It was another usual day in the Pokemon world. Team Rocket was currently scheming to prepare for trouble. (And make it double.)
Jessie, the unofficial leader of the group, came up with an idea. "Let's make a gas station and disguise ourselves as attendants. When the twerps come for a refill, we douse them with gasoline, set them on fire, and run off with Pikachu!"
Meowth, a Pokemon with an unusual ability to speak English, replied "dat is da most retard thing I eva herd."
James, the third guy, also commented "and how can we afford gas? It's too expensive nowadays!"
Jessie gave her two partners a painful blow to the head. "At least I'M trying to think of something. You two are doing jack shit!"
"I can't think on an empty stomach!" whined James.
The fiery red-headed female was preparing to give the purple haired male a bitch slapping. But suddenly, someone leapt out from a bush!
"GET READY TO GET KIDNAPPED!" the stranger shouted and charged.
"EEEEE!" squealed James. He attempted to flee like a little schoolgirl, but the stranger pushed him to the ground.
Jessie became furious when she saw someone else hurting her bitch. She tackled the person, who in turn dropped a smoke bomb. A haze surrounded Jessie and the stranger, and when it disappeared, both of them were gone.
James and Meowth were awestruck, trying to figure what the hell just happened. Then their brains came to a conclusion… Jessie had been kidnapped! The human and cat stared at each other, only to jump up in the air and give each other a high five.
"WHOO-HOO!" they shouted. "THE BITCH IS FINALLY GONE!"
Then James stopped his celebration. "Oh crap, I forgot she still owes me fifteen dollars! I MUST RESCUE HER!"
And despite the fact he had no freaking clue where Jessie is, James set out on a quest in the name of his love… for money.
"HEY, WHAYDA MINUTE!" Meowth shouted to James "YA FORGOT YER POKEMON! JAMES?! Ah screw dis, I'm gonna get wasted at da strip club." He took James's (and Jessie's) pokeballs and walked away.
-
Somewhere close by, there was a secret shrine filled with secret cultists doing secret rituals. They were Team Pokecult, worshippers of mysterious Pokemon evolutions. The leader, Prophet Crazysonofabitch, was reading his ancient bible. His concentration was interrupted when a disciple of his came in.
"Prophet!" the disciple spoke in excitement. "Our noble warriors have found a sacrifice for the holy ritual."
Crazysonofabitch smiled. "Good. Let us make preparations immediately. In the meantime, let me see the weak female who shall participate in the glorious event."
Armed guards brought Jessie in. Actually, it was more like Jessie dragged the guards in. Jessie was furious, as you could tell from the fires in her eyes. Not actual fires, that would be weird.
Jessie demanded "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" The guards would have restrained her, but they gave trying long, long ago.
The Prophet smirked, still believing he was still in control. "Since you asked kindly I shall tell you. You are to be a sacrifice for our ritual, in which your body will allow my chosen Tentacruel to evolve into the almighty Tentacthulu."
Jessie stared at the prophet with rage, until she finally said "oh, okay then. When is lunch time?"
"Oh, we don't have lunch here."
"WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? GOD DAMNIT I'LL KILL YOU!!!"
-
Meanwhile, James was completely lost. But that didn't him from skipping like a pansy.
"LA LA LA LA! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I AM BUT I'M STILL HAPPYYYYYY!"
Then he skipped right into a sign. Wiping the blood off his nose, James took a look at the sign's words. It read 'Team Pokecult Lair. If your looking for a kidnapped female this is probably the place.' James squealed in success! But then he noticed more words underneath. 'Members and sacrifices only.' Hmm… that gave our hero an idea!
-
A lone cultist guarded the entrance, bored out of his mind. His day a little more interesting when a blue-haired schoolgirl came by, who appeared to be much more manlier than most schoolgirls.
"Why helloooo thar" said the schoolgirl who was obvious James in disguise. "I've heard you've been looking for sacrifices so I said to myself 'COOOOOOL!' So can I, like, come in pretty please?"
The guard was surprised at this girl's request. "Gee, um, I don't know if sacrifices that wish to die willingly is allowed. But you DID say pretty please, so you can pass."
James giggled in delight and ran inside the hideout. Now all that was left was to find Jessie before it was too late!
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" somebody screamed.
