The Play's The Thing

by JCMorrigan

A short comedic oneshot meant to read like your average episode of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. When the school play finds itself in need of a director, Billy and Mandy know just who to call...but everyone else thinks they do too.

Mandy: My words fly up, my thoughts remain below; words without thoughts never to Heaven go.

THE PLAY'S THE THING

"Now, class," Ms. Butterbean announced, "Due to the school board insisting that I need to promote more extracurricular activities coupled with the fact that I really need something to keep you all occupied, I've decided that our class is going to be staging a production of Shakespeare's Macbeth."

"OOOOOOHHHH!" Billy cried happily. "I loves me some Shakeamaspeare!"

"Billy," Mandy sighed, "name one play William Shakespeare even wrote."

"D'uuuuuuhhh…" Billy thought it over. "Mary Had a Little Lamb?"

"Not even close," Mandy replied.

Billy just laughed to himself. "What kind of a stupid first name is 'William' anyway?"

"Doesn't Macbeth touch on several themes that are a little too mature for a class of elementary school students?" Mandy asked Butterbean.

Irwin shrugged. "This show already has a lot more gore in it than you'd expect for a kids' show, yo."

Mandy folded her arms. "Good point."

"Now, I've assigned the casting myself," Butterbean went on. "The role of Macbeth will go to Billy."

"YAAAAAY!" Billy cheered. "I get to be Queen Elizabeth!"

"Close enough," Butterbean muttered. "The role of Lady Macbeth will go to Mindy."

"As it should!" Mindy boasted. "She IS the closest thing to a princess, after all!"

"Banquo will be played by The Artist Formerly Known as Pif," Butterbean went on.

Billy's sunglasses-sporting friend made no response other than to adjust his beret.

"Irwin will be Macduff," Butterbean announced.

"OH YEAH!" Irwin cheered. "NOW SHOW ME MANDY AS LADY MACDUFF!"

"Mandy will be one of the three witches," Butterbean corrected.

"Ha ha!" Mindy pointed at Mandy. "You have to be an ugly witch!"

"I also get to cause the most suffering in the entire play," Mandy retorted. "I am juuuust fine with this."

"The role of King Duncan will go to Pudd'n," said Butterbean.

"Yay!" Pudd'n responded. "I get to be the king! Does he get a happy ending?"

"Well…I'll just let you find that out for yourself," Butterbean answered. "The role of Donalbain will go to Sperg."

"Plays are for nerds," Sperg muttered around the large spitball in his mouth.

"And the role of Malcolm will go to Junior," Butterbean concluded.

"I…I actually get a big speaking role in a play?" Junior looked positively flabbergasted. "I'm not dreaming again, am I?"

"Rehearsals will start tomorrow after school," Butterbean demanded. "Anyone who decides not to show up will forfeit their grade for the entire year. So DON'T BE LATE!"

...

Amidst a set made of cardboard cutouts of castles and trees, the students, dressed in moth-eaten costumes that vaguely echoed the middle ages, gathered around the stage to rehearse.

"Is THIS," Billy recited, "a dagger. WHICH! I see? BeFORE ME!" He paused. "Um. Line?"

"Yeah," Mandy muttered to herself from backstage. "I can just see this going over soooooo well."

"Hey, Mandy," Irwin said, sidling up next to Mandy. "Just wanted to wish you good luck out there."

"Saying 'good luck' is bad luck," Mandy informed Irwin. "When you're dealing with a play, you have to say 'break a leg.'"

"But I don't want you to break a leg, yo! Or any part of your beautiful, beautiful body."

"Get out of here before I'm forced to try and cast a real spell on you," Mandy threatened. "And trust me. I've watched Grim practice dark magic. I KNOW THINGS."

"Can I have our Lady Macbeth onstage?" Butterbean called out. "Lady Macbeth! Mindy!"

"Coming, Director Butterbean!" Mindy hopped out onstage, smiling brightly.

"GOOD LUCK, MINDY!" Pudd'n yelled.

"Ugh…you simpletons!" Mandy groaned. "It's not 'good luck'! It's BREAK A LEG!"

"Why can't we say 'good luck'?" Pudd'n asked.

"Because 'good luck' is bad luck," Junior chimed in.

"But isn't wishing somebody to break a leg worse luck?" Pudd'n retorted.

"Break an arm, Mindy!" Billy said excitedly.

"It's not an ARM!" Mindy shrieked. "It's a LEG!"

Almost immediately, the entire class was divided into two factions, screaming at each other:

"GOOD LUCK!"

"BREAK A LEG!"

"GOOD LUCK!"

"BREAK A LEG!"

"STUDENTS!" Butterbean shrieked. "Stop it RIGHT NOW, or every one of you has detention!" She turned around to walk offstage in a huff. "If I'd only taken that job at – "

Before she could finish her statement about where she would probably be happier, Butterbean caught her foot on a cardboard shrub. With a scream, she tumbled over the edge of the stage.

The students gathered around, looking down over the edge of the stage at her. "Ms. Butterbean?" Pudd'n asked. "Are you okay?"

...

Butterbean was loaded up onto the stretcher, and as the paramedics brought her out to the ambulance, they heard her distinctly mutter, "I…hate…extracurriculars…"

"Well, there you go," Mandy said. "Ms. Butterbean literally broke her leg. Are you all happy?"

"That means we can finally be done with this loser play!" Sperg said joyfully.

"Awww…" Billy cast his eyes downward. "But I wanted to be Annabeth in the play…"

"I wanted to be in the play too," Pudd'n moaned.

"NOW how will everyone get to see me under the bright spotlights of the stage?" Mindy moaned.

