The Long Goodbye
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- None, Innocent Centric
Rating:- K+
Achieve:- . /group/lewisffarchive/
Summary:- It may have been a slow torturous goodbye but it's still an ending. An ending to the one thing I thought would last forever, how wrong could I be?
Author's Note:- Innocent centric fic based on the lyrics of "The Long goodbye" By Ronan Keating. Based on her almost throw away comment about having nothing to go home to in Intelligent design but not actually any episode spoilers other than that!
I know they say if you love somebody you should set them free
But is sure is hard to do, yeah it sure is hard to do
"Sorry I'm so late, nightmare of a case, did you get something to eat, we could order in I'm starving all I've had all….." My apologies are just falling on the silence of an empty house as I've now realised. The darkness of the living room clawing at my heart as I see the light blinking on the answer phone and Know what I'm going to hear before I press the button.
"Jeanie I'm not going to make it home tonight. My last meeting is running on and I've another at 8am so I'll stay at the club." I don't even warrant a goodbye at the end of his messages these days and I know it won't be a bed in his club he's sleeping in tonight. When he leaves "I won't be home" messages on the land line instead of calling my mobile or the office I know it's because he doesn't want the guilt of lying t me directly. I don't even think he believes these messages fool me anymore. I'm sure he know I know about her, whoever she is, it's my job to know when people are lying a fact he seems to forget like so many things about me lately.
Part of me always wants to confront him. To say it's her or me but if I'm honest I couldn't ever do it. I'm too scared of what the response to that ultimatum might be.
And I know they say if they don't come back again then it's meant to be
But those words ain't pulling me through cause I'm still in love with you
Food's forgotten now as instead I poor myself a large Scotch, kick off my shoes and sink into the corner of the sofa. When I was younger, when we were first married and Chris was young, I used to say I could forgive him anything but infidelity. I used to tell him he only had to cheat on me once and it would be over, I'd kick him out so quickly his head would spin. You'd think as I got older, more successful, as Chris grew up and moved out I would me more convinced of my own worth and more determined not to let him make a fool of me. It doesn't work that way though.
No matter how unhappy he makes me, and I clearly make him if he's looked elsewhere, I can't bring myself to bring things to a head and see if there's still anything left between us. I can't do it because there are times, times that are becoming fewer and further between, when I still love him or at least I love who he used to be. I still hope that one day I'll wake up and the man I married will be back.
I spend each day waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill, climbing up a hill
When we fell in love it was all encompassing. I was consumed by my love for him and I honestly think he was the same. We couldn't get enough of each other and we were happy for most of the last 25 years now all I really want to do is get that back. Not the need to be together at the exclusion of all others no two people could feel like that for each other for the rest of their lives, it would be exhausting and unsustainable. No; what I want back it the contentedness, the happiness in each other's company, the security of our marriage. I miss how we used to be, I can't tell you the last time he looked at me like he wanted me let alone actually touched me or kissed me in a way that implied anything but duty. All that's gone and has been replaced with a day to day grind that means I work harder and longer and he stays away as much as possible. It's a constant circle of unhappiness and betrayal I can't seem to break away from.
Sometimes I ask myself did we really give our love a chance
But I know without a doubt that we turned it inside out.
I want to feel like there's a point in fighting. That there's still a point in trying, surely we can't throw away a quarter of a century of marriage there has to be something we can do. I want to feel like we could save this but I'm not even sure what we'd be saving anymore. We did the arguments, the fights, the tearing each other apart. Maybe if we'd fought more, carried on caring enough to fight there'd be a chance but somewhere along the way that desire to do it died. Somewhere along the way we decided that working all the hours god sends and leaving unemotional answer phone messages was easier. We gave up so long ago now that I've no idea exactly what happened, when the switch was flicked that turned off our desire to fight for our marriage but I know it's gone.
And if we walked away would it make more sense
But it tears me up inside just to think we still could try,
I've thought more times than I care to admit about just packing a bag and putting us both out of our misery and I wish I could think of a reasonable explanation for why I never have. I've sat here in the dark on my third Scotch just like I am tonight and almost done it. I've almost convinced myself to say to hell with him and the idea of making him chose but yet here I am doing it again. You see now and then I imagine that conversation. The one where I said "I don't care who she is or how long it's been going on I just want you to stop or tell me it's over and let me move on" and he tells me he's sorry and he loves me still. The problem though is that if he did say that, even if we tried again would I ever be able to trust him? Every time he was late home or took a call he was cagy about tell me the details of I'd be convinced it was starting again. So I know there's only one way for this to go now.
This is the long goodbye, no matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Tears have over taken me again as the true realisation of the decision I know I've made hits home. It may have taken time to get here but I know that this will be my future if I don't do something. One more month of trying will roll into one more year into another 25 assuming he hasn't found someone in that time that he loves more than he loves me or rather loves the security of having someone at home. Someone to accompany him to events when needed and put on a show when necessary because I don't believe for a second he hasn't left me because he still loves me. All I know for definite is I'm tired of shedding tears for hi, for what we were and it's time to accept we never will be again.
Come on baby it's over let's face it
All that's happening here is the long goodbye.
I know a note, even one as carefully drafted as the one I'm now writing, is the coward's way out. Short of leaving a message for him on the answer phone as he did for me though I see no other way of making him understand. I cried myself to sleep on the sofa last night for the last time and this morning when I woke up I realised the time had come. The time had come to end the torture so I packed enough to do me for a few days and I've written him a letter pointing out that if we have any respect for what we used to have , or any feelings for each other at all it's time to say goodbye. I've told him I hope he'll be happy and that he's found whatever it was that I couldn't give him anymore. It sounds ridiculous but I mean every word I do hope he's found happiness or will find it just like I hope I will one day too. As I slip my wedding and engagement rings off and set them on top of the simple white envelop it doesn't make leaving any easier though. It may have been a slow torturous goodbye but it's still an ending. An ending to the one thing I thought would last forever, how wrong could I be?