I saw something somewhere about an AU fic where Nick and Jess have never met, and meet for the first time on New Year's. I really wanted to write it, but my fingers just said ah hell no and took me down this strange, sexy route I wasn't planning on at ALL. But I like how it turned out. This is my first M fic, so I hope you guys like it!
Thank you Ztofan! You're the best :D
Alone
"ALONE. YES, THAT'S THE KEY WORD, THE MOST AWFUL WORD IN THE ENGLISH TONGUE. MURDER DOESN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO IT AND HELL IS ONLY A POOR SYNONYM."
The quote was Stephen King, she was sure. She had read Salem's Lot about a year ago, nestled in the corner of her window seat, bare feet tucked under a soft blanket. She could remember the way the sunlight slanted across the pages, dust rising from the paper into beams of golden light as she turned each page carefully, savoring every word. She hadn't been alone then. She'd been happy.
Maybe that wasn't strictly true, maybe she had only thought she was happy. Love made people blind after all, and she loved Spencer the way she loved most things – unwaveringly, passionately, unquestioningly. Naively.
Now she was alone. Years and years of throwing herself into a doomed relationship had left her exhausted, and all she wanted was a sign that it was all worth it, because to her, in this moment, as she watched people around her start the countdown to New Year, it wasn't. Nothing was worth the disappointment of watching the life she had built for herself crumble around her.
So here she was in a bar, waiting for Cece to get another round of drinks, trying to forget that her life was pretty messed up right now. She wasn't depressed about it, or even angry, she was just…sad. A little empty. What a waste of time falling in love could be. She shook the ice around in her glass as people counted down the last few seconds. What was the point of celebrating New Year's again? She couldn't remember. Raising her tumbler and draining the last of whatever strong alcohol Cece had given her, she thought back to what she and Spencer used to do on New Year's Eve. She couldn't remember, so it couldn't have been that interesting.
Glancing around her, she noted that everyone seemed pretty drunk and rosy with the promise that this year was going to be better. They were going to be thinner, richer, better versions of themselves. Because isn't that what people tell themselves at this time of year, after one too many glasses of pink wine? 2014 will be different. I'm going to start making changes. I have resolutions. Jess's resolution this year was to figure out what the hell she was doing with her goddamn life.
Sighing through her nose as the room exploded with noise, people hugging and kissing and clinking their glasses, Jess turned and cast her eyes behind her, to the back of the room. She was looking for an empty space there, to rest her head and close her eyes and pretend it was because of the alcohol and not the ache in her chest as couples pushed in on her from all sides. A couple of good-looking guys had given her what she assumed was 'the look' these days, but she had no interest in their games. She didn't want to feign attraction for a quick fumble in the dark with someone who she knew wouldn't satisfy her. She wanted something real, something she had never even felt with Spencer, and she wasn't going to find it in this dingy bar. The stench of desperation in the air was tangible – how silly of these people to assume giving themselves to a stranger on the first night of the start of their journey to self-improvement was going to make it easier, or seem within reach. They were going to wake up tomorrow with sore heads, bruised egos and unfulfilled hearts. Jess knew that better than anyone.
Instead of finding a place to escape to, she found a person. He was leaning up against the wall, whiskey in hand, eyebrows furrowed as he observed people around him with an expression on his face that read what a bunch of fucking morons. Once she noticed him, he was all she could see. The room blurred around him as she stared. He was her. Sad, lonely, a tiny bit bitter. She was looking at herself.
Turning the edges of his mouth downwards in a deep frown, he took another swig of his drink, tearing his eyes away from the group dancing and celebrating near him. Jess made no effort to look away when his eyes met hers. The alcohol had made its way deep into her veins, numbing her inhibitions and turning her into someone else. Tonight, she wasn't Jessica Day, and that was fine with her.