"And here I was thinking I could actually be a part of something," Junior sighed. "Should've known it was too good to be true."

"FINE," Mandy interrupted. "You want the show to go on? Fine. The show will go on."

"But how can we perform the Snakesneer play without a director?" Billy asked.

"I don't know," Mandy replied. "You tell ME where we can get adult supervision at our beck and call who has to do whatever we want at a moment's notice."

"I sure wish we had someone like that," Billy thought out loud.

Mandy just gave a loud sigh in response. "I'm calling Grim…"

...

The doors to the auditorium burst open. Lightning flashed. The sound of a thunderclap was heard. A dark silhouette in a hooded robe was illuminated in the lightning's glow, raising a scythe. A deep laugh echoed throughout the auditorium: "MWA-HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Cut the drama, Grim," Mandy commanded.

"Aww…" Grim lowered his scythe, stepping into full view. "But it's the theater, Mandy! Can't I at least have a little fun on the stage?"

"We called you here to direct," Mandy stated. "Not to act. Like an idiot or otherwise."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Grim interrupted. "All right, kids. I don't exactly understand WHY I keep ending up on the faculty of this school, but as long as I'm here, I might as well help you out with your production of the Scottish play."

"I thought we were doing Macbeth," Billy replied.

"We are," Grim sighed. "'Macbeth' is often referred to as 'the Scottish play' for good luck. But it's not as if that matters anyway. Either way, everyone DIES at the end." This seemed to cheer him. "It's actually one of my favorite plays!"

"So get to directing," Mandy commanded.

"ALL RIGHT!" Grim boomed. "Now, who's our Macbeth?"

Everyone pointed to Billy.

"Great," Grim sighed. "Well, you know what they say: when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Show me what ya got."

Billy took the stage again. "IS THIS! A dagger? Which I SEEEEEE! Before…um…line?"

Grim smacked his forehead. "You dope…this is gonna be impossible! Though the least I could do is improve the setting a bit…hmmmm…"

He drew his scythe, holding it aloft. The children all gasped, watching with awe. Grim pointed the scythe at the stage, and a bolt of bright blue energy rocketed onto the stage and surrounded it. When the blue light died down, the setting was transformed. The trees, bushes, and rocks were no longer cardboard cutouts but the real natural phenomena. The fortress of Inverness was turned into a miniature stone keep.

Grim then zapped each of the students one by one. Billy's secondhand rags were transformed into royal robes. Mindy sported the gown of a queen. Mandy's black robe flowed menacingly. A gold crown glittered atop Pudd'n's head.

"Now THAT'S better," Grim stated with a smirk.

"I guess it's not bad," Mindy snorted.

"NOT BAD?" Grim shouted. "That dress is fit for an empress! I took it from the actual middle ages! You're all lucky I didn't decide to transport you to the REAL setting of Macbeth."

"Let's just run the scene, can we?" Mandy asked.

"All right," Grim called out. "Act one, scene five!"

Mindy stood upon the stage, pressing her wrist to her forehead like the most troubled of damsels. "Great Glamis! Worthy Cawdor! Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter! Thy letters have transported me beyond this ignorant present, and I feel now the future in an instant!"

"My. DEAREST! Love," Billy replied. "Pudd'n – I mean Duncan comes here tomorrow!"

"TONIGHT," Grim hissed. "He comes here TONIGHT!"

"And when goes hence?" Mindy recited, sounding slightly more bored.

"Tonight," Billy began.

"TOMORROW!" Grim corrected.

"Yesterday," Billy amended, "as he porpoises!"

In a dull monotone, having thoroughly lost interest, Mindy droned, "O-never-shall-sun-that-morrow-see." She sighed. "I'm BORED. When do we get to the INTERESTING part?"

"This play kinda sucks, yo," Irwin commented.

"Really," Grim retorted. "REALLY. Well, I'm doing the best I can with what I got! You think you can find someone better to direct this play? Well? DO YOU? Because if you can, I want to see that someone here THIS! INSTANT!"

"Are you sure you want to make that statement?" Mandy asked.

"Not so much anymore," Grim admitted.

Suddenly, a loud BOOM sounded throughout the auditorium. A cloud of pitch-black smoke rose from the center of the stage. When it cleared, it revealed a tall figure, laughing maniacally.

"BOOGEY!" Grim yelled in frustration. "What are YOU doing here?"

"Oh, why, Grim!" the Boogeyman greeted. "I didn't know you were happening to direct a play in the exact spot where I was planning to make my grand entrance!"

"Right," Grim groaned. "Just like you didn't know to show up EXACTLY when I said I wanted to see who could direct this play better than I could."

"Well, now that we're on the subject," Boogey said, "I must admit that when it comes to Macbeth, I do have somewhat of a fondness for the production…"

"I never told you it was Macbeth!" Grim yelled. "Ya WERE spyin'!"

"Oh, come on, Grim," Boogey argued. "You and I both know that you can't direct a play worth an imp's butt. Sure, you can conjure up fancy costumes and trees, but you don't really UNDERSTAND Macbeth."

"I do so understand Macbeth! It's me favorite Shakespeare play!"

"Oh, really? Then why do you have the casting completely backwards?"

"BACKWARDS? The nerve! Everybody's playin' the right role!"

"Oh, please. Butterball just matched up the first names that popped into her head, and you're acting like she gave it any THOUGHT. Why, you have the happy-go-lucky idiot playing the tragic villain, and you're having a tragic villain play the happy-go-lucky idiot!"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Look at Billy," Boogey challenged. "And tell me, honestly, that he makes a better Macbeth than a Malcolm."

