This Script Bites!"
"Jubilation, Don't start!"
"Frost! Moi" Jubilee dramatically motions towards herself. "Gets captured. If that aint bad enough, it's cause I trip on a rock. Cha! rrrighhht!"
"At least you don't constantly complain about your love life ... Oh Jonothon! My beloved! If only we could be together. I long to be caressed in your tender embrace. To be captivated in your enchanting gaze. To hear your soothing voice in my thoughts," Feigning a state of emotional exhaustion, Paige swoons onto a near by log. Dramatically she cries out, "But alas! My unfaltering dedication to one day be leader of the X-Men, and his insurmountable depressive attitude has destroyed our once boundless love!"
"Children you only glanced at the script. I'm sure if you read the whole thing you'll discover it's not that bad. Here." Emma tugs the pages out of Jubilee's hand and begins reading aloud. Upon completion Emma had to agree that it was one of the worst pieces of rubbish Marvel ever thought up:
Emplate babbles endlessly on about his ingenious plan to destroy GenX - They stand there like witless fools the entire time he's talking - Emma inexplicable faints - Paige, who spends most of the battle contemplating her failed relationship with Jono, gets sucker punched by D.O.A. - and Jubilee trips on a rock thus getting captured!
The sound of footprints accompanied by heavy breathing. All turn to
see an omnibus figure looming in the shadows.
"I see you have fallen for my trap you delectable little morsels. Now I shall feast upon your genetic...err--" Numerous cuss words are spat out as the shadowy figure flips though his script. "- marrow!"
The villain advances towards them and into the light.
Jubilee collapses into a giggling heap, Paige gazes at him in shock, and Emma simple smiles.
Before them stood Nathaniel Essex wearing a pair of black shorts. An old tattered purple cloak was draped across his shoulders. His fingers adorned with five inch long press on nails. Over his mouth was one of those cheap paper dust masks. Attached to this was a piece of cardboard tubing which was duct taped to his chest. This faux respirator had been haphazardly painted black. Finally on his head there was a dark blue cap with numerous feathers glued to it.
"Mr. Sinister, What is the meaning of this?" Emma asks. Her grin widening.
"Mr. St. Croix was unable to attend therefor I came in his stead. I would have cloned him, but as you can see," Dr. Essex sighs and motions at his costume. "I was given very short notice."
"Why would you want to help Emplate?"
"It's simple Miss Gunthrie I...you see...um--"
"Blackmail! Kewl! Is it juicy? C'mon, Sinster! What's he got on ya?"
Dr. Essex glares spitefully at Jubilee as he dictates to her with a harsh intimidating tone. "The current agreement I have with Mr. Croix is no concern of yours! Consider yourself lucky that I haven't destroyed you for your insipid remar---"
"Bwa! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
They turn towards the direction of the voice to see a strange man. After a few moments of silence Paige says, "Excuse me, but did you just say Bwa! Ha! Ha! Ha?"
"My diabolical laughter! Wasn't it just terrifying?"
"That is with out a doubt the most pathetic attempt at intimidation I have ever seen! Let me show you how it's done." After taking off the mask, Sinister strikes the cliched dramatic super villain pose and flexes his muscles. He releases an insidious bellowing laughter that echoes throughout the forest. To further enhance the effect he makes his red eyes glow and exposes his gleaming white pointed teeth for all to admire!
"So I made one tiny mistake."
"And you are?" Emma asks.
"You're worst enemy! Look upon me and tremble with fear for I am Mike De' Evil Spammer!" Mike tries to look intimidating by flexing what little muscles he has.
"That is like sooo lame dude!"
"Do you actually expect us to take a guy whose wearing an old stained T-shirt, and a pair of lime green shorts seriously?" Paige asks.
Mike adamantly points at Sinister who, having suddenly become selfconcious of his not so villainous appearance, blushes (at least as much as he is able to) and slinks back into the shadows. Usually by now Dr. Essex would have obliterated the offending peon, but tittering on the brink of passing out from embarrassment momentarily forestalls this.
