Title of Fanfic "The Panther"

Penname Moonkitty Liafle

Email address lunarswan@yahoo.com

Which categories your fic is competing in: Best AU/ Best Drama/ Best Series

Any Warnings: Rated "R" for mature themes, sexual violence; abuse

A/N: Thank you Miaka Mouse for your excellent beta-reading and constant encouragement. You were spectacular!!! A special thank you to other helpersLauren, kmfthe list goes on =^.^= This kitty is really grateful. To all my readers: thank you for taking the time to read this fic!!!

THE PANTHER

Part I. Exploration of the Cage

When I was in the eighth grade, I stopped talking. I don't know why I did, but it became a game for me. I would refuse to talk to people, and when no one was around, I would crouch down on my knees and whisper to the floor. I had secret conversations with the floorboards and the mice I imagined living underneath. My parents would offer me rewards for talking, make threats, shake me, speak to me, try everything they could get me to say something--anything.

I refused.

I can't remember why.

When I hit freshman year, I started talking again, and by then I had bottled up so many things, that I had quite a bit to say. Within a year, I was popular. Of course I was. I mean, I had everything, right? Why, I had so much, I didn't know what to do with it all. I was in so many clubs, so many honors classes, so many extracurricular activities--I was guaranteed to go to any college I wanted to, guaranteed any boy I wanted, and guaranteed acceptance anywhere I went.

Everybody forgot I hadn't spoken for a whole year, mainly because I was talking so much at the time, it was impossible to imagine me silent.

But all of that changed one day during my junior year of high school.

I had been running to my car from cheerleading practice when I stopped at the library to pick up a book to read.While browsing through the poetry section, I heard a rustling sound in the row just ahead of me. I thought the library was empty, so I decided to investigate. Had a bird flown in?

I wasn't expecting it to be a person, much less a boy. I recognized him instantly of course--he was in most of my classes. I was staring at Heero Yuy, the only boy with a G.P.A. higher than mine, and my rival since freshman year for valedictorian.

And he was staring back.

I had never noticed how blue his eyes were before, or how cold.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know--" I started, feeling stupid.

"Of course you didn't." His reply was very final. He got up to leave.

"What were you doing in the library this late?" I asked, attempting a smile.

He turned his empty gaze back to me. There was a slight pause, "Nothing."

"Did you do the paper for Earlwitz yet?"

He nodded, his eyes wandering back out to the window. I felt horrible.

"Well, I'm sorry to disturb you, Heero, I had better-"

"Yes."

I nodded again, mentally kicking myself. What the heck was I doing?

I left with what was left of my dignity, and in my rush, completely forgot to pick out a book.

I was definitely feeling pretty stupid.

The next day at school, Heero didn't even look at me. I thought that was odd, but I paid it no heed. It was better for both of us if the "Library Incident" was not mentioned again. But something in me stubbornly wanted there to be more. For the first time in my high school career, I had spoken to the elusive Heero Yuy.

In freshman year, all of the girls had had crushes on the dark and handsome Heero. They figured he was shy or nervous around girls, and they were somehow attracted to that. Within a month, they had realized that he regarded everyone with the same distance.

Since then, Heero Yuy had lost all interest from the opposite sex and even from the those of the same sex. Occasionally, Duo Maxwell would talk to him, but everyone knew that Duo would talk to anyone, especially those who didn't talk back.

I sat diagonal to Heero in Chem, so I spent the majority of that class sneaking glances at him. Never once in the whole class period did he ever turn his attention from the teacher. He took careful notes, did the assigned problems- everything the way he was supposed to.

He never looked at or talked to anyone else. His concentration frightened me.

By the time the bell had rung, I'd given up. There was nothing to Heero Yuy. He was a workaholic, nothing more, nothing less. I was looking for something that wasn't there.

I couldn't understand myself. Perhaps there are times when girls occasionally get attracted to introverts, and that was just it--my silly body confusing me. I shrugged it off and took the stairs down to my next class, resolute to think non-Heero thoughts for the rest of the day.

Unfortunately, Fate managed to grant my wish in the worst way imaginable.

I was passing a staircase when an arm reached out and grabbed me, pulling me into the dark.

Okay, yes, I admit it. I am claustrophobic; sometimes just extreme light changes set it off. I tried to scream, but a hand was over my mouth. I felt the owner of the arm pull me up against him. His breath tickled in my ear as he whispered, "Promise not to scream?"

I nodded blindly.

