Title: Poetic Justice
Author: Sosa Lola
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Rate: NC 17
Setting: S6 BtVS episode "Seeing Red"
Summary: Angry that Spike attempted to rape his friend, Xander engages into a fight with Buffy that results to a wish that will, obviously, be granted immediately.
Note: This fic starts right after the scene where Xander finds Buffy in the bathroom in Seeing Red.
Thanks to my sister, lusciousspike, faith_harris and devo79 for the lovely beta
Xander brushed his fingers on his throbbing nose and realized it was a bad idea when it flared under his touch. The pain should have lessened by now, but it hurt just as much as when he had left the Bronze. Warren had gotten all Mighty Mouse on him, which meant something weird was going on. Those nerds always got freakier by the second.
He winced when he attempted to touch his nose again. He should have accepted Willow's offer to come downstairs and put an ice pack on it. However, that could wait. He had better things to discuss with Buffy first. He straightened when the door to Buffy's room opened.
"How're you feeling?" he asked when Buffy came out of her room, now dressed and looking ready to face whatever Warren was planning. Without waiting for an answer, Xander let out a humorless chuckle. "Stupid question. What I meant to ask is: how's the bruise?"
Buffy didn't look pleased with the fact that he was standing in front of her room, waiting for her to come out after finishing treating her bruise and dressing up. "Where's Willow?" she asked, ignoring his question.
"Dining room with Tara," Xander replied. Willow had found some leads on to Warren and they were all supposed to be downstairs where the files and books Buffy had found in the trio's lair were.
Buffy made a move to the stairs only to be stopped by Xander's hand grabbing her arm. "After we deal with Warren, I'm going after Spike," he whispered so Willow and Tara, who were downstairs, wouldn't hear.
"No, you're not," Buffy whispered back, pulling her arm free and continuing her path.
Xander jumped to stand before her, blocking her way. "I will," he confirmed.
"Xander, whatever happens between me and Spike isn't of your business."
"Yeah, you told me this morning," he replied bitterly. "But you know what? It is my business. You're my friend and he hurt you."
"I'll deal with it myself. Now move out of the way." She pushed him to the other side and kept on walking.
"Right. Like the way you dealt with Angel."
Buffy stopped walking. She turned around and faced him, her eyes showed shock and anger. "It's different with Angel."
"Yes, it is. Because Angel has a soul, Spike doesn't. So killing him is the right choice." He cast her a challenging look.
She turned her full attention to him, her expression impatient. "Xander, if you go anywhere near Spike…"
"I can't believe you!" he exclaimed, not caring if he was heard. "You're defending him after what he did to you."
"Tried to…"
"Same thing in my book," he interrupted before she went on with that silly distinction. "You stopped him. If you didn't, he'd have gone through with it."
Buffy shook her head tiredly, turning toward the stairs. "I don't need to listen to this…"
"I can't understand this. I can't understand you," Xander went on with his complaints as he followed her to the stairs. "What do you see in him? I wouldn't touch him if my life depended on it." He stopped following her in the middle of the stairs, Buffy was about to make one last step and then turn to the dining room. "Seriously, if I was in your place, I'd have handled it better," he said in determination.
"You wish," Buffy muttered.
Suddenly, blinding lights were everywhere around him. Xander gasped when all he could see was white, his gasp turned into a scream of horror and pain when he felt his bones crushing against each other. He clenched his face at the feeling of something squeezing inside his body so hard he couldn't breathe. His hand grabbed the banister, preventing him from falling. It didn't take that long, though, suddenly the pain stopped and the white light disappeared. Xander fell one step ahead, but his firm hold on the banister stopped him from falling down the stairs.
"Oh God, Xander," Buffy gasped from under the stairs and rushed to his side. "Xander, I'm sorry, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to."
It was then when he noticed the dark long locks of hair that filled his vision. With his weight balanced by one hand, the other one went to remove the locks. He pulled on them but they didn't go, they were actually attached to his head. Looking at his pulling hand, Xander noted with fear how his sleeve dangled from his very slender, almost hairless hand. He felt his pants slipping down and frantically grabbed at them. It was almost impossible to keep them hanging on his narrower waist.
"What's going on?" Willow asked as she and Tara dashed out of the dining room. They stared at him with wondering eyes. "Who's this?" Willow asked, looking him up and down, until her eyes grew wide.
