I see it. I see light. And yet, darkness is coming around me. Should I be afraid of the darkness? For I am not. Now, there are stars. I am free-falling from the highest peak, to the lowest crevice. Is this how it all ends? Was this how it was supposed to end? Do I really leave all to their own devices?

Am I floating? I know not. I do not feel airborne, yet I do not feel land. Everything around me is lit with radiance. Everything looks so warm. So, why do I feel so cold? I am not dead. Not yet. Will die though? Is that the plan?

Will the Valar not pity me?

I hear, but cannot comprehend. I see, but cannot focus. I feel, but cannot react, cannot understand how I should react.

Am I already dead? Is this some sort of hell? Pergatory? A passing, a crossing from one world to the next? Surely not the West. Not the Undying Lands. Has the Valar taken pity on me? For, I now know, I am dying.

If I am not dead already.

Scorching heat, freezing cold, torrented water, tumulous wind. I am naked, yet it doesn't matter. I am dead. Why do I still feel? Why do I still see? Still hear? Still think?

Am I to be here for an eternity? My stay in Middle Earth was to be as such, and now I know that has changed. Everything can change. That is the way time is. Is there time here? Does time exist anymore for me? Eternity does not mean much anymore...immortality was supposed to be a gift. A gift! What kind of gift is it to watch those you love around you grow old and die? To feel lonely, bored, useless? What is the point of immortality if you cannot share it?

If you cannot love?

I have friends, and now I leave them. I have enemies, and now I leave them. Will I appear as a spirit to guide my friends? Will I haunt my enemies in the after-life?

Is there an after-life?

What is the point of immortality if you still cannot know all the answers? What is the point of being a Maia? If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have wanted to be created...

Yes, I would have. Even near death, one cannot lie to themselves. Near death? I thought I decided I was dead! Strange, I still do not know. Could I be reborn? Reincarnated? Resurrected? Why I want to? Do I want to go back to being an Istari, as Gandalf the Grey?

To go through another life time of never knowing the correct, full, and true answer?

We are never meant to know. We just have to sit back, and trust the Valar, trust Eru, to not let us feel any pain. I pity those who do not believe in our God. For I have seen him. I know he is good and just.

So why am I still here?

I would like to be resurrected. Do I deserve so much? Do I deserve a second chance to help my friends? To save the beautiful world that the gods themselves created? A chance to witness my own and others' stupidity and mortality?

Will I still be able to go to the Undying Lands?

I just have to wait. Wind, can you carry me? Fire, can you make me a phoenix, to rise? I have now passed through fire and water, and yet, I have felt nothing. I feel content. I feel...reborn. I am no longer Gandalf the Grey. Gandalf the Grey died in the fire, in the water. I lived on. I will remain to help those who need it, to be a messenger of hope, a beacon of truth, an angel. I have passed through fire and water, and I am living.

I am Gandalf the White.