Never in a Heart
a Naminé drabble
- Hey everyone, how have you been? I've been fine, except that my throat is infested with phlegm (I guess) and coughing has become an every 15-seconds thing. At first, I came up with an idea for a Naminé drabble collection while talking to my friend (Emerald31 on this site) and she was talking about her fic and what Naminé's role is in it, and it made me feel sorry for her… and I got started on it. But later on, it evolved into just a oneshot fic, since most of the feelings from the different drabbles I had in mind seemed to just… blend into one. I had such a hard time coming up with a title—looked at three Utada Hikaru song translations and tried to get a title from that, but I came up with, "Painting Within Myself". Then I told Zanisha, and she came up with an ever better title—Self Portrait. Then as I got into writing and I discovered that this was going to end up as a oneshot thing instead of a collection, I was really sorry to have had to change the title. You still rock, Zanisha, don't worry. Oh, and please note that the last sentence is from the 24th episode of Honey & Clover. And I'm sorry it has to be short and end in such a crappy way. x--X
-Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories © Square-Enix & Disney
-Masigla
She longed for what she had.
She didn't know how it felt like to be cared for, to know someone was there to hold her when she was scared, or even to be held in someone's arms.
She didn't know if she was jealous or anything, but whatever feeling it was, it led her to replace his true light with that of the desperation of herself. Along with that, she was being forced by her Superiors to do so, and she could do nothing but comply. She didn't know what they had in store for her if she had said no.
She knew she wasn't the one he truly cared for, but for once, she wanted to know how it felt like—even if it wasn't for real.
In the end, it didn't work.
The guilt had overrun her so many times, she had thought so many times that if guilt were a truck, she would be nothing but bloody pulp on the street.
Sometimes she found herself even more miserable than how she started off. All day, and all night, she wondered how he was, what he was doing, if he was thinking of her. If he truly thought his light was her. Each time she thought about him, the guilt hit her more.
I'm not in your heart. I'm not in anyone's heart. I never have been.
And she thought, "I never will be."
She couldn't have been more miserable when she first saw him. All the while before that her images of him were only that of the ones she sketched, but seeing him in person made her want to disappear, to fade.
Later on, she told him, "You can lose your memories of this castle and reclaim your old memories...or keep your memories here and give up the memories that you've lost." She gave him a choice, though deep inside her, she knew he would make the one that would break her.
But stopping to think about that, she didn't know. If he had chosen to keep his new memories, would they be happy? For sure, Naminé thought, they wouldn't be—guilt would decide to overrun her again, and she would probably decide to put back his old memories again, while he was asleep.
She had come to the conclusion: either way, she lost.
"Yeah, me too. When I found you... Even when I remembered your name, I was so, so happy. The way I felt was no lie."
Naminé felt the tears welling up inside her, waiting to break her shaky and wear exterior—wanting to drown her in desperation, guilt… until she was nothing.
She could say not a word, but "Goodbye.".
"No, not No, not goodbye! I'll find you again after I wake up. And we'll be friends for real. Promise me, Naminé."
"You'll only forget." she smiled. She wondered if the sadness showed through the smiling façade that her exterior was showing.
"I won't."
She wanted to slap him—she really did. She wanted to slap him and cry, and tell him how foolish it was, how her true destiny was to be alone, in the cold… with nothing.
With no one.
"Even if you take apart the chain of memories in my heart, the links will stay there. This memory will always be inside me somewhere."
She sighed. She felt the anger, the will to scowl subside as she remembered that she herself had taught him that.
"I guess you're right. Let's promise, then."
He hopped into the memory pod, and looked at her with a doubtful look on his face, as if he weren't sure if he were truly doing the right thing, but her face managed another smile—it wasn't long before the barrier broke down and she would be in tears.
Looking back on herself—Naminé—from a couple of days—maybe weeks—ago as she set up the pod, she realized. She had been through so much…
The future beyond control… the insecurity… the doubts… the feelings beyond reach… and the dream that cannot be realized.