THE TOBI OF THE OPERA

by Ash The Digi 010

A parody of Phantom of the Opera, I was inspired by a Deviantart pic. Sadly, it is GONE!

I do not own the Akatsuki, even though I am act like I am Zetsu. I wish I owned Phantom of the Opera.

I do not sponsor Sasodara, Todara, Deisori, etc. It's just creepy.

AshtheDigi010 proudly presents…

THE TOBI OF THE OPERA!

Parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera

The setting: France, 1919

(The contents of the opera house is being
auctioned off. An AUCTIONEER, PORTERS,
BIDDERS, and SASORI, seventy now, but still
bright of eye. The action commences with a
blow from the AUCTlONEER's gavel)

AUCTIONEER
Sold. Your number, sir? Thank you.

Lot 663, then, ladies and gentlemen: a poster
for this house's production of "Cannibal" by
Halumeau.

PORTER
Showing here.

AUCTIONEER
Do I have ten ryo? Five then. Five I am bid.
Six, seven. Against you, sir, seven. Eight.
Eight once. Selling twice. Sold, to Sarutobi,
Hokage of Leaves.

Lot 664: a wooden kunai and three human
skulls from the 1831 production of "Robert le
Diable" by Meyerbeer. Ten ryo for this. Ten,
thank you. Ten ryo still. Fifteen, thank you,
sir Fifteen I am bid. Going at fifteen. Your
number, sir?

665, ladies and gentlemen: a paper-mache
musical box, in the shape of a barrel-organ.
Attached, the figure of a black puppet in Persian
robes playing the cymbals. This item,
discovered in the vaults of the theatre, still in
working order.

PORTER (holding it up)
Showing here. (He sets it in motion)

AUCTIONEER
My I start at twenty ryo? Fifteen, then?
Fifteen I am bid.

(the bidding continues. SASORI. eventually
buys the box for thirty ryo)

Sold, for thirty ryo to the Pimp de
Chagny. Thank you, sir.

(The box is handed across to SASORI. He studies it, as
attention focuses on him for a moment)

SASORI (quietly, half to himself, half to the
box)
A collector's piece indeed . . .
every detail exactly as he said . . .

He often spoke of you, my friend ....
Your velvet lining, and your figurine of lead...

Will you still play,
when all the rest of us are dead?
And I told that bitch art was forever.

(Attention returns to the AUCTIONEER, as he
resumes)

AUCTIONEER
Lot 666, then: a chandelier in pieces. Some of
you may recall the strange affair of the
Tobi of the Opera: a mystery never fully
explained. We are told ladies and gentlemen,
that this is the very chandelier which figures in
the famous disaster. Our workshops have
restored it and fitted up parts of it with wiring
for the new electric light, so that we may get a
hint of what it may look like when re-
assembled. Perhaps we may frighten away the
ghost of so many years ago with a little
illumination, gentlemen?

(The AUCTIONEER switches on the chandelier
There is an enormous flash, and the OVERTURE
begins. During the overture the opera house is
restored to its earlier grandeur. The chandelier
immense and glittering, rises magically from
the stage, finally hovering high above the
stalls)

Part1 We meet the players, and the scene is set.

(We have reached the great choral scene in
which CANNIBAL and his army return to save
Carthage from the Roman invasion under
Scipio. CANNIBAL is NAGATO PEIN ;
SERLISSA, Queen of Carthage (his mistress) is
KONAN. The two leading
SLAVE GIRLS are played by HIDAN GIRY and
DEIDARA DAAE. KAKAZU GIRY is the ballet
mistress. KAKASHI HATAKE, the repetiteur, is in
charge.

We join the opera towards the end of SERLISSA's
(KONAN's) great aria. She is alone, holding
a present from the approaching CANNIBAL, a
bleeding severed head)

KONAN (at the climax of an extravagant cade)
This trophy from our saviours, from the
enslaving force of Rome!

(A STAGE HAND carries a ladder across the
stage. OTHERS are seen still constructing
parts of the scenery)

GIRLS' TALKING
With feasting and dancing and song,
tonight in celebration
we greet the victorious throng,
returned to bring salvation!

MEN'S TALKING
The trumpets of Carthage resounds !
Hear, Konohs, now and tremble!
Hark to our step on the ground!

ALL
Hear the drums - Cannibal comes!

(PEIN enters, as CANNIBAL)

PEIN (CANNIBAL)
Sad to return to find the land we love
threatened once more by Konoha's's far-reaching
grasp.

KAKASHI (interrupting him)
Signor . . . if you please: "Konoh". We say
"Konoh' not "Konoha"

PEIN
Si, si, Konoh, not Konoha. Is very hard for me.
(practising) Konoh . . . Konoh . . .

(Enter SARUTOBI, the retiring manager of the
Opera, with SASUKE and NARUTO, to
whom he has just sold it)

KAKASHI (to PEIN)
Once again, then, if you please, Signor: "Sad to
return . . ."

SARUTOBI (to SASUKE and NARUTO)
This way, gentlemen, this way. Rehearsals, as
you see, are under way, for a new production of
Halumeau's "Cannibal".

(seeing a hiatus in the rehearsal, SARUTOBI attempts to
attract attention.)

SARUTOBI
Ladies and gentlemen, some of you may already,
perhaps, have met Sasuke and Naruto ...

(the new managers are politely bowing, when KAKASHI
interrupts)

KAKASHI
I'm sorry, Sarutobi, we are rehearsing. If you wouldn't
mind waiting a goddang moment?

SARUTOBI
My apologies, Kakashi. Continue with you foolishness ...

KAKASHI
Thank you, monsieur (turning back to PEIN).
"Sad to return..." Signor ...

SARUTOBI (sotto voce to SASUKE and NARUTO)
Kakashi Hatake, our chief repetiteur. Rather a pervert, I'm
afraid.

(the rehearsal continues)

PEIN (CANNIBAL)
Sad to return to find the land we love
threatened once more by

Konoh's far-reaching grasp.
Tomorrow we shall break
the chains of Konoh.
Tonight, rejoice - your army has
come home. And Konan, my love, Censored!
(KONAN shoots him with a gun.)

BALLET GIRLS begin their dance.
SARUTOBI, SASUKE and NARUTO
stand center-stage watching the
ballet. They are in the way. The
ballet continues under the
following dialogue.)

SARUTOBI (indicating PEIN)
Signor Pein, our principal
tenor. He does play cutely opposite
Lady Konan, despite the guns they hide in their coats..

KAKAZU GIRY (exasperated by their
presence, bangs his cane angrily
on the stage)
Gentlemen, please! If you would
kindly move to one side? I would like to see some slaughter!

SARUTOBI
I will never pay you, Kakazu Giry!
(leading SASUKE and NARUTO
into the dance.)

Kakazu Giry, our ballet treasurer. I
don't mind confessing, Sasuke, I shan't be sorry to be rid
of the whole blessed business.

SASUKE
I keep asking you, monsieur, why
exactly are you retiring?

SARUTOBI (ignoring this, calls
his attention to the continuing
ballet)
We take a particular pride here in
the excellence of our ballets.

(HIDAN becomes prominent among the dancers)

SASUKE
Who's that dude, Sarutobi sensei?

SARUTOBI
Him? Hidan Giry, Kakazu Giry's
assistant. They are not related. Promising dancer, Sasuke, most promising.

(DEIDARA becomes prominent. He has absent-
mindedly fallen out-of-step)

KAKAZU (spotting him, bangs his cane again)
You! Deidara Daae! Concentrate, girl!

DEIDARA

I'm a boy you a-hole! (Throws clay at Kakazu's face.)

HIDAN (quietly, to DEIDARA)

Deiadara . . . What's the f*%^&ing matter? Why did you try to kill my partner in crime?

SASUKE (to KAKASHI)
Daae? Curious name.

SARUTOBI
From the Rock Village.

NARUTO
Any relation to the Akatsuki?

SARUTOBI

I believe I can't say. Always has her head in the
clouds, I'm afraid.

DEIDARA

I'm a boy!

(The ballet continues to its climax and ends. The
CHORUS resumes)

CHORUS
Bid welcome to Cannibal's guests -
the crustacean of Carthage!
As guides on our conquering quests,
Dido sends
Cannibal's friends!

(the CRUSTACEAN, a life-sized mechanical replica, enters.
PEIN is lifted, in triumph, onto its back)

KONAN (SERLISSA)
Once more to my
welcoming arms
my love returns
in splendour!

PEIN (CANNIBAL)
Once more to those
sweetest of charms
my heart and soul
surrender! Now get on your knees!
(KONAN wings him in the shoulder with a pistol.)

CHORUS
The trumpeting crustaceans sound
hear, Konohs, now and tremble!
Hark to their step on the ground
hear the drums!
Cannibal comes!

(At the end of the chorus KAKASHI claps
his hands for silence. The crustacean is led
off. Two stage-hands are revealed operating
it from within)

SARUTOBI
Ladies and gentlemen - Kakazu Giry, thank
you - may I have your attention, please?
As you know, for some weeks there have
been rumours of my Imminent retirement. I
can now tell you that these were all true and
it is my pleasure to introduce to you the
two gentlemen who now own the Opera
Pimpulaire, Sasuke Uchiha and Naruto Uzamaki.

(Polite applause. Some bowing.
KONAN makes her presence felt)

Gentlemen, Signora Konan Giudicelli, our
leading soprano for five seasons now.

NARUTO
Of course, of course. I have experienced all
your
greatest roles, Signora.

KONAN

So you're stalking me?

SARUTOBI
And Signor Nagato Pein.

SASUKE
An honour, Signor.

NARUTO
If I remember rightly, Serlissa has a rather
fine aria in Act Three of "Cannibal". I
wonder, Signora, if, as a personal favour,
you would oblige us with a private
rendition? (Somewhat acerbic). Unless, of
course, Kakashi objects . . .

KONAN
My manager commands . . .
Kakashi?

KAKASHI
My diva commands. Will two bars
be sufficient introduction?

SASUKE
Two bars will be quite sufficient

KAKASHI (ensuring that KONAN is ready)
Signora?

KONAN
Maestro.

(The introduction is played on the piano)

KONAN
Think of me,
think of me fondly,
when we've said
goodbye. (A window breaks.)
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try. (A mouse commits suicide in the rafters.)

When you find
that, once
again, you long
to take your heart . . .

(As KONAN is singing a backdrop crashes to the
floor cutting her off from half the cast)

HIDAN/BALLET GIRLS/CHORUS
He's here:
the Tobi of the Opera . . .
He is with us . . .
It's the ghost . . .

PEIN (looking up, furiously)
You idiots!

(He rushes over to KONAN)
Koko! Koko! Are you hurt?

KAKASHI
Signora! Are you all right? Orochimaru!
Where is Orochimaru?

PEIN
Is no one concerned for our prima donna?

SARUTOBI
Get that snake down here !
(to SASUKE and NARUTO)
Chief of the flies. He's responsible for this.

(The drop is raised high enough to reveal upstage an old
stagehand, OROCHIMARU, holding a length of rope,
which looks almost like a noose)

SARUTOBI
Orochimaru! For God's sake, man, what's going on up there?

OROCHIMARU
Please monsieur
don't look at me:
as Manda as my witness,
I was not at my post.

Please monsieur
there's no one there:
and if there is, well
then, either I'm drunk or it must be a ghost . . .

HIDAN (looking up)
He's there; the Tobi of the Opera ...

SASUKE
Good heavens!
Will you show a little courtesy?

NARUTO (to HIDAN and the OTHERS)
Mademoiselles and swearman, please!

NARUTO (to KONAN)
These things do happen.

KONAN
Si! These things do happen! Well, until you stop these
things happening, this thing does not happen!

Nagato! Kisame!
(PEIN dutifully fetches her furs from the wings)

PEIN
Amateurs!

SARUTOBI
I don't think there's much more to assist you,
gentlemen. Good luck. If you need me, I shall be in
Tanzaku Town .

(He leaves. The COMPANY looks anxiously at the NEW
MANAGERS)

SASUKE
La Konan will be back.

KAKAZU
You think so, messieurs? I have a message, sir, from the
Opera Ninja.

(The GIRLS twitter and twirl in fear)

NARUTO
God in Heaven, you're all obsessed!

KAKAZU
He merely welcomes you to his opera house and
commands you to continue to leave the snack bar empty for
his use and reminds you that his salary is due.

NARUTO
His salary?

KAKAZU
Monsieur Sarutobi paid him twenty thousand cookies a
month. Perhaps you can afford more, with the Pimp de
Chagny as your patron.

(Reaction to this from the BALLET GIRLS.
DEIDARA takes hold of HIDAN nervously)

SASUKE (to KAKAZU)
God, I had hoped to have made that
announcement myself.

KAKAZU (to NARUTO)
Will the Pimp be at the performance tonight,
monsieur?

NARUTO
In our box.

SASUKE
Madame, who is the understudy for this role?

KAKASHI
There is no understudy, monsieur - the
production is new.

HIDAN
Deidara Daae could sing it, sir.

NARUTO
The chorus girl? Da F***?

HIDAN (to NARUTO)
She's been taking lessons from a great teacher

DEIDARA (Frustrated.)

I AM A GUY.

SASUKE
From whom ?

DEIDARA (uneasily)
I don't know, sir . . .

NARUTO
Oh, not you as well!
(turning to SASUKE)
Can you believe it? A full house - and we have to cancel!