Swallowing anxiously, Xander looked down at his body. He was met with a large shirt that stopped around his knees and a much crumbled pair of pants. What made him almost faint was the pair of mountains on his chest. The hand holding the long hair attached to his head went, shaking, toward them… it didn't reach them because Buffy grabbed hold of it.
Xander looked up and saw her face marred by guilt. "I'll fix this."
Unfortunately, all he could hear at the moment were Warren's scornful words at the Bronze, "You hit like a girl."
Xander could feel their eyes on him, examining him like he was some freak of nature. They all appeared nervous, especially Dawn, who fidgeted in her seat and looked like a scared deer. Tara left the living room and headed to the kitchen. Good, one pair of staring eyes was out of the room. He would have preferred staring at his lap than looking at them, but he didn't want to see the mountains again.
"Buffy will fix it," Willow reassured. Xander just stared at her before he chose to look straight ahead at nothing. He knew who was behind this. Buffy had said the 'W' word and that idiot friend of Anya's couldn't help but jump into duty. It was as if she had nothing better to do than to keep her ears nice and ready to hear a whiff of that detested word.
"Do you want some water?" Tara's tender voice startled him out of his angry mental rant. He gazed at the glass of water in her hand, and while his dry throat longed for it, Xander shook his head no. Tara set the glass in front of him in case he changed his mind and went to sit next to Willow.
They waited in heavy silence, each one of his friends looking uncomfortable and uncertain what to do or say next. Xander hoped they would just stick to being quiet and let him be. He was even more aggravated with the ticklish locks that sat messily on his shoulders and poked his neck. He wi –catching himself- he wanted Dawn's rubber band to tie it back. Dawn twitched nervously when she caught him staring at her neatly pulled back hair.
The front door opened and everyone jumped before turning their heads to the door with relief except for Xander who just stared at it numbly. Buffy walked into the living room, looking tired and unhappy. Xander wanted to ask her what happened, but feared he would hear his voice if he did.
"Did you find Anya?" Willow asked and flicked a concerned look in Xander's direction. He tried to smile his thanks, but couldn't bring himself to do it.
"I did," Buffy answered, her eyes unable to meet Xander's. "She… she was the one who granted the wish."
Feeling the weight of the news dropping on him like a loaded sack of bricks, Xander stared at Buffy with his eyes widening in disbelief.
"How?" Dawn asked. "For Anya to grant wishes, she has to be…" she stopped talking when realization hit her. "Oh."
Xander felt his heart beat faster. Anya was a vengeance demon. Anya did this to him. Not Halfrek. Anya!
"How?" Dawn asked softly.
Buffy glanced at Xander before looking at Dawn. "After the wedding, D'hoffryn offered her her job back. She accepted."
"And from the looks of it, she won't lift the curse," Willow concluded. Buffy shook her head.
"Did you try reasoning with her?" Tara asked.
"I threatened her." Buffy sighed. "Didn't go well. She said for the curse to be lifted Xander has to…" she trailed off, looking at her lap.
Xander finally focused his gaze on Buffy. "What?" he mumbled hoarsely.
Buffy looked at Xander with so much guilt, her lips fluttered but nothing came out. She cleared her throat before she answered in a quiet, calm voice, "Anya wants you punished. And… she thinks the best way for you to get punished is to experience what she and I had."
Xander frowned, nodding for Buffy to give him a clearer answer.
She looked down at her lap again. "If you want the curse gone, you have to sleep with Spike." She looked at him with regretful eyes. "Otherwise, you'll remain a girl for the rest of your life."
Xander gripped hard on his loose pants, his eyes froze on Buffy's sad face. His body trembled uncontrollably. He flinched when he felt Willow's gentle hand touch his shoulder, but didn't look at her. "Xander," Willow whispered. "Why don't you lie down? Get some sleep. It's better for you."
"You can use my room," Buffy said, probably in an attempt to make up for throwing that wish in the air in the first place.
Xander didn't want to move, but he didn't want to stay in a crowded room even more. Being alone with his thoughts was definitely a better idea. He nodded and let Willow walk him to Buffy's room. The further he was away from their gazes and pitiful expressions the easier he could control the raging emotions inside of him. He had never felt this much urge to cry before in his life. His insides screamed for him to grab Willow into a tight hug and break down, but his pride wouldn't allow it. At least not in front of others.