All cringe with disgust as Mike snorts deeply through his nose and gulps. D' Evil Mike slicks back his greasy hair while grinning triumphantly. Dramatically he bellows "Tremble with Fear! For I am the Harbinger of your Destruction!"
"Your pathetic exploits are neither intimidating nor amusing! What little patients I have left is wearing thin so I suggest you get to the point!" Emma, who is now suffering from one killer of a migraine, goes digging through her purse for that o' so elusive pill case with the aspirins in it.
A twinkle of delight appears in the encrusted eyes of the twisted Mike. The time has come for him to explain his glories plan!
"I have posted messages on Story Boards, Round Robins, and even on mailing lists yet no one response. Why?"
"Cuss everyone knows it's sleazy pyramid scheme that'll rip em off."
Mike whips out an envelope and hurls it towards Jubilee. She hisses in pain as she feels it slashing across her face. Then reaches her hand up to cover the bleeding wound."
"Silence! The reason is everyone is too busy reading fanfic. However! If I destroy all the cannon characters and all the fictives, there will be no one left to write about. Soon the boards will be empty. Then I shall be heard!" Mike tosses his head back and attempts a maniacal laugh which quickly deteriorates into a series of hacking coughs.
"Even if there isn't any fanfiction left, what makes you think people will read your post?"
Cracking a small grin Mike reaches down into his shirt and pulls out a few sheets of paper. He hands them towards Paige. She looks uneasily at them.
"Go on take them! You did ask how I was going to get people to read my post."
"Yes, but those pages are covered with some sort of goo."
"It's just a little pea soup...I think. Maybe it's barrito. Anyway a little left over food never hurt anyone." He offers Paige the script again. She cringes.
"Fine! I'll read it to you!" Mike huffs.
Several agonizing minutes later ...
"That's a script! The first two sentences are about a poor guy in debt. Then a man who just happens to have a name much like yours appears. Mike De' Virtuous Hero tells the poor guy the detailed steps to a money making plan. This consumes the rest of the tale until the last few sentences. Then 'Mike' rides triumphantly off into the sunset, the guy mails the letters, and became rich. The end!"
"I must agree with Miss Lee. No one is going to read that piece of horrid trash! Besides, your plan is doomed to failure. Do you have any idea how many of us there are? There's no way you can wipe all of us out!" From Dr. Essex who had finally emerged from the shadows.
"I shall force you to clone me. Then I will--" Mike pauses momentarily, much to everyone's disgust, to blow his nose on his shirt, "--outnumber you all!"
Mike takes out a sheet of paper and begins to read.
"Yes, only forty dollars. No risk! Must continue list. Must--"
"Hayseed, No!" .
"What?" Paige shakes her head and groans.
"You may be able to resist my influence! but you can't survive an attack by my servants. Behold! Those fools who have succumbed to my power!"
Numerous zombie lackeys to appear. They quickly surround GenerationX and Sinister. That is except for a few who shuffle over to Mike. These lackeys hand envelopes stuffed with cash to him. Greedily Mike takes the loot as he says "Ah! My newest victims come to give me all they have. You have done well. I am pleased! Now help the others to destroy them! Destroy them ALL!"
Paige shoots a confused look towards Mike and asks, "How is Dr. Essex going to clone you if your minions destroy him?"
Mike turns a deep scarlet. "I know that! I was just um...being intimidating. My servants know there suppose to capture him."
The mindless lackeys look at Mike inquisitively. He points towards Dr. Essex and cries, "Bring him to me my thralls!"
"Remember children these poor souls are under Mike's influence. They have no idea what they're being forced to do. There for we must take every precaution not to harm them."
A beam of energy strikes several lackeys reducing them to smoldering piles of goo.
"Nathaniel!" .
"Your shocked? Really now, Emma! I am a villain!"