KAKAZU
Let her sing for you, monsieur. She has been well taught.

(Deidara plugs his ears to not hear.)

KAKASHI (after a pause)
From the beginning of the aria then, mam'selle.

DEIDARA (Earplugs are still in.)

What?

KAKASHI

The Aria!

DEIDARA
Think of me
think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me
once in a while -
please promise me
you'll try. (The dead mouse is brought back to life.)

NARUTO
Sasuke, this is doing nothing for my nerves. My ramen is coming up.

SASUKE
Don't fret, Naruto. I'll kill him before the next show.

DEIDARA
When you find
that, once
again, you long
to take your heart back
and be free -
if you
ever find
a moment,
spare a thought
for me

(Transformation to the Gala. DEIDARA is
revealed in full costume)

(Lyrics suddenly change.)

DEIDARA

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time
Everything is 3D blasphemy
My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up
This is not the way I pictured me
I can't control my shakes
How the hell did I get here?
Something about this, so very wrong...
I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this
Is it a dream or a memory?

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...
I wander over where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Get outta my head cuz I don't need this
Why I didn't I see this?
I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate
I have sinned by just
Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

Goodbye!

(Applause, bravos. Prominent among the bravos, those
of the young SASORI in the MANAGERS' box)

SASORI
Can it be?
Can it be Deidara?

Whoa damn!

(he raises his opera-glasses)

What a change!
You're really
not a bit
the gawkish guy
that once you were...

(lowering his opera-glasses)

He may
not remember
me, but
I remember
him...

DEIDARA
You haven't learned a thing
I haven't changed a thing
My flesh was in my bones
The pain was always free

I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stoner leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell, I wait and bleed...

And it waits for you!

Scene 2
AFTER THE GALA, IN WHICH WE HEAR SOME FUNNY CRAP.

(The curtain closes upstage. BALLET GIRLS, from the
wings gush around DEIDARA who hands each a flower
from his bouquet. KAKASHI stiffly gives his approval)

KAKAZU (to DEIDARA)
Yes, you did well. He will be pleased.
(to the DANCERS)
And you! You were a disgrace tonight! Such ronds de
jambe! Such temps de cuisse!
Here we rehearse. Now!
(It emphasizes this with his cane.
The BALLET GIRLS settle into rehearsal upstage, KAKAZU
keeping time with his stick. Variations on this continue
throughout the scene)

(DEIDARA moves slowly, downstage, away from the
DANCERS as his dressing room becomes visible.
Unseen by him, HIDAN also moves away and follows him.
As DEIDARA is about to open the dressing room door,
he hears the TOBI's voice out of nowhere.)

TOBI'S VOICE
Bravi, bravi, bravissimi . . .

(DEIDARA is bewildered by the voice. HIDAN,
following, has not heard it. DEIDARA turns in
surprise, and is relieved to see him)

HIDAN
Where in the world
have you been hiding?
Really, you were
perfect!

I only wish
I knew your secret!
Who is this new
tutor?

DEIDARA (abstracted, entering the dressing room)
Father once spoke
of an angel . . .
I used to dream he'd
appear . . .

Now as I sing,
I can sense him . . .
And I know
he's here . . .
(trance-like)

Here in this room
he calls me softly . . .
somewhere inside . . .
hiding . . .

Somehow I know
he's always with me . . .
he - the unseen
genius . . .

HIDAN (uneasily)
Deidara, you must have
been trippin' . . .
stories like this can't
come true . . .

Deidara, you're talking
in riddles . . .
and it's not
like you . . .

DEIDARA (not hearing him, ecstatic)
Angel of Darkness!
Guide
and guardian!
Grant to me your
glory!

HIDAN (to himself)
Who is this angel?
This . . .

BOTH
Angel of Darkness!
Hide no longer!
Secret and strange
angel . . .

DEIDARA (darkly)
He's with me, even now . . .

HIDAN (bewildered)
Your hands are cold . . .

DEIDARA
That's their saliva..

HIDAN
Your face, Deidara,
it's white . . .

DEIDARA
It frightens me . . .

HIDAN
Don't be frightened . . .

(THEY look at each other The moment is broken
by the arrival of KAKAZU)

KAKAZU
Hidan Giry. Are you a dancer? Then come and
practice.

(HIDAN leaves and joins the DANCERS)
My dear, I was asked to give you this.

(He hands DEIDARA a note, and exits.
DEIDARA opens it and reads)

DEIDARA
A red hair . . . the creepy puppets . . . Little Lotte . . . Good gravy Michael Jackson is hunting me.

Scene 3
DEIDARA 'S DRESSING ROOM AND RANDOM NONSUCH.

(Meanwhile SASORI, SASUKE, NARUTO, and SAKURA are seen making their way towards the dressing
room, the MANAGERS in high spirits, bearing
champagne)

SASUKE
A tour de force! No other way to describe it!

NARUTO
What a relief ! Not a single refund!

SAKURA
Greedy.

SASUKE
Naruto, I think we've made quite a discovery in Miss
Daae!

NARUTO (to SASORI, indicating DEIDARA 'S
dressing room)
Here we are, Monsieur le Pimp.

SASORI
Gentlemen if you wouldn't mind. This is one visit I
should prefer to make unaccompanied.

(He takes the champagne from NARUTO)

SASUKE
As you wish, monsieur.

(They bow and move off)

NARUTO
They appear to have met before . . .

(SASORI knocks at the door and enters)

SASORI
Deidara Daae, where is your scarf?

DEIDARA
Monsieur?

SASORI
You can't have lost it. After all the trouble I took.
I was just fourteen and soaked to the skin . . .

DEIDARA
Because you had run into the sea to fetch my scarf.
Oh, Sasori. So it is you!

SASORI
Deidara.

(They embrace and laugh. He moves away and sits at his
dressing table.)

SASORI
"Little Lotte let her mind wander . . ."

DEIDARA
I hoped you wouldn't remember that, too . . .

SASORI (continuing)
". . . Little Lotte thought: Am I fonder
of dolls . . ."

BOTH (DEIDARA joining in, tiredly)
". . . or of goblins,
of shoes . . ."

DEIDARA
". . . or of riddles.
of frocks . . ."

SASORI
Those picnics in the attic . . .
". . . or of chocolates . . ."

DEIDARA
Father playing the violin . . .

SASORI
As we read to each other
dark stories of the North . . .

DEIDARA
"No what I love best, Lotte said,
is when I'm asleep in my bed,
and the Angel of Darkness sings songs in my
head!"

BOTH
". . . the Angel of Darkness sings song in my
head!"

DEIDARA (turning in his chair to look at him)
Father said, "When I'm in heaven, child, I will send the
Angel of Darkness to you". Well, father is dead, Sasori, and
I have been visited by the Angel of Darkness.

SASORI
No doubt of it. And now we'll go to supper!

DEIDARA
No, Sasori, the Angel of Darkness is very strict.

SASORI
I shan't keep you up late!

DEIDARA
No, Sasori . . .

SASORI
You must change. I must get my hat. Two minutes Little
Lotte.

(He hurries out)

DEIDARA (calling after him)
Sasori! That damn puppet….

(quietly picking up his hand mirror. His hands start chewing on it.)

Things have changed, Sasori.

(Tremulous music. DEIDARA hears the
TOBI'S voice, seemingly from behind her dressing
room mirror)

TOBI'S VOICE
Insolent puppet!
This slave
of immortality
basking in your
glory!

Ignorant fool!
This brave
young suitor,
sharing in my
triumph!

DEIDARA (spell-bound)
Angel! I hear you!
Speak -
I listen . . .
stay by my side,
guide me!

Angel, my soul was weak -
forgive me . . .
enter at last,
Master!

TOBI'S VOICE
Flattering child,
you shall know me,
see why in shadow
I hide!

Look at your face
in the mirror -
I am there
inside!

(The figure of the TOBI becomes discernible
behind the mirror, lollipop in hand.)

DEIDARA (ecstatic)
Holy Shit!

Angel of Darkness!
Guide and guardian!
Grant to me your
glory!

Angel of Darkness!
Hide no longer!
Come to me, strange
angel...

TOBI"S VOICE
I am your Angel ...
Come to me: Angel of Darkness ...
(Licks lollipop somehow.)

(DEIDARA walks towards the glowing,
shimmering glass. He hits it hard, and tries again. Meanwhile, SASORI has
returned. He hears the voices and is puzzled. He
tries the door It is locked)

SASORI
Whose is that voice . . .?
Who is that in there . . .?

(Inside the room the mirror opens. Behind it, in
an inferno of white light, stands the TOBI.
He reaches forward and takes DEIDARA firmly,
but not fiercely, by the wrist. His touch is cold,
and DEIDARA gasps)

TOBI
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .
(Bites lollipop, again mysteriously.)

(DEIDARA disappears through the mirror,
which closes behind Him. The door of the dressing
room suddenly unlocks and swings open, and
SASORI enters to find the room empty)

SASORI
Christine! Angel! Get me my Sandaime Kazekage! Hunt them down!

Scene 4
THE LABYRINTH UNDERGROUND/ IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO GET TO A PLACE.

(The TOBI and DEIDARA take their
strange journey to the PHANTOM'S lair. Candles
rise from the stage. We see DEIDARA and the
TOBI in a boat which moves slowly across
the misty waters of the underground lake)

DEIDARA
In sleep
he sang to me,
in dreams
he came . . .
that voice
which calls to me
and speaks
my name . . .

And do
I dream again?
For now
I find
the Tobi of the Opera
is there -
inside my mind . . .
(They transfer over to a horse.)

TOBI
Sing once
again with me
our strange
duet . . .
My power
over you
grows stronger
yet . . .

And though
you turn from me,
to glance
behind,
the Tobi of the Opera
is there -
inside your mind . . .

(A passing golden candle holder knocks the TOBI into the water, but he quickly gets back in.)

DEIDARA
Those who
have seen your face
draw back
in fear . . .
I am
the mask you wear . . .

TOBI
It's me
they hear . . .

BOTH
Your/my spirit
and your/my voice,
in one
combined:
the Tobi of the Opera
is there
inside your/my mind . . .

OFFSTAGE VOICES (belonging to ITACHI {Temporarily} and HINATA.)
He's there,
the Tobi of the Opera . . .
Beware
the Tobi of the Opera . . .

TOBI
In all
your fantasies,
you always
knew
that man
and mystery . . .

DEIDARA
. . . were both
in you . . .

BOTH
And in
this labyrinth,
where night
is blind,
the Tobi of the Opera
is there/here
inside your/my mind . . .

Sing, my Angel of Darkness!

DEIDARA
He's there,
the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(He begins to vocalise strangely, his song becoming
more and more extravagant, but pauses.)

DEIDARA

Are we there yet?

TOBI

No.

DEIDARA

Are we there yet?

TOBI

NO.

DEIDARA (Seductively.)

If I flash my thighs, possibly more, would we get there faster?

TOBI (Extremely happy.)

YES!

DEIDARA
Too bad bitch.

Scene 5
BEYOND THE LAKE THE NEXT MORNING/OR SO YOU THINK.

(Finally they arrive in the TOBI'S lair. Downstage
the candles in the lake lift up revealing giant
candelabrums outlining the space. The boat turns into a
bed. There is a huge pipe organ. The TOBI sits at
the organ and takes over the accompaniment)

TOBI
I have brought you

to the seat of sweet music's throne.

To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music

Music….

You have come here,

for one purpose, and one alone

Since the moment I first heard you sing,

I have needed you with me,

to serve me, to sing,

for my music...

My music...

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.

Silently the senses abandon their defences

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.

Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender.

Turn your face away from the garish light of day,

Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -

and listen to the music of the night...

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!

Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!

Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!

And you'll live as you've never lived before,

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you

Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you

Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,

in this darkness that you know you cannot fight,

the darkness of the music of the night.

Let your mind start a journey

through a strange, new world!

Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!

Let your soul take you where you long to be!

Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!

Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation!

Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in

To the power of the music that I write

The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight,

Help me make the music of the night!

(During all this, the TOBI has conditioned
DEIDARA to the coldness of his touch and his fingers
are brave enough to stray to the mask and caress it, with
no hint of removing it. The TOBI leads him to a
large mirror from which he removes a dust cover and in
which we see the image of DEIDARA, a perfect wax-
face impression, wearing a wedding gown. DEIDARA
moves slowly towards it mouthing "I'm a guy." when suddenly the image thrusts
its hands through the mirror towards him. He sets it ablaze. The
TOBI K.O.'s him and carries him to the bed, where
he lays him down.)

TOBI
You alone can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night . . .

Scene 6
THE NEXT MORNING
(As the light brightens, we see the TOBI seated at a toy piano playing with furious concentration. He breaks
off occasionally to write the music down. There is a
musical box in the shape of a cymbal playing puppet beside the bed.
Mysteriously, it plays as DEIDARA
wakes up. The music keeps him in a half-trance)

DEIDARA
I remember
there was mist . . .
swirling mist
upon a vast, glassy lake . . .

There were candles
all around
and on the lake there
was a boat,
and in the boat
there was a good boy . . .

(He rises and approaches the TOBI who does not
see him. As he reaches for his mask, he turns, almost
catching him. This happens several times)

Who was that shape
in the shadows?
Whose is the face
in the mask?

(He finally succeeds in tearing the mask from his face.
The TOBI springs up and rounds on her furiously.
He clearly sees his face. The audience does not, as he is
standing in profile and in shadow)

DEIDARA

Holy shit! Itachi!

