I'm proud of this. I've created a one-shot longer than any of my multi-chapter stories so far! I must apologize to shinsetsu13, this is kind of a depression fic. But I just can't write fluff at the moment. I've always had a load of trouble with it to begin with. I promise I'll write a happier fic to dedicate to you later. I don't own -man or the vocaloid song paper planes.
The hospital is my cage. I hate it there. I hate the white walls and the sterile beds. I hate the nurses in their white cloths. Everything about that place is horrible. But it's where I have to live, my body is weak, and normal is too hard on it. Or at least that's what the doctors say. I've tried to tell Cross, my guardian, that I can handle the outside world but he just smiled and shook his head. "You don't know how pitiful you are, boy. The outside world would destroy you." I can still hear his answer echoing in my head.
It wasn't until recently that I discovered how easy it is to sneak out. Sure, pulling the tubes out of my skin isn't fun, but it's all worth it. The doctors just assume I'm rebelling from their treatments. No one ever notices I'm gone. They have noticed that, apart from pulling tubes out, I've become more polite to them. Before I was distant and tried to talk to them as little as possible. It's the time away from that white walled hell that allows me to stand them. It's because I'm under open skies, walking in the sunlight for a few hours each day. It makes me happier. In the hospital I almost never leave my room and only get out of my bed a few times a day. I only have the same rays of sun that come from my window.
At first I never went far from the hospital on my walks, I was too afraid of my frail body. But as time passed I grew more confident. I would walk as I could, exploring new areas every day. I saw the city for the first time through those walks. I even got my hands on some money and went to a café once, for the first and last time in my life. Turns out my body couldn't take one of the ingredients in the hot chocolate I bought there, because I was too weak to go out for a few days afterward. It was worth it, but I think Cross is suspicious now. No chance I'll ever be able to get money off him again.
It was after I recovered from the hot chocolate that I first walked by the prison. The place Cross works. It's similar to the hospital in a way, not in appearance but in feeling. But I'm sure none of the prisoners can escape like I can from the hospital. Most of the people I saw beyond the tall barbed wire fence had their head down, were covered with scratches and looked miserable. I think one had even lost an eye, for when he tilted is head up for a moment I saw a black patch where his right eye should be. I don't want to think about what kind of treatment in the prison could have caused that. I return to the prison almost every day after my first visit. I don't know why I kept coming back. It was like something in me saw myself in those prisoners, so it must have been partially out of self pity.
~Lavi POV~
I don't deserve to be here. I didn't commit all those crimes they accused me of, sure it was me, but it wasn't me me. But Deak is gone now and even if I'm not him anymore I still have to face the punishment for the crimes he committed. It's not like I can tell the police "sorry, I'm not that criminal anymore, I'm someone else now." They would probably die laughing if I told them that. Even if it is the truth.
Deak murdered three people before they caught him. He never told me why, but I'm sure there was a reason somewhere. He said he could take the punishment, but when they started to gouge out his eye he left me in control. And really, I could've done without that pain. I'm just glad that's the worst I've had so far, they aren't planning on killing me or anything.
We never saw anyone from outside the fence except the guards. I, like most of the other prisoners feared them. I knew what they could do and wasn't about to ask for more agony.
I saw him after I'd been in that prison for exactly a year. The boy with white hair and eyes that looked like you could dive into them and never reach the bottom. My first thought upon seeing him was to wonder why someone like him would loiter around a prison. Come to think of it why would anyone? Unless he was one of those weirdoes who like violence and seeing others in pain and stuff like that, but somehow I didn't think he could be. He just looked too innocent.
That same boy kept coming back day after day to meander around the fence for an hour as if he had nothing better to do. I grew quite fond of the sight of him. Since I was easily the youngest person in the prison he was the only person I ever saw who looked like he could be remotely close to my more I saw him, the more I wanted to know about him. Why did he keep coming here? Did he know any prisoners? Did he have anyone waiting for to return to wherever he called home? I wanted to talk to him.
An opportunity came about a week after I first glimpsed him. Every Friday in the prison they would give us paper and pencil to write to someone on the outside. I had never written to anyone, so I had a large collection of blank paper in the cell I slept in already. I doubted that they even sent the letters the prisoners wrote anyway. But the letter writing gave me an idea. I could write a letter to the boy outside the fence. Sure, I didn't even know his name, but it didn't matter. I could deliver it personally.
~Allen POV~
I started to remember the faces of the prisoners. I noticed when they changed, I noticed when one disappeared. Every time one did I'd hear from Cross there had been an execution. Most of the prisoner appeared to be middle-aged and broken spirited, all except for one. The prisoner with the patch over his right eye. He couldn't be more than a few years older than I, and his single exposed green eye, unlike the eyes of the other prisoners, had light.
A week after I started visiting the prison something extraordinary happened. The prisoner with the eye patch looked me in the eye, walked quickly to the fence, and threw something white into the air. It soared over the fence and came towards me. Only when it was just yards away did I identify it as a paper air plane. I jumped and grabbed it out of the air. Upon examining it I realized that there were words written in a messy scrawl upon the paper. It was a letter. A letter from a prisoner to me. I looked back at the fence wanting to catch another glimpse of the prisoner with the eye patch, but he was gone.
On my way back to the hospital I unfolded the air plane, careful not to tear the paper.
I always see you on the other side of the fence. And at first I thought you were super weird for hanging around this place, to be honest I still kind of do. So why do you keep coming here anyway? I mean it's a prison, no? Not exactly my idea of a hot destination. Come to think of it you're the only person I've ever seen outside the fence. The only real outsider I've ever seen. I kind of thought there was some kind of rule that said 'you can't hang around prisons' but apparently I was wrong. It must be darn creepy to have some criminal writing to you… But I'm not a criminal! I promise! I'm just a prisoner who wanted to see what people on the outside were like. Then again the fact that you're reading this in the first place means something. I'm just glad I was able to reach you.