The hand was removed from my mouth and the grip loosened. I pulled back, recognizing my would-be assailant by the light that filtered through the gaps between the stairs--

Davey!

My fear remained, "Davey."

"Relena," he replied, mimicking my cold tone, "Shit, I thought you'd be glad to see me."

The hand on my wrist tightened. I smiled weakly.

"I am glad to see you, Davey. I was just surprised, that's all."

The hand loosened again.

"Oh, I see. I was just wondering--are we still on for Winter Ball? I mean--"

He was giving me The Look. His sandy hair was falling into his eyes, which were in turn peering at me innocently. It was the look that got him anything he ever wanted. I sighed.

"Yes, we're on for Winter Ball."

He hugged me. The bell rang. I disentangled myself from the embrace, "I'm tardy," I stated blandly.

"Yes, we are, let's go," he said as if it were his idea, looping his arm around my waist.

I accepted it. I always do.

By the time I got to class, the warm up was already on the board. I sat down quickly and got to work. Heero Yuy sat in front of me. I didn't even spare him a glance. After we turned in our assignments, my friends began talking about their dresses for Winter Ball. I didn't join in. I wasn't looking forward to it anymore.

The ringing of the final bell was like a release from torment. I bolted for the door before I could be restrained for after-school gossip. Practice started in an hour, so I decided to haunt the library again. I don't know why.

I hurried in and collapsed into the corner to do my homework, an eye on the clock. Being late to practice meant ten laps around the gym- not a favorite past time of mine. After about twenty minutes with my Chemistry, I decided to let it sit and figure itself out. I rested my chin on my hand and let my mind wander. Chemistry made me think of Heero, which made me think about the library, which made me remember that I was sitting next to the section he had been in.

I couldn't help myself. I wondered what the great Heero Yuy could want from a library that he didn't already know. I tried to tell myself to stop thinking about it, to stop being nosy, but it didn't work.

I walked back to the section Heero had been in and looked around.

It was the poetry section.

What business did stoic Heero Yuy have with books about abstract thinking?

I looked around. The library was empty, spare a few kids playing computer games on some old PCs. The librarian was in the back room.

I went to the library desk and brought up the check-out program. I glanced around one more time before I typed in Heero's name for his library record. Up came a list of many books, all under the genre of poetry. There was one book that he had checked out repeatedly: The Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke. I was intrigued, so I quit the program and rushed to the poetry section, searching for the slim novel. Luck was with me.

By the time I had checked it out, I was late to cheerleading practice.

It would be two days before I had the chance to browse through the book, and by then it was Friday night. I don't know why I had checked it out or why I was interested. The pages were aged from years of many readings, and the spine had been taped back together with what I could only call mathematical precision. I was surprised to find a page dog-eared. I flipped to it.

The Panther*

His vision, from the constantly passing bars,

has grown so weary that it cannot hold

anything else. It seems to him there are

a thousand bars, and behind the bars, no world.

As he paces in cramped circles, over and over,

the movement of his powerful soft strides

is like a ritual dance around a center

in which a mighty will stands paralyzed.

Only at times, the curtain of the pupils

lift, quietly. An image enters in,

rushes down through the tense, arrested muscles,

plunges into the heart and is gone.

I was shocked. Did Heero Yuy mark this page, or a previous reader? It touched me deeply, and I couldn't explain why. My mind felt blank. I switched off the light and lay down.

I had nightmares that night.

Saturday morning, I woke to a note on the table. My parents had gone away for the weekend. Two twenty-dollar bills lay on the counter next to the hurried note and I sat down slowly on the stool, putting my head on my arms. With a shake of my head, I got up and went to the fridge for breakfast. I turned on the Saturday morning cartoons and rolled over to get some more sleep.

When I woke up again, it was one, and my stomach was rumbling. Daisy was barking outside, so I got up, went to my room to get dressed, and then walked into the backyard. Daisy was a black lab who hated my guts by tradition. She did, however, really want to go for a walk, so she permitted me to attach the leash with only muted grumbles of complaint. I had tucked one of the twenties in my pocket, and together we walked to the sleepy shopping center four blocks away.

I went to the supermarket and picked up a sandwich. When I walked out, Daisy was growling with envy. I gave her the meat of my sandwich and gobbled up the rest as we walked back.

With my role finished, Daisy reverted to her usual hatred of me and did her best to make my getting the leash off of her as difficult as possible. Eventually freed, she ran into the backyard, searching for any sign of an intruder. I snorted and walked back into the house through the back.