"I see thee still," Billy said with a great wide smile, "and on thy blade and dudgeon gouts of BLOOD!" Then he broke out into raucous laughter: "Heeheeheehee!"

"Well…we ALL know he's an idiot," Grim defended, "but the role will give him a chance to stretch his wings! Besides, there isn't anyone here who makes a good tragic villain!"

"Oh, really?" Boogey retorted. "Not even…JUNIOR?"

"M-me?" Junior answered, startled to hear his name brought up. "You…you think I should play Macbeth?"

Grim folded his arms. "Now that's just stupid."

"Tell me the kid doesn't just RADIATE evil!" Boogey cried. "C'mon, kid, give us your best evil laugh!"

"Well…" Junior thought it over. He drew upon his darkest thoughts: revenge he'd like to get on Sperg. How he felt when Mindy criticized his glasses for the umpteenth time. What he wanted to do to his locker door the next time it jammed. And from the very core of his soul came what was perhaps the evil laugh to end all evil laughs: "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Every other student in the area backed up five paces. Junior grinned, showing off all his pointed teeth.

Grim sighed. "Fine. I'll make your little switch. Junior will play Macbeth, and Billy will play Malcolm."

"Do I still get to be the prince that survives and gives the inspirational heartfelt speech in the end?" Billy asked.

"Ya idiot!" Grim smacked his forehead again. "That IS Malcolm!"

"I wanna be that," Billy decided.

"And another thing," Boogey went on. "You have Mindy and Mandy COMPLETELY switched. Mindy should be the witch! I mean, she even WAS one in Underfist!"

"HEY!" Mindy screeched. "That's stereotyping!"

"And the role of Lady Macbeth was MADE for Mandy," Boogey went on.

"I'm not going to pretend I don't like where this is going," Mandy admitted.

"Just read me some of act one, scene five," Boogey encouraged.

Mandy stepped to center stage, clearing her throat. She closed her eyes momentarily. When she opened them, they contained the darkness of a brooding storm. When she spoke, her words carried upon them the promise of death and destruction en masse.

"Only look up clear," she recited. "To alter favor ever is to fear. Leave all the rest…to me."

The other students each backed up until he or she hit a wall.

"Too easy," Mandy remarked.

"Fine, fine," Grim grumbled. "Mandy can be Lady Macbeth and Mindy can be the witch."

"Just quit while you're behind, Grim," Boogey said. "I'll take it from here!" He clapped his hands. "Now, let's start from the top!"

Grim sulked as he took a seat in the audience. "What I wouldn't give for something to come along and knock that blowhard off his high horse," he muttered, unaware of Pudd'n sitting next to him.

"So you want another director to come and take over for him?" Pudd'n asked.

"I never said THAT!" Grim said hurriedly.

"Because I can think of somebody who's probably really good at directing," Pudd'n went on. "Somebody who knows about tragedy and horror."

"No, Pudd'n! We don't need another director!"

"You want me to call another director?"

"NO! DO NOT CALL ANOTHER DIRECTOR! THAT IS ABSOLUTELY THE WORST THING YOU COULD DO! WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT CALL ANOTHER DIRECTOR!"

Pudd'n stared up at Grim for a long while before saying, "Okay. I'll go call another director!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Grim wailed as Pudd'n made his way to the phone.

...

Mandy rubbed her hands fervently, putting on her best expression of panicked insanity. "The thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now? What, will these hands ne'er be clean?"

"Excellent, Mandy!" Boogey congratulated. "Just perfect!"

There was a loud BAM sound as the auditorium door was kicked in. Thunder crashed; lightning flashed and lit up a shorter silhouette. "AND WHO IS DEFILING SHAKESPEARE IN SUCH A HORRIBLE FASHION?"

"Excuse me," Boogey addressed the newcomer, "but who are you?"

"Oh, we've never met, have we?" He stepped into the light of the auditorium. "The name is Skarr. GENERAL Skarr. And your name, I presume, is along the lines of Shakespeare-Butchering Know-Nothing."

"Heeeere we go," Grim sighed.

"You see," Skarr said, walking up onto the stage, "during my college years, I worked very hard towards my major in TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!" Thunder crashed yet again to punctuate this announcement. "However, I also happened to minor in theatre! Oh, how Shakespeare was a personal favorite of mine. All the violence! All the tragedy! All the puns that only make sense to people who speak middle English! And you're doing it all wrong, so get off the stage already and let someone who's actually STUDIED do the job."

"What exactly am I doing wrong?" Boogey asked indignantly. "I've changed the casting so it's perfect!"

"Yes," Skarr agreed, "but you have Lady Macbeth dressed in couture that didn't exist until ten years AFTER the play is set!"

"HA!" Grim jeered. "Take THAT, Boogey!"

"And the design of Inverness is ALL wrong!" Skarr went on. "Not to mention that your Macbeth costume is ten years BEHIND the setting!"

"I think I'm actually enjoying watching someone else pick apart everything Boogey did wrong!" Grim laughed.

"Um, but, Grim?" Billy pointed out. "Those are all the changes YOU made."

It took Grim a moment to realize Billy was right. "HEY!" he yelled, standing angrily. "Those are all the changes I made!"

"And they're wrong," Skarr stated. "Why don't you just let me take over? After all, this is one of my fields of expertise."

"I'm in charge of this production!" Boogey asserted. "And there's nothing you can do to make me – "

Skarr produced a gigantic laser gun presumably from his back pocket, despite the fact that it couldn't physically have fit there. He aimed the barrel directly at Boogey's head. "DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME AGAIN WHY I'M NOT FIT TO DIRECT THIS PLAY?" Skarr threatened.