ZETSU

CUT! STOP THE STORY! (ZETSU walks on stage, furious.)

ZETSU

Not was not in the script. Are you crazy? I did not write that! Get it right please! (Opera resumes.)

DEIDARA

Holy shit!

TOBI
Damn you!
You little prying
Puma!
You little terrorist -
is this what you wanted to see?

Curse you!
You little Lying
Donkey!
You little viper!
now you cannot ever be free!

Damn you . . .
Curse you . . .

(a pause)

Stranger
than you dreamt it -
can you even
dare to look
or bear to
think of me:
this loathsome
gargoyle, who
burns in health food, but secretly
yearns for cookies,
secretly . . .
secretly . . .

But, Deidara . . .

Fear can
Turn to love - you'll
learn to see, to
find the man
behind the
monster: this . . .
repulsive
carcass, who
seems a beast, but secretly
dreams of beauty,
secretly . . .
secretly . . .

Oh, Deidara . . .

DEIDARA

Are you sure you're sane?

TOBI

The Tobi is a good Phantom!

(He holds out his hand tor the mask, which he gives to
him. He puts it on, turning towards the audience as he
sings):

Come we must return -
those two genin
who run my theatre
will be missing you.

(The lair sinks into the floor as the TOBI and
DEIDARA leave)

Scene 7
BACKSTAGE/ OROCHIMARU SCARES SOME TEEN GIRLS.
(OROCHIMARU mysteriously appears, a length of fabric
serving as a cloak, and a piece of rope as the Punjab
lasso. He is showing off to the BALLET GIRLS)

OROCHIMARU
Like yellow parchment
is his skin . . .
a great black hole serves as his one eye . . .

(Demonstrating his method of self-defence against the
Punjab lasso, he inserts his hand between his neck and
the noose, and then pulls the rope taut. With a mixture of
horror and delight, the BALLET GIRLS applaud this
demonstration)

(explaining to them)
You must be always
on your guard,
or he will catch you with his
magical lasso!

(A trap opens up centre stage casting a shadow of the
TOBI as he emerges. The GIRLS, linking hands,
run off terrified. The TOBI, leading DEIDARA,
fixes his stare on OROCHIMARU. Sweeping his cape around
DEIDARA, he exits with her But before they go KAKAZU
has entered, observing. He turns on OROCHIMARU)

KAKAZU
Those who speak
of what they know
find, too late, that prudent
silence is wise.
Orochimaru,
hold your tongue
he will drown you with the
water style he knows . . .

Scene 8
THE MANAGERS' OFFICE/LETTERS TO THE DUMB
(Desk, chairs, papers. NARUTO is scornfully eyeing a
newspaper article)

NARUTO
"Mystery
after gala night,"
if says, "Mystery
of soprano's flight!"

"Mystified
baffled Surete say,
we are mystified -
we suspect foul play!"

(He lowers the paper)

Bad news on
soprano scene -
first Konan,
now Deidara!
Still, at least
the seats get sold
gossip's worth
its weight in gold . . . (quickly adds under his breath "Gold naked women that is.")

What a way to
run a business!
Spare me these
unending trials!
Half your cast disappears,
but the crowd still cheers!
Opera!
To hell with Gluck and Handel -
It's a scandal that'll
pack 'em in the aisles!

(SASUKE bursts in, in a temper)

SASUKE
Damnable!
Will they all walk out?
This is damnable!

NARUTO
Sasuke, please don't shout . . .

It's publicity!
And the take is vast!
Free publicity!

SASUKE
But we have no cast . . .

NARUTO (calmly)
What joo talkin' bout?

But wait Sasuke,
have you seen the queue?

(He has been sorting mail on his desk. Finding the two
letters from the TOBI):

Oh, it seems
you've got one too . . .

(He hands the letter to SASUKE, who opens it and reads):

SASUKE
"Dear Sasuke
what a charming gala!

I wouldn't expect less from a Uchiha! (SASUKE twitches.)
Deidara enjoyed a great success!
We were hardly bereft
when Konan left -
otherwise
the chorus was entrancing,
but the dancing was a
lamentable mess!"

NARUTO (reading his)
"Dear Naruto,
just a brief reminder:
my salary has not been paid.
Send it care of the ninja,
by return of post
P.T.O.:
No-one likes a debtor,
so it's better if my
orders are obeyed!"

NARUTO/SASUKE
Who would have the gall
to send this?
Someone with a puerile brain!

NARUTO (examining both letters)
These are both signed "A.G.B." . . .

SASUKE
Who the hell is he?

BOTH (immediately realizing)
A Good Boy!

NARUTO (unamused)
It's really not amusing!

SASUKE
He's abusing
our position!

NARUTO
In addition
he wants candy!

SASUKE
He's a funny
sort of spectre . . .

BOTH
. . . to expect a
large retainer!
Nothing plainer -
he is clearly quite insane!

(They are interrupted by the arrival of SASORI, who
brandishes another of the TOBI'S notes)

SASORI
Where is he?

SASUKE
You mean Konan?

SASORI
I mean Mister Daae -
where is he?

NARUTO
Well, how should we know?

SASORI
I want an answer -
I take it that you sent me this note?

NARUTO
What's all this nonsense?

SASUKE
Of course not!

NARUTO
Don't look at us!

SASORI
He's not with you, then?

NARUTO
Of course not!

SASUKE
We're in the dark . . .

SASORI
Monsieur, don't argue -
Isn't this the
letter you wrote?

NARUTO
And what is it, that we're
meant to have wrote?

(Realizing his mistake)

Written !
(SASORI hands the note to SASUKE, who reads it)

SASUKE
"Do not fear for Mister Daae.
The Angel of Darkness
has him under his wing.
Make no attempt to see him again."

(The MANAGERS look mystified)

SASORI
If you didn't write it, who did?

(KONAN bursts in. She too has a letter, which has
cheered her no more than the others)

KONAN
Where is he?

SASUKE
Ah, welcome back!

KONAN
Your precious patron -
where is he?

SASORI
What is it now?

KONAN (to SASORI)
I have your letter -
a letter which I
rather resent!

NARUTO (to SASORI)
And did you send it?

SASORI
Of course!

NARUTO
What!

SASORI

I sent her a letter describing, at length how Itachi Uchiha, due to near blindness, was not to work the sound, and was taking over for the managers with Kisame!

KONAN
So didn't send this letter about me being warned?

SASORI
Of course not!

NARUTO
What's going on . . .? Why are we fired? (Is dragged off screen.)

ITACHI (Off camera)

No questions, move it! (ITACHI takes over his role, as KISAME takes SASUKE's)

Hey Boss! We got the nine tails!

PEIN (appearing suddenly)

Good! Seal it up!

KONAN (ignoring them and motioning to SASORI)
You dare to tell me,
that this is not the
letter you sent ? !

SASORI
And what is it that I'm
meant to have sent?

(SASORI takes the letter and reads it)

"Your days
at the Opera Pimpulaire are numbered.
Deidara Daae
will be singing on your behalf tonight.
Be prepared
for a great misfortune,
should you attempt
to take his place.

P.S. Your art SUCKS. Paper butterflies are for pansies."

(The MANAGERS are beginning to tire of the intrigue)

KISAME/ITACHI
Far too many
notes for my taste -
and most of them
about Deidara!
All we've heard since we came
is Miss Daae's name . . .

(KAKAZU suddenly appears, accompanied by HIDAN)

KAKAZU
Miss Daae has returned. And he's a boy! Geez…

ITACHI (drily)
I trust her midnight oil
is well and truly burned.

KISAME
Where precisely is she now?

KAKAZU(Irately, as Deidara is a guy.)
I thought it best
that he went home . . .

HIDAN
He needed rest. And if you bug her, it's your own m*****f***ing fault!

SASORI
May I see him?

KAKAZU

Did you not hear swearboy?
No, monsieur,
he will see no-one.

KONAN
Will he sing?
Will he sing?

KAKAZU
Here, I have a note . . .

SASORI/KONAN/KISAME
Let me see it!

ITACHI (snatching it)
Please! You don't have enough hate to read this.

(In the wings, ZETSU bangs his head against the wall.)

ITACHI (Opens the letter and reads. The TOBI'S
voice gradually takes over)
"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the
most amiable nature, detailing how my theatre is to be
run. You have not followed my instructions.
I shall give you one last chance . . ."

TOBI'S VOICE (taking over)
Deidara Daae has returned to you,
and I am anxious his career
should progress.
In the new production of "Il Muto",
you will therefore cast Konan
as the Pageboy, and put Mister Daae
in the role of Countess.
The role which Mister Daae plays
calls for charm and appeal.
The role of the Pageboy is silent -
which makes my casting,
in a word
ideal.

I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in
the snack bar, which will be kept empty for me. Should
these commands be ignored, a disaster beyond your
imagination will occur. And I want a lollipop.

ITACHI (taking over)
"I remain, Gentlemen,
Your obedient servant, A.G.B."

KONAN
Deidara!

KISAME
Whatever next . . .?

KONAN
It's all a ploy to help Deidara!

ITACHI
This is insane . . .

KONAN
I know who sent this:
(pointing an accusing finger)
The Pimp - her lover!

ZETSU (Suddenly popping out from the wings.)

You're pointing at me! And he's a BOY.

SASORI (resuming ironically)
Indeed?
(to the OTHERS)
Can you believe this?

KISAME
YES!

KISAME (to KONAN, in protest)
Signora!

KONAN (half to the MANAGERS, half to herself)
O traditori!

ITACHI (to KONAN)
This is a joke!

KISAME
This changes nothing!

KONAN
O mentitori!

ITACHI
Signora!

KISAME
You are our star!

ITACHI
And always will be!

KISAME
Signora . . .

ITACHI
The man is mad!

KISAME
We don't take orders!

(PEIN suddenly appears again.)

PEIN

Go catch the 5 tails.

KISAME

Yes sir.

ITACHI (announcing it to EVERYONE)
Miss Daae will be playing
the Pageboy - the silent role . . .

KISAME/ITACHI
Konan will be playing
the lead!

KONAN (waxing melodramatic)
It's useless trying to
appease me!
You're only saying this
to please me!
Signori, e vero?
Non, non, non voglio udire !
Lasciatemi morire!
O padre mio!
Dio!

HIDAN

What the hell did she say?

KAKAZU

Who cares?
Who scorn his word,
beware to those . . .

KONAN (to MANAGERS)
You have reviled me!

KAKAZU
The angel sees,
the angel knows . . .

SASORI
Why did Deidara
fly from my arms . . .?

KONAN
You have rebuked me!

KISAME/ITACHI
Signora, pardon us . . .

KONAN
You have replaced me!

KISAME/ITACHI
Please, Signora,
we beseech you . . .

KAKAZU
This hour shall see
your darkest fears . . .

HIDAN/SASORI
I must see him . . .

KONAN
Abbandonata!
Deseredata!
0, sventurata!

KAKAZU (Trying to ignore fake words said by KONAN)
The angel knows,
the angel hears . . .

SASORI
Where did he go . . .?

KONAN
Abbandonata!
Disgraziata!

KISAME/ITACHI
Signora, sing for us!
Don't be a martyr . . .

SASORI/KAKAZU/HIDAN
What new surprises
lie in store . . .?

KISAME/ITACHI
Our star . . .!

KONAN
Non vo' cantar!

(ALL look at KONAN, as the MANAGERS approach
her lovingly)

KISAME
Your public needs you!

ITACHI
We need you, too!

KONAN (unassuaged)
Would you not
rather have your
precious little
ingenue?

KISAME/ITACHI
Signora, no! (Yes.)
the world wants you!

(The MANAGERS adopt their most persuasive attitudes, which are pretty weak in KISAME's case.)

KISAME/ITACHI
Prima donna
first lady of the stage!
Your devotees
are on their knees
to implore you!

KISAME
Can you bow out
when they're shouting
your name?

ITACHI
Think of how they all
adore you!

BOTH
Prima donna,
enchant us once again!

KISAME
Think of your art . . .

ITACHI
And of the queues ($$$ Go off in his head.)
round the theatre!

BOTH
Can you deny us the triumph
in store?
Sing, prima donna, once more!

(KONAN registers her acceptance as the
MANAGERS continue to cajole and the OTHERS reflect
variously on the situation)

SASORI (Yes, he's still here.)
Deidara spoke of an angel . . .

KONAN (to herself, in triumph)
Prima donna
your song shall live again!

KISAME/ITACHI (to KONAN)
Think of your public!

KONAN
You took a snub
but there's a public
who needs you!

KAKAZU (referring to DEIDARA, while $$ go off in his head too.)
He has heard the voice
of the angel of music . . .

SASUKE/ITACHI (to KONAN)
Those who hear your voice
liken you to an angel!

KONAN
Think of their cry
of undying
support !

SASORI
Is this his angel of music . . .?

KISAME (to ITACHI)
We get our opera . . .

ITACHI (to KISAME)
He gets his limelight!

KONAN
Follow where the limelight
leads you!

HIDAN
Is this ghost
an angel or a madman . . .?

SASORI
Angel or madman . . .?

KISAME/ITACHI (aside)
Leading ladies are a trial!

HIDAN
Heaven help you,
those who doubt . . .

KONAN
You'll sing again,
and to unending
ovation!

SASORI
Orders! Warnings!
Lunatic demands!

HIDAN
This miscasting
will invite damnation . . .

KISAME/ITACHI
Tears . . . oaths . . .
Lunatic demands
are regular occurrences!