He slowly lowered the glass from his mouth, drawing his bottom lip under his tongue as he licked the remnants of whiskey from it. Her own lips parted a little, and to her surprise she found herself breathing ever so slightly harder. Whoever this stranger was, he wasn't like the others. He didn't make her feel the way those other men had. He made her feel constricted, a deep burning sensation spreading outwards from her stomach that she soon identified as lust. He still had his eyes on her, like he was trying to figure her out. Feeling an overwhelming sense of boldness take over her entire body, she flicked her own tongue over her lips, her eyes never leaving his. There was no doubt in the way she did it. It was a come over here and fuck me type of lick. Jessica Day would have been appalled. Whoever she was tonight wasn't.
The man pushed away from the wall, making his way over to her. Excitement sparked deep within her, and she realized this was the most she had let herself feel since the day Spencer had cheated. She felt alive. She wasn't like those other women in the bar. She didn't want to waste her night with something average and disappointing. She wanted someone to make her forget herself in the heat of their embrace, and if the fire ignited between their gazes was anything to go on, the man approaching her could be exactly what she needed.
As he drew closer, she could make out the thin shadow of stubble around his mouth, the color of his eyes, the worn material of his flannel shirt. Not her type at all, and yet…so unbelievably sexy to her in that moment. The way he seemed to be drinking her in made her feel wanted, and not in the cheap way she had been feeling every time someone else looked at her. His gaze was penetrating, like he could see exactly how broken she was and wanted to fix her. Well, she wanted to be fixed. She wanted to be fixed all night, multiple times.
He stopped in front of her, placing his glass on the table next to them. In any other situation this would have felt wrong to her, slutty even, to give herself away so easily. In this instant she regretted nothing. They were both lonely and heartbroken, looking for a distraction even if it was only for one night. They had just so happened to end up in the same bar, at the same time, and Jess was damn sure not gonna let the opportunity pass her by. She looked at his mouth again, wanting it everywhere so much that it shocked her and made her inhale sharply, her chest heaving under her low cut dress. He noticed, the tips of his fingers twitching. Jess felt an air of satisfaction when she saw he was practically aching to touch her.
The tension between them was disorienting.
"I'm Nick," he eventually said, holding out his hand to shake. Jess wanted to laugh at his effort to remain a gentleman even though it was painfully obvious he wanted to push her up against the wall and do unspeakable things to her. She shook the offered hand.
"I'm Jess. I don't want to talk, Nick."
"I don't want to talk either."
They came together, two lonely hearts wanting so desperately to feel something on New Year's Eve, Jess breathing him in as his mouth met hers and they clutched at each other, the tang of alcohol in the air between them. Nick's hands were rubbing her arms and then her back and then she was fairly sure they were in places they shouldn't be in a public area, and within minutes they were leaving, Jess' coat slung over Nick's arm as they piled into the back of a cab, unable to keep their hands off each other. For a painful ten minutes they tried to control themselves, Nick placing a hot trail of kisses along her neck while Jess moaned and refused to acknowledge the angry glare from the driver in the rear view mirror.
And then finally they were at his place, and it was a fumble for the elevator button, keys, locks, doors. Mouths colliding, tongues clashing. She dug her fingernails into his shoulders as her back hit the wall by his apartment door, his body pushing into hers. He raised her hands above her head and pressed them to the cool surface, sinking his teeth gently into her bottom lip until she gasped with pleasure. This was like nothing she had ever felt before. Desire pulsated between her legs as he threaded his fingers through hers, still trapping them against the wall and teasing her with his teeth. She wanted him so bad she was actually throbbing with need. "Nick," she moaned, trying to push him off her when he finally let go, placing his hands either side of her head instead. "I want to go inside. Please, I want to do this now."