"Oh…no, no!" Boogey insisted. "Did I say I'M in charge of this production? I meant YOU'RE in charge of this production!"

Skarr lowered the gun. "Much better."

Boogey slunk down to the audience, taking a seat next to Grim. "Hurts, doesn't it?" Grim gloated.

"Shut up," Boogey muttered.

"Now, let's get all those costumes changed to period accurate pieces!" Skarr commanded, grinning madly.

...

Outfitted in an entirely newly constructed outfit, Pudd'n struggled to remember his lines. "Is execution done in Cawdor? Are those in commission not yet returned?"

"IT'S 'ARE NOT THOSE IN COMMISSION YET RETURNED'!" Skarr bellowed, pointing his gun at Pudd'n from offstage.

"Arenotthoseincommissionyetreturned!" Pudd'n babbled nervously.

"My ledge!" Billy replied.

"LIEGE!" Skarr roared, turning the gun on Billy.

"They are not yet come. BACK!" Billy continued. "But I have died with one who saw him speak!"

"'SPOKE WITH ONE WHO SAW HIM DIE'!" Skarr screamed, pulling the trigger.

BOOM.

Billy, charred on the outside, coughed up smoke.

Pudd'n began to cry.

"ARE YOU CRYING?" Skarr roared. "I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO LITTLE BRATS WHO CRY!"

"I've had about enough," Mandy sighed, stepping off the stage. "It's time to put Skarr out of commission."

She approached the phone, dialing a number that connected to a line not found on the earthly plane.

"NOT LIKE THAT!" Skarr growled. "LIKE! THIS!" He roughly shoved Pudd'n off the stage, taking his place and adopting his pose. "There's no art," he waxed, "to find the mind's construction in the face. He was a gentleman – " He paused to wipe away a tear. "On whom I built an absolute – "

"PAAAAIIIIN!" came a wild yell from the auditorium doors.

"And the cavalry has arrived," Mandy stated, satisfied with herself.

"Oh, tell me she didn't," Grim moaned, covering his eyes.

Lord Pain stormed down to the stage. "My master informed me that tyranny was occurring here in the form of a school play!" he announced. "Now who here has been inflicting an unjust rule?"

Every finger, even those of Grim and Boogey, pointed to Skarr.

"Get him," Mandy ordered.

Lord Pain raised his mace high.

"GAAAAH!" Skarr screamed high-pitchedly. "Not my other eye! Please! NOT MY OTHER EYE!" He ran as Lord Pain chased him round and round the stage with the mace.

When they finally tired of that, Skarr hiding behind one of the curtains, Lord Pain approached Mandy. "How can I serve you, O master?" he asked, bowing deeply.

"Here." Mandy shoved a script at him. "See what you can make out of this."

"Hmm…" Lord Pain leafed through the pages. "I'll see what I can do!"

"Just don't alter any of my period-accurate costuming!" Skarr growled. Lord Pain shot him a look, and Skarr muttered an "eep" before drawing the curtain over himself.

...

Skarr was forced to sit next to Boogey down in the audience. "This is humiliating," he groaned.

Lord Pain stood atop the stage before the closed curtain. "I read your play," he said, smacking the script, "and I liked it! This play is filled with SUFFERING! That's why I thought the set had to reflect just HOW MUCH SUFFERING was present!"

He yanked on a nearby rope, and the curtains parted to reveal the set. It had been completely redone. The trees were gone; so was the rebuild of Inverness castle. Everything was replaced with crumbling rock walls marked with red paint as to represent blood splatters. Barbed wire topped the walls. False bones (at least the majority of those present hoped they were false) littered the stage floor.

"MY PERIOD-ACCURATE CASTLE!" Skarr gasped.

"This is just gettin' insane!" Grim moaned.

"Now," Lord Pain commanded, "come here and let me see some SUFFERING!"

"B-but I'm scared!" Pudd'n complained.

"And it's so UGLY!" Mindy snapped.

"Whiners," Mandy retorted, stepping up onstage. "Junior, get up here."

"Yes!" Junior ran to take his place next to Mandy.

Mandy began to read her line: "It was the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman – "

Junior tripped on one of the skulls that lay about. He tumbled directly into Mandy, and both went rolling across the stage.

"Is he getting fresh with my woman?" Irwin growled; Billy grabbed the back of his shirt to hold him back.

"Get off me, nerd," Mandy growled.

"Maaaaybe having Lord Pain be our director wasn't the best idea that was idea-ed," Billy suggested.

"I'll say," Irwin grumbled. "And I know JUST who to call to fix this!" He stormed backstage.

"L-let me try again!" Junior stood, clearing his throat. He put on his most menacing smirk. "I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?"

"I heard the owl scream," Mandy answered, "and the crickets – "

The Humvee crashed through the auditorium wall, spraying plaster everywhere. A full row of seats caught fire.

"Tell me that's not," Mandy groaned.

A black boot kicked open the driver's door of the Humvee. Its owner hit the ground. "I heard," Hoss Delgado growled, "there was a disturbance."

"Mr. Hoss!" Irwin yelled. "Lord Pain is wrecking our play!"

"LORD PAIN?" Delgado yelled. In a millisecond, he'd crossed the auditorium; he pressed a chainsaw blade (attached of course to his right arm) up to Lord Pain's throat. "Do you know how long I've waited for a chance to finally put Lord Pain in his grave? I remember it like it was yesterday! It all started twenty years ago, in Greece…"

"I bested you then," Lord Pain said, clutching his mace, "and I can best you now!"