HIDAN
Slaughter or damnation?
Which has claimed him . . .?

KONAN
Think how you'll shine
in that final encore!
Sing, prima donna,
once more!

KAKAZU
Oh fools, to have flouted his warnings!

SASORI
Surely, for his sake . . .

HIDAN
Surely he'll strike back . . .

KISAME/ITACHI
Surely there'll be further scenes -
worse than this! And longer too!

KAKAZU
Think, before
these demands are rejected!

SASORI
. . .I must see
these demands are rejected! WITH MUSKETS AND SHIT! And a couple of puppets.

HIDAN
. . . if his threats
and demands are rejected Jashin shall strike!

KISAME/ITACHI
Who'd believe a diva
happy to relieve a chorus girl,
who's gone and slept with the pimp?
Sasori and the soubrette,
entwined in love's duet!
Although he may demur,
he must have been with her!

HIDAN/SASORI
Deidara is a dude!/I never slept with him!

KONAN
0, fortunata!
Non ancor
abbandonata!

KISAME/ITACHI
You'd never get away
with all this in a play,
but if it's loudly sung
and in a foreign tongue
it's just the sort of story
audiences adore,
in fact a perfect opera! (ZETSU, in the wings, smiles mouthing "That's what I'm doing.")

SASORI
His game is over!

KAKZU
This is a game
you cannot hope to win!

SASORI
And in the Snack Bar
a new game will begin . . .

KAKAZU
For, if his curse is on this opera . . .

HIDAN
But if his curse is on this opera . . .

KISAME/ITACHI
Prima donna
the world is at your feet!
A nation waits,
and how it hates
to be cheated!

KONAN
The stress that falls upon a
famous prima donna!
Terrible diseases,
coughs and colds and sneezes!
Still, the dryest throat
will reach the highest note,
in search of perfect
opera!

HIDAN/KAKAZU
. . . then I fear the outcome will be terrible, filled with stupid things. . .

SASORI
Deidara plays the Pageboy,
Konan plays the Countess . . .

KAKAZU
. . . should you dare to . .

HIDAN
. . . when you once again . . .

ALL
Light up the stage
with that age old
rapport!
Sing, prima donna,
once more!

TOBI'S VOICE
So, it is to be war between us! If these demands are not
met, a disaster beyond your imagination will occur!

ALL
Once more!

Scene 9

A PERFORMANCE OF 'MUTO IL' BY BALARIZZIO/ OUR OPERA FALLS APART
(During the overture SASORI, KISAME and ITACHI take
their respective seats - SASORI in the Snack Bar, the
MANAGERS in a box opposite)

SASORI
Gentlemen, if you would care to take your seats? I shall
be sitting in the Popcorn maker.

KISAME
Do you really think that's wise, monsieur? You'll get butter on yourself!

SASORI
My dear Kisame, there would appear to be no seats
available, other than the Snack Bar, and butter is no problem . . .

(The front cloth rises to reveal an 18th Century salon, a
canopied bed centre-stage. The COUNTESS is played by
KONAN. SEPHIRIMO, the page boy, is disguised as
her maid and is played by DEIDARA. At this point they
are hidden behind the drapes of the bed, which are drawn.

In the room are TWO EPICENE MEN: one a
HAIRDRESSER and one a JEWELLER. The
JEWELLER is attended by HIDAN. There is also TEMARI, the COUNTESS' confidante. All a part from
HIDAN are gossiping with relish about he COUNTESS'
current liaison with SEPHIRIMO. Or possibly, whether or not people will ever come to an opera again, judging by the costumes worn.)

TEMARI
They say that this youth
has set my Lady's
heart aflame! (Whips out her fan.)

KANKURO
His Lordship sure
would die of shock! (Pulls out a taser.)

GAARA (Emotionlessly.)
His Lordship is
a laughing-stock!

TEMARI
Should he suspect her
God protect her!

TEMARI/KANKURO
Shame! Shame! Shame! (GAARA: BLOOD BLOOD, BLOOD, GIVE ME BLOOD.)

This faithless lady's
bound for Hades!
Shame! Shame! Shame! (KANKURO: Strings bind us together.)

(The canopy drapes part and we see the COUNTESS
kissing SEPHIRIMO passionately. As the recitative
begins, the lights and music dim on stage, and our
attention turns to the MANAGERS in their box)

IN THE BOX

KISAME
Nothing like the old operas!

ITACHI
Or the old scenery . . .

KISAME
The old singers . . . and they truly are..

ITACHI
The old audience . . . which are very old..

KISAME
And every seat sold!

ITACHI
Hardly a disaster beyond all imagination! (Nuclear bomb nearly hits them, but soars over their heads and kills the three tails, freeing the Sanbi.)

(They chuckle and radio SASORI in the snack bar.
He acknowledges them.)

ON STAGE

COUNTESS (KONAN)
Sephirimo - your disguise is perfect.

(A knock at the door)

Who can this be?

COUNT WOODS (PEIN)
Gentle wife, admit your loving
husband.

ATTENTION BACK ON STAGE
(The COUNTESS admits COUNT WOODS. He is an old fool)

COUNT WOODS
My love - I am called to England on affairs of State, and
must leave you with your new maid. (Aside) Though I'd
happily take
the maid with me. (Silence.)

COUNTESS (aside)
The old fool's leaving!

COUNT WOODS (aside)
I suspect my young bride is untrue to me. I shall not
leave, but shall hide over there to observe her! Come Gein, Kein! (Two look a likes, at least to a degree, appear.)

COUNT WOODS (to COUNTESS)
Addio!

COUNTESS
Addio!

BOTH (to each other)
Addio!

(He goes, pretending to leave, then hides and
watches the action.)

COUNTESS (KONAN)
Sephirimo - away with this pretence!

(She rips off SEPHIRIMO'S skirt to reveal his manly
breeches. DEIDARA is left in his underwear.)

You cannot speak, but kiss me in my
husband's absence!

Poor fool, he makes me laugh!
Haha,
Haha!
Time I tried to get a better half!

COUNTESS AND SAND SIBLINGS
Poor fool, he doesn't know!
Hoho,
Hoho! etc.
If he knew the truth, he'd never, ever go!

(Suddenly, GAARA is captured by ITACHI, who is wielding a net cannon.)

ITACHI (Radioing PEIN)

Got the one tail sir.

PEIN (Still on stage.)

Drug him and hide him for awhile.

(Suddenly from nowhere, we hear the voice of the
TOBI)

TOBI'S VOICE
Did I not instruct that the Snack Bar was to be kept empty?

HIDAN (terrified)
He's here: the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(General reaction of bewilderment.
DEIDARA looks fearfully about her)

DEIDARA
It's him . . . I know it . . . it's him . . . Oh shit…

KONANA (Finding a scapegoat in DEIDARA,
hisses at her)
Your part is silent, little bomber!

(But the TOBI has heard her)

TOBI'S VOICE
A bomber, madame? Perhaps it is you
who are the bomber . . .

(Again general unease. KONAN and KAKASHI confer and pick up from the opening of the scene)

KONAN (As the COUNTESS)
Sephirimo, away with this pretence!
You cannot speak, but kiss me in my KABOOM!

(Instead of singing she emits a great explosion, singing her face. A
stunned silence. KONAN is as amazed as anyone but
regains herself and continues. More perturbing,
however, is a new sound: the TOBI is laughing -
quietly at first, then more and more hysterically)

KONAN (as the COUNTESS)
Poor fool, he makes me laugh -
Hahahahaha!
Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang, etc.

(As before, the TOBI'S laughter rises. The
explosions continue as the chandelier's lights blink on
and off. The TOBI'S laughter, by this time
overpowering, now crescendos into a great cry):

TOBI'S VOICE
Behold! She is singing to bring down the
chandelier! And the house!

(KONAN looks tearfully up at the MANAGERS ' box
and shakes her head)

KONAN
Non posso piu . . .
I cannot . . . I cannot go on . . .

PEIN (rushing on)
Cara, cara . . . I'm here . . .
is all right . . . Come . . . I'm here . . . (KONAN knocks him on the head with a club.)

(KISAME and ITACHI hurry out of the box onto the
stage. PEIN ushers the now sobbing KONAN
offstage, while the MANAGERS tackle the audience)

ITACHI(Jumping from his box.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the performance will
continue in ten minutes' time . . .

(He addresses the Snack Bar, keeping one eye on the
chandelier as it returns to normal)

. . . when the role of the Countess will be sung by Miss
Deidara Daae. (SASORI shouts "Deidara's a dude!" In the background.)

KISAME (improvising)
In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be
giving you the ballet from Act Three of tonight's opera.

(to KAKSHI)

Maestro - the ballet - now!

(The MANAGERS leave, the stage is cleared and music
starts again. The BALLET GlRLS enter as a sylvan glade
flies in. They begin the Dance of the Country Nymphs.
Upstage, behind the drop, a series of threatening
shadows of the TOBI. {Gasp!} HIDAN is aware of them and
dances out of step. When this culminates in one
gigantic, oppressive, bat-like shadow, the garotted body
of OROCHIMARU BUQUET falls onto the stage, causing the
sylvan glade to fly out. Pandemonium, during which ZETSU is laughing.)

DEIDARA (calling for help)
Sasori! Sasori! I hate you!

(SASORI runs on stage and embraces her)

SASORI (to DIEDARA, leading him away)
Deidara, come with me . . .

DEIDARA (Reluctantly.)
No, to the roof. We'll be safe there.

(DEIADARA and SASORI hurry off)

ITACHI (Attempting to placate the audience as STAGE-
HANDS and POLICEMEN (With muskets.) crowd onto the stage)
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats. Do
not panic. It was an accident . . . simply an accident . . . (Scenery falls away, revealing TEAM HAWK, untying OROCHIMARU and poking him. He is still alive.)

PEIN (Obviously drunk with French vodka)

The sheep! Where are the silly sheep?

Scene 10
THE ROOF OF THE OPERA HOUSE/ GONNA NEED SOME OINTMENT FOR THAT BURN.

(A statue of 'La Victoire Ailee' - the same as that which
tops the proscenium. It is twilight. DEIDARA and
SASORI rush on)

SASORI
Why have you brought us here?

DEIDARA
Don't take me back there!

SASORI
We must return! I left my puppets down there!

DEIDARA
He'll kill me!

SASORI
Be still now . . . if you do die, I'll make you a puppet.

DEIDARA
Your art is flawed. Art is temporary.

SASORI (Angrily)
DEIDARA, don't say that . . .

DEIDARA
Those eyes that burn!

SASORI
Don't even think it . . .

DEIDARA
And if he has to kill
a thousand men - he will!

SASORI
Forget this waking nightmare . . .

DEIADARA
The Tobi of the Opera will kill . . .

SASORI
This Tobi is a fable . . .
Believe me . . .

DEIDARA
. . . and kill again!

SASORI
There is no Tobi of the Opera . . .

DEIDARA (Pointing behind SASORI)
My God, there he is . . .
(The TOBI appears from behind SASORI, Lollipop sword raised to stab him.)

SASORI( Turning around)
My God, who is this man . . .

DEIDARA
. . . who hunts to kill . . .?

SASORI
. . . this mask of death . . .?
(The TOBI is mysteriously staying still, trying to be invisible)

DEIDARA
I can't escape from him . . .

SASORI
Whose is this voice you hear . . .

TOBI
. . .You never will!
(Stabs SASORI. Pauses.)

Why aren't you dead?

SASORI
I can't die bitch! I AM THE REAL PHANTOM!
(DEIDARA punches him.)

I mean, I AM A PUPPET!

(Creepy clown music starts playing. )

BOTH
And in this
labyrinth,
where night is blind
the Tobi of the Opera
is here:
over there . . .

SASORI
There is a Tobi of the Opera . . .

DEIDARA

Sasori, I've been there -
to his world of
unending night . . .
To a world where
the daylight dissolves
into darkness . . .
darkness . . .

Sasori, I've lost my patience!
Can I ever
forget this night?
Can I ever
escape from that mask? (The TOBI looks hurt.)
So orange,
weird, it
was hardly a mask,
in that darkness . . .
darkness . . .

(trancelike, then becoming more and more ecstatic)

But his voice
filled my spirit
with a strange, sweet sound . . .
In that night
there was music
in my mind . . .
And through music
my soul began
to soar!
And I heard
as I'd never
heard before . . .

SASORI
What you heard
was a dream
and nothing more . . .

DEIDARA
Yet in his eyes
all the sadness
of the world . . .
Those pleading eyes,
that both threaten
and adore . . .

TOBI

Am I here at all?

SASORI(comforting)
Deidara . . .
Deidara . . .

TOBI (Disappears, a ghostly echo of SASORI's words)
Deidara. . .

DEIDARA
What was that? Where did he go?

(A moment, as their eyes meet. The mood changes.)

SASORI
No more talk
of darkness,
Forget these
wide-eyed fears.
I'm here,
nothing can harm you -
my words will
warm and calm you.

Let me be
your freedom,
let daylight
dry -your tears.
I'm here,
with you, beside you,
to guard you
and to guide you . . .

DEIDARA (Losing his mind)
Was it real? Do I care? What will happen in the night? (Bomb explodes under stage, revealing the TOBI hiding behind a statue.)

TOBI

Whoops. (He then falls off the roof, and we hear a crunch, after which a mushroom cloud appears, blowing him back up onto the stage.)

