Note: I, the author of this fanfic, certainly do not own the Harry Potter series (JK Rowling), Doctor Who (BBC), nor Star Wars (Disney).
One day on Neptune, Hermione Granger was deep-throating an alien. Now, what a time to interrupt her. She is really quite a lovely girl and damn smart, too, but sometimes she really wanted some adventure. So, she became Hannah Montana. Sort of. By day, she was amazingly perfect and nerdy and fabulous, by night, she "learned" about aliens. She called it journalism. That is what it was, really, she would have sex with an alien, and record it. It was all very neat and organized until one night on Neptune.
Hermione Granger had met Jack Harkness. He wasn't the alien she was deep throating, who was named Bar Bar Sminks or something weird. He kept groaning and saying awful things which were grammatically incorrect and made no sense. Hermione hated this alien so much that she bit him. He yipped. Hermione made her exit very quickly.
What happened with Jack, was that he was the new Defense of the Dark Arts teacher. He did okay and everything and had not gotten himself killed by Harry's latest crew of stalkers and creepy monsters who chased him everywhere, but Hermione had seen him making out with Sirius Black that in the club on Neptune. He did not see her, thankfully. Sirius kept him pretty busy, although Jack was somehow flirting with the Raxacoricofallapatorians at the next table while kissing Sirius.
That was not the problem, however. Hermione was sure that Jack (or Captain Harkness as he was referred to at Hogwarts) had pinched her ass as she had passed him in the club.
As Hermione was considering this, and as Jack and Sirius were beginning to tear at each other's clothing, something bigger was going on.
Dobby had landed on Neptune.
Dobby had a golden earring, leather jacket with spikes, combat boots with more spikes, sunglasses, and Harry Potter's sock hanging from a silver chain around his scrawny neck. He also had an army of angry house elves following him. Hermione approached them. Dobby lowered his sunglasses a fraction of an inch to peer at Hermione.
"Dobby wants you to GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY, MUDBLOOD and please let Dobby's army pass," he said.
Hermione gasped and stepped back, but not far enough for Dobby.
"Dobby is kindly giving you one more chance to move out of Dobby's way, FUCKING MUDBLOOD BITCH."
Hermione knelt down to be level with Dobby.
"Make me, you little son-of-a-"
"DOBBY ORDERS PRIVATE WINKY TO INCINERATE THIS REBEL SCUM ON THE SPOT."
"Dobby, please-"
Winky fired. Hermione screamed and went up in flames. The club became silent all except for the slurping sounds from Jack and Sirius on the floor in front of the bar.
Another day had passed with Darth Dobby in charge, and it had not gone well.