"Excuse me!" Boogey stood up. "What does any of this have to do with the play?"

"THE BOOGEYMAN!" Delgado was aghast. Then his chainsaw blade was suddenly pressed against Boogey's throat. "Do you know how long I've waited to put an end to HIS reign of terror? Ever since that day twenty years ago, in Greece…"

"Um, Mr. Hoss?" Irwin interrupted.

"Yes, Irving," Delgado replied, not taking his eyes off Boogey.

"Well, we're kind of trying to put on a Shakespeare play," Irwin stated, "and, well, these guys are all messing it up…"

"You know, I could kill you and Lord Pain right now," Delgado told Boogey. "But there are worse things than death."

"Worse than me?" Grim commented. "HA!"

"You know what I think would be a fate worse than death?" Delgado went on. "If I stole your precious play right out from under your noses and directed it better than both of you ever could!"

"I'd like to see you try," Boogey challenged.

"You could NEVER understand the true meaning behind this play the way I do!" Lord Pain crowed.

"Unless, of course, you'd analyzed it for four years," Skarr muttered. "Not that I mean to say I'm far more qualified than ANY of you or anything…"

"The thing about Shakespeare is," Delgado began, turning away from Boogey, "that it's boring."

"EXCUSE me!" Grim burst out.

"None of the themes are relevant to modern life at all," Delgado went on.

"I mean, really," Skarr thought out loud, "what's stopping me from shooting him?"

"And nobody cares about old-timey Scotland," Delgado concluded. "What people REALLY care about is the future! In outer space! With ray guns!"

"OOOOOHHHH!" Billy cried. "DO WE GET RAY GUNS?"

"You bet your gassy little butt you do," Delgado answered.

"He's not serious," Grim tried to reassure Boogey and Skarr. "He's just full of hot air!"

...

"All right," Grim sighed to Boogey, Skarr, and Lord Pain. "He was serious."

"Banquo and Macbeth," Mindy chanted, dressed in silver armor against a backdrop of a lunar landscape. "ALL HAIL!"

"Stay, you imperfect speakers," Junior answered, trying to shake off how much the prosthetic cyborg arm chafed. "Tell me more. By Sinel's death, I know am thane of Glamis. But how of Cawdor?"

"BORING!" Delgado snapped. "You're not the thane of some place nobody cares about! You're the thane of JUPITER! And the witches just told you you're going to rule Saturn next!"

"By Sinel's death," Junior tried again, "I know I am thane of…Jupiter. AAAUUUUGH!" He tore at his hair. "I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!" He ran offstage.

Delgado sighed. "There are two types of people in this world," he muttered. "Those who can handle the awesomeness, those who CAN'T handle the awesomeness, and those who think they can handle the awesomeness but actually can't because it's just. Too. Awesome."

"Awesome?" Junior stormed back out onto the stage. "You think this is AWESOME? You're taking a timeless classic and RUINING it with all your gratuitous space opera junk!"

"My changes to the script are anything but gratuitous!" Delgado argued.

"YOU ADDED A LIGHT SABER DUEL TO EVERY ACT!" Junior accused.

"Somebody hold me," Skarr moaned.

"You shouldn't be directing this play!" Junior ranted. "You're just going to ruin it even more!"

"Oh yeah?" Delgado retorted. "You got somebody who can do the job BETTER than me?"

"Famous last words," Grim sighed.

"As a matter of fact…" Junior grinned. "I do."

...

"Ahhhh, the theatre!" Nergal gushed, clasping his hands as he stood in the midst of the stage. "I remember my first production of Macbeth! Admittedly there was less…barbed wire…and much less futuristic armor…and I had to play all the roles myself…but all the same, this brings back such fond memories!"

"Did we really fall this far?" Grim moaned. "Now we've got NERGAL in charge?"

"Mock me all you want, Grim," Nergal replied. "Call me whatever names you want."

"Fine. You're a loser."

"Paint me as the villain."

"You destroyed half a city trying to corner the pizza industry!"

"Question my competence, if you must."

"You can't even eat breakfast cereal without stabbing yourself in the eye with the spoon."

"But if there's one thing you cannot take away from me," Nergal concluded, "it is my – "

"Permanent aura of unpleasantness?" Grim interjected.

" – My LOVE," Nergal finished, "of the theatre."

The sound of a flushing toilet was heard. Delgado walked out onto the stage. "Sorry about that. Had to use the little spectral exterminator's room. Now, who's the second-rate loser you got to replace…me…"

His eyes met Nergal's. One minute, they were at opposite ends of the stage. In the time it took to blink, Delgado had Nergal pinned up against the back wall, chainsaw blade roaring. "NERGAL!" Delgado roared. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TRACK YOU DOWN AND DISMEMBER YOU WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE? TWENTY YEARS, TO BE EXACT! EVER SINCE GREECE!"

"No, please!" Nergal begged. "I have a wife and a child!"

"YOU HAVE DEMON SPAWN?" Delgado pressed.

"You've been coaching the 'demon spawn' to play Macbeth," Mandy sighed.

"Um, Mr. Delgado?" Junior asked. "Could you maybe NOT kill my dad so that we can get on with the play?"

"Fine." Delgado lowered the chainsaw blade. "But this isn't over, Nergal." He turned to storm offstage.

When Delgado's back was turned, Nergal stretched out a tentacle to quickly tap Delgado on the shoulder, sending five hundred volts coursing through his skin. After the shock, Delgado whipped his head around, literally growling. Nergal whistled innocently; "Static electricity?"

Delgado gave up, sitting down next to Lord Pain. "Welcome to the row of shame," Grim greeted.

