Number Four
One day, Ron and Harry were sitting at the Great hall table for breakfast, groggy eyed because at 4:00 that morning, there was a weird sort of screaming noise coming from the girls dormitory. It had kept them from falling asleep for the rest of the morning. Ron and Harry automatically assumed that it was Hermione with some so called "great news". Not surprisingly, a second later, Hermione came bursting into the room with an exited look on her face.
"OMG! OMG! OMG!" She screamed, running over to the pair.
"What? What? What?" Said Harry, pretending to be exited.
"Isn't it obvious? We have our OMG's today." Said Hermione matter-of- factly.
"Well, no." said Ron. "What are the OMG's?"
"OMG! You don't know? It stands for Ordinary Muggle Gum. OMG. It's a test."
"W-what? We have a test coming up? But I-I didn't study!"
"No you idiots! You put a piece of ordinary muggle gum in your mouth and you simply blow a bubble and it says your grade." Hermione said.
"Well, that's a stupid system." Ron said, sighing a sigh of relief.
"Don't say it! You might disturb the gum!" She yelled, looking around wildly, as if the gum might overhear them.
"Well, sorry." Said Ron. "Are we taking them with Umbridge?"
"Yeah! Isn't it great! She'll be gone at the ministry although she's not really at the ministry and she's secretly getting manicures and pedicures and she gets paid even though she's not teaching us or doing her job at the ministry and she sometimes takes McGonagall with her to get her toenails and nails done and then they go to the hair salon and the fancy muggle restaurant and eat the most gourmet and expensive meals and they use it all one Dumbledore's credit card which is really mean and then after they eat they go to pick up Trelawney from her water ballet class and then they all go to get their nails and toenails done again and then they go hair salon and get their hair done again and then they go to the fancy muggle restaurant again and eat the most gourmet and expensive meals again and then they go back to Hogwarts and Umbridge and Trelawney and McGonagall play this fake I will fire you and pretend I hate you act and then they all pretend to hate each other and then after the large crowd of people who came to watch leave, they go and get their nails and toenails done again and then they go to a hair salon and get their hair done again and then they go to these fancy muggle restaurants and get the most gourmet and expensive meals and they use Snape's credit card this time instead of Dumbledore's and then they go to get coffee after a hard day's work and use Snape's card and use the stickers to earn a cupcakes for each of them and then they stuff themselves with doughnuts at the doughnut store right across the street from the coffee shop and use Ferenz's credit card instead of using Dumbledore's or Snape's and then after that they go to McGonagall's gymnastics class together and they learn how to do a back bend flip over and then they go to Umbridge's singing class which they all really need because neither of them are very good singers and then they all go to another one of Trelawney's water ballet classes and then they all go to a sleepover at McGonagall's home away from home and my point is that Umbridge won't be here to witness our O.M.G's." Hermione said very very, very, very VERY fast.
"How do you know all this?" Asked Ron. He winced after he said it.
"Well, I heard it from Ginny who heard it from Luna who heard it from Fred who heard it from George who heard it from Lavender who heard it from Parvati who heard it Padme who heard it from Pansy who heard it from Draco who heard it from Seamus who heard it from Dean who heard it from Neville who heard it from Ernie who heard it from Crabbe who heard it from Goyle who heard it from Terry who heard it from Penelope who heard it from Percy who heard it from Bill who heard it from Charlie who heard it from and don't ask me how but he heard it from Cho who heard it from a pack of wild moose who heard it from Hedwig who heard it from Cedric's ghost who heard it from Lily's ghost who heard it from James' ghost who heard it from a pack of angry Chimpanzees who heard it from Lily who heard it from Jessie who heard it from Brooke who heard it from Shawn who heard it from Tonks who heard it from Mr. Weasley who heard it from Mrs. Weasley who heard it from Mrs. Malfoy who heard it from Mr. Malfoy who heard it from a pack of angry Yeti who heard it from Mr. Parkinson who heard it from Mrs. Parkinson who heard it from Mcnair who heard it from Dumbledore who, by the way started that whole gossip line of how Filch was getting married to Mrs. Norris and who started all of the other gossip chains, who heard it from Jack who heard it from Moe who heard it from Snape who went to the underground passageway underneath the Statue in the Great Hall which lead to the secret passage way behind the portrait of the dancing troll which lead to the secret passage way behind the portrait of Fluffy which lead to the passage way in the fancy muggle restaurant and heard it from Umbridge herself!"
"Sorry I asked." Ron said.
"Boy does she talk a lot." Harry agreed.
"Oh, shut up you two." She snapped.
"Touchy." Ron murmured to Harry.
"Look, here comes Fred and George. I wonder what they're doing here." Hermione said, changing the subject.