"Oh no!" gasped James. "I'll save you Jessie! EEEK! A shadow!" His lack of courage helped him go through the lair faster. In mere minutes of wussy crying and fleeing he arrived at the last room, the ritual chamber!
There tied up was Jessie, with a Tentacruel at her side. They weren't alone, for there were dozen of cultists circled around the two, lying on the floor in agony.
"She was horrible" James heard one cultist sobbed. "She kept punching and kicking. Punching and kicking! Oh god make the pain stop!"
Jessie quickly noticed James, and shouts "James you homosexual! Get me out of here before I get out myself and kick your ass!"
"Don't worry Jessie, I'll save you!" James spoke in a manly way. Then the Tentacruel gave the cross dresser an angry look, in which James flinched backwards.
Then Crazysonofabitch came out of nowhere, not caring that all his followers are all on the floor in pain. "Why hello, little girl with a voice of a man" the Prophet spoke to James. "Have you come to witness the evolution of my Tentacruel? Then watch as I cut out this sacrifice's heart out and feed it to my Pokemon!"
Both members of Team Rocket screamed "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
Prophet Crazysonofabitch took out a knife and raised it right above Jessie's chest. In a desperate attempt of heroism, James ran up to the Prophet and girlishly slapped the knife out of Crazyofabitch's hand. What James didn't expect to happen was the knife lodging itself into the Prophet's throat.
Blood pouring out of his neck, the leader of Team Pokecult gurgled "hallelujah, its raining men" and promptly died.
"Way to go James!" Jessie cheered. "You finally committed your first murder!"
James feebly smiled, his face becoming a sickly green. A millisecond later he spewed all over the Prophet's corpse.
That's when Tentacruel suddenly evolved into Tentacthulu!
"WTF?!" gasped James. "But you were suppose to evolve from eating Jessie's heart!"
Tentacthulu, having the ability to speak English, replied "yeah the Prophet thought so too. Turns out all I needed was the death of a psychopath and the barf of a flamboyant sissy. AND NOW THAT I AM IN MY THIRD AND ULTIMATE FORM, I SHALL DO TERRIBLE THINGS THAT INVOLVE USING MY TENTACLES! AHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Oh hell no, bitch!" Jessie suddenly broke free and charged at Tentacthulu! And to make things stranger, they all were transported into a RPG battle universe!
-
WILD JESSIE ATTACKS!
JESSIE USES KICK THE BALLS! IT WAS NOT VERY EFFECTIVE.
TENTACTHULU USES TENTACLE RAPE! IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE.
JESSIE USES NAME CALLING! TENTACTHULU'S ATTACK WENT DOWN.
TENTACTHULU JUMPS HIGH IN THE AIR.
JESSIE USES MEAT SHIELD! JAMES IS SWITCHED WITH JESSIE.
JAMES IS CONFUSED.
TENTACTHULU USES ULTRA SQUISH! CRITICAL DAMAGE. JAMES HAS FAINTED.
JESSIE USES BITCH SLAP! TENTACTHULU IS PARALYSED!
TENTACTHULU IS PARALYSED! IT CANNOT MOVE.
JESSIE USES HEAVY MACHINE GUN FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! IT HITS 345572347656342656234 TIMES. TENTACTHULU HAS FAINTED.
WILD JESSIE WINS!
-
Back in their original dimension, both Tentacthulu and James were the floor, unconscious.
"Wake up, retard!" Jessie prodded her partner with her machine gun.
Opening his eyes, James cough out some blood and his appendix, then turning to Jessie. "Did I… do good enough job rescuing you?"
"Eh, I thought it sub-par, but at least you managed to get to the same place where I was held captive. Come on, let's go back to Meowth."
Pushing himself up, James asked "wait, aren't we suppose to get romantic and kiss each other right about now?"
The two became silent and stared at each other… only to burst out laughing.
"HAHAHAHA!! KISSING?!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Jessie laughed to tears. "Heeheehee. Oh James, you know just the rights things to make me smile."
And so Jessie and James lived happily ever, in a no relationship way, and not counting the fact they failed to capture Pikachu a billion more times.
And what happened to Meowth and Team Rocket's Pokemon. Pfff, screw them. My laziness took a whole week to finish this goddamn piece of crap, and I don't want to put aside this fanfic longer just for some dumb monsters nobody cares about in a romance fic anyhow. Jeez.
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END