"Now, about this production." Nergal looked around the stage. "It's clear to me what needs to happen here. The heart and soul of Macbeth depends on its actors. We absolutely have to have the right people in the right roles, or it just won't work."

"True," Boogey murmured.

"We must recapture the Shakespearean essence of the script!" Nergal went on. "Take the audience to the olden days of Scotland!"

"Yes…" Skarr sat up, suddenly interested. "Quite right!"

"But what is Macbeth without the TRAGEDY?" Nergal continued. "What is Macbeth if we do not convey the essence of human SUFFERING?"

"He's got a point!" Lord Pain agreed, grinning.

"But it has to be relatable to a modern audience," Nergal thought out loud.

"For once, you actually make sense," Delgado said with a nod.

"Maybe this won't be so bad after all," Grim wondered aloud.

"Wait for it," Mandy told him.

"All that's missing," Nergal concluded, "is for this excellent production…to be a MUSICAL!"

"Aaaaand there it is," Grim sighed. He, Boogey, Skarr, Lord Pain, and Delgado slumped in their seats simultaneously.

"Um, Dad?" Junior interrupted. "I really don't think – "

"Not now, son," Nergal cut him off. "I'm creating a masterpiece! We need to start with an opening number that will knock the audience dead! But not literally. Or, perhaps, literally, depending on what our ultimate goal is…"

"A MUSICAL?" Sperg complained. "This stinks! I don't dance! Dancing's for losers!"

He didn't notice the black tentacle creeping up behind him until the electric shock happened. After surviving three hundred volts, Sperg wailed, "Okay, okay, I'll dance!"

...

"The witches' prophecy is clear," Irwin sang. "My rival's doom at last is here! For he causes me no fear, and I at last will be the her…o!" He pirouetted, he leapt, he slid to the edge of the stage on his knees.

"BRILLIANT!" Nergal called through his megaphone from the director's chair with his name emblazoned on the back.

"All right," Grim moaned, "as if this whole ordeal wasn't ridiculous enough, WHERE did he get that chair?"

"Now draw your weapons for the last battle!" Nergal ordered, trembling with excitement.

Junior rolled his eyes as he unholstered a ray gun. Irwin produced an even bigger ray gun, aiming it at Junior.

A cold wind blew; the temperature of the entire room dropped several degrees. Every light flickered.

"What be goin' on this time?" Grim groaned.

"I called in the cavalry," Mandy explained. "Again."

The woman practically faded into view from nothing as she strode onstage. "Now this won't do at all," she said with a slight smirk. "Shakespearean combat with guns? This needs to be done the PROPER way." She produced two sabres with gleaming blades from pretty much nowhere.

"THAT DOES IT!" Grim stood and marched over to the newcomer. "I thought being upstaged by Nergal was the lowest of the low, but I will NOT sit by and be humiliated by Ms. Doolin!"

"Oh, Grim, Grim, Grim." Doolin shook her head. "We've already established that I'm better than you at everything. Isn't it only natural that I'm better than you at directing theatre productions? Anyway, Mandy said you weren't even really in charge. I owe THIS little mess…" She pointed at the futuristic weapons. "To one Hoss Delgado."

"Lady, I am getting real undead vibes from you right now," Delgado growled. "Let me tell you something. You'd BETTER not be undead."

"Or you'll what?" Doolin countered. "I warn you. Challenging me to armed combat might be the last mistake YOU'LL ever make."

"It's like no one even remembers when this was my play," Grim sighed, making his way back to his seat.

"I can barely even remember when it was mine!" Boogey added.

"Try these instead, boys," Doolin said, handing the sabres to Junior and Irwin. "Now, let's see what you've got!"

"With…real blades?" Irwin asked.

"For all the more authenticity!" Doolin asserted.

"Finally," Skarr sighed. "Someone who gets it."

"I have no words!" Irwin yelled, pointing his sabre at Junior. "My voice is in my sword, thou bloodier villain than terms can give thee out!" He lunged, swinging his sword with wild abandon.

"No, no, no…" Doolin sighed. "Boys. When will they ever learn? That isn't the proper way to grip it at all. Here, let me show you!"

As Doolin showed the two boys proper form, everyone else became aware of a new voice backstage: "And that's when ya gotta do the hustle!"

Curious, Nergal walked backstage to find Dracula demonstrating complex disco steps and Irwin, Mindy, and two of Mindy's friends – cast as the other two witches – copying him.

"And what do you think you're doing?" Nergal asked derisively.

"Dracula re-choreographin' this show!" Dracula answered. "Dracula hear some loser was tryin' to fill it fulla sissy dance moves! So Dracula showin' everyone how dancin' REALLY done!"

"Irwin called his grandpa to show us some REAL choreography," Mindy clarified.

"Well…I…uh…I just…" Irwin stammered. "OKAY! I DID! HE'S JUST SO MUCH BETTER! PLEASE DON'T ELECTROCUTE ME! TAKE HER INSTEAD!" He hid behind Mindy.

"Ay!" Dracula realized. "You that guy from the center of the earth! Your wife like dance moves, right? Eheheh, now, if DRACULA had gotten to her first, lemme tell ya, you'd be outta luck right now, 'cause ain't NOBODY can resist when Dracula dance!"

"WHY…YOU…" Nergal sputtered.

"I think he's going to explode," Irwin whispered to Mindy; the four students quietly slunk away.

As soon as they left, Delgado appeared. "Dracula," he seethed. "It's been a long time, old rival. About twenty years. Almost didn't recognize you without Greece in the background."