"Okay, fifth years follow us." George said. "
"Oh, I get it, Fred and George got in trouble and their punishment is to take us to the O.M.G's and sit through us getting our scores." Ron concluded.
When they reached Umbridge's office (which is where the students took the O.M.G's) they were pulled in by pairs of three's. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were the first group to be picked. When they entered the office, they were surprised to find that her office was quite different. The room was so much bigger and huger than what it used to be, it was almost impossible. The walls were painted a sky blue and her furniture was in a closet which was clearly marked UMBRIDGE'S OLD FURNITURE with several holes in the door where kids had used spells to ruin her old furniture. Her pink chair was replaced by a hanging blue hammock and her white desk was replaced by a wooden desk that was definitely not organized like Umbridge's old desk. The drawers were gone and in their place were bean bags of all different colors (except pink) and different colored lounge chairs (again, except pink). There were also book shelves, but instead of books in the book shelves, there were an assortment of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. On the walls were many pictures of the Weasley twins, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Bill, Charlie, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley ("What about me? I'm their brother!" Ron complained.) Probably the best thing about the revised version of Umbridge's office was the fact that Fred and George let doggie plates loose on her kitty plates.
Fred waved his wand and the bean bags flew toward them and plopped themselves down in the big empty spot in the middle of the room.
"Alright you three. Take out your gums. And yes Hermione, we teach the OMG's this year." George said before Hermione could even open her mouth.
"No way!" yelled Ron.
"Yes way, little ickle Ronykins." Fred said. The three of them took out their gums.
"ME FIRST! GRANGER COMES BEFORE WEASLEY AND POTTER, SO THEREFORE IT SHOULD BE ME WHO GOES FIRST! AND PLUS, HERMIONE COMES BEFORE RON AND HA- oh wait, Harry goes before Hermione, BUT WHATEVER, NO ONE JUDGES THE DICTIONARY BY FIRST NAMES! IT'S ALWAYS THE LAST NAME! LIKE, FOR INSTANTS, IF YOU WERE TO FIND OUT IF THE NAME TWIZZLEERS LICORICE, OH WAIT, THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE, BUT SPEAKING OF LICORICE, I REALLY LIKE LICORICE. I EXCPECIALY LIKE THE RED KIND AND I DON'T LIKE THE BLACK KIND, BUT I GOT OFF TOPIC. I SHOULD GO FIRST ON TAKING OUR O.M.G'S BECAUSE GRANGER COMES BEFORE WEASLEY AND POTTER IN THE DICTIONARY BUT EVEN THOUGH HARRY COMES BEFORE HERMIONE IN THE DICTIONARY, LIKE I SAID, NO ONE JUDGES THE DICTIONARY BY FIRST NAMES, AND PLUS, I HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN BOTH OF YOU AND A WEASEL, which I heard are very intelligent, COMBINED! I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT NOW! JUST NOW! THAT'S HOW GENIUS WORKS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I PROBABLY HAVE MORE BRAINS THAN THE WHOLE SCHOOL AND 1,000,000,000, WEASLES WHO HAVE THE BRAINS THE SIZE OF THE EIFFEL TOWER! MY POINT BEING, I NEED TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO TAKE MY O.M.G'S! !AND I HAVE ONE MORE THING TO SAY, MMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOORR RRRRRRRTTTTTTT!
Case closed."
"S-ssure." Ron squeaked.
Fred and George had stared at her with a blank look on their faces.
"Bravo! Bravo! Well done! Great job! Encore! Encore!" They shouted. Hermione slapped them.
"Ouch." They said in unison. "Okay, you can go first as long as you don't slap us again."
Hermione gave a smile that looked like it belonged to a 5 year old. With that, she popped her gum into her mouth and began to chew.
"Mmm mmm. Smells like someone used a breath mint before coming to take their O.M.G's. Thank you. You know, I've been in peoples mouths' who smell like a baboon's backside. Well, unfortunately I am here to give you your grades, not chat, so, let's go over the rules and the grades.
Rules:
*You may not text during your O.M.G's. You need to concentrate for your grades to come out the way they're supposed to be.
*You may not have pencils, knives, forks, pens, sharp glasses, fine tip sharpies, broken glass, scissors, sharpened crayons, squared waffles, porcupines, pointy hair, Mohawks, chisels, pumpkin carvers, ducks, or anything that is pointy or could possibly pop me.
*You may not try to pop me yourself.
*Don't talk. You could pop me.
*You are not allowed to talk about me in a gossip manner. It's rude.
*You are not allowed to make comments about my comments when I come out of your mouth. I must admit, some of them aren't exactly nice.