Instead of crying, he let Willow coax him to lie down on the bed and tuck him in. When he heard the quiet sound of the door closing shut, he let go of the tears forming in his eyes and felt them wet his dry cheeks.
The soft knocking on the door drifted to his ears and forced him to wake up out of his restless sleeping. The sunray coming through the window hit his unadjusted eyes. His gaze landed on the small, feminine hand in front of his face. His hand. He shut his eyes in humiliation, recalling the events of last night. It had taken him awhile to fall asleep with the swarming thoughts in his head. He had heard Dawn's voice outside the room yesterday, asking Tara if they should check on him, but Tara had thought it was better to leave him alone for the moment.
He buried his face in the pillow, careful not to squash the unwanted bags on his chest. Anya was the one who put them there. Anya, who was currently a vengeance demon, had probably gone back to her old ways to get back at him. As if watching her boning Spike wasn't punishment enough, now she wanted Xander to screw the bastard or else his life would be doomed forever. Thanks a bunch, Anyanka.
The image of Buffy on the bathroom floor with her bruised thigh and tearful eyes filled his vision. How could Anya do this to him? Forcing him to beg the jerk that hurt Buffy to have sex with him. Xander knew he hurt Anya real bad, but whatever he had done didn't deserve this cruel sentence. If only she had killed him instead.
The room's door suddenly opened. He froze in his place, keeping his eyes closed. "Xander," he heard Buffy whisper. Hopefully, she would leave him alone if he pretended he was asleep. The sound of the door closing made him relax until he heard Buffy's footsteps approaching then felt her hand go to his longer hair, caressing his locks tenderly. "I'm sorry," she whispered again.
He wanted to shout, yell that he wanted to be left alone, maybe even throw her out of the room. But the strong desire not to hear his new voice stood in the way. Instead he opened his eyes and lifelessly pulled himself into a sitting position. Buffy sat before him, but he stared right through her, too focused on his own misery to notice her.
"So, I found Warren and the others," Buffy started softly. "Warren's newfound strength was because of some Orbs. I took care of them and now he's a normal Joe again. The police were able to capture Jonathan and Andrew. Warren ran away, but I'll find him."
He just stared ahead blankly, unable to bring himself to care, not when he was feeling his woman breasts hanging from his chest.
"Xander," she murmured. "Please, look at me."
He breathed, blinked when needed, but his eyes continued to stare into space and his lips were sealed shut.
Buffy held his hand and squeezed. "I'm sorry," her voice wavered. "I should've known better, I know. All this time scolding Dawn for saying that word…" Her grip tightened. "I'm really, really sorry. I'll fix it. I swear."
The door jerked open, startling them both. Warren was standing at the door, looking seriously pissed off. Xander blinked shocked eyes at him, how did he get into the house? Did Buffy leave the front door unlocked again? Xander's gaze focused on the gun in Warren's hands and his body froze with fear.
"You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that?" Warren laughed crazily. "Think again." He raised the gun and fired wildly at them.
Xander felt himself being shoved off the bed to the other side by Buffy. He tumbled to the floor on his new body parts, which hurt like hell. Warren's gun kept firing but the sound of gunfire was fading into nothingness, making Xander's eyes snap open. He looked at the door and there was no Warren. Quickly getting up, his eyes frantically searched for his friend. "Buffy?" a voice that didn't belong to him came out of his lips. He walked around the bed, his heart thumping in fearful anticipation. His vision panned slowly to the other side of the floor behind the bed where he found Buffy. She was lying on her back on the floor, her eyes staring upward, an ugly red spot on her shoulder.
"Oh God," he whispered, his chest heaving. He dropped on the floor next to her, noting how her eyes closed slowly before they opened again. "Buffy? Buffy!" His hand pressed against the wound causing more blood to well out. "Oh God!" He ran toward the door and screamed, "Willow! Willow!"
Xander shifted from foot to foot in front of Buffy's hospital room. Tara's jeans wrapped tightly around his legs and thighs. He couldn't possibly leave the house without pants, but his old ones wouldn't stay on his thinner body. He still kept his shirt, would never wear something that would make them more pronounced.
They had arrived on time. Buffy went straight to surgery and the doctors were able to pull out the bullet. Thankfully, it was only in her shoulder. Xander, Willow, Tara and Dawn had been sitting in the waiting room for over five hours before the nurse allowed them to enter Buffy's room.