He pulled away to look at her, eyes dark with want. "Sure, okay," he rasped, patting down his pockets for the keys to his apartment. Impatient, Jess watched him take them out and place them unsteadily into the lock. As soon as the door started to swing open he turned and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her forcefully with him into the apartment and shutting the door behind her, pushing her up against it. His kisses were hot and frenzied as Jess started to undress him, first ridding him of his coat and then moving her hands to his belt. Foreplay had never been this feverish for her before, and she loved it. She hadn't even spared a thought for Cece all this time, and pushed the thought immediately from her mind when it popped up. She could worry about her, about everything, when this was done. Everything could wait until she knew what it felt like to have Nick inside her, to be consumed with the feeling of him.
Nick stooped low and grabbed her thighs, lifting her clean off the ground and placing her roughly on the table by the door. Wasting no time, he slid his hands upwards until her dress was bunched high around her waist, her panties on display. Cool air hit her and she sucked in a breath, gripping the hair at the back of his head and tugging his face closer to hers, ignoring his small gasp of pain and kissing him fiercely until he was standing between her legs, hands tangled in her hair, breath warming her cheeks when they came up briefly for air, leaning into each other. "I wanna fuck you so bad Jess," he panted against her skin, making her legs start to shake.
"I know," she replied, scraping his scalp lightly as he groaned and closed his eyes, tilting his head back into her touch. "Me too."
"No, I mean…" he struggled to find what he was trying to say as she continued to scratch his skin, running her fingernails down his neck to his chest. "In…in my bed. Let me take you to bed."
Silently, she nodded, sliding her arms around his neck as he picked her up. She hoped Nick was as good at sex as he was at everything that came beforehand, because if that was the case she was ready for the world around her to shatter.
Collapsing on to his bed, they made short work of each other's clothes, tugging and ripping impatiently at one another. Jess didn't care when a button pinged off his shirt. She wasn't there to make friends, she was there to sleep with him. Hypersensitive to his touch, she craved more of his hands on her bare stomach, legs, and where she'd wanted him since he'd licked that drop of whiskey from his lips.
"I want you." She found herself saying into the darkness, before he was pushing her onto her back, nibbling at the soft flesh just above her panties, making her squirm.
"Where do you want me?" he breathed on to her skin.
"Everywhere," she panted, fisting her hands in his sheets. He pulled himself up to her chest, placing a few kisses in the space between her breasts, sliding a hand under her to raise her up and unclasp her bra. In one swift motion he had removed it, lowering his face to her and taking a nipple gently into his mouth. She gasped again, moving one hand to his hair and pushing up into him, desperate for more of anything he could give. Dropping his hand lower, he pushed the lace of her panties to one side without warning and pressed two fingers firmly against the bundle of nerves there. Jess arched her back, whimpering at the sudden sensation.
It had been too long since she had felt a real man's touch. Here, in this moment, she felt ravaged and wanton, her inhibitions abandoned. As she ran her hands appreciatively through his hair her quiet moans broke the silence, occasionally joined by one of Nick's when her obvious pleasure became too much for him to take. "God, Jess," he sighed into her neck when she let out a particularly breathy groan. "You're beautiful. I saw you in that bar, looking at me, and I had to fucking have you. I would have had you right there and then if there weren't so many people around. After you ran your tongue over those lips…I would have done anything you asked."
Jess squeezed her eyes shut, feeling herself grow wetter at his words. She wasn't used to talking in bed, but holy shit did she love it. This guy knew what to say to get her totally wound up.
She pulled his hand away from her, sitting up and swapping their positions so she was now on top, gazing down at his slightly awed expression. Heart thumping, she let tonight's alter ego take over, and she was dirty. "I'm asking you to make me come, Nick. That's all I want from you."
She didn't think she could be any more turned on as he reached for the boxers he had been wearing up until this point, pushing them down. She felt her breath momentarily catch in her chest when she cast her eyes over him and noted that he was going to be more than satisfactory for her needs. Without thinking Jess bucked forwards slightly, the skin of her thighs pressing up against the length of his shaft. "I can do that," he said, his voice scratchy. "Take those off and come here and I'll do that."