A prisoner, but not a criminal? That didn't make sense. Cross told me that prison was for people who had committed the most terrible crimes. If he wasn't a criminal, how had the eye patched prisoner ended up there? All I knew was I had to write back. But how would I hide this letter from Cross? He only visited me once a week, so I should be okay for a few days… I resolved to hide the letter under a vase of flowers in my room for now. I got out a pencil and a sheet of paper and began to write.
Hanging around your prison has just become a habit. I don't know why I keep coming back but I do. I don't really like the place I live right now, so walking to the prison is kind of like an escape for me. Other places have too many people, but I can always count on no one else wandering just outside the prison. I don't know if there are any rules against what I'm doing, I've certainly never heard of any. I noticed you seem to be good deal younger than the other prisoners. Do you wear that patch because you lost an eye? Did you lose it before or after you can to prison? I really don't mean to pry but I'm a bit curious. If you're not a criminal why are you in prison? I'm sorry… I'm being nosy, aren't I?
~Lavi POV~
I didn't think he would write back, but I'm overjoyed that he did. The idea of corresponding with someone outside these walls is highly exciting. It's like a single ray of sunshine has reached me in this cage of darkness. Part of me thinks it's too good to be true, but the more I read his letter, the more I know it's real. I've been using his letter as a sort of amulet. It's keeping me sane. I'm still not sure how to answer his questions though… I understand why he's curious and have no problem with telling him; I just don't think he'd believe me. I mean why should he be any different from the police? And I don't want him to think I'm crazy. With these things in mind I wrote my reply carefully.
I'm astonished you wrote back. You're weird to prefer the company of us prisoner to other free people. I mean, we must look pretty damn pathetic to you. But I'm glad you do. I've never been able to communicate with anyone outside before. Yes, my patch is there to hide the place where my eye should be; I lost it a few days after I came here. It's a gruesome tale, you wouldn't want to hear it, believe me. Don't worry you're not prying. It's kind of nice to have someone bothering ask these types of questions. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how I got here. Thank you for writing back.
That looked about right. Nothing that would drive the boy away from me if he wasn't running already. I'd told him enough, but not so much that he'd be frightened of me. I was anxious to see what kind of reply I'd get. I folded the letter into an air plane and tossed it over to the boy on the other side without a second thought the next day. The boy even smiled at me as he caught the letter, and it didn't even occur to me until I saw that smile. This kid had written back to me, knowing I had probably committed some horrible crime, so why would it matter to him whether I'd done it or not. I should have asked him why he wasn't afraid in my letter.
~Allen POV~
Thank you for telling me all that stuff, it's probably hard for you to talk about your eye. You're not pathetic, believe me. You prisoners cope with pain the rest of us know nothing of. I'm sure if you came to the outside world people would admire you for living through all the pain. I'm not sure if I want to know this, but do they torture you in that prison? Everyone looks pretty beat up… I'm surprised you wanted to talk to someone on the outside. If it was me in there I would have grown to hate everyone beyond the fence. What was your life like before this prison anyway? I'd like to know more about you.
P.S. It seems like you don't really want to talk about the crime you were accused of, so I won't question you about it any further.
I smiled at the finished letter before me. What would Cross say if he knew I was practically pen pals with a prisoner? I found that I didn't care. It was wonderful to be able to talk to someone for once. Most people only saw my disease when they looked at me. My prisoner pen pal didn't even know I was less than healthy. Sure, I had a dirty red scar on my face, but it didn't matter. Compared to the scars some of the other prisoners had mine was nothing.
I sat there, clinging to the shred of freedom my friendship with this prisoner gave me. Tomorrow was Friday, and if Cross found the letters everything would be ripped away. Fortunately this possibility was pretty low because I finally found the right hiding place: under my mattress. So to be sure none of the nurses would find them if they changed the sheets while I was gone I always took them with me on my visits to the prison. For the first time I had something precious I didn't what to lose. Something that made the little life I had left worth living.
The walk back to the hospital seemed longer than usual that day. I was panting by the time I returned. The nurse who brought me my evening meal even asked me if I needed her to call the doctor (I refused of course) and that wasn't a good sign. Maybe all the time without those tubes in my body was getting to me… What if the walks really weren't such a good idea for my health? That thought scared me as I lay awake. It wasn't until morning that I realized that it didn't matter. Those walks were what made me want to live, so if they quickened my pace towards death, so what. At least I had been happy.
The visit with Cross went the same as always at first. He asked me how I was feeling, if the hospital staff were good to me, and a bunch of other general questions. About half way through our time together it dawned on me. I could ask Cross about his work at the prison. It wouldn't be suspicious; I was allowed to be curious, wasn't I?
"How's your work going?" I asked in what I hoped to be a casual tone.
"Same as ever. Those criminals have all had their spirits broken anyway. There isn't much to do at the moment, as no one new has been sent our way." Cross told me in a bored manner.
"What do you mean their spirits are broken?" Had my friend's eye been lost because of what the prison staff did to break his spirit? What if Cross had been the one who… I didn't even want to think about the possibilities.
"Usually it only takes a bit of whipping. I manage to worm out of the dirtier jobs most of the time. As much as I despise criminals I'd hate execute some of our more drastic measures." Cross was looking at me quizzically now. Maybe I was acting a bit too interested, but I needed to know.
"Like what?" I asked innocently.
"All sorts of horrible things. Once we had a criminal so stubborn they had to gauge one of his eyes out. Boy am I glad I didn't have to do that." Cross must have seen me tense up, because he gave me a concerned look. "You should get some rest. It's about time for me to leave anyway." He paused. "And stop ripping those tubes out, if you keep it up that stubbornness of yours might just kill you. See you in a week, Allen." And with that he left the room.