Willow, Tara and Dawn didn't hesitate a bit as they dashed inside with happiness and relief. Xander, however, couldn't help but stand outside anxiously. Two women passed him, making comments on his unflattering large shirt and trying to hide their mocking giggles from him. He ignored them and just stared at his hands, covered with Buffy's blood. He bit his lips, remembering the crazy morning. Buffy had pushed him out of the way and got shot, she had sacrificed her life for him, and he had been an ass to her. It wasn't her fault that Anya was ready for anything to happen so she could hurt Xander back. It wasn't Buffy's fault he was turned into a woman.
His eyes squeezed shut. He was a woman now. A woman. A whole different person.
Shaking his head, he decided to just go inside and deal with his dilemma later. Buffy was more important now. He peered into the room, but couldn't see her. Willow, Tara and Dawn were blocking her from his view. That made him more courageous to go in. He shuffled inside, like a ghost, and just stood by the door, not daring to go further inside.
Dawn sat next to Buffy on the bed, allowing Xander to see his injured friend. It didn't take long before Buffy noticed him. "Hey," she whispered, smiling at him. The other girls turned to stare at the door and had smiles of their own at the sight of him. Willow and Tara backed a little to allow him to stand next to Buffy.
Xander didn't move. "You saved my life," he said, hating his new voice.
Buffy nodded. "Always will."
"How… how are you?"
"Good. Have a slayer's healing to my advantage." Her smile grew warm. "Come here."
Xander made unsure steps forward before he stood right in front of her. He wanted to fold his arms around himself, but then he would feel the breasts, so he just decided to let his arms dangle at his sides. Buffy held one of his hands and squeezed, then pulled him into a hug. He hugged back, forcing his tears to remain inside his closed eyes. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Buffy," his voice quivered slightly.
"Let's never find out," she whispered in his ear.
Xander finally decided to look at himself in the mirror of the Summers' bathroom. He blinked at his reflection before he pulled his hair behind his ears to get a better look. She… the reflection looked astoundingly like himself. Only feminine. It was as if he were looking at his twin sister. His eyebrows were smaller, but not as delicate as his friends', they always plucked them. His nose was also smaller, but his eyes and lips looked the same, probably. His face looked really smooth, the gray stubble on his chin was completely gone.
He was shorter, probably as tall as Willow. But he could only fit into Tara's pants and doubted that he would fit into Buffy's or Willow's. His hair was longer at about shoulder length, but wasn't as coiled as his hair was last year.
He dreaded the next move, but knew it was a must. He quickly took off his shirt and Tara's pants then gazed at the mirror. His upper chest and shoulders were visible in the bathroom's small mirror, but he couldn't see them. Going a few steps back to stand by the wall in front of the mirror, he could see now to his waist. They were bigger than Anya's. They looked nauseatingly nice. His nipples were bigger now that he was a… a whole different person.
He turned left and right and they jiggled with him, he turned faster and they jiggled faster, jumped up and down and they jumped up and down with him. He stopped when he felt them hurt. That was why girls needed bras, because jiggling boobs hurt.
His breath caught, he was going to wear a bra. He was going to feel 'secure'. "Shit," he muttered. Then he stomped his foot. "Shit! Shit! Shit!"
"Xander!" Dawn's voice called from outside.
Brushing back his hair, he let out calming breaths. "Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
No, he wasn't okay. His ex-fiancée turned him into a chick, how could he be okay?
"Yeah, just getting ready for shower," he called back.
"Good. We're ordering pizza, you want yours large and thick?"
What question was that? He always ate large and thick. Now that he was… changed, they thought he would eat medium-size just like them? No way. He was a man and he ate like a man.
"Yeah!" he answered, his voice irritated.
"Okay." He heard her footsteps moving away.
Now he must take a shower, even though he didn't feel like taking one. He looked at the feminine products in the bathroom, they were pink and some had flowers on the bottle. Damn it, he was not a girl. He was not a girl. He was not a girl. A flashback of the 'farts' at the frat house forcing him to wear a wig, a bra and a skirt flashed in his mind, how they made him shake his bootie like an idiot before throwing him out. His fists clenched in humiliation. He looked up at his girly face, his eyes becoming red and threatening to shoot tears.
He couldn't take this, anymore.