She slid off him, removing the only scrap of fabric she was still wearing as he threw open his bedside drawer and brought out a condom, nearly dropping it in his haste to put it on and be ready in time for her return. Excitement was pulsing through her as she resumed her previous position, guiding him to her entrance and sinking slowly, deliberately down on to him, closing her eyes and relishing the feel of someone so close to her again, making her feel whole. The last time she had had sex was months ago, and it had never been like this. The intensity between her and Nick was new and thrilling, and she wanted to savor every second of it as she started to move, going at her own pace as Nick's hands gripped her hips tightly, his heavy breathing filling her ears.
She rocked against him, over and over until she was mewling quietly and letting out breathy cries of pleasure, the pressure building within her as Nick met her thrust for thrust, rubbing the pad of his thumb over her bottom lip, her hardened nipples, her clit. His skin was rough and created a whole new range of sensations she had never been able to achieve with anyone, even herself. Then as he pressed down onto her at just the right angle it was there, and she was right at the edge, ready to let herself fall. "God I'm, Nick…I'm going to…"
She came apart with a final cry and a shuddering breath, Nick sitting up and catching her around the waist before she could collapse. He held her to his chest as she continued to move against him, riding out the waves of the longest orgasm she had ever experienced. As she came down from her high, she thought briefly about Spencer, and how she only now managed to realize that he had been an incredibly mediocre lover. Either way, as Nick rolled them over and started to thrust again, one hand steadying himself against the wall, she knew what was happening now was a rare thing, and she reached up to touch a hand to his face without thinking, overwhelmed by her powerful orgasm and this man she had just met.
Nick slowed, staring at her as she stroked a thumb over the roughness on his chin. He didn't stop, merely lowering his face to hers and kissing her gently, softly as he pushed deep inside her, both of them moaning into each other's mouths at the abrupt change in technique. Bodies slick with sweat, they remained forehead to forehead, Nick's breathing coming in shorter bursts as his climax drew closer.
"Jesus," he groaned, speeding up a little. "You're so wet Jess."
For some reason the way he choked out those words made her buck her hips, calling out his name softly into the darkened room. That seemed to tip Nick over the edge as he let out a final groan and flopped on top of her, spent. They lay wrapped up together, Jess stroking her fingers absentmindedly over his hair as they caught their breath, wondering what the hell had just happened.
The sound of the loft door opening and closing woke Jess from her sleep with a start. She strained her ears, realizing that Nick must not live alone, and then it dawned on her that she had stayed over. That hadn't been her intention. What she had wanted was temporary bliss, and he had given her all that and more. Now she had to go before her alter ego faded and she became Jess again, lonely, dispirited yet hopeful Jess, constantly on the lookout for love and thinking she had found it with every man she let close to her.
Clutching the sheet to her chest, she watched him sleep for a couple of seconds. He was very handsome. Jess sighed, reaching for her dress.
It was only as she was sneaking towards the door that she remembered it was New Year's Day. Casting one last glance over her shoulder, she let herself grin a little. It had been a long time since she had genuinely smiled. Maybe that could be her resolution – to start smiling again. "Hope you entered 2014 on as much of a high as I did, Nick," she whispered, her voice barely audible.
The mysterious man sleeping peacefully in the bed before her had no idea the extent to which he had helped her. He had found her at her rock bottom and taken her home, nursing her back to health with his kisses and caresses and mumbled words in the dark. Jess would forget his face eventually, and the memories of last night she would treasure and think about when she was with a less than satisfactory man would consist of a blank face she couldn't quite recall, but for now she knew every detail, and she briefly closed her eyes, burning the image into her brain.
She was glad Cece had taken her to that bar. She was glad she'd had one night with this extraordinary guy called Nick that she knew nothing and yet so much about. And, she thought as she crept out of the loft, heading for the lift and a cab home, he might have been exactly what she needed in order to move on and find the person she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with.