A battle ensues. A very short one. Mike's defeat had seemed imminent when suddenly all the ladies found themselves tied up and chained to meatel stakes. Their powers negated! Dr. Essex was equally as shocked to abruptly find himself gagged, hog tied, and completely powerless. And as for the mindless lackeys? They simple disappeared!
"What gives?" Jubilee whines. "Just a sec ago we were kickin your gross lame butt!"
Mike opens his fist to reveal a small gleaming spear in his palm. Patches of radiant colors dance and swirl over it's surface as he strokes it. After yet another lame attempt at villainous laughter he speaks, "Unexplained holes in the story and pointless plot twist are mine to control! Tremble with fear for it gives me the power of Marvel's questionable continuity."
Mike seizes Dr. Essex and disappears into the shadows.
Try as they might their best efforts to wiggle free of the restraints had failed miserable. They had all but given up when Paige shouts "I got it! Lee, can you move your legs closer towards me?"
Jubilee was able to take only a few hops before she felt a tug at her mid section and was brought to the ground. She glances down at the chain around her waist which bound her to a stake. After stretching out, Jubilee extends her legs towards Paige. Taking the ropes in her mouth, Paige gnaws and pulls on them. Only a few minutes pass before the knots are untied.
"I'm going to turn around. See if you can free my hands."
Jubilee kicks off her shoes and stretches her feet as far as she can and begins tugging on the ropes. After several minutes Paige snaps, "Are you about finished!"
"My little piddies can only work so fast!"
"Can your little piddies at least stop gouging me!"
At last the ropes are loose enough to allow Paige to yank her hands free. Working swiftly she frees Emma and Jubilee.
"Great idea, Paige! Now let's clobber Mike! He even left us a trail!" Jubilee points to the gooey patches on the ground left behind where ever Mike had stepped. Out of curiosity she bends down to examine the goo and notices a peculiar smell emanating from the patches. "Eww! It's Toe Jam!" Jubilee gags as she quickly steps away.
Meanwhile Dr. Essex was suffering at the hands of the twisted Mike. He had planned on mesmerize Sinister by using one of his enchanted schemes, but centuries of existence had made Dr. Essex immune to such trickery.
"It appears I will have to take a more drastic approach." Mike vanishes into a back room and soon returns with a bag of garlic. He leans against Sinister and chomps into a large clove.
"That's is absolutely repugnant! Why don't you just use that spear of yours?"
The large amount of garlic still in Mike's mouth sputters out as he says. "The spear does have it's restrictions. For one I can't use it to bend people to my will. It doesn't work on more then eight characters at a time. Even then the effect only last about half an hour. Coarse I could have simple used it to teleport you into my lair. But then I no one would have witnessed my awesome powers!"
Paige, Jubilee, and Emma follow the putrid trail as it snakes through the forest. Suddenly the chains around their waists and the stakes vanish. A smile appears on Emma's face. "Jubilee are your powers working?"
Jubilee fires off a few paffs.
"Looks like the effects of the spear wore o--"
A startled gasp escapes from Paige as she sees the blade coming towards her. She feels it barely scrape the top of her head as she drops flat.
"Way to go Hayseed! Ya found the hideout!"
Shedding her skin, Paige reveals a shimmering metallic form. She charges forward. As each trap activates it hits her and bounces off. Except for the spike swinging log which knocks her back several feet. Of coarse Jubilee couldn't help giggling. Paige glares back at her. She continues until she reaches the main entrance.
Emma and Jubilee cautiously follow in Paige's footprints. Upon reaching the door, Jubilee fires off a colorful stream of fireworks towards it. They crackle and explode upon impact.
"I didn't even dent it!" She kicks the door a few times. Still it didn't budge.
Paige runs back into the yard, shrugs off the few traps she manages to trigger, then charges hard towards the door. She feels herself slam against the door and slide down it. A loud creak is heard. Paige looks up to see the door swing open.
"I did it!"
