"Time. I'm afraid of time. I mean, I'm afraid of not having enough time." - Bailey Graffman
Warm. Too warm, almost. Her toes were beginning to turn red around the edges. Her arms were damp with sweat. Blindingly white. She shut her eyes against the doubly reflected glare. Rokujou Miyuki could feel herself beginning to fry, like a lobster. I feel like a lobster, her inner personality said. You look like one, her imaginary friend replied, laughing. Her imaginary friend always wore the face of Hanazono Shizuma. Miyuki's inner personality growled.
"R-Rokujou-sama?" The tentative almost-whisper floated to her ears, silent when compared to the crash of the ocean. She opened both her eyes. "Um...one of the girls threw up?"
She wanted to snarl at the girl. She wanted to brush her off. She wanted to roll over and go to sleep and get sunburned... "Oh...I'll, um, see to it."
"Thank you, Rokujou-sama!" The girl tossed over her shoulder, dashing back to play in the surf with her friends. Miyuki's inner personality groaned in disgust. Her outer personality got up to clean up the mess, wiping any traces of discomfort off her face. She hated this job, she really did. She hadn't become student council president to clean up vomit, but that was the way it had turned out. She was the only one not obviously having fun on the beach, and she was in a position of authority, so obviously she was the janitor.
In fact, why had she become student council president? It certaintly wasn't so that she could argue with Spica's president, keep up with endless amounts of paperwork, or watch over Shizuma day and night, to make sure she was doing her job right. Actually, thinking back, Miyuki realized that she had, in fact, listed the answer to her question. To watch over Shizuma day and night.
Miyuki almost blushed.
But lately, or rather, for a while, "watching over Shizuma day and night" began to mean "pestering Shizuma to do her job right". Miyuki had childishly imagined working alongside Shizuma, helping her, becoming closer than ever, but instead, Miyuki had been reduced to almost a servant, a helper, a paper-shuffling assistant. This was due, in part, to the death of Kaori, which had caused Shizuma to withdraw into herself, but Miyuki couldn't help but wonder if perhaps it was, in part, her own fault. Shizuma was vibrant, Miyuki was withdrawn. Shizuma was a hero, Miyuki was an assistant. Shizuma was someone to be loved and respected, Miyuki was someone who cleaned up puke.
If she had tried a little harder, Kaori's death would not have affected Shizuma as badly. If she had comforted her friend, rather than pushed her back into the ordinary swing of things too early, maybe Shizuma would still be her exciting, outgoing self. It was her own fault, Miyuki knew it. But still, the endless looking after, bothering, nagging, and overall annoying her roomate had caused Miyuki to retreat from her emotions almost more than Shizuma had. She felt like an owner looking after a dog...only this dog was powerful and beautiful, and held it's owner under it's domination.
"I am not my lover's keeper," Miyuki's inner personality growled aloud.
"I believe the expression is 'I am not my brother's keeper'," A voice whispered directly into her ear. Miyuki would have jumped, but that would have meant spraying vomit all over. Her hand shook on the mop handle.
"Shizuma!" Miyuki turned around angrily, trying to ignore the circumstance and her slip-up. "Don't do that!"
"You, at least, should be able to get your quotes straight," The Etoile teased airily. "You stay awake during classes."
"So do you."
"Only on the outside. Inside, I'm dreaming..." She winked. Miyuki's inner personality gulped, but her outer one tried to look annoyed.
"Shizuma, what are you doing here? I thought you stayed behind," Miyuki questioned, turning back to her "work", a curtain of shining cobalt hair falling in front of her face.
"How could I resist such a lovely day?" Shizuma lowered herself onto a towel, crossing her legs elegantly. "Anyway, work is for the unenlightened. So I decided to shlep over here and enjoy the beach."
"You do realize this is an overnight trip?" Miyuki's inner personality sighed, and this time, her outer self sighed along. She'd always felt more open, uninhibited around Shizuma.
"Yeah," Shizuma tossed her glimmering silver locks over her shoulder, resting her chin in her hand, gazing out at the tumultuous ocean. "I just came to check up on the girls." She didn't meet Miyuki's eyes.
Yeah, right. She came to see Nagisa, and even she can hardly deny it, Miyuki's inner demon snarled. She felt the pit of acid jealously bubble away in the pit of her stomach, eating away at her heart. "So you're going back?"
"Did I say that? I'm staying overnight with the rest of you morons," Shizuma shrugged. "Might as well. But let's not talk about me, let's talk about you."
"Me?"
"You," Shizuma looked her up and down. Miyuki's fist clenched behind her back. "What's with the school uniform on the beach?"
"I, uh," She began, stumbling over the words. An excuse. Any excuse. "I'm not going swimming, anyway."
Shizuma looked at her knowingly, golden-green eyes gleaming tauntingly. Miyuki's fingernails bit into the flesh of her palm, her fist shaking with surpressed rage. Why did this girl have so much power over her? Why did she know all of her weaknesses, thoughts, ideas, and actions almost before she did? Shizuma knew her fears, her tender spots, and how to get on her nerves better than she did.