For a few minutes I just sat there, think about what I had just heard. Had my prisoner pen pal been so rebellious just because he was innocent? Somehow that didn't fit. Come to think of it he had probably waited for me all day and I hadn't come. What if he thought I wasn't coming back? I'd have to be sure to get to the prison as fast as possible tomorrow.
~Lavi POV~
It was obvious something was wrong. The boy should have been here a long time ago, but he was nowhere to be seen. All I could do was wonder what kept him. I wanted freedom more than I ever had before, because if I had it I could have gone looking for him. If I was a free man everything would be so much simpler. I wouldn't have to us paper planes to communicate with that boy I could talk to him normally. But then again, if I was free would I ever have even met him? Probably not.
Hours passed. It became more and more evident that the boy wasn't coming. What if he had decided he didn't want to come here anymore? What if he didn't believe I was really innocent and had decided he would never send me another letter via paper plane? I couldn't say that wasn't a reasonable way of thinking. But it still hurt. I guess it was about time for me to wake up to reality. What was I expecting, to someday become free like he was? Although the possibility was tantalizing it was a blatant lie. No more than wishful thinking. As much as I liked that boy there was absolutely no way I could ever join him in the world outside. But despite all that I fell asleep that night with a paper plane in my hand.
~Allen POV~
The next morning I awoke early and I called the nurse and told her I was so starving I needed my morning meal immediately. I ate it swiftly and was about to leave when I realized I should explain my absence.
P.P.S. I'm sorry I wasn't there yesterday. My guardian spends the day with me on Fridays, so in the future you can't expect me to show up on Fridays. Hope I didn't worry you.
I scribbled the last few words as fast as I could and was out of the hospital in a flash. I was panting heavily by the time I reached the prison. I was so early that the eye patched prisoner wasn't even in the yard yet. I took the extra time to do what I had been too hasty to do as I left. Refold the letter into an airplane. I hope he hadn't worried yesterday. Cross' words were still haunting me… "We had a criminal so stubborn they had to gauge one of his eyes out." I couldn't stop thinking about it. Had my one eyed friend been stubborn because he was innocent, or was he lying to me? I wanted to know, but felt it would be rude to ask.
When the first few prisoners came trudging into the yard my friend was among them. For once, he looked just as miserable as the others. I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach. He was miserable because of me. A part of me wanted to run away right then, but the rest of me knew I'd hate myself forever if I did. Of course, it was worth it. His whole face lit up when he saw me and he gave me a questioning look. I gave him a thumbs-up to say everything was okay. I couldn't help smiling as I threw the paper plane over the fence. How lucky I was to finally have a friend.
As I walked back to the hospital later that day that same smile lingered on my face. As much as I hated the scolding I was in evidently going to get for pulling the tubes out of my arms I was happy. The image of the one eyed prisoner's happy expression lingered in my mind, warding off unpleasant thoughts. It was only then that I realized I had never smiled like this before we started exchanging paper planes. It was like he had brought color to my black and white life.
~Lavi POV~
Words cannot express my relief of seeing the boy the next day. I can't remember ever being happier in my life. If the fence didn't separate us, at that moment I might have kissed him. It was that mad desire to express affection towards him that led me to believe that I love him. But honestly I'm a bit surprised I didn't realize it sooner, I mean who else would be the cause of this feeling, the guards? One of them was rather cute, but their all probably assholes regardless of appearance…
As great as it felt to be in love it was also rather frustrating. If I expressed my feelings in a letter, it would probably creep the boy out, after all most people fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, right? Maybe I was just weird. Maybe I should try to become free; maybe people might believe me this time. Freedom would allow me the chance to be by that boy's side. Was it worth trying?
My hand rose to my eye patch. What if they gauged my other eye out? Or cut off my nose or something? I definitely didn't want that to happen. The bleeding when they took out my eye was so bad I nearly bleed to death. I didn't think I could cope with another injury like that. Trying for freedom was definitely out of the question. I decided to distract myself by writing another letter.
I was a bit afraid you weren't going to come back here. I'm glad you did, in the future I won't be waiting for you on Fridays. We are tortured from time to time; only when we show signs that our spirit might be coming back. But usually it's only a bit of whipping. The worst torture was when I first came here; it resulted in the loss of my eye. I had no life before prison, and this body belonged to someone else. He was the one that committed the murders that put me in here. He left me in his body when our eye was taken out. I think the pain was too much for him, maybe it even killed him. Come to think of it it's a miracle I lived through that. Of course, you probably don't believe that, do you? You must think I'm crazy now. But I'm telling you anyway. I need something to call you by, not your real name, that would be a problem if the guards found these letters. Maybe a nickname of sorts. I will give you my name though. It's not the same as his, so it should be alright. The guards only know me by his name anyway. They've no idea what my real name is, nor do they care. As far as their concerned it doesn't matter if I'm different from him because this body used to be his. So don't worry about anyone recognizing my name. Just call me Lavi.
Maybe I had written too much. After all, I didn't want to scare the boy away. But I wanted him to know for some reason. I wanted him to accept me.
~Allen POV~
I read the letter over one more time before I placed it safely under my mattress with the others. I didn't know why, but I believed him. Maybe I didn't care if Lavi was lying, in truth I just needed someone to talk to. I would forgive any crime he had committed, so long as he didn't give me the look everyone else gave me. The look of pity. If I had a friend who never gave me that look, it was enough. I took out a fresh sheet of paper and began to write.
I don't think you're crazy and I don't care whether or not you're guilty. If I was worried in the first place I would have stopped writing a long time ago. Thank you for telling me that, though. I know I can trust you now. All that torture must have hurt… I'm sorry you to go through all of that. You can call me Red. It's something I used to be called before I was given a name. I was abandoned, you see. That was my proper name until my adoptive father found me. Shame he didn't last, though. Now I'm stuck with my guardian.
