I started this on a whim, after tossing around a few ideas with crowind and joking about Madara raising tiny children. This will be slightly cracky (but not completely) as a result, so please don't take it too seriously. That said, this fic is majorly on the back burner while I focus most of my attention on my other two WIPs, CoT and TSR. Expect slow updates.

Thanks to crowind for her editing and to phoenixyfriend for acting as my sound board.

My first thought when I was reborn was 'This is bullshit.'

My second thought, upon seeing my apparently new father's face peering over someone's shoulder at me, was 'This is motherfucking bullshit.'

The resulting surge of anger tempted me to me scream, so that's what I did, right in the doctor's –or would it be midwife?- face. She fumbled for a moment when confronted with my brand new, powerful lungs, before eagerly passing me over to the young man in the room.

My tiny baby lungs exhausted themselves and I contemplated drawing another large breath for another scream to properly express just how pissed I was exactly, when I paused. I knew from experience that having a baby scream next to your ear wasn't pleasant, and no matter how much of a jackass he might or might not be, I was pretty sure the guy didn't deserve that.

The woman fluttered and exclaimed how I must know my father was holding me while he stared with a moronic, wondering look on his face. I mean, yeah, it was kind of sweet, but it didn't change the fact it made him look sort of stupid. The woman cooed a little bit more and I struggled not to roll my eyes.

'Fucking bullshit.'

Izuna didn't know much about children. The ones he looked after when their parents were away tended to be a little older than his newborn, at the very least capable of some kind of verbal communication if not complete sentences and were hell to watch because they had the tendency to toddle off the moment he took his eyes off them. But Izuna liked to think he was at least okay with children, better than Madara at least, though it wasn't hard to manage that much, and that he knew at least something about them, and that something was that children were generally cheerful. Which is how Izuna came to the conclusion that he had somehow come into possession of the grumpiest baby he had ever met.

Himiko was well behaved. She rarely fussed or cried, and only whimpered quietly when she was hungry or needed to be changed. It was completely opposite to what Izuna had anticipated, particularly on the day she was born and she had screeched like a thing possessed in the midwife's arms. But after that she had been quite an agreeable baby, even in Madara's clumsy hands.

And yet oddly enough, she never giggled or laughed, and instead seemed to have a permanent scowl on her face. Izuna hadn't even known that babies could scowl and here was his girl with the fiercest expression he had ever seen on a child's face. She looked highly offended at all times but she was particularly grumpy when she needed to be fed or cleaned up.

"It's because she wants to be clean, like a lady," Kitashi told him one day, cooing at Himiko in her arms. Izuna hovered behind his wife to peer down at Himiko, who was predictably still scowling.

His brow furrowed. "But we keep her clean all the time. I don't think I've ever seen her smile." Could three week old babies smile? Or were their facial muscles not developed enough yet? Himiko seemed to master frowning well enough.

Kitashi rolled her eyes at him. "She'll smile when she's good and ready to, and not a moment before. Besides, it could be worse. You know, Koyane's wife Wakana was telling me that little Kagami cries all the time and nothing they do seems to help. Hime-chan probably just takes after your side of the family." She went back to making soft kissy noises at Himiko. The baby still looked wholly unimpressed.

It was too soon to tell which parent Himiko would most resemble, what with her face still looking slightly squashed. But Izuna was proud to note that her hair was already starting to gently spike in the back much like his own. Of course, with his luck, Himiko would inherit Kitashi's height and end up taller than him. Izuna tried not to think of the possibility of ending up like his father and dying before he had the chance to see his children fully grown.

There were other ways that Himiko was odd, to put it mildly. Her eyes had the ability to unerringly focus on and track any object of interest, which was usually him or Madara, when his older brother deigned to be caught in the same room as Himiko. And yet, bright colors or toys or even the old, handmade baby mobile failed to attract her attention. Izuna privately felt she didn't just look at things, she watched them.

Himiko also cycled between being intensely curious about Kitashi to ignoring her outright, whereas by comparison, she was constantly fascinated with Izuna and Madara. The rest of the clan members she also ignored. While Himiko generally spent quite a bit of her time asleep, she seemed to have a sense of when someone that wasn't either her parents or her uncle was holding her, and refused to even open her eyes. Yet Madara's anxious handling of her was granted the same curious and intelligent blinking that Izuna received.

