A bunch of Naruto-related WI and AU drabbles and ideas inspired by a list of "What Ifs" posted by, I think, Inuzuka Tsume.

For my first, we assume that Sakura in fact is the daughter of the infamous Orochimaru.

(A fair number of these will be Sakura-related. I admit she improves over time, and is semi-badass in the post-time skip, but she's annoying and ineffectual enough for so much of the early series that I find myself compelled to mess with her).

This probably requires Orochimaru's hurried departure from Konoha taking place not that long before the Kyuubi attack (say, 9 months + however much older Sakura is than Naruto) and leaving behind a pregnant Haruno (which I think is workable with the known chronology): he'd have to take said Haruno with him if he left earlier.

Most likely, even if he knows of her existence, he is not particularly interested: he has bigger fish to fry than raising small children. (Mental image of an annoyed Sound Nin giving a 6-year old Sakura a pony ride: but I really have trouble seeing Orochimaru as a family man. After all, if you plan to be immortal, what need for heirs?)

So, quite possibly nobody knows _who_ Sakura's father is, and after the killing and horrible experimentation and kitten eating and such her mother remains mum, and sighs in relief when Sakura is born with little resemblance to her father.

One could take this in several ways – say, with canon Sakura discovering the identity of her father at some point, perhaps during the encounter in the forest of death:

"That hair is quite…distinctive. Ku ku ku…tell me child, was your mother's name…"

"When you come to me, Sasuke, bring the girl along with you if you can. She may not be worth much, but I have a certain…proprietary interest in her."

Of course, Sakura being Sakura, she _will_ come along, and unless one of Team Shikamaru manages to grab her and tie her to a tree, she ends up at the Valley Of The End trying to get Sasuke and Naruto to stop fighting, which could go badly.

Sasuke grimaced.

"Eeew - I think I got her brains all over my shirt."

A distressed expression momentarily crossed his face before being suppressed.

Naruto, in anime cliché terms, was a stone statue. Occasionally bits flaked off.

"She always did get in the way, didn't she, dobe?"

Sasuke dropped his sneer as the landscape turned blood-red. One, two, three, then four tails of poisonous chakra arose into the sky.

Hn. I really should have gone with "momentarily stunned back to reality, but unable to change my path" rather than "heartless SOB", Sasuke thought.

Or perhaps seeing Sasuke in full Dick Mode, she gets over him faster.

Sakura, clinging with chakra to the Cliffside, fifty feet below the boys, listening to Sasuke rant.

Sweet Buddha, I have finally heard something dumber than Naruto's "Ode to Ramen." It must be someone impersonating Sasuke - yep, sure, it's all been a misdirection, Sasuke must be - please, oh Kami, please - must be somewhere else than HERE

Or we could have a more Orochi-esque Sakura: either a more mad-scientist type Sakura (with Naruto as her dopey henchman [1]):

"Gee, Sakura, should we be doing this?"

"Naruto, you want to be Hokage someday, right?

"Hell, yes!"

"Then you'll probably have to get involved in even nastier stuff to get there. Now be a good guy and keeping pouring the acid into the pit until all movement stops, and I'll buy you ramen afterwards."

Such a Sakura might pursue a more pro-active policy towards obtaining Sasuke:

Sasuke shifted his head inside the cage of wires while he tested the strength of the shackles and belts holding him to the table. He frowned. This was going to really mess up his hair.

"Sakura, stop this and let me go. You're being ridiculous."

Sakura grinned and lowered her goggles over her eyes.

"You'll think differently in a minute, Sasuke-chan! Naruto! THROW THE SWITCH!"

"Yeth', Mithtress!"

"Naruto, what have I told you about eating Ramen while we're…NO! NARUTO, NOT THAT SWITCH…!!!"

But then she might at times save the day…

Where the hell are they, Orochimaru asked himself. He scratched – the skin was beginning to chafe…

"You crossed the forest of death…in a flying machine?"

"It's amazing what you can fit in one of those big sealing scrolls, isn't it? Anyway, once we got a scroll, there's nothing in the rules against it, Iruka-san."

Sakura stalked through the streets, almost oblivious to the ongoing fighting, accompanied by the world's only existing two pig-iron-and-razor-wire clones. She ground her teeth and clenched her fists. "Damn it, daddy…horning in on my city…"

She stopped near the Hokage Tower, gazing up at the epic battle now unfolding within a blue cube of chakra. There was a flurry of leaves, and a masked AMBU appeared in front of her.