SASORI
Let me be
your shelter,
let me
be your light.
You're safe:
No-one will find you,
your fears are
far behind you . . .

DEIDARA
All I want
is freedom,
a world with
no more night . . .
and you
always beside me
to help me
and to hide me . . .

SASORI
Then say you'll share with
me one
Organization, one lifetime . . .
Let me lead you
from your solitude . . .

Say you need me
with you
here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
Deidara,
that's all I ask
of you . . .

DEIDARA
Say you'll never say that again, and I will follow you . . .

BOTH
Share each day with
me, each mission, each capture . . .

DEIDARA
Say you will join the Akatsuki . . .

SASORI
You know I will . . .

BOTH
Join me -
that's all I ask
of you . . .

(They shake on it.)

Anywhere you go
let me go too . . .

Join me -
that's all I ask
of you . .

(DEIDARA starts from her reverie)

DEIDARA
I must go -
they'll wonder where I am . . .
wait for me, Sasori!

SASORI
Deiadara, I love you!

DEIDARA (Not listening.)
Order your fine horses!
Be with them at the door!

SASORI
And soon you'll be beside me!

DEIDARA
You'll guard me, and you'll guide me . . .

(They hurry off. The TOBI emerges from the floor of the stage.)

TOBI
I gave you my music . . .
made your song take wing . . .
and now, how you've
repaid me:
denied me
and betrayed me . . .
He was bound to love you
when he heard you sing . . .

Deidara...
Deidara ...

SASORI/DEIDARA (offstage)
Say you'll share with
me one job, one organization . . .
say the word
and I will follow you . . .

Share each day with
me, each
capture, each mission . . .

TOBI (Outraged! OMG!)
You will curse the day
you did not do
all that the Tobi asked
of you . . .! (Faces the city, away from camera, and rips off his mask.)

TOBI( Very different voice)

I shall dry my eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride

For heaven shall remember my cursed name..

And I promise they will never see, the face under my mask,

(My mask is glued.)

I will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for doom draws near

And hiding will do no good..

With noble acts, the bravest souls

Shall never see me fall

Discard regret, that in this debt

A better world is made

That children that read this story might remember

And avoid my face or reading this..

(I've waited all day in the pouring rain, but nobody came, no, nobody came)

And in the fury of this darkest hour

I will be the reaper!

You've asked me for my sacrifice

And I am Madara!

Without denying, a fate is come

That I will never know

I hear the devils call my name

AND I AM MADARA!

(As the roof of the opera house disappears, the opera
curtain closes and the PRINCIPALS in 'Muto Il' appear
through it for their bows, DEIDARA conspicuously
dressed in KONAN'S costume. simultaneously, we
hear the maniacal laughter of the TOBI and see him
high above the stage, perilously rocking the chandelier. He appears to be thinking it's a horse.
The lights of the
chandelier begin flickering and, at a great cry from him,
it descends, swinging more and more madly over the
orchestra pit. He loves this, and pulls out a conductor's baton.)

TOBI
Go!!

(The chandelier falls to the stage at DEIDARA'S feet)

END OF ACT 1 (OMG! IT'S FINALLY HALF-WAY DONE!)

ACT 2
Scene 1
THE STAIRCASE OF THE OPERA HOUSE/WE LOSE CONTROL

(A gauze half conceals the tableau of guests at the
opera ball. The guests (whom we cannot yet see
clearly) are in fancy dress, a peacock, a lion, a
dragon, Mephistopheles, a highwayman, a clown,
knights, ladies, an executioner. KISAME enters.
He is dressed as a weasel in an opera cape. Almost
immediately ITACHI arrives. He is dressed
as a shark in an opera cape. The two animals see
each other and approach nervously)

KISAME
Master Itachi?

ITACHI

Stupid Kisame?

(Each raises his mask to the other. They recognise each
other.)

ITACHI
Dear Kisame
what a splendid party!

ITACHI
The prologue
to a bright new organization!

ITACHI
Quite a night!
I'm impressed!

KISAME
Well, one does
one's best . . .

KISAME/ITACHI (raising their glasses)
Here's to us!

ITACHI
I must say, all the same, that
it's a shame that 'Tobi'
fellow isn't here!

(The gauze lifts fully to reveal the staircase of the
opera house. The opera ball begins. Among the
GUESTS are four carrying strange percussion
instruments: a monkey with cymbals, a toy soldier
with a drum, a triangle, and bells. Together they play
weirdly throughout)

CHORUS
Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around -
there's another
mask behind you!

Flash of mauve . . .
Splash of puce . . .
Fool and king . . .
Ghoul and goose . . .
Green and black . . .
Queen and priest . . .
Trace of rouge . . .
Face of beast . . .

Faces . . .
Take your turn, take a ride
on the merry-go-round . . .
in an inhuman race . . .

Eye of gold . . .
Thigh of blue . . .
True is false . . .
Who is who . . .?
Curl of lip . . .
Swirl of gown . . .
Ace of hearts . . .
Face of clown . . .

Faces . . .
Drink it in, drink it up,
till you've drowned
in the light . . .
in the sound . . .

SASORI/DEIDARA
But who can name the face . . .?

ALL
Masquerade!
Grinning yellows,
spinning reds . . .
Masquerade!
Take your fill -
let the spectacle
astound you!

Masquerade!
Burning glances,
turning heads . . .
Masquerade!
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

Masquerade!
Seething shadows
breathing lies . . .
Masquerade!
You can fool
any friend who
ever knew you!

Masquerade!
Leering satyrs,
peering eyes . . .
Masquerade!
Run and hide -
but a face will
still pursue you!

(The ENSEMBLE activity becomes background, as
KISAME, ITACHI, HIDAN, KAKAZU, PEIN and KONAN
come to the fore, glasses in hand)

KAKAZU
What a night!

HIDAN
What a crowd! And why the f*** am I wearing a dress?

KISAME
Makes you glad!

HIDAN

NICE TRY BOZO.

ITACHI
Makes you proud! (HIDAN mouths "Proud? How?")
All the creme
de la creme!

KONAN
Watching us watching them!

HIDAN/KAKAZU
And all our fears
are in the past!

KISAME
Six months...

PEIN
Of relief!

KONAN
Of delight!

KISAME/ITACHI
Of Elysian peace!

HIDAN/KAKAZU
And we can breathe at last!

KONAN
No more notes!

PEIN
No more ninja!

KAKAZU
Here's a health!

KISAME
Here's a toast:
to a prosperous year! And the Akatsuki!

ITACHI
To the new chandelier! And the anniversary of my clan's death! (Looks ecstatic.)

PEIN/KONAN
And may its
splendour never fade!

ITACHI
Six months!

KAKAZU
What a joy!

HIDAN
What a change!

ITACHI/KISAME
What a blessed release! (They both pass gas.)

KISAME
And what a masquerade! (Several dancers break their legs and kill their partners.)

(They clink glasses and move off SASORI and
DEIDARA emerge. He is admiring a new acquisition:
an Akatsuki ring from PEIN, which he has
attached to a finger.)

DEIDARA
Think of it!
A secret organization!
Look - your future assistant!
Just think of it!

SASORI
But why is it secret?
What have we to hide?

DEIDARA
Please, let's not fight . . . we'll fight about art later.

SASORI
Deidara, you're free!

DEIDARA
Wait till the time is right . . .

SASORI
When will that be?
It's an agreement,
not a crime!

DEIDARA

We're all S-ranked Criminals. I think it's a crime.

SASORI
Deidara,
What are you
afraid of?

DEIDARA
Let's not argue . . .

SASORI
Let's not argue . . .

DEIDARA
Please pretend . . .

SASORI
I can only hope I'll . . .

DEIDARA
You will . . .

BOTH
. . . understand
in time . . .

(Dance section, in which DEIDARA, almost
coquettish almost jittery, goes from man to man. But too
many of her partners seem to be replicas of the
TOBI, {Is that even possible?} and each spins him with increasing force.
Eventually SASORI rescues him and holds him tightly. He
whirls him back into the dance, as the music heads
towards its climax.)

ALL
Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade!
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Masquerade!
Every face a different shade!
Masquerade!
Look around -
There's another
mask behind you!

Masquerade!
Burning glances,
turning heads . . .
Masquerade!
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

Masquerade!
Grinning yellows,
spinning reds . . .
Masquerade!
Take your fill -
let the spectacle
astound you!

(At the height of the activity a grotesque figure suddenly
appears at the top of the staircase. Dressed all in
crimson, with a death's head visible inside the hood of
his robe, the TOBI has come to the party. With
dreadful wooden steps he descends the stairs and takes the
centre of the stage)

TOBI
Why so silent, good messieurs?
Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed me, good messieurs?
I have written you an opera!

(He takes from under his robe an enormous bound
manuscript.)

Here I bring the finished score -
"The Good Boy Triumphant" !

(He throws it to KISAME)

I advise you
to comply -
my instructions
should be clear -
Remember
there are worse things
than a shattered chandelier . . .

KISAME

This is Make-out violence.

(The TOBI runs up and takes it. He replaces it with the opera.)

TOBI

My mistake.

(DEIDARA, mesmerized, approaches as the
TOBI beckons him. He reaches out, grasps the
chain that holds the secret Akatsuki ring, and makes his hand disappear.)

TOBI (Due to weakness of Sharingan, illusions are useful.)
Your chains are still mine -
you will sing for me!

(ALL cower in suspense as the music crescendos, until
suddenly, his figure evaporates and falls through the floor.)

TOBI

OW!

(SASSORI jumps in after him. He lands in Candyland.)

SASORI

DA HECK IS WITH THIS PLACE? (It's a Small World starts playing. OMG)

SASORI

THE HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS… Mom taking me to Disneyland, the fascination of the puppets…. One exploding in my face… The puppets swimming to our boat…. Their tiny knives gleaming…

KAKAZU

Get a hold of yourself man!

(He has appeared from doorway behind SASORI labeled Exit of Sasori's nightmare)

Follow me.

Scene 2
BACKSTAGE

(KAKAZU is hurrying across. SASORI appears and calls
after him)

SASORI
Master Giry. Master Giry . . .

KAKAZU
Monsieur, don't ask me - I know no more than
anyone else.

(He moves off again. He stops him)

SASORI
That's not true. You've seen something, haven't
you ?

KAKAZU (uneasily)
I don't know what I've seen . . . Please don't ask me,
monsieur . . .

SASORI (desperately)
Dude, for all our sakes . . .

KAKAZU (He has glanced nervously about him and
suddenly deciding to trust him, cuts in):
Very well. It was years ago. There was a travelling
fair in the city. Tumblers, conjurors, human
oddities . . .

SASORI
From Suna?

KAKAZU (trance-like, as he retraces the past)
Yes, now the puppets were ugly, but the pyrotechnics were great.

And there was . . . I shall never forget him: a man . .
locked in a cage . . .

SASORI
In a cage . . ?

KAKAZU
A prodigy, monsieur! Scholar, architect, musician. A Good Boy.

SASORI (piecing together the jigsaw)
A Good Boy . . .

KAKAZU
And a Kage too, monsieur. They boasted he
had once built in his village a maze of
mirrors . . .

SASORI (mystified and impatient, cuts in)
Who was this man . . .?

KAKAZU (with a shudder)
A weird being . . .
more child
than man . . .

SASORI (a murmur)
Deformed . . .?

KAKAZU
No, just missing an eye . . .

SASORI
My God . . .

KAKAZU
And then . . . he went missing. He escaped.

SASORI
Go on.

KAKAZU
They never found him
it was said he
had died . . .

SASORI (darkly)
But he didn't die, did he?

KAKAZU
The world forgot him,
but I never can . . .
For in this darkness
I have seen him again . . .

SASORI
And so our
Tobi's this man . . .

KAKAZU (starts from his daze and turns to go)
I have said too much, monsieur. It hurts me, as I needed him to get rich.

(He moves off into the surrounding blackness)

And there have been too many accidents . . .

SASORI (ironical)
Accidents?!

KAKAZU (Not listening.)
So much money . . .

(And, before he can question him further, he has
disappeared)

SASORI (running after him)
Master Giry . . .!

Scene 3
THE MANAGERS ' OFFICE

(The TOBI'S score lies open on the desk.
KISAME is impatiently flicking through it)

KISAME
Ludicrous!
Have you seen the score?

ITACHI (entering)
Simply awesome!

KISAME
SAY WHAT?

ITACHI
This is brilliant!
Well, you know my views . . .

KISAME
Utter lunacy!

ITACHI
But we daren't refuse . . .

KISAME (groans)
Not another
chandelier . . .

ITACHI
Look, my friend, what
we have here . . .

(He has two notes from the TOBI, one of which he
hands to KISAME, who opens it and reads):

KISAME
"Dear Shark butt,
Re my orchestrations:
We need another first bassoon.
Get a player with tone -
and that third trombone
has to go!
The man could not be deafer,
so please preferably one
who plays in tune!"

ITACHI (reading his letter)
"Dear Weasel head,
vis a vis my opera:
some chorus-members must be sacked.
If you could, find out which
has a sense of pitch -
wisely, though,
I've managed to assign a
rather minor role to those
who cannot act! "

(They are interrupted by the arrival of KONAN and
PEIN both furiously brandishing similar notes)

KONAN
Outrage!

ITACHI
What is it now?

KONAN
This whole affair is
an outrage!

KONAN
Signora, please . . .

KISAME
Now what's the matter?

KONAN
Have you seen
the size of my dress?