Maybe it was too obvious I was leaving out reasons. If I told Lavi I was called Red because the disease I have caused my arm to turn that color he might start to pity me. I wouldn't be able to stand it if even he started to give me those looks I despised. I also couldn't tell him I had given Mana my disease from hanging around him so much and he had died from it.
The next morning my legs felt heavy as I walked towards the prison. But it wasn't because I was weak. It was because I was dreading the kind of questions that might follow this letter. It felt like refusing to answer might betray Lavi's trust in me. But after he told me all that stuff I had to tell him something. Otherwise it just didn't seem fair.
Lavi was already waiting for me beyond the fence when I arrived. He smiled at me with the same warmth as always, and as always I returned the smile. I was glad I still could despite my worries. I didn't even have to force it. Seeing Lavi made me realize how silly those worries were. Hadn't he faced awful torture and never known freedom? My life might have been a bit harsh, but his was definitely worse. Even if I did end up telling him I was ill in the end I'm sure he wouldn't pity me. He trusted me, so I should be able to return the favor. I toss my paper air plane over the fence without a second thought.
~Lavi POV~
Looks like Red's been through his fair share of hardships too. Here I was thinking that kind of thing didn't exist outside the fence. For some reason I always thought that pain was reserved who those whom society had judged to deserve it. What made me happiest was how he's tossed aside the importance of my guilt. To the world it was everything, but to Red it was nothing. Just knowing that made me feel like I could grow wings and fly over the fence to wherever Red was. Of course no matter how much I willed that to happen it never would, but I'm not that stupid. Stupid enough to try though. I was glad I didn't get any lashes for smiling. When prisoners smile the guards start thinking their spirits are coming back and normally the offender is whipped a few times. Nothing too bad compared to some of the other punishments though.
It was the happiest day of my life. I was so giddy it took me hours to calm down enough to think straight and write a reply. I had to wait until sleepiness made my eyelids heavy. I thought about waiting till morning but I didn't want to miss Red because I hadn't written yet. It would sound silly to say I'd been too gleeful to write a single word. So I strained my eyes open and wrote.
Shame the guards don't think like you do, then I might have a chance of becoming free. But you should see how they look at me when I'm foolish enough to try to tell them the truth. Just claiming I'm innocent gets enough lashes. That story might lose me another body part if I ever try and spring it on them again. And of course I can't have that. Looks like you've had your fair share of pain as well. For some reason I always thought that there wasn't any pain outside the fence. Shows how much I know. At least you have a guardian. If I'd had someone to vouch for me a year ago when I, when he, was arrested I might have gotten off. Then again when he was in control he always expressed a certain distain for other people. Maybe that's why he didn't think much of killing a few.
I fell asleep that night with the pencil I had used still clutched in my hand.
~Allen POV~
I knew I couldn't hide me letters forever. As there became more and more of them I felt increasingly more anxious on Cross' Friday visits. I was so sure that he would discover a letter poking out from under the mattress that it started to show. I think he knew I was hiding something for a couple weeks before he actually found the letters.
It was six weeks after I received the first note. I left him in my room while I went to the bathroom, which I'd never thought was particularly safe, but if I didn't I would have wet my pants. When I came back he was clutching one of my treasured letters from Lavi and staring up at me, his face unreadable.
"How long have you been in contact with this boy?" Cross' voice was calm but sharp. I froze. I was unsure if I should lie or not. The fact that I was exchanging letters with Lavi was undeniable, and I didn't think it mattered how long I had been doing it.
"About a month and a half." I murmured, not meeting his eyes. Fear set in. What if Cross told the hospital staff to watch me more carefully? How would I keep sneaking out then? But to my surprise his face was still calm when I chanced a glance. For a fleeting instant I thought I would get away with it, but then I heard the sound of ripping paper and saw him tearing up Lavi's letter. I threw myself at him without a second thought. He caught my fist effortlessly in his free hand.
"What do you think you can possibly do to stop me, Allen?" His words stung because of how accurate they were. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I was powerless. For several minutes we both were completely silent, quiet enough to hear someone breathing just outside the door. Cross was on his feet immediately. He flung the door open to reveal a pigtailed nurse framed in the door way.
"You will not repeat anything you've heard here." His voice was firm and unyielding. The nurse was frozen with fear, and I didn't blame her. If I didn't know cross so well he would probably intimidate me. "If you're stupid enough to disobey me…" There was amusement in Cross' eyes now. "…Then consider yourself under arrest if I ever find you." He pulled his ID out of his coat and shoved it in her face. All the pigtailed nurse could do was nod and scamper out of sight.
"I suppose this is why the nurses keep saying you've been ripping those tubes out." He continued as if nothing had happened. "Do yourself a favor; stop seeing that boy." I felt hot tears slip out of my eyes and immediately hated myself for crying in front of Cross. But I couldn't help myself. "Don't worry, I won't tell the staff anything." Cross considered me for a few seconds before continuing. "Don't worry about the girl, her mouth will keep shut, believe me." My eyes widened in disbelief. After what I'd just seen could cross honestly think there was any possibility the pigtailed nurse wouldn't keep quiet? "My efforts are pointless unless you stop this through your own will."
With those words Cross left me sitting there, tears still running down my cheeks. I didn't understand what he meant. All I knew was I needed to find a new hiding place for Lavi's letters. In truth I was a bit relieved. I could keep seeing Lavi. But in the back of my mind I knew Cross' words couldn't be meaningless. Someday they would come back to hurt me.
The physical strain of attempting to attack Cross had tired my body out. I think the emotional stress hadn't been beneficial either because I couldn't stop shaking. I lie down and try to fall asleep early so I'll be strong enough to walk to the prison tomorrow. But even if I'm still shaky in the morning I swear that I'll go. I don't want to give Cross the satisfaction of knowing I stayed away.
