Because you did right, doesn't mean that you get to feel right. That's what Boss always says when the job gets tough. Some days you want to throw everything away, give up all your believes and do what you want to do, what your heart tells you to do. The trick is to remember to do the right thing, cause it is not always the same thing.
They all knew that they did what they had to do. No matter how long they debriefed trying in vain to find another option that would have brought another outcome, they also knew that it wouldn't change a thing. An eighteen year old girl was killed only because she wanted to protect her mother and herself, only because she had lost faith in police, because she felt like the only person she could count on is herself. But by losing this girl, they lost one of their own.
After the tremendous debrief which lasted till wee hours of the morning, Jules and Sam headed for home both physically and emotionally exhausted. They didn't mutter a word through hole car ride and upon arriving both went upstairs and changed for bed.
As they lay cuddled close, both needing the physical contact, Jules found herself unable to fall asleep. This was nothing new, after a call like that she rarely slept through hole night only grabbing a couple of hours before the start of next shift in order to function properly. So she lay now in Sam's arms with open eyes and mind wandering. Contrary to her Sam always fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow which Jules found ironic but considered part of his military training - sleep no matter what your physical or emotional state is, so you will be up and ready at first notice. So that left Jules alone with her thoughts which were starting to drive her crazy. For a moment she thought about going downstairs and getting herself a drink in order to get rid of the guilt, but she new too well that alcohol rarely solved any problems and only caused more in the long run, so she decided on herbal tea instead.
Carefully easing herself out of Sam's arms Jules made her way to the kitchen. After putting the kettle on the stove she looked out of the window where the first lights of the sunrise were illuminating the tree in the backyard. The day that May Dalton will not see..
He whistle of the kettle brought Jules back out of her trance and she poured herself a cup and heavily went into the living room settling on the couch with steaming cup in her hands.
Not five minutes later she heard light footsteps and Sam joined her on the couch snaking an arm around her waist and leaning his head against her shoulder.
"Can't sleep?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah. Did I wake you?"
"I reached for you, but you weren't there. Figured I should look for you".
Jules sighed heavily and moved closer to Sam. "It was messed up". "Yeah, it was".
"Not only did we lose the girl, but Raf too... How can he give up that easily?"
"I believe we all draw the line somewhere, like what we are willing and unwilling to do... Apparently for him that was it".
Jules sighed once again and turned to the window. "Makes you wonder, what does that say about us if we choose to stay?" After a pause she added: "Me, you, Ed, we all had to take a shot like that, the one no one is willing to take but we have to. And we are still here".
Sam was silent for a moment, then took her hand in his and squeezed gently. "That doesn't make us a better or a worse person than anyone else. That's the job, and that's all. And I strongly believe, that it makes us value a human life even more than any civilian could".
There was a small pause, while she took a sip of her tea and put the cup on the coffee table.
"Hate to think how Ed is feeling right now. And he probably can't even talk to Sophie about it. How do you explain to your wife that you had to shoot a teenage girl?"
Sam looked pensive for a moment and squeezed her hand once again in silent agreement and understanding. They were so lucky, cause they didn't need to explain to each other, they both knew the costs of the job.
"That's not all, is it? Something else is bugging you" asked Sam turning a little bit to look Jules in the eye.
"It's just... I remembered a similar call where I had to take a shot". "Tell me".
Jules turned to Sam looking intently in his baby blues. "You really wanna know?"
"Yeah, you know about the worst I had to take".
"OK then. As you should remember I was a team sniper for five years before a hot-shot JTF-2 sniper appeared out of nowhere and stole my rifle, so..." Sam actually smirked at that lightly pinching her side, which earned him a light slap on the leg.
"Anyways," Jules threw him a pointed pretend-glare: "It happened a couple of months after I joined the team, so I was still considered a rookie at the time, although I've already used lethal force by then".
"We got a call: two children were kidnapped on their way to school, but there were witnesses on scene, who saw a man drive away with the kids. We had a plate so it was a matter of time before we got to the guy. Boss and Marcus, our techie at the time, went to the parents house to find out if it was a targeted abduction or a random one. While Sarge was talking to a distraught mother who couldn't think of anyone who would take her children or a reason why, Marcus was trying to find the car through few traffic cams and messages of other units".