"Goodbye," Miyuki muttered, picking up the mop and striding away. She knew Shizuma would be back, she knew she couldn't stay away, but all that mattered now was a dramatic exit...or at least, as dramatic as one could manage when the only exit on a beach was the restroom shack.
.: 11:15 PM :.
The sheets were oppressive, strangling her in their cool embrace. They wrapped linen arms around her neck and pulled her down onto the bed, but Miyuki could not stay still. She tossed, she turned, she rolled, she fidgeted. Thoughts were pounding through her skull with the intensity of a rock band concert. The silent moonlight threw the room into a state of illusion, making it seem as though Shizuma, in the bed across from her, was so deeply in slumber that time had stopped for her, and indeed, for the rest of the world. Miyuki was the only one alive. It was a ghost world.
She sighed, deep in her chest. It was a situation where she longed to fall asleep, but something prevented her. Thoughts. Ideas. Memories. The bane of her existence. Kaori. Nagisa. Tamao. Shizuma. A face drifted through her subconcious, ruby-red eyes gleaming with life, shiny black hair full and beautiful...gone. Wiped away by fate. Another face, young, eager, full-cheeked and pretty, distraught by unrequited love and no possibilities, destroyed by Miyuki's own best friend. A third face, framed by long, sky-blue locks, ucharacteristically worried for her best friend.
Miyuki bit her lower lip, scrunched her eyes up, tried to quell the building pressure behind her gleaming amber eyes. She let out a choked gasp, then quickly glanced at her slumbering friend to ensure that she had not awakened. The air was hot, heavy, weighing down on her like a lead weight. She couldn't breathe. She slowly began to move one leg, sliding it with an excruciating tender care as not to make any sound, and began, piece by piece, extracting herself from the bed.
The window was shut tight. With a quick glance over her shoulder at Shizuma's sleeping form, Miyuki slowly pushed it open. The cold night air rushed into her face, wiping away the sweat on her forehead, calming her flushed cheeks. Miyuki stared unseeingly down at the ground, a half a story below, the scrub growing close to the seaside hotel blending into the sand that stretched for miles.
She'd meant only to open the window and get a breath of air, but her emotions were building once again, and although her body was calmed, her mind was still wild and restless. Miyuki stared down at the ground again, this time calculating the distance. Eight, ten feet, maybe? A three-to-five foot drop, if she hung out? How much sound would her feet make on the sand? How much would it hurt bare feet?
Shoving the thoughts out of her mind, Miyuki delicately reached one leg over the side of the window, hands clenched tightly upon the sill, and lowered herself until her arms were extended. Her hands burned, the windowsill digging into her palms. She took a breath. One, two...three. She dropped, bending her legs and keeping her hands out of the way, wincing as her bare feet hit the sand with more impact than anticipated.
She was out. She was free. The ocean crashed and sprayed, but it seemed somehow muted by the night's peace, and the brightly glowing stars above. She walked closer to the sea, feet silent upon fine sand, trancelike. Miyuki's mind wandered far and wide, flying by topics like Kaori and lost innocence. She was frightened of thinking of these things, terrified of letting her emotions get the better of her, but out here, alone, it was almost innevitable.
She'd been so young, back then. So naivë. And, depressingly, she was still so young, so naivë. Dwelling on the past when graduation was only a year away...oh, how she dreaded that day. To be taken away, against her will, and married to a filthy man! Wasn't that sort of thing illegal? Didn't she have any say in things? Torn away from her friends, closer to her than her family, and thrust into a strange world. Stranger, even, to her than to the rest of the graduating class - they weren't stuck into a cursed arranged marriage.
The cruel freedom of the beach filled her, the taste of seasalt in her mouth, the dampness of the ocean air against her face. Soft sand pressed against her face, her eyes closed, tears seeping out from underneath her eyelids. She lay there, pressed against the comforting earth, for several minutes, until her sobs grew too strong, and she had to sit or risk choking. She sat, hunched over, sobs wracking her frail frame, tears drenching the ground before her, filled with an intense melancholy longing. For freedom. For lack of responsibility. For love. For the power of the ocean crashing around her ears. For...
"Miyuki?" It was tender, apologetic, softly questioning. A hand's familiar pressure on her shoulder, a lock of silver falling in front of her eyes.
"I...I..." She choked, breath coming hard.
"Don't push it, Miyuki-chan," Kneeling beside her. Brushing her hair out of her eyes, wiping away her tears. Comforting her, as always. Cracking her stone-tough protection. "Shh. Breathe."
The shame of being seen like this, not to mention by the very cause of her torment, was almost swept away. She didn't care if Miyuki was a crybaby, and she'd shown up once again to take care of her. Miyuki's tears increased tenfold.
"Shh...shh..." An arm around her shoulders, leaning close. A tissue thrust into her hand. "I don't like to see you cry."
"S-sor-ry..." Miyuki stuttered, angrily swabbing at her damp cheeks.
"Don't be. It's okay, get it all out." With those words, she fell into the waiting arms, sobbing her heart out against Shizuma's chest for as long as she needed to. Slowly, the sobs subsided, the tears dried up, her coloring returned to it's usual ivory, and she was calm enough to converse. "Why are you crying?"