I awoke to the sound of hushed voices. It didn't take long for me to figure out what they were talking about. I deduced that their voices were hushed because they thought I was still asleep and didn't want to wake me. I also realized that their topic of conversation was my disease. Evidently, my health had gotten noticeably worse. This was no surprise, I certainly felt horrible enough. I manage to feign sleep until I felt another tube being added to my arm. My eyes snapped open and I saw liquid pass through the tube and into my body. I could only hope that this fluid wasn't entirely necessary to my survival, because I knew the second the hospital staff left me alone I would pull each tube out, one by one, and walk over to the prison.
By the time the staff left the day was already halfway gone. I was shaky and still weaker than usual. On bad days it usually took almost this long just to walk to the prison. I cursed under my breath as I realized how impossible it would be to see Lavi today. I'll go tomorrow, I promised myself, even though I knew half of that statement was wishful thinking it was still something. Besides, maybe it would be good if Cross thought I had heeded his advice for at least a day. I just wish the sunlight could enter this room.
~Lavi POV~
It was foolish to worry; Red had blown me off before. Not just on Fridays either. There had been other instances in which he hadn't come to call. He never told me why though. But I suppose he must have a life outside visiting me, places to be, things to do, people to see, none of which included me. That bothered me quite copiously.
At least Red did spent a few hours few me almost six days a week, or at least he used to. He started showing up later and later and staying for shorter periods of time. On a few occasions he had departed just after he tossed his latest letter over the fence. I had to admit that was a bit hurtful, but then again, it wasn't like I could actually speak to him. Even when He did stay all we did was stare at each other and smile. It must have been boring as heck for him now that I thought about it. It's quite understandable really. But if I was on the outside I would have never come here so I have no right to complain. Today was somehow different though, perhaps because it was a Saturday. Maybe it was selfish, but I felt that Red should always be here on Saturdays simply because it was the day after Friday. As pathetic as it sounded, I missed him if I didn't see him for one day. Two days was just asking too much.
That night I didn't sleep well, or at least worse than usual. I think it's impossible to get a decent rest on the hard, uneven cell floor. I dreamed that I was on the other side of the fence watching red approach the prison from the distance. Just when I was about to touch him he became one of the prison guards who shook my hand and told me if I wanted a place out there I need only ask. Then I saw Red walking away from me in the distance. I tried to catch up with him but the moment I grabbed his hand he dissolved into a dozen paper airplanes.
~Allen POV~
The next day I was hardly any better, but the staff left me alone. Right after morning meal I left for the prison. The sun burned brightly in the sky and there wasn't a cloud in sight. It was the kind of day that makes a person want to run towards the horizon until there was not a familiar place in sight. It was the perfect day to run away, and running away would have been tempting if I could only run. Nowadays walking was hard enough. It took me hours to reach the prison.
When I saw Lavi the first thing I noticed was the sorry look in his eyes. I supposed I must have been responsible for that. I felt horrible for not showing up. Lavi's life is even harder than mine. Compared to him, I really don't have the right to complain at all.
I was quite relieved to see his face light up at the sight of me. A small part of me had believed Lavi would be angry at me for giving him the slip. I smiled back at him and mouthed the word "sorry." Lavi mouthed back "its fine." Knowing I had taken too long getting to the prison I couldn't stay long. When I waved good-bye a few minutes after I threw the plane over the fence a distinct look of disappointment settled on Lavi's face. Guilt swept through me. How I wished I could stay. But it just wasn't worth risking getting caught for a few extra minutes. I was already cutting it close. The journey back to the hospital was equally as difficult as the walk to the prison. I knew I might would be tired the next morning, I knew I probably wouldn't be able to go see Lavi tomorrow, and I hated it. I was beginning to realize my body was wearing out. I couldn't keep doing this forever.
~Lavi POV~
I've been wondering, how is the food in prison? I imagine it's not too great but I'm still curious. Have you ever had hot chocolate? It's a sort of sweet drink that's quite good. I've only had it once, unfortunately. Which do you prefer, the summer or the winter? For me it's never made much difference because I didn't go outside very often before I started visiting you. Sure, my room has window, but it's not really big enough to let any sunlight in. I certainly hope the guards haven't been beating you lately and I wish there was something I could do to help you.
I read the last line of Red's letter a thousand times. What Red didn't realize was how much he already was helping me by just being there. I admitted to myself I wanted more, but at least having someone was something. Another thing he didn't know was that the prison's annual visitor day was coming up in a few months. It was the only day of the year on which the prison allowed people from outside to enter. Of course, barely any of us knew anyone who might care enough to come and see us; otherwise we wouldn't have ended up here. Maybe it would be too selfish of me to invite Red to come. It certainly wouldn't look good to anyone who knew him; this prison was supposed to contain the area's most dangerous criminals. But I had to try.
Food here is generally stale and hard to come by. I've never had anything sweet like hot chocolate, the only time this body might have drank stuff like that is when he was in control. I like summer best because in the winter cold a couple prisoners usually get sick and occasionally die. I don't like seeing anyone in that kind of state. There is something you can do to help. In three months time is this prisons annual visitor day. It would mean the world to me if you could come, but you probably don't want to be seen here. It's just an idea, anyway.
When I read over what I had written it sounded about right. I'd made visitor day sound important without being desperate. I folded it into an air plane and placed in the corner of my cell, a spot reserved for letters yet to be sent. But as long as I waited for Red the next day he didn't appear. Another two days had passed before he graced the prison with his presence.
~Allen POV~
I felt awful walking back from the prison. I couldn't tell Lavi why I hadn't been showing up lately and I my body felt like it was going to break. I used to read the most recent letter on my way back, but nowadays I had to concentrate all my energy on walking. I collapsed onto my bed just seconds before a nurse came in to check on me.
