I'm Rimmer, Doctor Rimmer! (draft)
(Cat and Lister lie on the bunks in the quarters, eyes glued to the TV. The Dr Who theme music can be heard faintly as a back drop)
CAT: What is this Rubbish?
LISTER: It's a TV show from the 21st century, about some medicine man who's on a quest to find his name. He's Called "The Doctor"
CAT: Doctor Who?
LISTER: That's the point, no one knows. It's a load of smeg to be honest; it was rerun when i was a kid. All the bad guys are made of cardboard and tin foil. They look like giant pepper pots on wheels.
CAT: (pointing) Who's the curly guy in the scarf?
LISTER: That's the Doctor, He's the time travelling guy.
CAT: Why are we watching this crap?
LISTER: It's to take my mind off the hunger, we're out of curries.
(The Doors open and Rimmer enters humming the Dr Who theme Tune)
RIMMER: Oh are you watching Dr Who? Splendid! Always loved that Show.
LISTER: I might have known.
RIMMER: Yes, endless days i would spend playing with frank, John, and Howard, Pretending we too were travelling through time and space. What fun we had, the four doctors! (Grimaces) Well, the three doctors and K9. I was the only one small enough to play the tin dog.
CAT: The Only one barking enough more like.
(Kryten appears on the screen)
KRYTEN: Mr Lister Sir, if you care to bring yourselves down to the Experimentation Deck, I believe I've solved your Curry Problem.
LISTER: You are amazing Kryters! We'll be right there
(Cut to ship in space with incidental music, then back to Lister, Rimmer, and Cat entering the science deck.)
LISTER: What you got for us then man?
KRYTEN: Ah sir. I have adjusted the brain scan machine to work using the subconscious impulses in your brain, by plugging you into the Hard Light simulation system, i can create artificial versions of whatever you desire, that will taste and feel like the real thing.
LISTER: You mean we could create a whole stock of Vindaloos and Lager?
KRYTEN: In theory yes.
RIMMER: Never mind the Curries, we could create anything, we could create a new earth, the way we remember it. 3 million years of evolution and change would be erased.
KRYTEN: Alas no, The Simulation suite can only create things as big as red dwarf themselves, and is unable to create life other than that which we have a hard disk version of for it to model on. However It is perfectly plausible for us to conduct our curry experiment and try and upgrade the system at a later time.
LISTER: Right, let's do it man. What have a I got to do?
(Lister stands inside a small tank labelled "Brain Scanner")
KRYTEN: Nothing sir, it is imperative that you relax, and let the machine use your subconscious do the talking.
RIMMER: It's not going to work...
KRYTEN: Sir, Please, I think i know what I'm doing.
(presses a red button, creating an immediate explosion.)
RIMMER: (Black Faced) Of course you do.
CAT: (Covered in soot) Look what you did to my suit!
LISTER: I take it didn't work then?
KRYTEN: Alas no, however, according to the Psyscan, there are several life forms registering in the lower decks. Identifying themselves as "Dar-Lecks"
CAT: Darlicks? Aren't they those salt shaker thingy's from the Professor show?
LISTER: That's em, I think this is bad
RIMMER: Bad isn't the word. They're cold blooded killers, intent on destroying everything but themselves.
CAT: I think this would be a good time to blast em with the sub-atomic ray guns and fly away in the light-speed escape shuttle.
KRYTEN: An expertly designed plan with just two drawback sir.
LISTER: Alright folks, we need some sort of plan, theres gotta be some way of killing the smeggers.
RIMMER: Only the doctor could do it, but we can't create him, we don't have his Brain Disk.
LISTER: No, but we do have a tape of his shows. (To Kryten) Could you create a disk from that?
KRYTEN: Theoretically yes sir, however, as red dwarf is only capable of creating one hologram, it would mean using Rimmer as a base for the Hologramatic Version of the Doctor
RIMMER: Me as the Doctor? Me, risking my life to save you lot? Me, fearless, brave, and above all, unkillable? You really have the power to turn me into an undefeated sex icon? It may cost me my sanity, but thats a risk I'm willing to take...
CAT: Oh just do it, shut goal-post head up once and for all.
LISTER: Do it kryt.
(Cut to Rimmer inside the brain scanner)
KRYTEN: Engaging mind extraction, mind extraction engaged
DALEKS: (Off-screen) We will destroy these doors, you will be exterminated!
KRYTEN: Inputting mind patch, mind patch input complete
DALEKS: (Banging against door) EXTERMINATE!!!
KRYTEN: Doctor creation complete
(Close up on Rimmer. He is dressed in a long coat and scarf with curly hair and a hat on his head.)
CAT: He looks like he just walked out of a costume party with a snowman and some detective!
(close up on rimmer)
RIMMER: (Ace Rimmer Style) Lets kick some dalek arse.
(The daleks bust through the door, the Rimmer doctor does not face them)
DALEK: We are the daleks, we are superior, You will all be exterminated!
(Rimmer doctor turns around slowly to face them.)
RIMMER: Exterminate this!
(Lister, Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all give the daleks the finger.)
RIMMER: It's time to play Smeggers!
(Rimmer-Doctor walks up to the dalek at the front and bends his eye stalk upwards.)
DALEK: You are the doctor! You are The Doctor!
RIMMER: Damn right I am!
(Kicks one dalek, it explodes)
CAT: Dude, you kick some Dalek butt!
DALEK: (last one standing) You are the doctor, you will be exterminated!
LISTER: Twat him!
CAT: Spill his guts!
KRYTEN: I believe now would be a good time to, erm, Kick some dalek arse sir.
(Rimmer's eyes widen, he turns back into normal rimmer)
RIMMER: Oh dear.
DALEK: I believe the word you are looking for is Smeg! EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!.
(The Dalek approaches Rimmer, his eye stalk beaming)
LISTER: Get out of its way Rimmer!
RIMMER: Can't. Frozen with fear.
KRYTEN: Theres nothing e can do! As long as Dr Who lingers on Lister's subconscious he'll be able to exist and wreak havoc on us all. We are, as Mr Lister would say. In the Smeg!
(the dalek disappears approaches lister)
DALEK: EXTERMINATE!
(The dalek fires it's gun at lister, but the ray backfires and hits it, it explodes)
CAT: What happened?
KRYTEN: Of course! The Dalek stupidly went for Mr Lister, and shot him, killing him instantly. But without Mr Lister's mind, he didn't exist, meaning he never existed to shoot Lister. Unable to cope with the paradox he created, he killed himself.
RIMMER: All that happened in a second?!
LISTER: It's like the doctor said on the show isn't it, time isn't a straight line, it's all-
KRYTEN: Wibbly-wobbly! Exactly! Now, how about that curry experiment?
CAT, RIMMER, LISTER: NO!
(close up on a guilty Kryten)
THE END
(Cut to credits)