Author's Notes: I really love the idea of Zelda acting like Kate from "Taming of the Shrew." I think it makes for a rather hilarious story, and an overall good time. Not smut (for once), just good ol' fashion humor and an epic battle of wits between Ganondorf and Zelda. Oh, and Zant is thrown in there too. I don't own them, but I wish I did. :D
Why do bad things always happen to me? What makes me so different from any other Hylian maiden aside from the stupid crown and frilly dresses I have to wear? I'll tell you what: Ganondorf. He has to be the most annoying, infuriating, egocentric, sadistic man the light has ever touched.
Or, more likely in his case, never touched. I glare daggers at him from across the room. The moron doesn't seem to notice. Instead of meeting my eyes, he merely concentrates harder on the book he is reading. I see a vein thump in his temple and I have the sudden urge to test the elasticity of that vein, pulling on it until it pops clean out of his dark head.
Now you might be wondering why I loathe him so much. Well, aside from usurping power over my kingdom, exiling my father, and scaring the bloody hell out of my people, he apparently thinks I need a babysitter. And trust me, this is no ordinary babysitter he picked out for me.
No, I managed to get lucky enough to be blessed with the babysitter from hell.
Zant. Just hearing the name makes my blood boil. Upon meeting the false "king of twilight" I had an overwhelming urge to bludgeon him to death with the sword Ganondorf held in his hands as he gave me a mocking smile and told me to welcome the new guest.
Well the "guest" has over stayed his welcome. Besides annoying me to the point of insanity, I do believe Zant is beginning to take his toll on Ganondorf. I figured that would happen sooner or later.
Did I mention Zant follows Ganondorf and me around like a lost puppy? And he tries to get me to dance, sing, and jump up and down with him.
I think not. I believe if he ever requested that of Ganondorf he would find himself either with a broken neck or in the Hyrule graveyard. I would not stop Ganondorf, if anything I would rally with him to kill that pathetic little weasel of a man.
For once, however, Zant seems to be missing from my footsteps. Hence, the reason I am standing here, tapping my foot with hands on hips and glaring at the Dark Lord. I cough. He still refuses to look up. Now I really want to kill.
The closest target would be the redheaded pig sitting in front of me. I use the term pig both loosely and literally. In literal terms, I know what creature resides inside Ganondorf, the wild boar that I would love to take truffle hunting sometime. In figurative matters, his personality gives him the same kindness as a cactus. Though he is quite nice on the eyes, his chauvinistic attitude and cocky character make me want to vomit all over his prim and proper self.
Suddenly the door creaks open and the faithful puppy prances in. Ganondorf looks up as I clench my fists. I catch his twinkling golden eyes and he holds me there for a moment, distracting me until I hear the familiar, loopy voice of Zant. I grit my teeth as I peer behind me.
"Why, fancy finding you two here at this time of night."
"Where else would we be, Zant? Mayhaps on the moon?"
I growl at the Twili idiot. He doesn't seem to get the hint that I hate him and would really like to dismember him. Ganondorf snickers to himself and I shoot him a glare to end all glares.
"Zant, please leave us alone for now, I need to speak to the princess in private."
I give Ganondorf a questioning look. He nods at me. Zant looks like he is about to cry.
"But…but…"
"NOW!!" Ganondorf roars and I see Zant cower and scamper out of the room.
Once again, I am left alone with Ganondorf. Time to let the rage out.
"What in Din's name were you thinking when you brought that twilight nuisance here to my castle?" I fume at the Dark Lord. He smirks at me.
"I thought you needed someone to look after you while I am away." I clench my fists together and stand on tip toe to be at least a little closer to Ganondorf's height.
"You think I need a bloody babysitter do you? I'M TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD!! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWICE, YOU PATHETIC GIT!!" I rage at him as I feel my heartbeat in my head.
He grabs me by the shoulders and hefts me a few inches off the ground, not really hurting me but stunning me into momentary submission.
"And you are throwing a tantrum like a two year old." He looks calmly down at me as I wriggle in his steely grasp. Suddenly I find myself being thrown over his shoulder and my already sensitive stomach collides solidly with his shoulder. I sputter for a moment before my fist meets his back. He grunts.
"Didn't anybody ever teach you to respect women, you swine" I snarl at him.
"Didn't anybody teach you to respect your elders, my dear princess?"
I growl very loudly and kick him in the stomach. He recoils a bit and staggers to the side.
"Elders? You're twelve years older than me, that hardly makes you my elder you slime!" He chuckles and I feel his abs move against my foot. He is built like a god, I have to admit.
"Really? I'm immortally stuck at 38 and yet I'm not older than 26? That doesn't make sense to me, my dear princess." He sets me down and I sulk.
"I'm not your princess."
Ganondorf tips my chin up and brushes a stray dark lock away from my face. Suddenly I forget my rage, instead finding myself enthralled in those lovely amber eyes of his.