As usual I was scolded for pulling out my tubes. I got the whole tiresome lecture all over again as the nurse reconnected me to all of the tubes. It was a true miracle that the nurses never got sick of lecturing me, I mean there's only so many times they can tell me I'm "doomed to die if I keep going on like this" and still expect me to be listening. I used to try to take the words of the staff seriously, but eventually their words all just sounded the same. None of them actually cared about me at all; they were just doing their jobs.
"Listen to me Allen!" The word of the nursed startled me enough to look up. I had seen that particular nurse before; if my memory wasn't faulty she was one of the nurses specifically assigned to me, also the same nurse Cross had terrified all those weeks ago… "I can't make you take our life seriously, but if you keep this up you're not the only one who will be hurt!" That didn't sound right. None of the staff ever called me by my first name. It was always Mr. Walker this or Mr. Walker that. I always took that as a sign that none of them wanted to get to know me well enough to care. I looked up again and saw tears in the nurse's eyes. I knew what this was about. I knew she knew my secret. She wanted to tell me Lavi wasn't worth dying for. I decided to humor her.
"No they won't." She was so surprised I had responded that she flinched when I looked at her. "You know perfectly well that Cross will go on just fine without me." She looked like she was going to contradict me on that point but thought better of it. I noticed that she looked younger than most of the other nurses, at her age you would have thought she would be in love, but she gave off the air of a women who has chosen work over such things.
"That's not true," her voice was shaking. She seemed in danger of breaking down into hysterical sobs at any moment. "The other nurses and I, we may not seem to care, but you're really one of our favorite patients!" That did it. I hated when they pretended like that, and I lost my head.
"Liar!" I yelled at her. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now, but I had only just started. "You're just here to make money! You may like me but you don't actually care at all!" The nurse was sobbing hysterically now, she looked exactly how I had felt walking back to the hospital, melancholy and distressed. "When I die you'll just find a new favorite patient once you've finished moping! In the end no death really matters!" At this point the nurse ran from the room, her long pigtails flying after her.
I still felt horrible, exhaustion was setting in, and my conversation with that nurse had added anger into the mix. I was too overcome by those emotions to read Lavi's letter. I knew I was too weak to go back anytime soon so writing a reply could wait. But maybe if I went to sleep when I awoke this would all be a bad dream.
I woke up the next morning feeling worse still. When the nurse from yesterday came in to check on me she wouldn't even look at me. She just scribbled a few notes on her clip board and was gone in a flash. I can't say I wasn't relieved. This way I could read Lavi's last letter in peace. I took out from under my pillow and carefully unfolded it, nowhere near ready to read those heartbreaking words. Short has the message was, it took me awhile to read it, my illness had depleted my eyesight. I don't know when the first tear fell but be the time I finished the paper was damp. I didn't know what hurt more, my heart or my body. I felt like I was going to die of the agony of it all right then, but I wasn't so fortunate. I lay for hours, sobbing at how Lavi would hate me if he knew the truth, how he wanted to meet me in a place where we could talk to each other aloud, and how even if by some miracle Cross let me gave me permission to go see him then I probably wouldn't live that long.
When I ceased my weeping I fell asleep almost immediately. I didn't wake until late in the afternoon of the next day.
~Lavi POV~
I had started to panic. It wasn't like Red to do this. He hadn't showed up for almost a week and I was desperate for his answer to my latest letter. What if he had decided not to come back? What if I had said something that had offended him?
The following Saturday I was so anxious to see if red would return that I got to close to the fence. A tall guard with long dark hair pulled me away and gave me ten lashes with a whip. To be honest I didn't really care. It was all pointless anyway. I was lying to myself if I thought for a second that if I behaved myself I would stand a chance of gaining freedom. This prison never had and never would work that way. Only if you had someone who knew cared about you on the outside could you ever hope to be free. Red didn't know that I was under Deak's name and it appeared he didn't truly care about me either. This put my chances of freedom at zero. I was stuck here forever.
~Allen POV~
I hadn't risen from my bed in days. I rarely spoke to anyone these days. I was beginning to forget what my own voice sounded like. Or what the hall way looked like. Sounds in general were becoming harder and harder to hear. I could hear the nurses whispering as they passed in and out of my room but I couldn't make out what they were saying anymore. I had always prided myself in my ability to overhear whispered conversations that were meant not to be heard. Another change was that the nurses never tried to make conversation anymore. They flitted in and out of the room as quickly as possible.
I didn't know how many days had passed since I last went to the prison. Time was like sand slipping through an hourglass these days; there was only so much left. It didn't matter where one day ended and another began. There was only one thing I had left to do before it was time to go. That was to say good bye to Lavi, the only one who would miss me when I was gone. The only one who might think I had abandoned them if I didn't say anything. But maybe so much time had passed that Lavi had given up on me already.
"Allen! Listen to me!" The voice cut through the room like a knife through butter. It startled me. It had been too long since anyone had spoken directly to me, expecting a response. I looked up to see the pigtailed nurse, urgency glistening in her eyes.
"Look, I know you used to leave the hospital and I know you used to visit a prisoner there. I overheard Cross telling you off w-weeks ago…" Her voice faltered, as if she was unsure she should be saying this.
"I know." I cut in feebly. My voice had weakened in the time it had been left unused.
"S-so I thought you must really can about that prisoner…" Her voice was beginning to become a bit stronger. She had resolved to tell me something. "You must know you're not going to live much longer. Nothing we do can change that, whatever the doctors say." I nodded feebly.
"Shouldn't you say goodbye to him them?" Her words caught me off guard. Hadn't she tried to tell me to start taking my life seriously? Then why was she telling me to go to Lavi now? She had such an odd look in her deep violet eyes, I'd never seen any of the nurses look at me that way, and it was almost like she wanted me to be happy.