"OH, HONESTLY!" Skarr groaned. "Do you REALLY expect me to believe you were ALL in the same place at the same time? Twenty years ago! Greece!"

"It was a popular vacation destination!" Boogey argued.

"And the beaches are nice!" Lord Pain added.

"I mean, really, who doesn't want to visit the Parthenon?" Nergal added with a shrug.

"An' Dracula's charms work better on the European ladies," Dracula concluded.

"I'd stake you through the heart right now," Delgado growled, "but right now, I've got to show a woman who may or may not be undead what a REAL awesome weapon looks like instead of those sissy little swords!" He stormed back toward Doolin.

"Now, where were we?" Nergal asked. "Oh, yes. Right here." He wrapped a tentacle around Dracula, lifting the vampire into the air before slamming him against the wall repeatedly.

"Good parry, Irwin!" Doolin congratulated. "Junior, you have the grip down perfectly!"

"There will be NO sissy swords in this play!" Delgado insisted. "They need ray guns!" He grabbed the sabres away and put the guns in the boys' hands.

"No, they need sabres!" Doolin grabbed the guns and replaced the sabres.

"Ray guns!" Delgado switched out the sabres.

"SABRES!" Doolin switched out the guns.

"RAY GUNS!" Delgado switched out the sabres.

"Now, wait a minute!" Skarr stormed onstage. "Those are MY ray guns you're using as props!"

"And your point?" Delgado replied.

"My point is…YOU NEED TO STOP PAINTING BLOOD SPLATTER ON THOSE WALLS RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I'M FORCED TO DO SOMETHING WE'LL ALL REGRET!" He whirled around and pointed at Lord Pain, who had been trying to inconspicuously add to the wall décor with a bucket of red paint. Skarr charged Lord Pain, leaving Delgado and Doolin to their fight.

"You wanna go, lady?" Delgado challenged, chainsaw buzzing.

"En garde!" Doolin replied, pointing a sabre at him. The two charged each other, blades clashing, until the chainsaw blade went right through Doolin's shoulder as though it were thin air, leaving no blood or gore.

"That's it," Delgado growled. "Now I'm seventy-five percent sure you ARE undead!"

"Well done, genius," Doolin remarked, and the duel resumed.

In the meantime, Skarr had remembered the hard way that Lord Pain was equipped with a mace while Skarr's own ray gun was still in Irwin's hands. Lord Pain resumed his chase of Skarr round and round the stage.

"I DEMAND ORDER!" Grim bellowed, stepping onto the stage. "LISTEN TO ME, YOU JERKS!"

"Oh, nobody's listening to Grim," Boogey mocked, stepping up beside him. "What a surprise!"

"YOU SHUT IT!" Grim yelled at Boogey, drawing his scythe.

"That's it!" Dracula yelled. "Ain't NOBODY electrocute Dracula three times and bash Dracula against the wall!" He bit into the tentacle that had a grip on him. Or, as he would later put it, he "scraped" really hard.

Yelping in pain, Nergal tossed Dracula out onto the stage, then chasing afterward.

The eight "directors" halted in a circle, staring each other down.

"I was put in charge first," Grim growled.

"My casting choice were better," Boogey retorted.

"I studied this for four years," Skarr insisted.

"Pain and suffering," Lord Pain replied.

"Space opera," Delgado seethed.

"Sabres or nothing," Doolin snapped.

"Macbeth…the musical," Nergal asserted.

"Dracula's choreography is BETTER," Dracula snarled.

The eight of them charged each other at full speed. They would have collided and quite potentially killed each other if not for the cloud of white smoke that suddenly appeared in the center of the ring, heralding a new arrival.

"No," Delgado said, shaking his head and stepping back. "It can't be…"

"ERIS!" Grim yelled.

"A-hahahaha!" the goddess of chaos cackled. "Why, what do we have here? A school play? Well, as we all know, there's nowhere more ripe for chaos than on the set of a theatre!"

"She kinda has a point," Billy agreed.

"I've decided I'm going to turn your play into MY masterpiece of CHAOS!" Eris announced.

"Oh yeah?" Grim challenged. "And what exactly are ya goin' to do?"

"Oh, you'll find out on…OPENING NIGHT!" Eris clarified; a thunderclap punctuated her statement.

"Then why even show up today at all?" Boogey asked.

"Just to let you know that I'm going to ruin your play," Eris explained. "It's a lot more fun when I get to watch them dread it. Cheerio!" With a wave, she disappeared.

"What was SHE planning?" Doolin wondered out loud.

"Nothing good," Grim moaned. "I guess we'll just have to find out what she meant on opening night."

Thunder boomed.

"WE GET IT, PANDORA!" Mindy yelled up to the tech booth. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING EFFECT EVERY TIME SOMETHING DRAMATIC HAPPENS!"

"Awww…" Up in the tech booth, Pandora sulked.

...

On opening night, the theater was packed. Friends, relatives, and staff filed into the seats, anticipating the show.

"Our little Billy is going to be such a big star!" Gladys gushed. "Now, Harold, if you could please try NOT to fall asleep in the middle of the play this time – "

Harold replied by snoring loudly and drooling.

"Maybe this will finally make Mandy more…social," Mandy's father suggested.

"Yes! Social!" Mandy's mother agreed, twitching slightly. "That would be good…"

"I sure am excited to see Irwin get involved in the community, dude!" Irwin's dad declared. Beside him, Irwin's mummy groaned approval.

"I'm just glad this gave Junior something to do besides stare into the mirror and tell his reflection 'You're my only friend,'" Sis admitted.

