Title: It's okay
Author: BlueJey
Anime: Naruto
Pairing: SasuNaru somehow, but not quite...
Disclaimer: Naruto and all its characters are the property of Kishimoto-san. Means I do not own this and therefore make no money with this. Simple, isn't it?
Author's comment: This is one of my rather old stories. I wrote it more than half a year ago, so it doesn't have any connections to what happens in Shippuuden, because at that time, I didn't even know what Shippuuden is.
If you find any mistakes (and I am sure you will find some, they are there, I can feel them...) please tell me. I'm always working on my English skills, so help me a bit!
Well, I hope you enjoy.
Whenever he'd thought about 'death' or 'dying', the first thing that had come to his mind was pain.
A burning, cutting, piercing, killing kind of pain.
Something that made the moment focused, made it impossible to escape reality. A pain like nothing else one could feel while alive.
But then again, he'd always been good at blocking out pain. Moving on even if his body felt like it was shattered into thousands of pieces.
Whenever he'd been close to 'death' or 'dying', thinking about it had been the last thing he would have done.
When his brother had killed his entire clan, he hadn't thought about dying - he'd thought about living. About staying alive.
When Haku had tried to kill Naruto and he'd saved him, he hadn't thought about dying - he'd thought about Naruto. About keeping him alive.
When he'd fought Itachi, he hadn't thought about dying. He'd thought about living forever, just because Itachi wanted him dead. He'd thought about killing Itachi.
Perhaps that was why he thought he really was going to die this time.
He thought about the pain burning through his body. He thought about 'death' while being to close to it...
"Hey, bastard"
He fought back a smile at the sound of Naruto's voice.
It sounded so much stronger than it had four years ago. It sounded firm, grounded, like the voice of someone who had found his place.
"You're still alive?"
It was a voice that could tell so many feelings at the same time - the pain, the longing, the sadness and yet there still was strength, his warmth and his 'I am here'.
"'course. Not gonna die that fast." Sasuke replied as loud and strong as he could, forcing out nothing more than a whisper, just loud enough for Naruto to hear.
"Good," Naruto smiled. A calm, sad smile that had nothing to do with the smiles and smirks from only minutes ago.
"Would have been terribly disappointed, y'know? If you died before I could tell you what an asshole you are..."
Sasuke would have smiled, but he couldn't. He felt like crying.
"You said that already"
"I said you were an ass and that I would kick your ass, but I didn't say how much of an asshole you are."
"And how much would that be?"
Naruto gave him a soft chuckle, open-hearted and honest. "I don't think my vocabulary's big enough to tell you that. You should ask Sakura... She's become really creative at giving you names. She's got way better ones than 'bastard' and 'asshole', I'd say"
"Hn" He made a sound that would have been something close to a laugh if he'd had the strength. "I like that ones"
"Freak"
They fell silent again. Neither of them spoke, just because there was too much to be said.
Sasuke knew it was that one chance to apologize, to say how sorry he was. Yet he knew Naruto wouldn't let him say things like 'sorry'.
He also knew it was his last chance to thank his best friend, but he was sure Naruto wouldn't want to hear of that, too.
So he just said nothing, silently knowing that Naruto heard every unspoken word he could have said. It was that vioceless understanding that had always been between them.
He didn't know how much time passed by or when Naruto had pulled his head into his lap, running his fingers calmingly over his temples. It was one of those gestures that told a story if one was able to listen.
It spoke of loneliness, of tears, of all the feelings they shared. It spoke of finding a place to call 'home' and of having a dream and a goal to reach for. It spoke of friendship that wasn't bound by time and space, because four years and thousands of miles couldn't separate them. And then it spoke of holding, of waiting, of wishing and hoping and losing.
A gesture that didn't leave distance.
He could rip out Naruto's heart right here and now.
Not with his hands, because he couldn't move or even feel them, but with his words. He wouldn't even have to find words, he would only have to have the intention to hurt. It wouldn't be the words but the power behind them and they both knew it.
They both knew he could kill the blond with a simpe breath. And they both knew he wouldn't do it. Not in a lifetime. Never.
"How's Sakura?" he suddenly asked. It was just a thought he voiced without thinking.
"Oh, she's fine" Naruto made a short pause, sighed. "She's dating Lee now, y'know? I don't think she'll be able to forget you, but she's okay with it. She made it Special Jounin and works at the hospital when there are no missions. And Tsunade wants her to take a Genin team, but she keeps saying she's too young and too inexperienced. I just can't imagine her discussing with a bunch of kids over - let's say the right way to wear a skirt on a mission..."