"I wonder if I must have done something wrong, or if Himiko can sense that I will not be a good mother," Kitashi confessed to him one night. Himiko lay nestled between them in the futon while Kitashi stroked her hair slowly, her expression melancholic. It had been another day where Himiko had steadfastly ignored Kitashi and instead had only blinked and scowled at Izuna. Privately, Izuna wasn't sure if it was that much better to have his daughter's apparently disdainful regard.

"I doubt it's like that," Izuna said. It wasn't as if Himiko was old enough to really develop her own opinions yet. But Izuna also knew that if he said that to Kitashi that he would get a lecture about how just because babies were young and tiny didn't mean they didn't have their own thoughts and feelings.

Kitashi frowned down at Himiko who was starting to look a bit sleepy. "Izuna, I think Himiko has shown more interest in Madara's hair than she's shown for me."

"Well, it is a lot of hair, isn't it? Maybe she thinks he hides toys in it for her or something." It was an unfortunate fact that Madara's hair, long and thick as it was, was also an untameable mass, no matter how often he dragged a brush or comb through it. It still stubbornly rose into spikes and it was only its heavy weight that kept it as flat as Madara had managed to get it. Izuna's mane was only marginally more manageable.

"Don't be stupid Izuna, you know exactly what I'm talking about." The look Kitashi gave him could've pierced armor.

"I don't know what you want me to do. It's not like I can fix it. I can't convince Himiko to like you or something," said Izuna. He shifted so he could stare Himiko in the face.

"Hey. Hey, Himiko-chan. You're making mommy upset, you know? She loves you a lot, so stop ignoring her." Izuna couldn't quite keep the faint trace of mockery out of his voice despite his own wish for Himiko to do something besides frown.

Kitashi punched Izuna in the shoulder. "You jackass. Like that's going to do anything," she said. Izuna rubbed his shoulder and leaned back to look at Kitashi again, his lips quirking into a smile.

"I thought we weren't supposed to swear around the baby."

"I was provoked," Kitashi sniffed.

Izuna scooted closer, careful not to crush Himiko or jostle her too much. "Everything is going to be fine. You're not going to be a bad mom, and Himiko will love you and hang on every word you say." Kitashi's face softened.

"Except for when I scold her and she goes running to you to get out of trouble," she said.

"I would never undermine your authority-"

"Izuna, she hasn't even said a word yet and you already adore her. Just yesterday you were telling Hikaku that she was the smartest baby the Uchiha have ever recorded."

Izuna crossed his arms sulkily. "I would scold Himiko if she needed it," he grumbled. "Besides, it's Madara that's besotted with her."

"Oh, yes, the man that runs in terror every time you try to pass him his niece. Does that mean Himiko is going to go to Madara when she wants to be spoiled then?" Kitashi began to grin.

"Of course," Izuna answered. A smile began to overtake his face as well. "Gods, can you imagine it? Madara with children?" Izuna snorted and covered his eyes as an image of Himiko tugging on Madara's clothes while he tried to escape sprang to mind. He snickered.

"Well, there is a reason why you're the one married and he's not," Kitashi said dryly.

"You mean because his face scares away all the women or because he's awful with children younger than ten?" Izuna asked cheekily.

"I wouldn't be so smug. Your face isn't much better," Kitashi replied.

"You married me for my face."

"Are you sure about that?" Kitashi arched her brows at him.

"Mm. My body and my skills as a superior shinobi were also factors in your decision," he said seriously.

Kitashi burst into laughter. "You are so full of shit. Did you forget the part where you were begging me to say yes because you didn't want Madara to set up an omiai with someone for you?"

"He tried to tell me that seventeen was too young to decide who could be my wife!" Izuna protested. "Who else should it have been except my best friend? Just because he didn't want to get married and raise his own heirs…" Izuna tsked.

"The way I see it, it was a perfect set up for me. My clan head's brother, desperate for a wife…all I had to do was bat my eyelashes and I became one of the most influential women in the clan," Kitashi teased. She leaned in close and pushed her lips into an exaggerated sultry pout.

"Of course. Now you can stay at home and write waka poetry all day and gossip like one of those court princesses we guard."

Izuna held Kitashi's gaze with mock seriousness until they both started to laugh. The luxurious excess of the nobility seemed absurd to both of them, and it was preposterous to imagine Kitashi dressed in one of the heavy junihitoe kimono or her hair long enough to actually pull into an elaborate chignon.