There she was, sitting at the Bronze talking a clueless girl into wishing her poor boyfriend some super hilarious curse. Xander would not allow that. No poor sucker was going to suffer any vengeance crap whatever it was he did. So Xander marched into the club, right to Anya's table and slammed his angry fists against the wooden surface.
Anya and Clueless startled. Just looking into Xander's pissed off eyes had Anya recognize who he was. A smirk played on her lips as she looked him up and down. He was wearing the blue blouse and jeans Tara had offered him to wear after he finished his shower, except he had skipped shower and escaped from Buffy's window into the night going on vengeance demon patrol.
"Change me back," he ordered.
"Can't," Anya replied coolly, then turned her attention to Clueless. "So, you were telling me, your boyfriend had been cheating on you…"
Xander grabbed Anya's arm and spun her around in her chair to meet his eyes. "Change me back," he repeated in low dangerous tones. Clueless glared at him, wanting him to take a hike and leave the only person who cared enough to listen to her pathetic whining.
"I said, can't. Didn't Buffy tell you how that could happen?" Anya snatched her arm from his grip, now standing up, arms crossed over her chest.
"This is so low, Anya, you know I won't go for this," he gritted, realizing that he didn't need to bend his neck down to look her in the eye. Right now he could just look ahead and there her eyes were, full of scorn and satisfaction.
"Which is perfect for me, that way you'll stay like this for the rest of your entire existence," Anya said. "Besides, it's not that bad. It's better than what I had in mind."
"It's not that bad?" Xander mumbled in disbelief. "It's not that bad!" he snapped, startling a few people around him, including Clueless. "Anya, do you know that you ruined my life?"
"And you ruined mine," Anya retorted. "I had it all, Xander. Love, friends and a future. And you just took it all away."
Xander closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. He looked at Anya, showing sincere understanding and apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Ahn. I didn't mean for it to turn out that way."
"But it did. Right now I have to prove myself to D'hoffryn, and so far nothing I do meets his approval. He thinks I'd gone soft. And now I'm more alone than I ever was." She looked back at the table where there was no trace of Clueless. She had escaped, knowing that Anya was no good. Anya cursed and looked at him with a grimace. "You're just getting what you deserve."
"I wish you just killed me," he said bitterly.
"No one wished you death," Anya pointed. Her expression became sympathetic and she gave him another look-over. "C'mon, it's really not that bad. Your woman version is actually lovely."
Xander frowned, anger coming off him in waves. "Don't you get it?!" he yelled. "I'm a whole different person. I can't go to work, I can't pay the rent because I can't interact with people who know me but know nothing about demons and creatures of the night. I don't even exist anymore because my birth certificate says male!" He waved his arms in the air, frustrated. "You ruined my life, Anya. And don't give me crap about how I ruined yours. You chose to be a demon again, I didn't choose this."
Anya pursed her lips, looking a bit thoughtful. Hopefully, he got to her. Hopefully, somewhere inside she would remember how much she used to care about him, that her punishment wasn't fair at all. Her eyes met his after awhile, but for some reason they weren't reassuring. "You know how to reverse the curse, Xander," she said as if she was talking to a small child.
"Anya, you're not serious." He was starting to get desperate, about to throw himself at her feet begging for a sane way out.
"I'm sorry, Xander, Buffy wished you in her place, which means having sex with Spike and in a female body." Anya shrugged. "Being a female is part of it. Not the real punishment."
Hot sting of tears welled up behind his eyes as his lips trembled. "Isn't there any other way?"
Anya shook her head.
Xander stared at her in defeat. There was no need to argue any further, Anya couldn't make him a man again. Only he could do that, if he just let Spike shove his rapist penis into his virgin vagina. A small moan escaped his mouth and he knew he was close to breaking down, but he wouldn't do it in front of Anya, he wouldn't give her the pleasure. He quickly turned around and walked jadedly, straight line, toward the exit of the Bronze, knowing that Anya was watching him as he retreated.
Payback was a bitch. Roles reversed with him walking in a daze to the exit while Anya watched just like she had walked sadly down the isle while Xander watched. Both betrayed and rejected, both denied their requests. Back then he couldn't marry her and right now she couldn't turn him back. Karma at its worst.
Outside, he wasn't sure if he was surprised or not to see Willow running toward him with relief written all over her face. She stopped before him, taking deep breaths from running a long distance. "There you are." She looked at him with a smile. "The pizza arrived and we couldn't find you. Thank God for locater spells."
