A/N: I was going to wait til xmas to post this, but seeing as I'm leaving for The Land Without Magic - I mean The Land Without Internet - tomorrow I suppose I'll post it now. Everyone have a merry xmas and watch Once Upon a Time. It's fantastic and halfway through season 2. You should be able to catch up fairly easily.
Please disregard anything Santa-related that occured in the previous xmas episode. This was written beforehand.
'Twas the night before Saturnalia and all through 4A not a creature was stirring - mostly because Sheldon abhorred the thought of rodents and insects in his home and took measures to insure against the filthy, disease-ridden creatures.
Which was why Sheldon was so confused that he awoke in the middle of the night. His REM cycle schedule was perfect. He almost never woke up before he was supposed to, and even then it was due to outside forces.
After their apartment had been broken into Sheldon had taken various safety measures against another such threat. That included taking a leaf out of Penny's book and keeping a baseball bat under his bed.
Sheldon stayed quiet in a effort to hear the potential intruder. For all he knew it could be Leonard, who had decided to spend Saturnalia with his father, coming back early.
He heard a curious shuffling sound and decided to carefully investigate. Grabbing the bat from under his bed, he quietly tip-toed down the hall. He remembered every baseball "lesson" his father and brother had tried to teach him and held the bat at the ready. What he saw startled him almost to the point of paralization.
Some man dressed as Santa Claus had invaded my home on the eve of Saturnalia? They couldn't possibly think I would fall for that. I haven't believed in Santa Claus since I was four when I recognized the handwriting on my gifts to be mommy's and Meemaw's.
He walked right past the fireplace without seeing it.
"Excuse me, sir," Sheldon called out, bat held at the ready. "I have a blunt instrument and due to my eidetic memory I remember every lesson I had as a child. Not to mention that if I scream loud enough my neighbor will likely hear and go junior rodeo on you. She's not someone you want to oppose."
'Santa' turned to face him, but lost his balance as he tried to avoid hitting the end table. His size didn't help in the fall, and as his head hit the closet door handle behind him Sheldon heard a horrible CRACK. 'Santa' was down for the count. With a (presumably) dead Santa Claus lying on his floor, Sheldon could only think of one thing to do.
*Knock knock knock* "Penny?!"
*Knock knock knock* "Penny?!"
*Knock knock knock* "Penny!" he cried frantically.
As Penny opened her door, half dressed, she shouted, "Oh my god, Sheldon, it's 1am Christmas Day. I swear to god, someone had either be dead or you better have got me a lifetime membership to some spa." She only noticed how frantic he was once she stopped talking. "What's got your panties in a bunch, sweet cheeks?"
"Penny, this is no time to joke. Santa's dead in my apartment!"
Still half asleep, Penny thought she must've heard wrong. "Come again?"
"There is a man in a Santa suit dead in my living room, Penny. There's no time to waste. We need to figure out what to do." He walked quickly back to his apartment, leaving Penny standing in her doorway looking confused. She jumped when Sheldon screamed and ran to his door. What she saw confused her even more. There was a Santa suit lying on the floor next to the Christmas tree she made Sheldon put up, but there was no one in it, as Sheldon had claimed.
"He's gone!" Sheldon exclaimed. "Oh dear lord, what is happening to me? I must be dreaming. That's it. I'm dreaming. Penny, please tell me I'm dreaming!"
Penny raised an eyebrow and settled her hands on her hips. "Would I be standing in your apartment in my underwear if this was one of your dreams?"
"Maybe, if I thought it would help me accept the dream as real," he said distractedly. He had grabbed a pair of latex gloves and was now carefully going through the suit's pockets, hoping for some form of identification. What he found was a business card.
Santa Claus
North Pole
Sheldon turned the card over and read "If something should happen to me, put on my suit. The reindeer will know what to do."
"Sheldon," Penny said. "When did you get a fireplace?"
"Don't be silly, Penny, we live in an apartment complex on the fourth floor. No one in this building has a fireplace." He had returned the card to the pocket he in which he found it and continued his search.
"Then why do you have a fireplace all of a sudden?"
He turned to look at her and saw her pointing behind him, at the wall where the window was supposed to be. Only instead of a window there was now an intricately decorated, warm fireplace.
"That's impossible," he breathed. "Not merely improbable, as most things you say are impossible, but really, truly impossible."
Penny interrupted his thoughts yet again when she spoke. "Well, since there's no body to dispose of I say you get rid o' the suit and pretend you never saw me in my underwear. Merry Christmas, I'm goin back to bed."
They never spoke about it again, but whenever there was a mention of Santa, or the decrease in presents people had gotten in comparison to previous years, they would meet each others' eyes and resolve once again to never breathe a word.
Surely the elves could find another Santa.
Right?