I forced down the hard white pills, cringing slightly as the bitterness slid unwilling down my throat. I picked up the menacing piece of steel that lay inconspicuously on the kitchen counter and limped out of the room. I hesitated as I pressed my boney hand against the bathroom door, my sallow paled skin contrasting with the firm oak. No, I couldn't undo do this; I was already in much too deep. I opened the door and headed to a corner, making sure to lock it before I began. I was suddenly aware of the weight of the blade in my hands. It glinted wickedly in the artificial light, reminding of what I planned to do. I sat down and peeled back the sleeves of my shirt, revealing the ghostly white skin underneath. I found room among the ugly scars that crisscrossed my arms and pressed the knife down. I barely flinched as I drew it across my arm, I was use to pain. The ruby red blood swelled out of the wounds and spilled onto the cold tiles.

Weak

Useless

Stupid

Ugly

Whore

Selfish

Ungrateful

Pointless

After a while I stood and reached for the taps to wash off the evidence of my twisted self torture. Or I would have had I not been hit by a sickening wave of nausea.

Too many pills.

Shit.

Then I dropped.

"Hayley? Hayley are you- HOLY SHIT!"

A voice tore through to my cloudy consciousness. No. No shouting. No Hayley. Hayley sleep now.

"Oh my God Hayley! Hayley can you hear me? Oh God… Zac!"

Pouring footsteps, someone running.

"What the hell?" Another voice. Shocked like the first.

"I came to get something from my bags and I found her like this…"

"Shit is she alive?"

"She's breathing but her heart is beating really really fast and I think she's split her head. Call an ambulance…GO!"

I squinted against the blinding white light and inhaled the distinct smell of disinfectant. Everything was bleak and white. A middle aged man stood near me, smiling as he noticed me stirring. I gasped as pain shot through my veins from the back of my head. I winced as I ran my hands through my hair, feeling dried blood fall out of it.

"Well hello Hayley, I'm Dr Mathews. You're at the Royal west hospital. How are you feeling? Do you know what happened?"

"Um… I fell and I… I don't know actually. It's all blurry."

"Mhmm. I don't like the look of those scars." He gestured to my mutilated arms, playing the card of fatherly/doctor concern. "How did they happen?"

"Uh.."

Think fast Hayley and make it sound convincing.

"I think I cut myself when I fell. Yeah, that's it."

I could see he didn't believe me, not for one second. But he wasn't going to get anywhere and he knew it.

"Do my friends know I'm here?" I asked, trying to change the subject as discreetly as I could.

"Yes, would you like to see them?"

"Um yeah, if that's ok."

As if on cue, Jeremy, Taylor and Zac walked in, their hands full of presents. They gave me a massive group hug and I couldn't help but smile. I looked up as the last remaining member walked in. His eyes were read and glassy and he looked like he would punch anyone who gave him the wrong look. The others picked up on the suddenly somber mood and left quietly.

"Hayley.." he whispered.

"Hi Josh" I replied anxiously.

"Why?"

"It hurt Josh and the cutting and the drugs helped."

"What hurt?"

"Everything… It hurt so fucking much! And it still does."

I felt the familiar damp sting of tears forming behind my eyes.

"Why the hell didn't you say anything?" he asked.

"Because," I whispered my voice breaking as the tears finally fell. "You're the reason I started."

"You- Wait what? You started taking drugs and cutting yourself because of me?"

"Look, I'm sorry…"

""You're sorry?" he snarled, suddenly angry. "You've got to be fucking kidding me! I'm the one who should be sorry, I'm the one who let you join the band!"

He turned to leave and I felt my already beaten heart finally shatter.

"Josh" I sobbed. "Please, I said I was sorry!"

He turned to look at me, his eyes filled with rising anger.

"Fuck off."