining her cheeks.
"Of course you are." Ford nodded, attempting to keep a respectful mirthless face.
Beckett looked up, "I'm sober too. Seriously."
"Good." said Zelenka. "Something tells me we're going to need a doctor."
"So...as if it weren't a little obvious...what have you guys been doing in here all this time? And what's this?" Ford pulled a faintly puce bottle out and examined it.
"Not that." said Sheppard.
"Is this...moonshine?" his tone was faintly disbelieving.
"Might be." Sheppard said, vaguely.
"You've been drinking it!" Ford's eyes widened as he saw the empty bottles lying about.
"What else were we supposed to do?" Sheppard protested.
"That's not for me to say, sir," he slipped back into professionalism.
"Then please don't try to." Sheppard requested, managing to slip into his boxers whilst facing the wall (and Weir and Teyla, completely 'by accident', of course).
"John," Weir reprimanded. "Please..."
"Sorry." he apologized, grabbing his pants off the floor and pulling them on one leg.
"Just don't do it again. And can we get out of here? I think we've all spent plenty of time in the Ancient's bar."
"I'd have to agree." Sheppard fastened his pants, and grabbed his shirt.
Weir took a long look around. "I'm declaring this section off limits to all personnel without my express permission."
Sheppard muttered something under his breath.
"What was that, Major?"
"Nothing."
"Good. Let's go, people."
Sheppard pulled his jacket on over his shirt, fastened the snaps up the front, and grabbed his gun.
"You heard the woman. Move out!"
Kavanagh bounced to his feet, way too alert for a man who spent the last hour and half drinking nonstop. "Finally. I thought you people were never coming," he griped.
"Shut up, Kavanagh. This was your idea." Sheppard muttered under his breath.
"Was NOT!"
"It was too! We all heard you!"
"I said karaoke contest! Not drunken debauchery and strip teases!"
Sheppard stifled a snort of laughter.
"So, Carson. Who won?"
"Oh. Well, actually, I think I'm goin' t' have t' say Rodney."
"Rodney? What the hell? I floored you people!"
"Rodney won for best voice. You of course got best performance. Among other things."
"What other things?"
"Oh, just...other things."
"I don't want to know." Ford muttered.
"No, you really don't," McKay said. "It wasn't pretty."
"It was a masterpiece of a performance." said Sheppard, deadpan.
Beckett, McKay, and Weir all stared at him for several long moments, then burst out laughing. Teyla looked confused.
"This is...normal...on earth?"
"No." said Sheppard. "But we're not on earth."
"I see."
Weir smiled. "No, you don't. But that's a good thing. Come on, let's get out of here. I'm starving."
"Wonder why." Sheppard muttered.
"What was that, Major?" she said again, the innocently questioning look on her face belying the steel in her voice.
"Nothing." Sheppard said again. "I just thought...you know, it looked like you used a lot of energy up there."
She gave him an appraising look and he had the feeling she was either going to castrate him, or laugh at him.
"What?" he protested. "It did! Rodney, didn't it?"
"Well now that you ask..."
"See?" Sheppard gave Weir a triumphant glance.
She broke into a smile. "Get out of here! Both of you! I don't want to see you again for at least twenty-four hours."
"Yes ma'am." Sheppard gave her a smart salute, and hurried off in the direction of his quarters. McKay looked around forlornly. He had enjoyed this place, for the most part. That bit with Sheppard's striptease, he could have done without that. But on the whole, he had had more fun today that in the entire time he'd been on Atlantis so far. Looking around, he sighed. Oh well. There was always tomorrow...
He hurried after Sheppard.
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Q&D's A/N: We truly hope you enjoyed our little tale. The songs used or mentioned belong to the artists listed below and their respective studios. Not ours. Yadda yadda, and all the rest. We wouldn't WANT some of them any way.
Britney Spears- Oops! I Did It Again
Thin Lizzy-Bad Reputation
Big and Rich- Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy
David Bowie-Space Oddity
Avril Lavigne- Sk8ter Boi
John Denver- Some Days Are Diamonds
U2- Even Better Than the Real Thing
U2- All Because of You
U2-Love and Peace Or Else
Tim McGraw- Indian Outlaw
Evanescence- Bring Me To Life
Ronnie Milsap- Any Day Now
Right Said Fred- I'm Too Sexy
Kenny Chesney- Keg In the Closet
Britney Spears- Toxic