Sasuke tried to.
Sakura would be a good teacher with all that chakra control of hers. And she was reliable and responsible.
But somehow...
"No," he aswered truthfully, finally managing a smile, "but nothing could be worse than having Kakashi as your teacher."
"Nothing could be worse than having us as your students!" he corrected and Sasuke had to admit he was right. "Guess we really were terrible..."
"But we survived" Sasuke stated weakly.
"Yeah" Naruto's smile had faded.
"How's Kakashi doing?"
"Dating his porn books. Still the same, I'd say. He didn't want me to come on this mission, y'know? Think he didn't want us to meet... We make terrible enemies"
And for the first time in what seemed to be an eternity, Sasuke opened his eyes, looked at Naruto despite the difficulties he had. His vision was blurry, unfocused and too bright, making his head ache.
"We're not enemies," he said, surprised at how firm he managed to make his voice sound, "We never were"
He didn't know why this was so important to him, but somehow, it just was.
Naruto didn't look at him, he kept staring into nowhere, head up and back straight.
Sasuke couldn't see his eyes, partly because everything was just too blurry and partly because he couldn't see Naruto's face in general from his point of view, head still rested in the blond's lap.
"You're right," he said after a while and Sasuke wondered whether there really were tears on his face. He sounded like he was crying. "You're right..."
"Stop crying, moron."
"I'm not crying."
He was.
Sasuke wanted to cry as well, but he couldn't.
"Hey bastard"
"Hn?"
"I-I just..." There definitely were tears in his voice. Somehow, it made Sasuke feel a little happy. "I just want you to know... I mean..."
He stopped again, took a deep breath and Sasuke realized he'd been crying for a while now, just hadn't wanted Sasuke to know.
"I'm not dating anyone. I tried it with a girl two years ago, but it didn't feel right. Nothing'll ever feel right... I won't go out with Hinata, even if Kiba probably tries to kill me if I reject her."
He paused again, searching for words.
Sasuke already knew what he wanted to say.
He could feel tears burn in his own eyes. It had always been there, the knowledge. Yet, it hurt even more now that it had been said out aloud...
"Sakura might have gotten over you, but I won't. I never will. There's no one like you, no one even similar. It's just with you, that feeling of... that tingling underneath the skin."
He'd never been expecting a confession like that. Naruto had never been the one to point out things they both knew. Not when it was something between them. He'd talked about their connection when they'd fought at the Valley of End, he'd called them brothers. But he hadn't chained their relation to words. Words could never fit it.
It wasn't what people called 'love', nor was it only friendship or rivalry.
And yet, it was all at once.
It was special.
"I just wanted you to know"
"I always knew"
"I know"
When Naruto finally looked down on him, face covered in tears and blood and smiling a smile that made the fact that he was crying even clearer than the tears did, Sasuke began to drift away, feeling light-headed from bloodloss and exhaustion.
"It was a good fight," he almost choked out, starting to cough as blood invaded his airways.
Naruto nodded, taking a deep shaky breath. He understood what Sasuke was saying.
His hands that were still caressing Sasuke's temples moved a little and he gently brushed a few strands of black hair out of the way too pale face.
It tickled a bit, too much to not feel it and too less to be bothering. It was just right, like everything else between them.
"I never wanted to kill you," he motioned wordlessly, he was sure his best friend understood even though his voice refused to work.
It was one of those things that didn't need to be said but were nevertheless.
"I never should have left Konoha"
Naruto just nodded again before turning his head away, silent sobs making his body tremble.
It was okay like this, Sasuke knew. From the very beginning, this had always been the only possible ending for their story.
He couldn't have killed Naruto and live on afterwards.
He couldn't have returned to Konoha after everything he had done. He couldn't go home after his bertayal.
Naruto was the only one who could kill him.
He was strong enough to take him down and he was strong enough to live on without him. He'd be okay just like Sakura and Kakashi.
There were still so many people who needed to be saved, people he needed to rescue...
It was okay like this.
He smiled again, closing his eyes, still feeling Naruto with all his senses.
The last thing he wanted to say was "I never hated you" and when Naruto finally let his control burst, breaking down into sobs and tears and the pain of losing what he'd never wanted to lose, Sasuke knew he'd heard his voiceless whisper even though he couldn't move his lips.
It was a thing between them.
It was okay like this.
Naruto would make it okay. Sasuke trusted him.
So it was okay.