Disclaimer: Kefka is not my character, he is Square Enix's. Any and all resemblances in real life to characters in this story are very, very unfortunate.

So, you want to be a chick magnet, eh? Well, who would be a better person to ask than I, the great Kefka? I am an expert at getting women to flock to me. I use certain techniques, tricks, plans to make it work. Below are six steps I went through to get fangirls.

1. DEVELOP A MENTAL ILLNESS.

Trust me, chicks love this. They think it's romantic for a man to cackle insanely while killing off an entire village. Going mad is relatively easy, especially when done simultaneously with #2.

2. GET A TRAGIC PAST.

Another thing the ladies go positively ape for. They love it when a villain is killing for his dead sister to avenge her death, or angsting about how their lives have been SCREWED OVER BY THE PEOPLE THEY TRUSTED AND GOING COMPLETELY BATSHIT CRAZY ON THEIR ASSES WHILE THEIR ANNOYING THEMESONG IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND!!…ahem. Anyway, while SOME villains require a tragic past (like a CERTAIN SILVER-HAIRED ONE-WINGED ANGST-HAPPY EMO who I hate hate HAAAAAAAATE!), you don't always need one. However, getting a tragic past is an excellent way to go mad. I remember one fateful morning many years ago while I was looking in the supermarket for a rotten Moogle's egg (don't ask), when a little runt had the nerve to walk up from behind and poke my butt with a stick! Needless to say, I was traumatized (because this was back in the day when I WASN'T a homicidal maniac) about my body being violated that way; I was changed forever. Consumed with rage, I blew his little head off with a shotgun that just HAPPENED to be sitting by my hip…and I've gone completely offtopic, haven't I?

3. GET A CATCHY THEMESONG.

Take it from someone who knows: this is essential. Not only for getting girls, but for being remembered in general. Depending on your personality, said themesong can be anything from dark and dramatic (One-Winged Angel—HAAAAAAATE!) to light and cheerful, but with deliciously dark undertones, like myself. If your theme is an example of the former, then stop reading this guide RIGHT NOW, before I track you down and skin you, enslave your wife, and stare luridly at your daughter. However, if your themesong is anything like mine, then please, read on!

4. DRESS IN A VERY DISTURBING, YET ELEGANT MANNER.

I find this step completely necessary if you ever want a cult following like mine. I mean, COME ON, let's be serious with ourselves for a moment, shall we? Do you REALLY think I'd be where (or who) I am today if I dressed in the average shmoe's clothing instead of my excellent wardrobe and jester's face makeup? I think not. To be a homicidal maniac, one must look the part, after all…

5. DO SOMETHING UTTERLY AND TOTALLY CRAZY.

Now when I say crazy, I don't mean doing something that only a child or TEENAGER would consider crazy, such as TP-ing the headmaster's house. No. What I mean by crazy is ONLY SOMEONE WHO'S COMPLETELY OFF THEIR ROCKER WOULD CONSIDER DOING. (Like me.) Enslaving the world is a perfect example. Well, actually, it depends on your motives. If you're enslaving/destroying the world for a reason like revenge or something like that, then that's not something I'd normally do. I enslave/destroy worlds for a completely DIFFERENT reason.

I did it for a laugh.

When I took over the world and killed a ton of people, I didn't have a dead father or dog to avenge. I WAS BORED.

When you do something terrible for a specific reason, then the women might find that a LITTLE romantic. But you do it for NO reason…well, we all know how crazy THAT makes you look, doesn't it?

If for some reason, you can't capture OR destroy the planet, then work on a smaller scale; poison the king of a large city who has many heirs to his name and watch them destroy eachother for that seat on the throne, laughing all the while. Heck with it, poison an entire VILLAGE just for kicks.

It's what I did. And look at me now.

…

…

…

(…In your FACE, ONE-WINGED BYOTCH!)

Last, but not least on this list, is something that I have done, and that YOU should do if you ever want to be as popular and revered as I am among my lady followers:

6. KIDNAP A FEMALE PROTAGONIST AND LOCK HER IN A FILTHY PRISON CELL WITH SHACKLES ON HER WRISTS AND TORTURE HER MENTALLY. (MAKING HER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IS OPTIONAL, BUT RECOMMENDED.)

For some reason, most of my (thirteen to sixteen year old) female followers find this romantic and enjoy writing stories with them as said protagonist. (I can see why. My dashing good looks have that effect on everyone.) Making her cry is definitely a plus, as it not only enhances your reputation for cruelty, but makes the main (usually male) protagonist go absolutely crazy with rage and makes him work harder than ever trying to get to you so he can TRY to finish you off. Depending on how evil and skilled you are, the scheme can work out two ways; 1. You laugh in the hero's face and crush him like a bug, therefore adding onto your villain status, or 2. You die brutally at the hero's feet. If you're anything like me, you'll probably go down the first path. In this case, I say good luck to you, and hope I'll have the honor of facing you someday and finishing you off. If you're the latter…then, the world needs one less cheap amateur, anyway.

Kefka.