Death Song
You are my best friend, the only one I would trust with my life, the little that is left of me. I realised far too late that whatever we do in the end we will always be alone.
Death is the loneliest thing on earth. We face it and no matter how strong we are no one will ever help us to do the last step. We might think of their love, maybe a last look on their beautifully sad faces might help to pass the time before we jump into darkness. I never cry, but now I cannot help it. Because whatever you do, my dearest friend, when my heart stops beating it will do so alone.
I never believed I would live an as long and fulfilled life as I did. I cheated death once how could I ever expect to do so twice? I never expected to die in bed surrounded with friends; I never had one until I met you. But I always imagined you would be there. Somehow. Even it was only a fading memory of the closest thing to love I have ever felt. And there you are.
I know you are crying even if my eyes betray me and all I can see are flickers of light and shadow moving far too fast in front of my eyes. You are there. My better part. You will live on.
You cling to a life that has already left me. I feel it slowly leaving my body. You are there, I can feel your desperate touch and hear your voice but nothing has ever prepared me for the loneliness I feel at the same time. I am lost between here and there. Part of me is still lingering with you while my soul already starts to leave my broken body.
I would like to say goodbye but I do not find the words. My brain is muddled and confused. It has never betrayed me like that before. Oh dearest, dearest friend. How lonely your life will be without me… I can already feel it seeping out of your body: The odour of loneliness. I would love to hold you, tell you everything is all right, that I was prepared for this and that there is no reason for sadness. But we are as lonely in our despair as we are in our deaths.
You are holding my hand now. Oh…
Death is the easy part, finally no longer feeling any pain. Death is a welcome treat. Dying is hard, letting go. But the worst part is being the one left behind, with all the memories, all the pain and all the fear. You will have to endure while I am gone into oblivion.
I am so sorry, you know, that I do this to you. Again. And this time it is final. I am so, so sorry, love. I never apologize but now I do so with every breath. The last ones I take. I am sorry… sorry…
And when I die I finally speak your name. My last thought, my last taste of life is you. Goodbye I think. Farewell. "John!"
Nothing.
THE END