"I thought about what you said," She continued. "And I realized you're a bit right, most of the nurses don't care about you." She took a deep breath in. "But I thought that prisoner must, if you've practically thrown your life away to keep in contact with him!" Her eyes flashed at me sharply. It was clear she thought I should have waited until my health had improved to continue visiting Lavi. "So go and say your goodbyes now then!" She was practically yelling now, her voice echoed painfully inside my head.
"I… I haven't written… a goodbye yet." Each word was a struggle to get out of my throat. When I looked back at the nurse she was holding out a pencil and paper. I took them I my shaking hands and began to write for the last time.
I'm sorry. I can't come back anymore. This is the last time we'll see each other. There's a far off place I have to go to. I would try to visit you if I could but I think I'll be going to this place soon. So this is good bye. I really liked writing to you. I won't forget you; you'll always be in my heart.
When I finished my hands were trembling so much I couldn't fold my farewell into an air plane. Giving me a melancholy smile, the nurse took it from me and folded it herself. She was even respectful enough not to read the note. I whispered a thank you to her and was off.
I couldn't walk, walking was painful, and so I ran. Not so much to reach the prison as to escape the agony of my broken body. I vowed I would stand up straight as I tossed the air plane over the fence, I vowed I wouldn't shed a tear, at least not in front of Lavi.
I was outside the prison fence before I realized. I was looking into Lavi's forest green eye. A part of me wanted to run, and scream hat I couldn't do this, that there was no way I could say goodbye. But I was stronger than that. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my short life if I ran. I raises my thin had and threw the plane into the air with a smile I was glad I didn't have to force. I was happy to see Lavi again, regardless of the circumstances. I waved and turned away, not wanting to see his reaction to my final letter.
"I'll always be here waiting!" Those words shocked tears out of my eyes. I never should have lied, I should have told the truth from the beginning… "I'll still be here when you come back; no matter how long that takes! I'll… I'll see you then, right?"
I wouldn't let Lavi see the hot tears that ran down my face, so I didn't turn back. I couldn't turn back. It was time I embraced embrace the fact that I was as good as dead. This prison, where I had fallen in love, laughed, and smiled, was what had made my life worth living. Lavi had been my sun, without warm words from him and with no one else to help fill the space in my heart I would wither and die.
~Lavi POV~
Red was gone. He said that he would never come back. If this prison had been a living hell before it was beyond the terror of human imagination now. No one to talk to, no one to write to, I was more alone than ever. I couldn't chase after red even if I was free. I didn't know his real name. It was all pitiful really, I finally had something I wanted, but I'd never, ever, even glimpse him again. Never again could I await those letters which were window into the world beyond the fence. I could wish as much as I wanted, but Red sure as hell wasn't coming back. He had turned away, he hadn't looked back to nod or shake his head. He obviously didn't want to know me anymore.
Why should he want to return anyway? He had the whole world at his leisure to explore, for all I knew I might have been tying him down. He'd finally decided to leave me with no way to follow after him. I didn't know his name, where he had lived, or who had been important to him. All I was sure of was that no matter how many times I gazed at the field outside the fence I would never see red there again. It didn't matter how many tears I shed over the matter. It was far out of my control.
"If you need help, ask." I nearly jumped with shock. I hadn't heard that voice in the back of my mind for a long time. Not since he left me in control of the body.
"I don't need your help, Deak." I thought coldly. "Besides, even you can't set us free."
"You know that's not true." Deak reminded me. It was true. I knew that Deak could probably out fight the guards in any fist fight. I knew he could dodge whatever weapons they threw at us. Shat I didn't know was whether he would let me take control after he'd freed us, or if I could resist being recaptured after our escape.
"Let me rephrase that; I don't want your help." I thought contemptuously. Deak just laughed at me.
"Of course you don't, I'm not an idiot, Lavi." His tone was friendly, but I thought I sensed a shred of disappointment underneath the mask of mirth. "Just thought I'd suggest I," Deak fell silent. I knew that was all he had wanted to say. He would now content himself with vanishing back into the depths of my mind. I didn't sleep well. Clutching the air planes I treasured all I could think of was how I'd never receive another message from Red. If I tried to ignore them possible reasons for Deak's reappearance haunted my mind. When morning came I was in for a crud awakening.
~Allen POV~
Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out. I had to force myself to keep it up. My chest felt like it was about to explode. It hurt. Not the sharp, blinding sensation you get when you get cut, but a dull unbearable ebb. The device they'd placed other my face was supposed to make breathing easier for me, but I was too weak. My breathing had initially improved, but now it was back to being shallow and raspy.
I could barely hear the sound of someone opening the door to my room. Their footsteps became less careful. I realized they must be pressing the button that alerted the other staff that I was in condition. I heard panicked voices in the halls. Maybe it was the end for me, maybe death was approaching… Honestly I didn't care. What did I have to live for now, Cross? I had never been more than an obligation to him. But if that was so why did I think I recognize his voice?
I couldn't make out words anymore. But I did detect fear in the tone of the voice that might be Cross'. So he had cared after all. Big deal. He was probably guilty he had let me die because Mana had liked me. He and Mana had been friends. If he had cared he would have spent more time with me… I didn't have any more time to ponder this because I fell unconscious.
~Lavi POV~
I felt one of Red's planes sliding out from under me. Naturally I always kept them close while I slept. I tried to grasp it before it slipped away, but I was too late. I opened my eye to see a prison guard I'd never seen before unfolding it. He had long hair the same shade as mine and a small beard. Fear and loathing pulsed through me. They couldn't know. I lunged to take the letter out of his hands before he could read it, but the other guards held me back. To my credit I put up a pretty good fight but the guards were trained for this sort of thing. I could only rely on the strength Deak had given this body.
The red headed guard met eye and gave me a sadistic smile. Watching eagerly for my reaction he ripped Red's letter into pieces. Then I stepped aside and let hell break lose. It was clear that Deak had wanted to get back at the guards for hurting him for a long time. He broke free from the guards holding our body back easily. He was sure to hurt them as much as he could. He sprang forward towards the red headed guard, ready to avenge my precious letter from Red.