KISAME (Lying, as he made it that size.)
No Signora . . .

PEIN
It's an insult! She has a bigger butt then that! (KONAN punches him.)

ITACHI
Not you as well!

PEIN
Just look at her butt -
it's an insult!

ITACHI
Please, understand . . .

KISAME
Signor! Signora!

KONAN
The things I have
to do for my art!

PEIN (stabbing a finger at the open score)
If you .an call
this gibberish "art" !

(SASORI and DEIDARA enter: KONAN aims a gun at their heads.)

KONAN (dryly)
Ah! Here's our little flower!

ITACHI
Ah Miss Daae
quite the lady
of the hour!

DEIDARA (Pulling a truckload of C4 out of his jacket.)

FOR THE LAST F***IN' TIME I AM A DUDE!

KISAME (explaining)
Calm down!

You have
secured the largest role
in this "Good Boy".

KONAN (half to herself)
Deidara Daae?
She doesn't have
the voice!

DEIDARA

THAT'S IT! (Bloody brawl ensues, nearly blowing up the office. KONAN nearly dies. DEIADARA is held back by a thin line of chakra.)

SASORI

Aw, and I was having fun controlling them!

ITACHI (hearing this, to SASORI)
Signor, please!

SASORI (to the MANAGERS)
Then I take it
you're agreeing.

KONAN (aside)
She's behind this . . .

KISAME
It appears we have
no choice.

KONAN (unable to contain herself any longer,
points accusingly)
She's the one
behind this!
Deidara Daae!

DEIDARA
PAUSE THE OPERA! (ZETSU walks onto stage.)

ZETSU

Yes?

DEIDARA

I refuse to keep working if they insist on calling me a chick!

ZETSU

Okay, okay. Konan, be kind to Deidara or I'm casting you as the horse in the next scene.

(KONAN shrinks back, scared.)

And that goes for all of you! You all will lose your parts!

(Opera resumes.)

KONAN

I'm not a fool!

DEIDARA
You evil woman!
How dare you!

KONAN
You think I'm blind?

DEIDARA
No, but do you want to be?
I don't want any
part in this foolishness!

ITACHI
Mister Daae, surely . . .

KISAME
But why not?

PEIN (baffled, to KONAN)
What did he say?

ITACHI (reasonably)
It's your decision -

(Suddenly rounding on him)

But why not?

KONAN (to PEIN)
She's backing out!

KISAME
You have a duty!

DEIDARA
I cannot sing it,
duty or not!

SASORI (comforting)
Deidara . . .
Deidara . . .
You are an idiot . . .
Ceiling cat is watching. . .

(HIDAN and KAKAZU arrive, the latter bearing another note
from the TOBI)

KAKAZU
Please, monsieur:
another note.

(The MANAGERS gesture: "read it". As he reads, ALL
react variously, as they are singled out)

KAKAZU
"Fondest greetings
to you all !
A few instructions
just before
rehearsal starts:
Konan must be
taught to act . . . ,"

(The TOBI'S voice gradually takes over
from him. It seems to be hoarse.)

TOBI'S VOICE
. . . not her normal trick
of strutting round the stage.
Our Good Boy must
lose some weight -
it's not healthy in
a man of Pein's age. (Because I do know it.)
And my managers
must learn
that their place is in
an office, not the arts.

As for Mister Deidara Daae . . .
No doubt he'll
do his best - it's
true his voice is
good. He knows, though,
should he wish to excel
he has much still
to learn, if pride will
let him
return to me, his
teacher,
his teacher . . .

Your obedient friend . . .
(The TOBI'S voice fades out and KAKAZU takes over)

KAKAZU
". . . and Angel . . ."

(Attention now focuses on SASORI whose eyes are
suddenly bright with a new thought)

SASORI
We have all been
blind - and yet the
answer is staring us
in the face . . .
This could be the
chance to ensnare our
clever friend . . .

KISAME
I'm not listening . . .

ITACHI
Go on.

SASORI
We shall play his
game - perform his
work - but remember we
hold the ace . . .
For, if Mister Daae
sings, he is certain
to attend . . .

KISAME (carried along by the idea)
We make certain
the doors are barred . . .

ITACHI (likewise)
We make certain
our men are there . . . with muskets and shit…

SASORI
We make certain
they're armed . . . yes with muskets and shit…

SASORI/KISAME/ITACHI (savoring their victory)
The curtain falls -
his reign will end!

(ALL have been listening intently. KAKAZU is the first to
express a reaction. DEIDARA remains silent and
withdrawn)

KAKAZU
Madness!

KISAME
No . . . THIS IS OPERA!

ITACHI
Not really . . .

KAKAZU
This is madness!

KISAME
OPERA!

(KISAME is dragged off stage in a strait jacket. He gets replaced by SUIGETSU.)

KAKAZU
Monsieur, believe me -
there is no way of
turning the tide!

ITACHI (to KAKAZU)
You stick to bounty hunting!

SASORI (rounding on KAKAZU)
Then help us!

KAKAZU
Monsieur, I can't . . .

SASORI
Instead of warning us . . .

SASORI/SUIGETSU/ITACHI
Help us!

KAKAZU
I wish I could . . .

SASORI/SUIGETSU/ITACHI
Don't make excuses!

SASORI
Or could it be that
you're on his side?

KAKAZU (to SASORI)
Monsieur, believe me,
I intend no ill . . . upon him that is. Upon you is a different matter.

(to SUIGETSU and ITACHI)

But messieurs, be careful -
we have seen him kill . . .

SUIGETSU/ITACHI (to KAKAZU)
So have we all!

KONAN
He's the one behind this!
Deidara!
This is all his doing!

PEIN
This is the truth!
Deidara Daae!

SASORI
This is his undoing!

SUIGETSU/ITACHI (to SASORI)
If you succeed
you free us all -
this so called "angel"
has to fall!
(The TOBI hits the stage floor.)

TOBI

Owie. (He quickly runs stage left.)

SASORI
Angel of darkness,
fear my fury -
Here is where you fall! (The TOBI trips running out.)

KAKAZU (to SASORI)
Hear my warning!
Fear his fury!

KONAN
What glory can
he hope to gain?
It's clear to all
the boy's insane!

SUIGETSU (to ITACHI)
Deidara sings
We'll get our man . . .

PEIN
This is crazy!
He is raving!

ITACHI (to SUIGETSU)
If Deidara helps
us in this plan . . .

SASORI
Say your prayers,
black angel of death!

DEIDARA (vainly pleading amidst the tumult)
Please don't . . .

SUIGETSU (to ITACHI)
If Deidara won't,
then no-one can . . .

KAKAZU (to SASORI)
Monsieur, I beg you,
do not do this . . .

PEIN/KONAN
Gran Dio!
Che imbroglio!

SUIGETSU/ITACHI
This will seal his fate!

DEIDARA (bursting through the hubbub with a
great cry)
If you don't stop,
I'll go mad!

(to SASORI, pleading)

Sasori, I'm bothered -
don't even think of doing this . . .
Sasori, you're an idiot-
don't put me through this
ordeal by fire . . .
he'll take me, I know . . .
we'll be parted for ever . . .
he won't let me go . . .

What I once used to dream
I now dread . . .
if he finds me, it won't
ever end . . .
and he'll always be there,
singing songs in my head . . .
he'll always be there,
singing songs in my head . . .

(ALL stare at him)

KONAN
Why are you in the Akatsuki again?

SASORI (to DEIDARA)
You said yourself
he was nothing
but a man . . .

Yet while he lives,
he will haunt us
till we're dead . . .

(DEIDARA turns away unhappily)

DEIDARA
That may sooner than you think,
what answer can I give?
Am I to risk my life,
to win the chance to live?
Can I betray the man
who once inspired my art?
Do I become his prey?
Do I have any choice?

He's silly without a thought,
he murders all that's bad . . .
I know I can't refuse
and yet, I wish I could . . .
Oh God - if I agree,
what horrors wait for me
in this, the Tobi's opera . . .?

SASORI (to DEIDARA, very tenderly)
Deidara, Deidara,
don't think that I don't care -
You're right! When you joined, you made the deal, passed the test, kicked Itachi in the nuts. . .

(DEIDARA, overcome by his conflicting emotions
turns away and hurries out. SASORI strides forward and
addresses an imaginary TOBI)

SASORI
So, it is to be war between us! But this time, clever
friend, the disaster will be yours!

TOBI (Out of nowhere.)

Kiss my awesome ass!

(As lights fade, several Genin stretch a red, velvet rope
across the downstage area. OTHERS bring on gilt chairs.
KONAN, PEIN and KAKAZU move downstage to take
their places for the next scene)

Scene 4
A REHEARSAL FOR GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT/ARE YOU TIRED YET?

(KAKASHI supervises the learning of the new piece from
the piano. Present are PEIN, DEIDARA,
KONAN, KAKAZU and CHORUS)

CHORUS
Hide our sword now wounded knight!
Your vain yet glorious gasconnade
brought you to your final fight
for your pride, high price you've paid!

DEIDARA
Silken couch and hay-filled barn,
both have been his battlefield.

PEIN (Wrong.)
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KAKASHI (stopping him)
No, no, no! Chorus rest, please.

Good Boy, Signor Pein - here is the phrase.

(He demonstrates it)

"Those who tangle with Good Boy . . ."
If you please?

PEIN (still wrong)
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KAKASHI
No, no. Nearly - but no.
"Those who tan, tan, tan . . ."

PEIN (still wrong)
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

KONAN (to the OTHERS)
His way is better. At least he make it sound like
music!

KAKAZU (to KONAN)
Signora - would you speak that way in the
presence of the composer?

KONAN (deaf to the implications of this remark)
The composer is not here. And if he were here, I
would . . .

KAKAZU (cutting in, ominous)
Are you certain of that, Signora . . .? (Pulls out a switchblade.)

KAKASHI
So, once again - after seven.

(He gives the note and counts in)
Five, six, seven . . .

PEIN (wrong again)
Those who tangle with Good Boy . . .

(Gradually EVERYONE starts either to talk or to
practice the phrase simultaneously)

KONAN
Ah, piu non posso! What does it matter what notes
we sing?

KAKAZU
Have patience, Signora.

KONAN
No-one will know if it is right or if it is wrong.
No-one will care if it is right, or if it is wrong.

KONAN (mocking)
Those who tangle
with Good Boy!

PEIN (trying again)
Those who tan . . . tan . . .

(to DEIDARA)
Is right?

DEIDARA (to PEIN)
Not quite, Signor:
Those who tan . . . tan . . .

KAKASHI (attempting lo restore order)
Ladies . . . Signor Pein . . . if you please . . .

(KAKASHI thumps the piano keys, then leaves the piano,
and attempts to attract attention using signals. Al the
height of the mayhem, the piano suddenly begins to
demonstrate the music unaided. It plays with great force
and rhythm. ALL fall silent and freeze then suddenly start
to sing the piece robotically and accurately. It then explodes. As they
continue to stare, DEIDARA moves away from the
group.)

ALL EXCEPT DEIDARA
Poor young maiden! For the thrill
on your tongue of stolen sweets
you will have to pay the bill -
tangled in the winding sheets!

(As the ENSEMBLE becomes background, DEIDARA,
transfixed, sings independently):

DEIDARA
In sleep
he sang to me,
in dreams
he came . . .
that voice
which calls to me
and speaks
my name . . .

(The scene begins to change. Trance-like, DEIDARA
moves slowly upstage. We hear the distant sound of
bells)

Little Lotte
thought of everything and nothing . . .
Her Father promised her
that he would send her the Angel of Darkness . . .
Her father promised her . . .
Her father promised her . . .

Scene 5

A GRAVEYARD/ THE TOBI GETS HIS
(A mausoleum with hanging moss. In the centre a
pyramid of skulls in front of a cross.)

DEIDARA
You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .

Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
won't help me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .

Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .

Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past
just die . . .?

Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .

No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say
goodbye.

(The TOBI emerges from behind the cross)

TOBI (very soft and enticing)
Wandering child . . .
so lost . . .
so helpless . . .
yearning for my
guidance . . .

(Bewildered, DEIDARA looks up, and murmurs
breathlessly):

DEIDARA
Angel . . . or father . . .
friend . . . or
Tobi . . . ?
Who is it there,
staring . . . ?

TBOI (more and more hypnotic)
Have you
forgotten your Angel . . .? I am your father..

DEIDARA
Angel . . . oh, speak . . .
What endless
longings
echo in this
whisper . . .!

(SASORI appears in the shadows and watches for a
moment transfixed)

TOBI (now drawing DEIDARA towards him)
Too long you've wandered
in winter . . .

SASORI (to himself a murmur)
Once again
he is his . . .

TOBI
Far from my
far-reaching gaze . . .

SASORI
Once again
he returns . . .

DEIDARA (increasingly mesmerized)
Wildly my mind
beats against you . . . you are not my father… YOU KILLED HIM!

TOBI (Drawing a lightsaber.)
You resist . . . foolish bitch.

TOBI/DEIDRA
YOU SHALL DIE!

SASORI
. . . to the arms
of his angel . . .
angel or demon . . .
still he calls him . . .
luring him back, from the grave . . .
angel or dark seducer . . .?
Who are you, strange
angel . . .?

TOBI (Really losing it.)
Angel of Darkness!
You denied me,
turning from true beauty . . .
Angel of Darkness!
Do not shun me . . .
Come to your strange
Angel . . . SO I CAN DESTROY YOU! (Twirls lightsaber.)