"Yeah," Butterbean groaned from behind them all, her leg wrapped in a heavy cast. "Go on and talk about how good you think it's going to be. We all know that this play is going to crash and burn just like everything else that happens in this school! I should've taken that position in Townsville!"

Backstage, the directors prepped the cast for their debut. "Now, remember," Boogey coached Billy, "go on out there and be the best Malcolm you can be!"

"I'm gonna be the best Fleance I can be!" Billy insisted, smiling broadly.

"No, no, no," Boogey corrected. "You're Malcolm."

"The best Lady Macduff I can be!" Billy corrected.

"The best Malcolm," Boogey attempted one more time.

"The best Lysander I can be!"

"I swear," Skarr muttered, stitching the hem of Mandy's gown, "I will put some accuracy into this production if it kills me!"

"Remember," Lord Pain reminded Pudd'n, "it's all about the STRUGGLE OF HUMANITY! When you die tonight, DIE WITH PASSION!"

Pudd'n began to cry again.

Delgado slapped a silver breastplate studded with blinking lights onto Irwin, handing him a ray gun. "Go out there," he commanded sternly, "and BE. AWESOME. Or else."

"Despite common misconceptions," Doolin said, handing Junior a sabre, "you CAN bring a knife to a gun fight!"

Nergal drilled Sperg on last-minute choreography: "Five, six, seven, eight – no, LEFT foot first!"

"And then do like this!" Dracula swept two fingers in front of his eye; Mindy copied him. "You wanna be popular? THESE moves gonna get ya popular!"

Eris popped into the wings from thin air. "Just reminding you all of the impending chaos!" she trilled. "Chaaaaooooos!"

"Oh, this is terrible!" Grim moaned. "All these different directing styles are spoiling the play! We've got practically every side character throwing in their stupid opinion!"

"Gee, I sure can't wait to give my dad this bouquet of roses after his big debut," said Jeff the spider.

"We never got to do plays at Toadblatt's," said Nigel Planter.

"FRED FREDBURGER!" said Fred Fredburger.

"Okay," Grim grumbled, "NOW we've got practically every side character throwing in their stupid opinion. And who even knows what will happen when Eris gets her hands on this…"

"DIM THE LIGHTS!" Boogey commanded.

"No one dims the lights until I say to dim the lights!" Skarr growled. "DIM THE LIGHTS!"

Down went the house lights. Grim emotionally braced himself for the train wreck.

The curtain was drawn, revealing a moonscape against a star-studded sky. A historically accurate model of Inverness rose in the background, painted black with redd splatters; bones littered the ground. Half dressed in period-appropriate clothing but holding ray guns and half dressed in futuristic armor but holding sabres, the entire cast trotted onstage as a disco ball was lowered. The students broke out the best of Dracula's dance moves while singing: "We're warriors in space, and we've got our game faces! We just won the war for planet Neptune! The hero Macbeth just has cheated his death, but it looks like that's all gonna change soon! For here there are witches three! Who have a big prophecy! And the news that they will bring to Macbeth about whom we sing will herald catastrophe!"

Gladys twitched. Harold snored. Mandy's parents flinched. Irwin's parents stared, falling prey to the infamous "watching a train wreck" phenomenon. Sis was dumbstruck. Butterbean just groaned, "Called it."

Eris strode to the edge of the wings, looking out to the stage. "Time to cause some CHAOS!" she cried, throwing a golden apple into the midst of the action.

Grim, Boogey, Skarr, Lord Pain, Delgado, Doolin, Nergal, and Dracula watched the apple fall, practically in slow motion, and all eight let out a cry of anguish:

"NOOOOOOO – "

" – OOOOOOO – "

" – OOOOOOOOOO – "

" – OOOOO – "

" – OOOOOOO – "

" – OOOOOOO –"

" – OOOOOO – "

" – OOOOOOO!"

The apple landed.

KABOOM!

When the mushroom cloud cleared, the intricate costumes and elaborate sets were gone. There was no singing, no dancing. The set was decorated with cardboard rocks and trees. Billy, costumed as Macbeth, looked at a dagger on the table before him. "Is THIS a dagger. WHICH! I see? BeFORE ME!"

The entire audience stood up, applauding. Butterbean wiped away a tear; "It's exactly as I imagined it…"

"What just happened?" asked Skarr.

"Well, the way I figure it," Grim explained, "we all put so much chaos into the play that it couldn't handle any more chaos, and the apple just reverted it all the way back to boring normalcy the way Butterbean had it in the beginning!"

"Ohhhhh," the others all said, understanding.

"I think we all learned an important lesson today about what happens when we argue instead of listening to each other's opinions," Grim went on. After a pause, he said, "We learned that Boogey's casting decisions are COMPLETELY wrong."

"Well, I think we learned that Grim is absolutely useless as a director!" Boogey retorted.

"I think we learned that accuracy trumps shock value set design!" Skarr growled.

"I think we learned that nitpicking is worthless!" Lord Pain yelled back.

"I think we learned that the sabres were sissy!" Delgado snarled.

"I think we learned that making Macbeth into a space opera is idiotic!" Doolin snapped.

"Well, I think we learned that making Macbeth into a musical is even MORE idiotic!" Delgado added.

"I think we learned that Dracula's choreography was completely unnecessary," Nergal countered.

"Ain't NOBODY gonna tell Dracula what he did or did not learn!" Dracula yelled.

The eight stared each other down. Then they leapt upon each other, each attempting to punch, kick, or stab whomever he or she could reach.

Eris snapped her fingers, and she suddenly sat in a director's chair with a bag of popcorn in her hands. "Now THIS is a show," she remarked, eating her popcorn.

~END~