"O great Kitashi-hime, I bow before your beauty and grace." Izuna's voice was barely coherent through his snickers.

Kitashi giggled. "Ah, but Izuna, this means that Himiko-chan is also a princess. And one day she will grow up and be so popular that she will become the leader of our people."

"Well, that is why we named her Himiko."

Kitashi's mirth faded away, likely because her thoughts had returned to the earlier subject of Himiko's disregard for her mother. Her fingers brushed down the small spikes in Himiko's pitch black hair and drew Izuna's attention to the fact that it seemed Himiko had at last fallen asleep.

"Don't worry so much Kitashi. She's going to love you. She's probably like a cat or something, she just needs time to warm up to you first," Izuna said. He yawned as a wave of exhaustion made itself known. For all that Himiko didn't demand their attention the way other newborns sometimes did, taking care of her was tiring.

"I suppose so," Kitashi replied uncertainly. She snuggled a little closer, her body still curled around Himiko.

It was of course the next day that Kitashi woke him with excitement, a grin splitting her face ear to ear, to show him the toothless smile of their daughter. Upon seeing his face Himiko cooed a little bit, nothing more than a long, unintelligible note of sound that nonetheless made Izuna begin to smile himself. Satisfied that Izuna had seen the proof of Himiko's happiness, Kitashi drew her close to her chest again to make nonsensical noises at her. Himiko waited for each pause and then obligingly made sounds back, vowels of varying lengths and pitch that nonetheless managed to be quiet enough for even a shinobi's sensitive ears.

And yet, Izuna felt it was suspicious that Himiko smiled the morning after Kitashi lamented that Himiko didn't care for her. He found himself watching Himiko carefully after that, suspicious for any sign of more…oddness. It couldn't be possible that she understood human language yet, could it? At the same time, Himiko still remained as discriminatory as ever. While she was content to make noises to herself and her immediate family, everyone outside of the three most prevalent adults in her life were unable to earn a smile or one of her coos.

All too soon, reality returned. Izuna couldn't stay off the front lines indefinitely. Madara had probably given him too much time away as it was, for all that Izuna took over much of Madara's paperwork in return during his absence from missions. Likewise, Kitashi was also back to a regular training schedule to get back her physical form. She was the only currently mission active kunoichi the clan had, the others opting to remain as part of the home guard. Kitashi's incredible talent and skill allowed her to have her choice to either be a home guard kunoichi or take missions and take part in the active warfare, and having chosen the latter, it was necessary that she remain in peak form.

Between the three of them it was unlikely Himiko was going to spend a significant time away from the people she seemed to like best. But Izuna knew that sooner or later someone else was going to be responsible for looking after her, no matter how short of a time period it was. So it was with great reluctance that Izuna began to take her out on short sojourns around the clan compound to get Himiko used to other people.

The first such outing was when Izuna and Madara had set aside some time to spar with each other in one of the open training spaces. They typically trained in one of the large, reserved training fields, on account of their skill level and devastating jutsu. It would be easy for them to accidentally maim unsuspecting clan members during a serious spar. But showy public spars were good for clan morale and one such display would fan the burgeoning spirit of the Uchiha, already alight from Himiko's birth, into a blaze.

But first, Izuna had to make sure Himiko was comfortable. It wouldn't do for her sensitive skin to get burned by the intense summer sun, or for her to be unable to nap because of the bright natural light. He fussed with her blankets and with the cover to the small carrier she was tucked in, trying to arrange it just so her face was safely covered but she could also enjoy some fresh air.

"Are you done yet?" Madara's voice was a cross between bored and teasing. He leaned carelessly on the end of his kusarigama, already waiting for Izuna on the sparring field. "You should have Koyane hold her, that way she can properly watch her father getting his ass kicked."

Koyane, who was standing nearby and looking exhausted, rubbed a hand over his eyes. "I'd really rather not. With my luck, she'd start screaming in my ear. Speaking of which, I really do not think it's a good idea to have her so close to a spar."

"Nonsense, Hikaku will watch after her," Izuna nodded towards the youngest of them. "And if he doesn't, I'll skewer him." Izuna straightened.

"That's encouraging," Hikaku said dryly. Nevertheless he edged closer until he was standing over Himiko's carrier.