DEIDARA (Furious.)
Angel of Darkness!
I denied you,
turning from true beauty . . .
Angel of Darkness!
My protector . . .
Come to me, strange
Angel . . . SO FIRE MAY PURGE YOU! (His hands start spewing clay furiously.)

(DEIDRA leaps towards the figure of the
TOBI)

TOBI (beckoning him)
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .

SASORI (suddenly calling out)
Angel of darkness!
Cease this torment! (Pulls out the Jedi Master YODA, who he quickly makes his puppet.)

YODA

Good puppet, I shall be.

(Furiously, the TOBI fights DEIDARA and SASORI, who is controlling YODA.)

TOBI (Now wielding two lightsabers.)
I am your Angel of Darkness . . .
Come to me: Angel of Darkness . . .

SASORI (in desperation)
Deidara! Deidara listen to me!
Whatever you may believe, this man . . .
this thing . . . is not your father!

(to the TOBI)

Let him go! For God's sake, let him go! Deidara !

(Coming out of his rage DEIDARA turns and
mouths the words):

DEIDARA (Angrily.)
Sasori. . .

(He turns to SASORI who embraces him protectively.
The TOBI freezes for a moment and then suddenly
seizes his chance and impales SAASORI'S skull. At a
movement from him a flash of fire streaks from the
gaping mouth of SASORI and also comes out of his mouth)

TOBI (Amused.)
Bravo, monsieur!
Such spirited festivities!

(Another burst of flame.)

SASORI
More tricks, monsieur? I'm a puppet.

TOBI
Let's see, monsieur
how far you dare go!

(Another flame burst)

SASORI (Smoking a cigarette coolly.)
More deception? More violence?

DEIDARA (to SASORI)
Sasori, no . . .

(SASORI has begun to walk slowly and resolutely
towards the TOBI. The flame bursts always landing
just ahead of him)

TOBI
That's right, that's right,
monsieur
keep walking this way!

(Two more fire blasts)

SASORI
You can't win his love by making him your prisoner.

SASORI
Sasori, don't . . .

SASORI (to DEIDARA)
Stay back!

TOBI (Gleefully.)
I'm here, I'm here,
monsieur:
the angel of death!
Come on, come on,
monsieur
Don't stop, don't stop! (Laughs and twirls his lightsaber.)

(Three more fire blasts. The TOBI is getting hit a little.
SASORI is almost at the TOBI's feet. A
confrontation is imminent when DEIDARA
suddenly rushes across to SASORI)

DEIDARA
Sasori! Come back . . .

(He pulls him away)

TOBI
Don't go!

SASORI

You lost your chance.

(The TOBI snaps, and leaps at SASORI, lightsabers flashing.)

DEIDARA

No!

(SASORI spins around, using YODA to cut off the TOBI's left arm and right leg.)

TOBI

You monster…

SASORI (Smugly.)

Let me tell you how I became a puppet…

So many years ago, many more than I'd
Even care to bear in my mind
From the darkest of all places I found it.

All the limbs in their right places
and a shell made of real gold
"Sell me your little doll, oh sir, I ask you kind." I would ask of the master.

Every night I'd return to watch them
The master and the puppet in the show.
He said: "Oh no, I cannot sell him...
Priceless he is, masterpiece of mine."

"Please, sell me your puppet, sir.
Name your price oh please,
Whatever you may ask,
tenfold the price I pay." I said.

"Did I not make it clear?
This debate is over.
I will never part from this puppet, my son..." He said.

With hungry eyes I followed them all night
The blind master and the puppet he had made,
"No, sir, to sell is not my will!" He responded angrily.
"The doll is mine, even if I have to kill..." I chose to say.

"So it shall be, if this is what it takes,
Greed's truly blinder than me...
Shell of gold is what you wish for?
So, this little boy...wants to be.. a puppet, for real..?" At this point I was worried.

So, I have a golden shell
Now only needing the voice of the master
Never feel hunger, never grow older
My dream was to be a star in a real puppet... and so I was!

It's so hard to remember my life,
the times before the shell
"Can I ever cut off the strings?" I asked.
"Take a bow, now dance and sing... Sing!" the master would say.

"Would you turn me to child again?" I begged.
"No, never, I am your Guide."
You could see a small grin on the face
Of the master, when the puppet's in his place. So I killed him in his sleep.

Be careful of what you wish for
Wishes might come alive
The twines I pull every day and night...
The show, the glitter and all the fame
I wouldn't give away for a life
Some things can end with a word, they say
That only ended with a sharp knife. A Knife!

(SASORI steps down.)

And that is why I can't be beat. Only my heart is left.

(As they are exiting, the TOBI declaims
in fury):

TOBI (Bleeding profusely.)
So be it! Now let it be war upon you both!

(At a gesture from the TOBI, there is a flash of
lighting and the stage erupts into flame)

Scene 6
BEFORE THE PREMIERE/ THE END OF POPCORN

THE OPERA HOUSE ON THE NIGHT OF THE
PREMIERE OF "GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT''
(The orchestra is tuning. A whistle sounds. The
CHIEF FIRE OFFICER is reviewing two FIRE
MARSHALLS in tin helmets. A work light on a
stand illuminates them. Also present are SASORI,
SUIGETSU and ITACHI, supervising the proceedings, and a
MARKSMAN, at present hidden in the pit.)

CHIEF
You understand your instructions?

FIREMEN (several)
No Sir!

CHIEF(Annoyed.)
When you hear the whistle, take up your positions.
I shall then instruct you to secure the doors. It is
essential that all doors are properly secured.

ITACHI
Are we doing the right thing, Suigetsu?

SUIGETSU (Playing a DS.)
Have you got a better idea?

CHIEF
Monsieur le Pimp, am I to give the order?

SASORI
Give the order.

(The CHIEF blows his whistle. The FIREMEN fan
out, leaving SASORI, the CHIEF and the
MANAGERS on stage)

SASORI (to the MARKSMAN)
You in the pit - do you have a clear view of this
box?

MARKSMAN (appearing from the pit)
Yes, sir.

SASORI
Remember, when the time comes, shoot. Only if
you have to - but shoot. To kill.

MARKSMAN
How will I know, sir?

SASORI
You'll know. I'll send a puppet with a musket and crap.

ITACHI
Monsieur le Pimp, are you confident that this
will work? Will Mister Daae sing?

SASORI
Don't worry, Itachi. Suigetsu?

SUIGETSU (Stuffing his DS into his pocket.)

God! You made me lose to Deidara!

(He was playing Naruto Shippuden.)

CHIEF
My men are now in position, sir.

SASORI
Go ahead, then.

(Sounding his whistle again, the CHIEF shouts
into the auditorium):

CHIEF
Are the doors secure?

(Exit doors are slammed all over the building, The
FIREMEN answering one by one: "Secure."'
The orchestra falls silent. Very quietly from
nowhere, we hear the VOICE of the TOBI)

TOBI'S VOICE
I'm here: The Tobi of the Opera . . . sans two limbs.

(ALL look around apprehensively. FIREMEN start to run
in the direction of the VOICE)

TOBI'S VOICE (from somewhere else)
I'm here: The Tobi of the Opera . . .

(Again, they follow the VOICE. This happens several
times, the TOBI'S VOICE darting more and more
bewilderingly from place to place. Finally it is heard
from The Snack Bar, and in the confusion the
MARKSMAN fires a shot. The Popcorn Maker explodes. SASORI rounds on the
MARKSMAN furiously)

SASORI
Idiot! You killed my popcorn!

MARKSMAN
But, Monsieur le Pimp . . . it had too much butter.

(The TOBI'S VOICE cuts in, filling the
building. All look up)

TOBI'S VOICE
No "buts"! For once, Monsieur le Pimp is
right . . . Popcorn is precious…

Seal my
fate tonight - I
hate to have to
cut the fun short
but the joke's
wearing thin . . .
Let the audience in . . .
Let my opera begin!

Scene 7
"GOOD BOY TRIUMPHANT"
(The set of the final scene of "Good Boy
Triumphant" A huge hall with an arch. Behind the
arch, which has curtains, is a bed. A fine table, laid for
two. PASSGASSO, GOOD BOY'S servant, is
directing the STAFF as they make the room ready.
They are a crowd of sixteenth century ruffians and
hoydens, proud of their master's reputation as a
duelist)

CHORUS
Here the sire may serve the dam,
here the master takes his meat!
Here the sacrificial lamb
utters one despairing bleat!

KONAN AND CHORUS
Poor young dude! For the thrill
on your tongue of stolen sweets
you will have to pay the bill -
tangled in the bloody hall!

Serve the meal and serve the man!
Serve the master so that, when
tables, plans and cards are laid,
Good Boy triumphs once again!

(SIGNOR PEIN, as Good Boy, emerges from behind the
arch. HIDAN, a gypsy dancer pirouettes coquettishly for
him. He throws him a purse. He catches it and sacrifices it somehow.)

GOOD BOY (PEIN)
Passgasso, faithful friend,
once again recite the plan.

PASSGASSO
Your young guest believes I'm you -
I, the master, you, the man.

GOOD BOY
When you met you wore my cloak,
with my scarf you hid your face.
He believes he dines with me,
in his master's borrowed place!
Furtively, we'll scoff and quaff,
stealing what, in truth, is mine.
When it's late and modesty
starts to mellow, with the wine . . .

PASSGASSO
You come home! I use your voice -
slam the door like crack of doom!

GOOD BOY
I shall say: "Come - hide with me!
Where, oh, where? Of course - the arena!"

PASSGASSO
Poor thing hasn't got a chance!

GOOD BOY
Here's my hat, my cloak and sword.
Conquest is assured,
if I do not forget myself and laugh . . .

(GOOD BOY puts on PASSGASSO's cloak and goes into
the curtained alcove where the battle ground awaits.
Although we do not yet know it, the Punjab Lasso has
done its work, and SIGNOR PEIN is no more. Fortunately, several bodies remain. When
next we see GOOD BOY, it will be the TOBI, as was meant to be.
Meanwhile, we hear MINTY (DEIDARA) singing
happily in the distance)

MINTY (DEIDARA - offstage, entering)
". . . no thoughts
within his head,
but thoughts of joy!
No dreams
within his heart
but dreams of fun!"

PASSGASSO (onstage)
Master?

GOOD BOY (TOBI - behind the curtain)
Passgasso - go away!
For the trap is set and waits for its prey . . .

(PASSGASSO leaves. DEIDARA (MINTY) enters. He
takes off his cloak and sits down. Looks about him. No-
one. He starts on an apple. The TOBI, disguised as
GOOD BOY pretending to
be PASSGASSO, emerges. He now wears PASSGASSO's
robe, the cowl of which hides his face. His first words
startle him)

GOOD BOY (TOBI) (Somehow no notices the missing limbs. ZETSU is planting some mines around the area.)

You have come here
in pursuit of
your deepest urge,
in pursuit of
that wish,
which till now
has been silent,
silent . . .

I have brought you,
that our passions
may fuse and merge -
in your mind
you've already
succumbed to me
dropped all defences
completely succumbed to me -
now you are here with me:
no second thoughts,
you've decided,
decided . . .

Past the point
of no return -
no backward glances:
the games we've played
till now are at
an end . . .
Past all thought
of "if" or "when" -
no use resisting:
abandon thought,
and let the dream
descend . . .

What raging fire
shall flood the soul?
What rich desire
unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction
lies before
us . . .?

Past the point
of no return,
the final threshold -
what warm,
unspoken secrets
will we learn?
Beyond the point
of no return . . .

Meanwhile, the ANBU are acting as the dancers, and ITACHI is among them.)

ITACHI (Mouthing these words.)
I love dancing!

MINTY (DEIDARA is thinking 'Oh shit." )

You have brought me
to that moment
where words run dry,
to that moment
where speech
disappears
into silence,
silence . . .

I have come here,
hardly knowing
the reason why . . .
In my mind,
I've already
imagined our
powers entwining
deadly and silent -
and now I am
here with you:
no second thoughts,

I've decided,
decided . . .

Past the point
of no return -
no going back now:
our passion-play
has now, at last,
begun . . .
Past all thought
of right or wrong -
one final question:
how long should they

wait, before
they're one . . .?

When will the blood
begin to race
the sleeping bud
burst into bloom?
When will the flames,
at last, consume
us . . .?

BOTH
Past the point
of no return
the final threshold -
the bridge
is crossed, so stand
and watch it burn . . .
We've passed the point
of no return . . .

(By now the audience and the POLICE have realized
that SIGNOR PEIN {No kidding} is dead behind the curtain, and it is
the TOBI who sings in his place. DEIDARA
knows it too. As final confirmation, the TOBI
sings):

TOBI
Say you'll share with
me one organization, one team . . .
Lead me, save me
from my solitude . . .

(He takes from his finger a ring and holds it out to him.
Slowly he takes it and puts it on his finger.)

Say you want me
with you,
here beside you . . .
Anywhere you go
let me go too -
Deidara
that's all I ask of . . .

(We never reach the word 'you', for DEIDARA {While whistling.} quite
calmly reveals the TOBI'S face to the audience. As
the FORCES OF LAW {?} close in on the luscious hair he has,
the TOBI sweeps his cloak around him and
vanishes.)

(HIDAN pulls the curtain upstage, revealing PEIN'S
body garotted, propped against the bed, his head
gruesomely tilted to one side. He laughs.)