"No, I suppose you're not my princess, are you?" I shake my head emphatically. I will never be his princess. Never. Why does that sound so much more convincing in my head? His smiles softly at me for a moment before the ever present smirk returns to his face. He points to a corner of the room.
"Now, be a good girl and go stand in the corner to think about your behavior." My brain suddenly shuts off and I launch myself at him, pinning him to the ground, my fingers wrapped as far as possible around his neck.
"Quit treating me like a child!" I feel myself being flipped so I am beneath the Dark Lord. He pins my hands above my head with one easy swipe. I struggle against his massive weight.
"Do you have any idea who you are dealing with, my dear?" His eyes glow bright yellow in anger.
"I'm not afraid of you, Ganondorf. Everyone else might be, but I can see you for what you really are." His eyes soften some as he lowers his head to mine. I lock eyes with him as his mouth slowly descends to meet my trembling lips. He kisses me for all he is worth, pulling back to gauge my reaction.
"Are you still unafraid?" For once the tone is not arrogant, but unsure. My hands are still pinned above my head as I nod truthfully. He releases my hands, opting instead to pull me rather close to him.
"You're very strong, Zelda. Don't let anybody ever break you of that, do hear me?" I smirk up at him, feeling his heart quicken just a bit as our eyes meet again. I trace the outline of his jaw.
"Ganondorf, you and I are a lot alike. I don't think either of us can have our spirits broken. Bones, perhaps, but they can mend…how are your ribs?" He winces a bit as I gingerly touch the place where my foot decided to implant itself earlier.
"I'll be fine, I promise." I give him a skeptical look. He releases me from his grasp and stands up, offering me his hand as a gentleman would. I take it but notice he cringes as he pulls me to my feet.
"Okay mister, this way, I'm going to heal you whether you like it or not." He sighs as I drag him into his room and push him lightly so he sits on his enormous bed. I chew on my lip as a decidedly evil smile plays on his lips.
"Whatever is running through your twisted mind, no way." He grins at me and kisses the back of my hand.
"Scared yet?"
"No, but you should be. You're going to be the first person I've healed by magic. Either that or you'll grow a second head."
"Third, actually." He grins at me as I roll my eyes.
"I did not need to know that. Now quit stalling, put your arms up." His grins get wider as I realize the position I have just put myself in. Damn it!
I pull his shirt off of his broad torso. I notice the huge bruise just below his rock solid chest. My fingers absently run up and down his chest when I notice something else. An old scar that seems to be reopening.
"What's this?" I touch the mark and he sighs.
"That was the sages' failed execution." Ganondorf avoids my eyes. Before I realize what I am doing I plant a soft kiss on his chest. He looks at me and smiles.
"What was that for?"
I shrug.
"Just something I wanted to do. Now, lie back and relax." He chuckles.
"Easier said than done, especially the relaxation part." I sigh and shake my head. "Hush, now close your eyes, this may feel hot at first, but it will stop burning after a moment or two."
The magic entrusted to me by the goddess Nayru radiates through my body. I feel it begin to tingle on my fingertips as I press them to Ganondorf's chest. He groans in pain as the heat shoots through his body. In seconds, though, the pain is gone, the bruise has vanished, and I am victorious in my healing attempt.
"Are you alright?" He nods, pulling me down on top of him.
"Thank you, Zelda. You're a peach, you know that?" His smile is true, if a bit teasing.
I quirk my eyebrow at him.
"A peach with fangs, no doubt." He smiles and nods, murmuring "of course" in my hair. I laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his strong arms around me, twisting a long lock of my hair around his fingers. We lay in comfortable silence for a while.
"Zelda…you know you'll make a wonderful queen." I snort. "I'm serious. You're strong, intelligent, beautiful, what more could Hyrule want?"
I think for a moment.
"You think so?" He nods, kissing me gently on the lips. I don't struggle, merely accept that he is now a bigger…and better part of my life.
"So…Zelda…how soon would you like to be queen?" I cock my head to the side. Is he asking what I think he is asking?
"Ganondorf…I"
"If you won't be my princess, will you be my queen instead?" I smile and quirk my eyebrow at him again.
"You really think you want me as a wife? As a queen? You think you can handle me?" I give the man I've been locked up with for a month a teasing smile. He grins at me.
"My dear, I'm not afraid of you. If anything, you intrigue me. I'd love to spend the rest of my time finding out who you are, what you want, and how well you kiss." I give him a puzzled look.
"But you already know how I kiss." He grins at me.
"I know how you kiss, yes, but there are other perks to kissing, you know?" I sigh, giggle, and roll my eyes. We cuddle together against the many pillows on his bed and slowly drift off to sleep. Before I'm completely out, though, one single question pops into my head.
Where is Zant?
The End