"Not exactly, Miss Gunthrie. I simple discovered a more tactful way to open it." Emma holds out the fake rock with the false bottom and an old rusty key.
Mike leaps back in shock at seeing the three ladies before him. "How did you get through my impenetrable door?" He cries.
"Duh!" Jubilee tosses the key onto the floor in front of him.
Mike curses silently to himself. How could he have forgotten about the extra key!
"K' we found ya so like let him go or we'll you know what ever."
Mike responds with, "That's not very heroic! Your suppose to be dramatic!"
"Aw do we have to? I mean were rescuing Mr. Sinister here! It feels so total weird."
"I'm sorry, Jubilee. But we really should do this correctly. The two of you go out and make your entrances. I'll stay here and keep an eye on things."
Jubilee and Paige quickly exit the rooms.
Moments later Paige busts through the wall! Sshe takes up a fighting stance, her fist clench, her teeth grind, and her eyes are ablaze with hate for the villainous Mike.
Jubilee immediately follows with a gratuitous display of fireworks.
Lastly a billowing mist engulfs Emma. She emerges from it adorned in a revealing white leathery outfit.
"Your days of evil are through! I demand that you release this innoce--" Emma pauses as she looks over at Mr. Sinister. He displays a twisted sharp tooth grin and winks playfully at her, "Err...Release this unscrupulous evil genius!"
"Never! Fools have you forgotten that I have the spear! The last time we did battle I was merely toying with you! This time you will be no escaping the wraith of Mike De Evil Spammer! Behold! The awesome power that will be the source of the end of your pathetic existan---"
"Excuse me! Sorry to interrupting, but I've been thinking over your offer. The one you where telling us about in your script. I must admit I am very interested."
The wicked Mikes eyes light up, and he foams from the mouth at the sight of the five one hundred dollar bills Dr. Essex is holding. So transfixed on the money is Mike, that he does not notice Paige sneaking up behind him. Suddenly! Mike feels the spear being ripped from his grasp! He reaches for the spear, but before he can get it back Paige tosses it to Jubilee.
Mike shoves Paige aside and charging towards Jubilee screams "Give me that!"
A large whirling vortex appears behind Mike. All watch as it sucks the screaming pathetic villain down into it's dark abyss. Just before the vortex closes, Jubilee uses the spear to create a small piece of paper and tosses it through.
"Where did you send him?" From Emma who was trying to untie Dr. Essex.
"To a Round Robin!"
"He's already killed about half the boards with his spam. How could you send him to one! Haven't they suffered enough?"
"Chill Paige! I sent him to one as a character. I figure as much damage as he's done, to the boards, the RR writers would love to get a hold of him. To bad the effects are only temporary."
"The spear didn't create the RRs merely the portal that sent him there. So there's a very good possibility that even after it's powers wear off Mike could still remained trapped. Now if you don't mind letting me have a turn." Just as Paige was about to grasp the spear, it vanished!
Paige gasps, "What the?"
"Jubilee what happened to the spear?"
"Yeah well it was like way to dangerous to keep around so I banished it! "
"Where?" Came the reply from everyone else. Jubilee grins impishly at them. Then saunter out of the room.
Mike finds himself in a RR looking up at an author who instantly recognized him.
"You! Your the scum who's been ruining the boards. Someone's turned you into a fictive this is to good to be true!" Said the very delighted author.
"You can't use me! Look what I scratched into the post!" Mike smirks as he triumphantly points to his little message. Mike Mine! Don't use!
Upon seeing this a deep mournful frown forms on the face of the author.
"That's right I'm not a free character! You know the rules. Before you can use me you have to have permission! So why don't you, your muse, and your pathetic fictives get lost!"
Suddenly the slip of paper Jubilee had thrown into the vortex began to glow. It lands on the message Mike had scratched into the post and replaced it with Where done with Mike so...Here ya go! He's free for anyone who wants to use him. Have fun:)
The author squeals with delight and feverishly begins typing.
Mikes agonizing screams echo through out fandom!