"You have to get to safety, miss..."

Sakura sighed. "Always with the over-elaborate plans. One wonders if dad ever bothered to read the "Evil Overlords' Handbook."

"Dad?"

"I mean, this is a scenario where a simple application of overwhelming force should rapidly change the situation."

"Hold on a minute…"

Sakura made some hand gestures, and immediately long paper ribbons began to shoot out of the sleeves of her long, white, high-buttoned coat [2] and wrap around the Hokage Tower. Long paper ribbons covered with sealing symbols.

"Stop that, you crazy.."

THUNK went the pig-iron clones fist.

"You know," Sakura mused, "if, after I blow the tower to bits, that chakra cube remains suspended in air, I'm going to feel really silly."

[1] They're pinky and the gaki,

yes, pinky and the gaki,

one's a genius and the other's wacky…

"Gee, Sakura, what do you want to do tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, Naruto – try to take over Konoha!"

[2] Which she usually wears with goggles, knee-length boots, and black, shiny gloves.

Or a Sakura that takes after her father physically, either in inherent physical abilities -

During an early D-ranked mission, trying to get a cat out of a tree:

"Wow! How are you doing that, Sakura?"

(Sakura suddenly realizes that in reaching for a cat perched on a thin branch of the tree she's in, her arm has just stretched to five feet. Background flash of Inner Sakura with head exploding: Sakura faints and falls out of the tree).

Kakashi (inner dialog, after catching Sakura): 'I know of only two clans with that sort of ability. Sweet Buddha, I hope it's the other one.'

Anko slapped her head and groaned.

"That's the third time today you've managed to tie yourself in a knot, Sakura! Are you actually interested in learning how to use your bloodline in a fight, or is this just a plot to keep me away from my sweet, sweet dango?"

"Shhtupid bloodlinn…" muttered Sakura.

"Heh. Seems she has you wrapped up pretty good, Zaku!" sneered Dosu.

"Bitch broke my nothe.." grumbled Kin.

"Will you asstards stop joking around and get her off me? I'm having trouble breathing here, and the fact she's trying to chew through my arm isn't helping!!"

"Come on, Choji, it's three-to-two now!"

"Well, you beat me, Sakura. Guess I'll have to drop that "forehead girl" crack now..."

"Thank you, Ino. I was hoping that we could…"

"Now that I think of it, "octopus girl" is better. Or perhaps "worm girl." Or maybe

"Gumby…""

"Die, Ino-pig!"

-or in certain externals.

"Hi there, snake-eyes!"

"Shut it, Ino-pig!"

"Damn it, Naruto, stop bugging me and go away!"

"But you're the only one for me, Ino-chaaan…"

"Iruka-Sensei?"

"Yes, my best student?"

(Sweatdrop)

"Um, Iruka-Sensei…why are there always ANBU following me around?"

"Oh, nothing to worry about Sakura, nothing at all, ha ha ha!"

(Sakura "Death to you, Naruto" glare, with extra vertical pupil emphasis)

"Oh God no don't kill me – err – heh, heh! It's just some crazy rumor about you being the daughter of an evil genius madman, and it's a purely precautionary measure. Oh, and the people who lost family and friends to his fiendish experiments might try to kill you for being his daughter, if they put any credence in that whole crazy rumor, which nobody believes in anyway! So, nothing to worry about!"

"You're sweating, Sensei."

"Ah, yes – we really need to get that air conditioner fixed!"

"Does Naruto also have an evil genius parent?'

POOF

"Ok, 'body flicker' away then, see if I care…damn, I'm depressed."

"Naruto, do you think Sasuke might find me cute wearing these sunglasses?"

"Hmm- you do look cuter now: not as cute as Ino, of course, and a bit less cute than Hinata: but better than before, definitely. Say, about like that purple-haired girl in row three."

THUMP

"Ow! What was that for!"

"While the boys are practicing their chakra exercises, we'll start on some more sophisticated techniques. Some more advanced genjutsu tricks, and some basic medical field jutsus."

"Thank you, Kakashi sensei!"

"Of course, if you use anything I teach you for evil purposes, I'll kill you myself."

"Urk."

"Hello, Haruno-san. My name is Morino Ibiki. We just need to ask you a few questions about what passed between you and Orochimaru in the Forest of Death. Now, you just sit in the Comfy Chair over there – this will probably take until lunchtime."