"One of the cruisers spotted the car somewhere in the outskirts of the town, so we all headed there. We found them in an empty warehouse in suburbs, but somehow the father of the children beat us there. As it turned out he saw his kids being abducted but was too late to do something, so he followed the car. What was worse he had a loaded revolver".
"Ed and I were to find Sierra positions while Sarge tried to talk the guy down. The father had the kidnapper at gun point, the kinds were sitting by the back wall, both adults between them and the team. Ed's position was not the best one, through the window he could only see the kidnapper and not the father who was now our subject. I was on the roof, there was some kind of window there, so I had the solution".
"I was given an order to stand by while Sarge was talking, we all could see that he was getting through to the guy, the father was deescalating, from red to yellow in a matter of minutes. We all thought that we were about to resolve it peacefully".
Jules stopped and took a deep breath. Sam sensing that they got to the high point of the story pulled her even closer to him, placing a kiss to the side of her head silently giving her strength to finish.
"He was ready to put the gun away, he lowered the weapon, and then that bastard... I don't even remember who he was a pedophile, a serial killer or human trafficker, it didn't matter in the end. He said something to him, to the father. The Team was standing too far to hear what it was, but it must have cut the father deep, cause he immediately escalated and was able to fire the first shot before anyone of us understood what was going on. He missed, but we all could see that he was ready to shoot again... So Sarge called Scorpio".
Jules was crying at that point and Sam was holding her tightly to his chest giving her his comfort. "I took the shot, I killed a father who was just trying to protect his kids right in front of them!" Sam just gently rocked her and stroked her back until she calmed down a little bit.
"I threw up right there on the roof, my hands were shaking, I couldn't even stand up for the longest time. I sat there on the roof until SIU arrived and took me to the station. One of the worst interviews in my life, because I sat there thinking "No, I don't think that all options were exhausted before the use of lethal force, but it was damn too late!"."
I missed the most part of the debrief that day, I just remember everyone trying to be supportive, but I felt so shitty, that didn't hear much of it".
Jules turned in Sam's arms to look him in the face. "Remember, Ed always says that we're not judges and we don't get to swing it?" Sam nodded. "That's what James, he was TL before Ed, used to say. He was a veteran of the force, Team Leader of Team one for ten years, when I joined, so he knew all about it. He pulled me aside after the debrief told me that I had done a good job and had done the only right thing. Tried giving me a speech about all that "not blaming yourself" thing, but I was not in the mood to listen to it".
"And here I thought that it would be Sarge who talked to you", said Sam a little confused.
"At the time I was closer to James and Ed then to Sarge cause I didn't really have a grip at negotiations and being a sniper I had a closer friendship with the TL and other sniper on the team. As far as I know it was thanks to James that I got a place on Team One, Sarge was hesitant".
"And look how it all turned out". Sam smiled proudly at her. "You are Boss' protégée and a kick-ass negotiator apart from being a sexy sniper chick".
Jules chuckled at that wiping the last tears from her eyes. "Well everything changes, you gotta live with it and adjust". She then turned back serious.
"But anyway, we always say that everybody has those days when they are ready to give everything up. That call was that for me. I came home that day feeling so horrible, so guilty, I didn't know what to do with myself. Both James and Ed called me that night to check up on me which I appreciate now. But the thing was, I didn't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend at the time called the same night to chat and maybe ask me out, but I was so guilt-ridden, that I broke up with him without even explaining what was wrong. I was just thinking over and over that he didn't get it, and if I were to tell him what I did that day, he would have judged me and I couldn't take it".
That's why Jules loved Sam so much, and why he loved her, cause they got it, what they were going through every day, and they were living through it together.
"I felt guilty for the longest time, but that pain faded away with time, I learned how to live with the job. Because for one messed-up call like that there are dozen others where we get to save everyone, where we get to help others, where we get to keep the peace".
Sam nodded understanding her point very well. The best calls were those, where everyone gets to go home safe, where they didn't have to shoot, and reminding yourself what they are fighting for helped to get through days like today.
And of course the company of the most important person in your life was also vital. So Sam pulled Jules into his lap, where she relaxed against his chest, closing her eyes finding her comfort in his embrace.
Today it was Ed, some day it's Sam, it can also be Jules, but they will help each other, support each other. Because not everyday they get to go home with completely clean hands.
A/N. So that it for my first Flashpoint story. And my first story in English, so I apologize for the mistakes I surely made.
Hope it's not too awful. Thanks for reading anyway.