Finn was in hell. He felt like a fucking idiot, frankly. He felt a lot of things at that moment, more than he could ever remember feeling before; happiness, fear, shame, lingering annoyance, the constant self imposed mental restraint he'd become a master at always present - the same self restraint that stopped him from dragging Archie outside and demanding an explanation, an explanation he'd failed to get at the failed debrief earlier that day.
Finn had been used to inner turmoil of late, hadn't had a shortage of confusing feelings and thoughts for the past few weeks, but as the seconds elapsed and the memory of her affectionate gaze from across the room burned into his mind, happiness was winning out. He could already feel his heartbeat quickening more and more - it had pumped harder and harder as she made her confession to the room, and he wondered if she even realised how much of an emotional roller-coaster she just put him on.
Then Chop had to go and make it that much worse, of course. Finn had watched in hidden awe as he made his own confession, loudly and proudly:
"Izzy, I fookin' love you. It's the truth! I love ya! C'mere!"
If that wasn't bad enough, Finn had to watch Izzy's face stretch into the biggest smile he'd ever seen, had to watch as they fell into the easiest and most natural kiss. It had worked. Izzy felt the same (obviously) and Chop's bravery had paid off.
Yet all Finn could do was sit there and let Rae's Mum take her away by the arm. He chewed on his finger, could feel Chloe glance at him awkwardly as she had done all evening. He tried to get his thoughts together, but failed, opting for a step by step approach. First, he had to clear things up with Chloe once and for all.
In the light of what happened the night before, the possibility of Archie and Rae giving it another go was always present in Finn's mind. Finn couldn't exactly forget just how much Rae liked him, the look of desire etched on her face whenever Archie approached her, sat next to her, talked to her, not to mention the look of pure bliss when she told the gang about their first date snog. Finn, ever the cynic, convinced himself that it was going to happen anyway, and he cursed himself for beginning to believe he and Rae were heading somewhere. Cursed himself for allowing happiness to envelope him as her arms did on the ride to the rave, to think the look of euphoria and coy affection on her face meant something.
The sight of Archie's arms wrapped tight around her, her hands pressed against his face - something had snapped in Finn at that moment. He'd been used to the feeling of crushing jealousy, the burning sensation that made him want to scratch his skin off just so he could feel something else, anything else, but that feeling was finally fading into an unhappy memory as he linked his arm with Rae's and watched her smile shyly as Chloe declared they looked like a couple.
Finn knew then, as he watched the lights strobe across their bodies, that he'd been fooling himself. Rae never liked him. Why would she? It was always Archie, Finn thought, somebody who could actually string a whole sentence together, somebody who didn't treat her like shit when they first met. He found himself feeling angry, at himself and at Rae. How could she make him think…?! Whatever - he did what he was good at, pushed it to the back of his mind and got on with it, had a few shots, had a cigarette and carried on as best he could, waiting for an opportunity to ease his anger. Punching Archie in the face was an option, but Finn's loyalty would never allow him to do that. It's not like Finn and Rae were actually a couple, despite Chloe speculating as much.
Chloe. Before he could think anything else, she'd appeared in front of him, with a look on her face he'd seen countless times before in other girls he'd been with, the same lustful look he'd always pacify with a kiss. So, he let Chloe kiss him, glad of a distraction from the feelings he was struggling to repress, glad of the knowledge that at least somebody wanted him.
In the day that followed, he couldn't quite bring himself to blow Chloe off completely. He naively hoped she saw the kiss as a casual thing, but even if she didn't, he - knowing full well it wasn't right - was willing to give her what she wanted if Rae was completely lost to him. So he let Chloe tail him, let her sit next to him at the wedding reception, chatted with her, flirted a bit, messed around with his mates - anything to distract him from his lingering resentment.
But then, as he sat watching Rae speak on stage, all petty jealousy gave way to genuine concern, and suddenly what he felt didn't matter as much. All the stuff that was going on with him took a back seat as she poured her heart out to the crowd. The sight of Rae's bravery reminded him of why he liked her so much…why he…
"I also write a lot about boys. I fantasise quite a lot about, doctors, teachers, actors, pop stars…any man I've ever come into contact with, really, but, well…some more than others."
There was no question who Rae was looking at as she said those final words, and Finn allowed the pent up frustration and confusion inside him to dissipate, for the most part. The remaining frustration comprised of wondering why Rae felt she had to hide this from him. If nothing else, Finn thought, he and Rae were good friends before anything, best mates, even. The thought that Rae wouldn't think he'd understand and support her made Finn impossibly sad.
He turned to Chloe beside him. "Can we talk?" She nodded, grimacing slightly, as if she knew what was coming. Finn grabbed his jacket as they shuffled out of the booth, moving through the crowd and stepping outside onto the street. Chloe hugged herself as Finn looked at the pavement. Forcing himself to look at Chloe, he began: "Look, Chloe, I'm really sorry, but, I'd like it if we could stay friends. I had a good time last night but, that's all that was, really." He gauged Chloe's reaction. She'd been looking at him blankly as he forced the sentence out with difficulty, Finn fully aware that he probably sounded like a right dick.
Chloe shrugged, kissing her teeth and looking up at the banner draped above the door. Looking back at Finn, she replied: "Ok, no problem, if that's how you feel." Finn gave her an awkward half smile and they stood in the street in heavy silence. Chloe shot Finn a small smile in return, before ducking her head and stepping back into the pub, disappointment evident in her eyes. Although Finn felt bad, he knew Chloe wouldn't be down for long, knew Chloe didn't know him nearly enough for her feelings to be particularly deep.
Finn didn't follow her inside, instead opting to stay out in the fresh air. He couldn't go back in there, only poking his head through the door to get Archie's attention. Finn wanted to go somewhere - anywhere - to get his head together, and the chippy was the first place that popped into his head. After telling Archie where he was heading, he began to walk, thinking hard as he went.
Chop's declaration rang persistently in his head. Chop seemed so sure of himself, so sure of what he wanted - Chop, his friend who seemed to have a bit of a screw loose, who Finn relished in putting down a peg or two, never failing to highlight when he was being dim - he had got his girl.
Rae had stood in front of a crowded room and had told Finn how she felt, sort of. There was still something left unsaid, and Finn knew he had to be the one to cement everything together. Even with that moment - that glorious moment - fresh in his mind, there was still a shred of uncertainty within him, yet that shred didn't matter - he no longer feared rejection, he only wanted her to know how much he loved her, how he had dreamed about her too. Instead of keeping all his thoughts into a diary, however, he'd let them rattle around his head, keeping his thoughts and fantasies tightly inside him until they were ready to explode.
He was coming closer to a decision with every step…every step away from Rae…and when he found himself at the chippy door he wondered why the hell he had come here when he should be back at the reception telling Rae everything. He turned to make his way back, but stopped in his tracks as he noticed a familiar figure at the end of the street. Rae was coming this way, and the mere sight of her made him lose his nerve. What was she doing? Was she coming to find him? She hadn't noticed him yet, he was sure, so he hid behind a van parked outside, secretly watching as she looked around her, wide eyed and vulnerable. She paused to look at somebody across the street; it was those three wankers who were shouting at her in the street a couple of weeks ago. Finn clenched his fists, ready to run over if need be, but they did nothing, and Finn eased up. He continued to watch Rae as she walked on. Just as the initial sight of her from a distance made Finn give in to his doubts, the sight of her this close made him U-turn, and as he watched her run to the window and look for him inside it, he knew the time for thinking was over. Now was the time for action.
It was time for Finn to get his girl.