I pulled out the stubborn Chemistry homework again, but my mind had started to wander, so I went to check the messages on the answering machine. Three messages. Hesitantly, I pressed the button.

"Hi, Relena, this is Chloe, we were all wondering if you wanted to come with us to that party at Joe's tonight--it's going to be a blast and I--"

I pressed the forward button.

"Hello, resident, this is Wallace's Window Washing--"

The forward button was pressed again.

"Hey, Relena, this is Davey," the machine repeated dutifully, "I was wondering if maybe we could do something tonight. You know, Kate's mom told Kate that your parents are away this weekend, and I thought we could go see a movie or something. Well, call me when you get back!"

I sat down and closed my eyes. Say 'no,' say 'no,' say 'no'.

The phone rang. I picked it up, "Hello?"

"Relena, it's Davey about tonight. You coming?"

Say 'no,' say 'no,' "Yes."

"Pick you up at eight then?"

"Sure."

I hung up the phone and deleted all three messages. I then went to the dining room table and worked on my other homework. Daisy was barking at the tree in the yard. The forgotten TV still blared in the den. I didn't care.

By the time eight o'clock had come around, I was seriously considering feigning sickness, but I knew that Davey wouldn't fall for it, or worse: he'd try to stay and take care of me.

The doorbell rang, and I stooped by the hall mirror to check my hair before answering the door. Why are you doing this? I asked my reflection.

My blank green eyes held no answer.

I sucked in a breath and opened the door. Davey was there, smiling and bearing a single red rose, "Man, you look nice."

I smiled and took the rose, even though it seemed a little bruised from handling by inexperienced hands, "Thanks. What movie are we seeing?"

"I don't know. I figured we'd find out when we get there."

We were soon in his car and driving to the theater. He put the radio on to some band I'd never heard of and we talked about parties, football games, and other school stuff.

Davey was the varsity quarterback on the school football team. I was the envy of all the girls at school for being his girlfriend; at least that's what I liked to tell myself.

When we got to the theater, Davey put his arm around me and bought us two tickets to some B- romantic movie. I was slightly resentful of this because he wouldn't let me pay for my own ticket. When we moved in, I eyed the snack bar.

"I'm going to go get some popcorn, okay?" I said, twisting out of his arm.

"No, I'll get it," he said, grinning.

"But I have money--"

He clasped my hand, "I said I'd get it, okay? I want everyone to know you're my girl."

I sighed and nodded. We went to the snack bar together.

Davey complained about being gypped at the snack bar, so by the time we got to the movie, the previews had already rolled and we were ushered into the back row. As soon as we sat down, he had his arm around me, and was tracing his fingers up and down my neck. The attention was unwelcome, but I tolerated it anyway. I turned my eyes up to his, which were shadowed in the darkness of the theater. He loves me. He touches me and takes care of me because he loves me.

The movie dragged on its heels for ages and completely died about half way through. I thought it was a horrible waste of money, but Davey didn't seem to mind. After an hour of touching my neck, he pulled me forward and began kissing me.

I tolerated it.

He began pulling me closer, but I tried to keep my distance. We struggled slightly, our lips still linked in a kiss, and eventually I broke free, "Not now, okay, Davey?" I whispered.

He looked furious, but he pulled away just the same, crossing his arms and not even touching me.

I looked up at the movie. The lead girl was crying about something, and the lead man was promising to protect her. The girl smiled at him lovingly and told him how strong he was. I snorted and rolled my eyes.

The car ride was silent. I felt a need to explain the behavior that was so obviously unacceptable to him.

"Davey--" I started, but we were already there. He opened his door, slammed it, and then opened my door. I minute I got out, he was crushing his lips against mine, pulling me closer--

I broke it off again, feeling horrible. He looked confused.

"I'm sorry, Davey, I just don't feel well today."

He laced his fingers in mine and sighed, "You know, I'm a very tolerating boyfriend."

"You are, Davey, I just don't want to get you sick."

He ran his hands through my hair longingly, "Next time I won't be so forgiving, you know."

I smiled at him, "I know."

He got into his car and drove off. I headed home, relieved.

I went back into my room and collapsed into my bed. I looked up at the ceiling until I got sick of it and turned to my side. My eyes fell to the open poetry book still at my bedside. The panther pacing a cagethe only world it ever knew.

Within minutes, I was asleep, my unwashed makeup leaving smudges on the pillowcase.