"Nothing...everything...graduation," Miyuki whispered hoarsely. She knew Shizuma could see the fear in her eyes, and she knew she could understand it. Graduation - and what lay beyond - was Miyuki's dread and fear. "The...the usual."
"Hey...do you want to swim?" Shizuma asked her, fidgeting, uncomfortable with this bareing of emotions. Shizuma was too withdrawn to stand it for long, Miyuki understood.
"Here? Now?" She gulped, her eyes firmly avoiding the crashing immense power of the ocean.
"Here. Now. With me." Shizuma grabbed her hand, swinging her to her sore feet. Miyuki tried to protest, but Shizuma was too powerful.
"I...I can't swim," Miyuki admitted softly, blushing as she said it.
"Sure you can," Shizuma protested, looking faintly surprised.
"Not in the ocean. It's so...so powerful..." She quivered.
"So're you. You can fight the current," Shizuma assured her, dragging her toward the water. Miyuki almost gave up protesting, but she glanced at the frothing mass facing her, and shied. The first wave lapped at her feet, cold, taunting, thrilling. She would have turned tail, but the warmth of Shizuma's hand in hers stopped her. Foam brushed against her legs, sending shivers up her spine, and her hand clenched tighter around her friend's. This wasn't so bad.
Without warning, Shizuma plunged ahead, her grip on Miyuki as tight as ever, throwing her into the soaring waves. Miyuki opened her mouth to scream, but horrible-tasting seawater filled her mouth, and she spat it out. Her head came up, and she gasped, too shocked to reprimand Shizuma, who was currently grinning mischieviously at her. The water swirling around her legs was lower now, and Miyuki was just beginning to relax, when another wave crashed over their heads, pulling them under. She was tossed head-over-heels, eyes squeezed tight against this watery hell, chaos roaring around her ears.
The water cleared, leaving her head free again. Shizuma was standing calmly, a broad smile stretched across her face, eyes sparkling with the thrill. Miyuki turned to bolt for shore, but Shizuma grabbed her arm, just as they were swept under again. Miyuki once again would have sceamed, but lacking vocal complaints, dragged herself next to her friend, arms wrapped around Shizuma's, her head pressed against Shizuma's shoulder, fingernails digging into soft flesh. When they were tossed free once more, Miyuki opened her mouth to wail, but Shizuma's hand covered her mouth, stiffiling any sound.
"Shh, Miyuki. Let yourself go. Be swept under..."
And she did just that. Relaxing, although she did grip Shizuma's arm in a circulation-breaking vice hold, feeling the wave slide around her, toss her up and down and every way. She floated on a roller coaster, raced through clouds, soared underground, swam in the sky. This was peace, power, life. This was the ocean. This was Shizuma. She came to the surface reluctantly, only breaking through when Shizuma squeezed her hand.
"Thank you."
"Don't thank me yet." She was drawn close, protected and pressed against her, as they were thrown, together, into another whirlwind of rush. They tumbled together through the waves until they tired, retiring to sit on the sand, waves lapping at their feet. Miyuki felt as though her body had been drained of everything she'd posessed, scrubbed inside and out, made anew.
"Hey, what were you afraid of?" Shizuma asked playfully, lumping wet sand into something that resembled New Orleans, post-Katrina.
Miyuki knew she was teasing, but she couldn't help considering the question. "Power, being overwhelmed. Letting go. Time."
Shizuma's emerald eyes widened. She hadn't been digging deep, but it appeared the dirt had jumped out of the hole. "Time?"
"Time," Miyuki said softly, then louder. She stared at her hands, resting on her knees, water droplets glistening in the moonlight. "I'm scared of graduating, you know that. I'm scared of time flying by until I haven't any left, and I didn't even know it. I'm scared of my life shifting until I lose myself." Until I lose you.
"Miyuki..." Shizuma's voice was low, serious, reaching far too deep for comfort. "I didn't come out here to see the girls, not even Nagisa. I haven't seen her since I arrived...I came to see you."
Together. Joined. Hooked. Caught. Once again, Shizuma moved without warning, turning, pressing their lips together. Once again, Miyuki was caught off guard, suddenly tumbling into a tumultuous sea. Once again, Shizuma taught her to let go, and then...they were flying. Barriers were torn to smithereens. The hourglass stopped, and for the first time in her life, Miyuki was freed from time's restraints. No need to worry, no need to rush, just Shizuma's lips on hers.
Yes, Miyuki realized, as Shizuma's soft fingers drifted across her tear-strewn cheeks, brushing away the salty remnants of yet another tear-storm, there's beauty in the breakdown.
Disclaimer: I do not own Strawberry Panic! or Let Go by Frou Frou...which are, respectively, the anime and the song that the line "there's beauty in the breakdown" was taken from.
My first time writing Strawberry Panic!...how was it? Reviews welcomed (which is, of course, another way of saying "Oh God please please please review I'll do anything").
Sooo...is there anything I didn't follow-up on? Nope, don't think so...USE SODA!
Owari