More Uchiha gathered, a low excited chatter sweeping through them. Izuna's adrenaline was already rising in anticipation and he couldn't help rolling his shoulders.

"Besides, it's for the better if Himiko-chan can't see. It would be a bit embarrassing to watch her own clan head eat dirt, even if it was to his younger brother."

A smirk grew on Madara's face at Izuna's trash talk. "Oh, is that so? Let's get started then."

It was the only warning Izuna had before Madara was leaping at him with the kusarigama at the ready. Metal collided with a clang as he drew his sword and Izuna put his daughter out of his mind. Even for a spar, fighting Madara took all of his focus. Joking aside, Izuna also knew he could trust his kin to look after Himiko when he was unable to.

Izuna and Madara kept to their flashier elemental ninjutsu and complex taijutsu combinations rather than use more economical jutsu. The blooms of heat from their Katon caused sweat to bead along Izuna's face and only experience kept him from flinching when sparks flew every time their weapons clashed. He distantly registered the cheers and shouts from the crowd, and feeling emboldened, twisted and abruptly switched sword hands to come at Madara from the opposite angle. Madara's gleaming Sharingan had already predicted his movement and Izuna couldn't help internally cursing his superior ability at prediction, unlike Izuna's own with genjutsu.

An untold amount of time later, the two brothers separated, both panting and covered in rivulets of sweat. Izuna's muscles ached in an almost pleasant fashion that spoke of a good work out. Excited as he had been to become a father, he had also missed being a shinobi. As he had that thought, Izuna suddenly remembered Himiko.

Izuna spun on his heel and strode over to where Hikaku and Koyane were standing. As he did so, his eyes caught on the now destroyed training ground. What had he been thinking, bringing a baby out here? There was no way she had been able to sleep or even relax through all the racket they had made. He had probably frightened her stiff. And sure enough, she was out of her carrier and in Hikaku's arms.

"Is she all right?" Izuna asked, his voice gruff with worry. A visual inspection didn't reveal anything; her face wasn't even red. The only thing unusual was that Himiko was awake and aware while in a relative stranger's arms. Her intense dark eyes were fixed on him and blinking in their usual slow manner.

"Believe it or not Izuna, she's capable of surviving without your attention for more than an hour," Madara said from behind him. Izuna ignored him and gestured for Himiko anyway.

"She fussed a little as soon as you two started fighting," Hikaku explained as he handed her over. "As soon as I held her up so she could see, she calmed right back down again."

Izuna settled her on his shoulder. He briefly wondered if the sweat dampening his clothes would irritate her, but she didn't give any indication that it did.

Koyane sighed. "If only Kagami was as agreeable as Himiko. I would get a lot more sleep. I think I sleep more on missions these days than I do at home."

"Really, she was watching the entire time?"

Izuna felt a grin curl his mouth. "Here, see for yourself." He held out Himiko to Madara, only for him to nearly leap backward. His wild hair combined with his wide eyes only made him look like a startled cat.

"No!" Madara shouted. Himiko stared at him.

"I, I mean, you keep your pit spawn away from me. She drools," Madara said, flustered. Izuna snickered and pulled Himiko back to his chest again.

"Look Himiko-chan, at what a fierce warrior your uncle is. He's scared of your drool."

"I was just going to say," Madara said loudly over Izuna, "that it's unusual for a baby to not get whiny around loud noises and fighting, isn't it? She must be natural born shinobi."

Fear gripped Izuna for a moment and he almost missed Hikaku's rejoinder. "Madara, both of her parents are shinobi."

He clutched Himiko a little tighter at the sudden realization that she could one day be a shinobi on a battlefield, far from where he could reach her, fighting for her life. Groups of child hunters roamed the country side all the time and assuming she made it to adulthood didn't guarantee her a long life when the average life span of shinobi was thirty years and shrinking. "We'll let her decide when she's a little older if she wants to be a shinobi or a part of the home guard," he said.

"Bah. No niece of mine will be a weak woman, waiting helplessly at home." Madara folded his arms pointedly. "We can get her started on training as soon as she walks, just like every other Uchiha boy."

"We'll let her decide," Izuna repeated. There had been plenty of births in the last few years; there wasn't a need for Himiko to learn more than how to defend herself. Izuna rubbed her back.

She was going to stay safe.