HIDAN: Shoulda been a Jashinist!

TRANSFORMATION TO:

REVERSE VIEW OF THE STAGE
(POLICE, STAGEHANDS, etc. rush onto the stage in
confusion. Also: SUIGETSU, ITACHI, SASORI, KAKAZU, KONAN and HIDAN)

KONAN
What is it? What has happened? Ubaldo!

SUIGETSU
Oh, my God . . . my God . . .

ITACHI
We're screwed, Suigetsu, screwed!

KAKAZU (to SASORI)
Monsieur le Pimp! Come with me!

KONAN (rushing over to one of PEIN's bodies)
Oh, my darling, my darling . . . who has done
this ...?

(hysterical, attacking SUIGETSU)

You! Why did you let this happen?

(She breaks down, as PEIN's body is carried off on a
stretcher)

KAKAZU
Monsieur le Pimp, I know where they are.

SASORI
But can I trust you?

KAKAZU
I'm the only good guy in the Opera. But remember: your hand at the level of
your eyes!

SASORI
But why . . .?

KAKAZU
Why? The Punjab lasso, monsieur. First Orochimaru.
Now Pein.

HIDAN (holding up his middle finger.)
Like this, monsieur. I'll come with you .

KAKAZU
No, Hidan! No, you stay here!

(to SASORI)

Come with me, monsieur. Hurry, or we shall be too
late . . .

Scene 8
THE LABYRINTH UNDERGROUND/ZETSU IS ASLEEP

(Meanwhile, down below, we see the TOBI and
DEIDARA in the boat, crossing the underground
lake)

TOBI (furiously propelling the boat onwards)
Down once more
to the dungeon
of my black despair!
Down we plunge
to the prison
of my mind!
Down that path
into darkness
deep as hell!

(He rounds on him, bitterly)

Why, you ask,
was I bound and chained
in this cold and dismal place?
Not for any
mortal sin, but the
wickedness of
my abhorrent face!

(He hears the offstage voices of the pursuing ANBU)

ANBU (offstage)
Track down this murderer!
He must be found!

TOBI (moving off again)
Hounded out by
everyone!
Met with hatred
everywhere!
No kind word from
anyone!
No compassion
anywhere!

Deidara, Deidara. . .
Why, why . . .?

(SASORI and KAKAZU appear above. They make their way
down, meeting a pack of rats. KAKAZU screams and lowers
his guard. The rats and the RATCATCHER pass them.
KAKAZU raises his hand again)

KAKAZU
Potatoes scare me.

SASORI
Those are rats.

ANBU (offstage)
Your hand at the level of your eyes!

KAKAZU
He lives across the lake, monsieur. This is as far as
I dare go.

SASORI
Kakazu, thank you.

(He turns to go back up the slope. SASORI looks at the
water. He removes his coat and plunges in. The ANBU
appears at the top of the slope. They come
down to the lake edge, their torches flickering.)

ANBU
Track down this
murderer -
He must be found!
Hunt out this
animal,
who runs to ground!
Too long he's
preyed on us -
but now we know:
the Tobi of the Opera
is there
deep down below . . .

He's here: the Tobi of the Opera . . .

(They turn back up the slope. Perhaps there is another
way in. The gate to the lair descends, as the rest of the
lair appears.)

Scene 9
BEYOND THE LAKE/WHACKED OUT BITCH

(The dummy of DEIDARA sits crumpled on a large
throne. The TOBI drags DEIDARA roughly out of
the boat. He frees himself and backs away as he stares
blackly out front. Braving his terror, he addresses him
fiercely).

DEIDARA
Have you gorged yourself
at last, in your
lust for blood?

(no reply)

Am I now to be
prey to your
lust for flesh?

TOBI (Coldly)
That fate, which
condemns me
to wallow in blood
has also
denied me
the joys of the flesh . . .
this face -
the infection
which poisons our love . . .

(He lakes the bridal veil front the dummy, and moves
slowly towards him)

This face,
which earned
a mother's fear
and loathing . . .
A mask,
my first
unfeeling scrap
of clothing . . .

(He places the veil on his head)

Pity comes
too late -
turn around
and face your fate:
an eternity of this
before your eyes!

(They are almost touching. He looks calmly and coldly
into his face)

DEIDARA
This haunted face
holds no horror
for me now . . .

I commit thee to the abyss!

(Stabs the TOBI though.)

TOBI

Lo, I am slain… (Dies.)

(Behind the portcullis, SASORI climbs out of the water)

SASORI
Sir, this is indeed
an unparalleled delight!
I had rather hoped
that he would die.
And now my wish comes true -
you have truly made my night!

DEIDARA (pleading, grasping the bars of the gate)

Stay back!
He might explode to enjoy art!
Have you no pity?

(WHOLE OPERA HOUSE explodes in nuclear blast from the TOBI'S body. Offstage ZETSU laughs.)

DEIDARA (Burned to a tender golden brown.)
Please, Sasori, it's useless . . . we will die.

SASORI
I love him!
Does that mean nothing?
I love him!

ZETSU (snarls furiously at SASORI)
The world showed no
compassion to me! Because I at ate the flesh of my foes, I was exiled!

SASORI

What the heck are you doing here?
Tell me why you are not backstage!

ZETSU (Mischievously.)
Sure, sir. .

(He gestures, and a music stand rises. All eyes turn to him.)

Monsieur, I
bid you welcome to the story!
Did you think that
I would harm a fly? I'm a fly trap.
Why should I consider sins which
are the worlds? I shouldn't.

Do I dare resurrect the Tobi? Yes….

(So saying, he takes a Punjab lasso and, before SASORI
has a chance to move, catches him by the neck. The end
of the rope, of which ZETSU has let go, remains
magically suspended in mid-air)

(taunting)
Order your fine horses now!
Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes!
Nothing can save you now -
except perhaps Deidara . . .

(He turns to him)

Start a new life for him -
Buy his freedom with your blood!
Refuse, and you still will be a sacrifice!
This is the choice -
This is the point of no return!

DEIDARA (to ZETSU)
The tears I might have shed
for this dark art
grow cold, and turn to tears
of hate . . . My art is better than this!

SASORI (despairing)
Deidara, forgive
me please, forgive me . . .
I did it all
for you, and all for
nothing . . .

DEIDARA (looking at ZETSU but to
himself)
Farewell
my puppet pal
and good friend . . .
One by one
I've watched
illusions shattered . . .

ZETSU
Past all hope
of cries for help:
no point in fighting - (Pulls out a katana.)

SASORI
Either way
you choose,
he has to win . . .

ZETSU
For either way
you choose,
you cannot win!

So, do you end
your days here,
or do you revive the dead?

SASORI (to ZETSU)
Why make him die
for you, to save
me?

DEIDARA
Angel of the Shadows . . .

ZETSU
Past the point
of no return - (Cuts Deidara's arm and releases some blood.)

SASORI
Deidara, no!

DEIDARA (Flinching.)
. . . why this torment?

ZETSU
. . . the final threshold . . . Death will die…

SASORI
GOOD GOD!

DEIDARA
When will you see
reason . . .?

ZETSU
His life is now the prize
which you must earn!

SASORI
I fought so hard
to free you . . . now we are going to die…

DEIDARA
Angel of Darkness Revives . . .

ZETSU
You've passed the point
of no return . . . (Dumps blood unto summoning circle.)

And now the Tobi of the Opera shall live again!

DEIDARA
. . . you deceived me -
I gave my blood
blindly . . .

ZETSU(to DEIDARA)
You try my patience -
you made your choice!

(He reflects for a moment, then with resolution moves the knife
slowly to his hands.)

I think I will bring another back. (Slices down the top of his arm.)

DEIDARA (quietly at first, then with growing
emotion)
Pitiful creature
of darkness . . .
What kind of life
have you known . . .?

God give me courage
to show you
you are not
alone . . .

(Now calmly facing him, he stumbles towards ZETSU. They fight. SASORI watches
in horror and wonder.
ZETSU lakes a lighted brick and holds it
above SASORI's head. A tense moment. But the
suspended rope suddenly falls harmlessly - ZETSU has burned the thread by which the noose was
held. Resigned, he addresses SASORI, as we hear the
offstage voices of the approaching ANBU, horribly destroyed)

ANBU
Some:
Track down this
murderer -
he must be found!
Hunt out this
animal,
who runs to ground!

Too long he's
preyed on us -
but now we know:
the Tobi of the Opera
is there
deep down below . .

Others:
Who is this monster,
this murdering beast?
Revenge for Pein!
Revenge for Orochimaru!
This creature
must never go free . . .

ZETSU (Roar of the summoning really loud.)
Now it is time! The summon complete! I bring back The Tobi of the Opera and Yondaime!

(SASORI and DEIDARA stare in wonder. Standing in the circle is YONDAIME, holding a bundle. He passes the bundle to ZESTU)

YONDAIME
A Masquerade . . .
Paper faces were on parade . . .
A Masquerade . . .
Hide your face
so the world will
never find you . . .

ZETSU

I will.

(He walks up to a fallen beam and walks up to the opera ruins above. He holds the bundle up to the new day's sun. The bundle's cloth slips a little, and a Baby TOBI is there. The "Circle of Life starts" playing.)

To the sun, may the new era begin.

(DEIDARA moans and dies.. . SASORI scoots away.)

ZETSU
God, I love Opera . . .

SASORI (In the shadows.)
Said he'd share with
me, one
team, one organization . . .
said the word
and I would follow him . .
Share each day with me . . .

HIDAN (Coming into the area.)
. . . each night . . .

BOTH
. . . each morning . . .

ZETSU (Looking at the Baby TOBI.)
You are alone
and I can make your song take flight -
it's over now, the music of the night . . .

(YONDAIME walks slowly towards the throne. He
takes his place on it, putting on his cloak.
The ANBU having followed HIDAN, appears above, climbing
down the rubble. As the ANBU enters the lair, YONDAIME summons the annoying unicorn boys, as does ZETSU. The ANBU die from them saying "Hhheeeeyyy, Anbu, wake up sleepy heads!" HIDAN crosses over to ZETSU and peels back the TOBI's mask on his face. He laughs, smiling at the bundle, as the bundle giggles.)

BABY TOBI

Good Boy?

THE END.

Cast and crew:

Naruto Uzamaki/Itachi Uchiha as Firmin

Sasuke Uchiha/ Kisame Hoshigaki/ Suigetsu as Firmin

Sakura as a Filler

Hidan as Meg Giry

Sarutobi Sensei as That Old Director

Kakashi Hatake as Reyer the Conductor/Leferve the Musician

Deidara as Christine Daae

Sasori as Vicomte de Pimp

Kakazu as Master Giry

Hinata as the Chorus

4 Sounds as props crew

Orochimaru as Joseph Buquet

Konan as Carlotta

Pein as Piangi

Sand Siblings as odd persons

Tobi as the Tobi of the Opera

Anbu Black Ops as the Mob

Zetsu as the Director/ Awesome Dude

Yondaime as the Man/ Vice Director.

Gein/Kein as Back up copies of Piangi

Various Ninja as various roles

Jiraiya as Passgasso (Not said.)

Yoda as a Puppet

Chuck Norris as Baby Tobi

And all those I don't remember!

Apologies to:

Makashi Kishimoto, you are welcome at the cast party! Sorry for ruining the characters!

Sonata Arctica, your puppet song was great.

Cruxshadows You rock. Winterborn too.

Slipknot, not meaning to offend you with "Wait and Bleed."

Whoever made the Original Tobi of the Opera pic on Deviantart.

And of course, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Phantom Rocks.

To self: YOUR GRADES SUCK!

To the team: Sorry this took so long.

To the people who made Phantom of the Opera in 15 Minutes. I stole you stuff a lot.

Thanks to:

Myself. I'm half dead, and I wrote mostly during a class.

Pein, Thx for letting me stay after my Mom had that fit of sorts.

NOW FOR THE PARTY!

"Hey everyone! Thanks for coming tonight!" Zetsu said, standing up at the table. "As said by the author previously, thanks go out to all that he mentioned." He paused, clearing his throat. "And now its time for the awards. The awards please, guest of honor Makamoto." (Makashi Kishimoto.) "Here you go Zetsu." He said. Deidara spoke up. "Hurry up! The Clay sandwiches hurt a little!" Everyone laughed. "Anyway," Zetsu said, "The First category is best singer! The Nominees are Deidara for 'Wait, I'm Bleeding,' Tobi for 'I am Madara', and Sasori for 'Why I'm a Puppet.' Please wait… And the winner is Sasori!" Sasori accepted his award, and thanked them all. "Next we have the award for Best Comic Relief. The Nominees are Tobi, Pein, and Me, Zetsu. And the winner is… Tobi!" Tobi ran up, and gently took it. "Tobi was a funny boy!" He said. "Yes you are Tobi. Now sit down." Zetsu waited patiently. "Next, we have most Emo Actor, who automatically is Sasuke, because I have no patience. Also, the winner of the Shortest role is Sakura, with one line." Then Zetsu's phone rang. "Yeah? Really? Seriously? Fine." He said. "I got to go. However, Yondaime has a gag/blooper reel, along with the Opera on Film. Enjoy!" And then he left. It would have been safer had he not left, because soon Hidan had to sacrifice something, and chose the steak. The party soon erupted with a bang, as Deidara broke wind. Needless to say, this was not a happy ending.

THE END, for real.

Stay tuned for a Naruto Macbeth and Hamlet!