He stared at her numbly as he hugged himself. His shuttering teeth bit his lower lip when he felt his arms press against the two bags on his chest.
Willow approached him, laying a hand on his shoulder in worry. "Xander…"
Feeling his lips tremble and his eyes water, he shoved himself into Willow's embrace. His eyes released their tears on Willow's shoulder and his breath came in hitching gasps when the sounds of sobs escaped his lips. Willow's arms enveloped him tightly while a hand ran down his longish, smooth hair. She started to murmur nonsense words of comfort, ones he couldn't really hear because of the piercing sound of his pathetic weeping. Okay, so what if he was wailing like a woman in front of Willow and every passing person. He would be stuck like one for the rest of his life. Better start acting like one from now on. His pride be damned.
Xander placed the candy boxes on the shelves one after the other, trying his hardest to avoid Jake who was hovering near him. Waiting for the perfect moment to lend his manly hand and help his poor helpless co-worker do her job. Xander didn't really mind Jake's attempts of help, because they added to Xander's Time-Out. If there were any advantage to being a girl, it would be having a guy crushing on her and doing all her work and she still got paid for it.
It had been three months since Xander was cursed and two months of him working here at Sunnydale Market store. All which were the worst things that had ever happened to Xander. Being a woman was just way different from being a man. Sure, he got rid of morning shaving, but he got to have monthly periods instead, which were the most disgusting and humiliating experiences in his entire life. He also got more useless during nightly patrols. When he was a guy, he had the muscle and body that came to advantage even when he didn't have the fighting skills. As a girl, he was weaker and smaller and literal damsel in distress, waiting for Buffy to save him. So he stopped kidding himself and gave up patrolling with Buffy entirely.
He still kept the apartment, but lately it was occupied by Xander's loser sister who would use it while Xander had to fly to Germany for an urgent brain surgery. The brain surgery lie was mostly used to fool the construction company, who were shocked and upset for him and for losing his needed help on the almost finished project of rebuilding the old high school. He was touched. The problem was that he needed a job to keep paying the rent. Tara was able to get him a job at Sunnydale Market as a Shelf Girl, the girl who stocked the shelves. Willow helped with the identity cards and all the requirements he needed to be able to live as a girl without messing with male Xander's records.
While he was mainly called Xander's sister at his building, he preferred his co-workers at Sunnydale Market to call him Xander, even though many commented on how weird this name was for a girl. He would never accept anyone calling him Xandra or Xanderia or Alexis or any other feminine shortening for Alexander.
As for his clothing, Buffy had insisted he go to the mall for clothes that fit him - especially underwear. He had refused, of course, reminding them that this whole woman experience was temporary. So the girls had decided to buy him what he needed: PJs, different bras and a few panties, which he never used. Xander had tried all the bras with Willow's help until he found his actual size. Willow had bought him several cotton bras without laces. Ones that were comfortable, practical and nowhere near sexy.
For everyday clothes, he had borrowed a few from Tara because she was the closest to his size. Some of Dawn's stuff fitted him as well. He made sure to take only pants, large T-shirts and blouses, nothing that made him look girly or gorgeous or adorable or female. Sadly, he didn't have that option at work. He was forced to wear the cute feminine uniform everyday to work, at least he had the option not to put on make up and pull his hair into anything other than a simple ponytail. When he was at his apartment, he was free to wear his own clothes, basically his boxers and undershirts. The cute fluffy PJs the girls had bought for him were never used. He never took off a bra, except to change into a clean one. Not even when he went to sleep. Just because they prevented his boobs from getting in the way and hurting… and taking them off made him feel weird and uncomfortable. Why didn't Anya make him a flat chested girl? Obviously because it would have been less humiliating and being humiliated was the whole idea of this punishment.
Those three months felt just like Star Trek's final 'Voyager: End Game', a pure hellish nightmare, where alcohol was Xander's real friend as it helped him forget sometimes. Days without alcohol were spent on bitching about his crappy life. Getting hit on by Jake, getting his monthly periods, having to wash his woman body everyday and on top of that having his friends getting used to his new situation when he still wasn't was too much for him to handle.