*You cannot try to swallow me.
*Basically, don't harm me and we'll be good.
Grades:
O.M.G! = OH MY GOSH! (In a good manner)
O= outstanding
M= medium
G= glaugh!
B= baboons backside
I wish you the best of luck on your O.M.G's and that you are upset with your grades. I also wish to remind you that you may not brag about your grades to anyone that would be bullying. Another reminder is that Hoggy is a bully-free zone and bullying is not aloud, blah blah blah, and then I go on for another hour talking about Hoggy is a bully free zone and how it is mean and that there is a difference between muggle bullying and wizard bullying and that difference is that muggles use their words, and wizards use their wands, and the story about this oaf-like kid who blasted this other kid with his wand all in protection of this stupid gigantic spider which is a really weird pet…."
And the gum really did go on for another hour talking and talking until she had finished her speech. She was about to go on for another extremely long speech about another kid, but Ron pulled out a toothpick and threatened to pop her.
"Okay! Okay! I'll give you your grades! Sheesh. Okay, let's see…. B, no, G, no, M, no, O, no, O.M.G, yes! Congratulations, Whiney Stranger! You have gotten the first O.M.G of the past 25 years! Yay!"
Hermione screamed joyfully and accidentally popped the bubble.
"Ooh! You broke three rules! You will be in so much trouble!" Ron said, pointing his finger at her.
"Well, I don't really care because she was mean. Did you hear her call me Whiney Stranger? I'm gonna tell the whole school. Ooh, and I'm gonna brag about my grades to Pansy Parkinson because she thought she could beat me!"
"Gasp! You broke 2 more rules! And her code of conduct!" Ron yelled.
"Well, at least she didn't have any of the sharp objects she mentioned." Harry said. Suddenly, all of the objects the gum had mentioned fell out of her pockets.
"Now you've broken every rule except one." Ron said. At that very moment in time, her phone fell out of her pocket.
"HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! HERMIONE GRANGER HAS BROKEN ALL OF THE RULES OF THE GUM! SHE'S IN BIG TROUBLE!" Harry screamed. Fred and George began to clap again.
"Woo hoo! Another rule breaker to add to our rule breaker list!" Fred cheered. Hermione slapped them, again.
"Okay. Harry's turn!" yelled George.
Harry sat down on one of the beanbags and removed another piece of gum from the pack, and popped into his mouth. As soon as he did so, it started to yell,
"YOU! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KILLED MY SISTER! MURDERER! WE'VE GOT A MURDER ON OUR HANDS! HOW DARE YOU! Oh wait, gum doesn't have hands, OH WELL, YOU STILL MURDERED MY SISTER! COME ON NOW! FIGHT LIKE THE MAN YOU KNOW THAT YOU AREN'T! I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR FACE LIKE A PUMPKIN CARVED BY A BABY! 'CAUSE YOU ARE A BIG, FAMOUS, STUPID, MURDEROUS BABY!" The gum continued this rant for several more hours until Harry finally told it that he was not the one who "murdered" his sister, so then it repeated the rant to Hermione whose face had now lost all trace of color. In the end, they had to pop the bubble. The next gum was way nicer. It calmly went over the rules and then gave out Harry's score.
"And the final score of Harry James Potter's 5th year's O.M.G test hosted by Fred Weasley and his twin George Weasley with Harry's two best friends Ron Billius Weasley and Hermione Jean Granger in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on Hogsmeade Station Road in London in Britain in Europe on planet Earth in the galaxy, on planet Earth in Britain in London on Hogsmeade Station Road in Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry whose headmaster is Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore who lived in Godric's Hollow with Harry James Potter whose score on his 5th year O.M.G test is O.M which means acceptable. Phew."
There was silence in the room as the gum finished its story. Harry broke the silence by starting a slow clap which finally got the whole room clapping, then whistling, then cheering, then screaming, then jumping up and down, then jumping up and down and clapping and whistling and cheering and screaming all at the same time. Unfortunately, while whistling, Harry popped the bubble. This act of unkindness (more like accidentally causing the death of a gum) lead to fighting and yelling and getting angry at each other, until Ron picked up a banjo and banged it against the wall to quiet everyone down. It worked.
The twins then proceeded to take out another strip of gum. It was now Ron who popped the gum into his mouth.
"Phew! Do you need a mint! Anyway, the score for Ron's test is a B. Which, if you forget, means a baboons backside. In other words, you are considered a stupid failure, and your family should be disgraced and disown you. Have a great rest of your day." The gum said.
"Hooray! It's my best test score ever!" Ron said sarcastically.
And so ends the tale of the golden trio's test scores. And that is all I have to say.
Thanks for reading!