I noticed that guard's expression a few moments before our fist made contact with him. He was… pleased. It hit me. This was what he wanted. He wanted us to retaliate so that he would have an excuse to punish us again. I struggled with Deak's will. I had to get back in control before it was too late, even if it was I still had to. I probably had no chance of seeing Red again now, even if he did come back one day. My despairing determination was starting to overpower Deak's rage. My tears were leaking out of our eye. As Deak prepared to pummel the red head with his fist one more time I manage to regain control.
For a few moments the guard and I just stared into each other. Tears were pouring down my face, so I couldn't see his expression clearly. But it definitely wasn't the same. It didn't burn like his former malevolent grin. I wiped my tears away and recognized it as pity.
He stood up and brushed himself off. He gave me one last searching look before he walked away, the other guards trailing after him. But two of them remained. I was taken to a new cell by them. I was to be kept there until the day of my execution. Pity couldn't cover up what Deak and I had done. We had attacked the guards and in doing so had actually hurt some of them. We had fated ourselves to die.
~Allen POV~
My body doesn't move anymore. In waking moments all I can hear is the distant whisperings of the staff. I can practically feel death approaching like a fog. But I can't say I have any regrets. I suppose it'll be nice to join Mana, that is, if there really is a world after death. We can laugh at how what little love we had destroyed us. Mana was a poor traveler; he always resented the rich and never cared about anyone of those people stuck on their high horses. Instead he cared about a dying boy who had know a little of love as he had. I had rewarded his kindness only with cheek and disease.
My love had drawn me away from the machines that kept me alive. I finally understood why Mana had cared so much for me. Because I had been the only one who was more pitiable than he was. It all came down to pity in the end. The only reason I had never pitied Lavi was because I was too busy wallowing in self pity. I had never pitied Mana and Lavi had never pitied me. We were hypocrites. We pitied the people we loved for not pitying us.
I don't know how I the air plane can into my grasp. All I know is that it appeared there one day. A bit of what I had called my life that I could cling to. I suspected it was the work of the pigtailed nurse. I had finally recognized what she did for me as more than pity, it was kindness.
Breath was leaving me. But it didn't hurt. On the contrary it felt like something heavy was being lifted off my chest. The fingers that gripped Lavi's airplane were losing feeling. Someone was gentle clutching my other hand as I passed. I never knew who it was, Cross, Lavi, the pigtailed nurse or a stranger. And funny enough, it didn't matter.
~Lavi POV~
Days passed. Red lingered on the edge of my mind, unreachable as ever. But it didn't matter anymore, it was the fact that I had loved him that did. Even if it had all been a lie on his part I didn't care anymore. I didn't resent his freedom like I once had. It was just a fact of life. Red was free, I wasn't. End of story. He could go anywhere he wanted, do anything he wanted, be anything he wanted. I had been a fool to want to take that away. Where had that desire to follow him led anyway? It had led to my death sentence.
But despite my recent revelations, I couldn't help but wonder about the boy I had loved. What was his name, where was he now? But I knew answers would never come. I found that not having answers wasn't nearly as painful as it had once been.
I didn't care much about my upcoming execution, either. Care had left with Red. I had had experiences none of the other prisoners here could imagine, and I pitied them. They would never know the warmth sensation that was love. They would never find something outside themselves that mattered. But then again, they'd probably die without regrets just like I would.
Despite all my resolves and all the regrets I didn't have, when the night before execution came I was scared. I guess it was natural, not wanting to die. But I couldn't see why I should care to continue living either. Maybe, even then, some part of me hoped that I could be free one day. Deak certainly liked that idea. He was always I the back of my mind, pestering me to let him take control and get us out of here. But that was the one thing I was sure I didn't want. I didn't want these hands to hurt anyone else. They'd already done enough damage.
It was only now that I finally understood why murder was so heavily punished. Because I didn't believe there was anything beyond death. I had never been a religious person. I'd always passed religion off as a load of bull. Now I understood its appeal, how nice it would be to believe that this wasn't the end…
Deak laughed every time I thought about the possibility of something beyond death. That was the wonderful thing about him; he could always bring me back to my senses. He was a decent person, Deak was, just violently inclined. Or maybe he was just braver than I was. After all, he had finally told me why he had killed those people. They had been the reason we had been orphans begging in the street. They had killed our parents and grandfather. And they had killed me. Because I was a personae of Deak's creation. I was how he remembered his little brother. I wasn't real, and never had been.
But if I wasn't real, then how could I have loved Red in the first place? Deak didn't care for Red at all. He hated the world that had taken his family away from him. I didn't have that burning rage. Even though Deak claimed that I was an image of the little brother he had lost I didn't remember any family. Deak told me I had been in him long before he caught our parents' killers, but I remember nothing before the time he first killed. The question was, had I become real in that moment?
But of course, it didn't matter in the end. I was going to die the next day. Nothing could change that. I had resolved not to let Deak kill anyone else; for I feared he wouldn't be able to live with himself if that happened. Because beyond the anger there was something like remorse.
I walked toward the firing squad with deliberate slowness. I knew I should savor ever moment. I was struck by how blue the sky was. It seemed enough to live for just that color, but I had no choice but to go forward to my doom.
I didn't feel the first bullet strike. I heard the noise, saw it hit me, but I didn't feel a bit of pain. It wasn't until the second bullet that I realized Deak had taken control. Perhaps this was his way of apologizing for putting me through the pain of losing an eye. Or maybe he was trying to atone for killing. Because in the end he understood just as well as I did that life was precious. He had had every life he cared about snatched away.
I felt the odd sensation of fading from existence. It weird, really, like I was going back to somewhere I had long forgotten. A place before Red or Deak. A place that defined me as myself.