Thing was they all tried everything to change him back. Long hours of research and asking around in witch and demon communities brought nothing. The only way to turn Xander into a guy again was to sleep with Spike who was nowhere to be found after his disgusting rape-attempt. If they were in normal circumstances, Xander would have been trilled to be rid of him, but since Spike was his only hope to be a guy again, he didn't find any pleasure in his disappearance. Tara's locator spell told them that Spike was out of Sunnydale, but she couldn't locate where. Xander wanted Willow to try because she was the superior witch, except that Willow didn't do spells anymore, not even for Xander's sake.
They had called Giles as a last resort. He too couldn't find another solution. Not only that, but he didn't come back either. Apparently Xander's miserable situation was on the lowest of Giles' list of priorities. Oh, yeah, Xander was floored… NOT! If it were Buffy or Willow, Giles would have jumped onto the first plane, but because it was Xander, it was a no big deal. Heck, he didn't even come to his wedding. Willow had told him Giles had problems he needed to handle with the Council at the moment. There was also another 'valid' excuse for his non-show at the wedding, but Xander knew it was bullshit. He just didn't matter to Giles. And lately, he didn't seem to matter to his friends who forgot about his misery and went on with their lives.
Dawn had called him out on his new angry attitude. He was becoming a difficult person to be with lately. Always angry. Always sulking. What did they expect? That he would be happy and just accept the fact that he was a Tootsie. Let them turn into the other gender, see how they could handle it.
Xander sighed for the tenth time, tempted to pull on his hair from frustration. He was supposed to drive Buffy and Dawn to the new high school today, the one he was supposed to be in charge of constructing if he had still been a guy. It was Dawn's first day and it was special and Buffy bought her a cell phone and everything. But as usual, he was too caught up in his lousy life to pay attention to his friends. When he had called Buffy's mobile three hours after his appointed pick-them-up time, she had hung up on him. They were obviously mad at him, and it wouldn't take long until they got so fed up with him they would stop inviting him over.
He had already blown off all invites to the Bronze or anything public, afraid he would meet Anya by accident or someone he knew. When they would gather at Buffy's, he would stay sullen throughout the night so much so that his friends stopped trying to cheer him up or talk to him, but kept inviting him out of obligation.
It wasn't fair that they expected him to just get over it. To just accept who he was now and move on with his life. With each day passing by, Xander was becoming less optimistic and more pessimistic. He was drowning in depression and losing everything that made him Xander, including his friends.
He walked to his fridge and gazed up at the pictures of him and his friends that hung on it, ones taken when they were in high school, others after high school. Naturally, Anya's face was torn off of any picture that included her. His eyes lingered at a picture of him, Buffy, Willow and Dawn on the Summers' lawn. He would never be able to go on with his life if he kept acting this way. He wouldn't be able to survive without his friends in his life. Maybe he should just accept. Biting his lower lip, he reached for a picture of Buffy, Willow and himself in high school. He looked at himself lying on Buffy's thigh, all male and grinning happily. Tears flowed down his cheeks easily, as time passed he had gotten used to them, and he knew he would have got to get used to this. Just give up, he would never be a guy again. He would be stuck in a girl's body for the rest of his life and he should just start moving on and live the rest of his life as a female…
Solid knocks on his door startled him. He returned the picture to the fridge and wiped his tears before he made his way to the door. Buffy stood outside with no expression on her face.
Xander swallowed a lump and felt his heart beat faster. "Buffy, I didn't…" he attempted to apologize but Buffy stopped him with a raised hand. She walked into the apartment without a word and sat on his couch. Closing his door, Xander followed and sat on the opposite her, regarding her with nervous eyes.
"I was offered a job today," Buffy started. "I'm the school's new councilor."
Xander forced a smile through his anxious feelings. "Oh, Buffy, that's…"
Buffy held up her hand again to shut him up. She looked at Xander with unreadable eyes. "The school was haunted by dead people. The ones I couldn't save in the past. Dawn almost got killed."
Xander looked at his fingers, ashamed and confused. Ashamed because he wasn't there for Buffy and Dawn and confused because he didn't know why Buffy was telling him this, did she expect that his presence would have helped in a way? But he was supposed to drop them off at school and then head off to work. "Is Dawn okay?" he managed a question.
"She was trapped in the basement with a couple of kids. I had to go down there to help. The dead people were in the basement."
Xander nodded, still unsure why she was even telling him the whole story.
"Xander?"
He looked up and was surprised to find sympathy and kindness in her eyes. His heart almost dropped, knowing that some sort of bomb was about to explode.
"Spike was there, too."