Silly Dumb Letter

To: A silly dumb boy

Harro big brother, I guess I should explain why I am writing you this letter. With your new girlfriend and school life, I doubt you would spend the time talking to me about us. So I've decided to write this letter to you, everything that I want to say to you but never got the chance and never will get the chance too. It is up to you with what you want to do with this letter. I just wish to express myself to you in a way I'm comfortable with.

I never believe that I would feel this way about you, but I hate you. Of all the things we talked about that night, what struck me most was when you said sorry to me. What do you mean by "Sorry we can't be together"? What are you showing me? Pity? How can you be sorry when you made the decision to be with her; you had a choice and you chose her. How can you be sorry for something that you obviously thought it through, knew I would get hurt and carry it out and still feel sorry? But as I think about, if I was put into the same position as you, I would have said sorry too. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, but you had to make a decision. And you chose to be with her. I understand why you said it, but I still hate you for it.

Honestly speaking, I doubt we would have worked out. I have recognized that I am quite possessive as a person. Remember that time when I asked you hypothetically what happens if you start to want someone? Yar, that's the feeling. When you're with her, I feel, to my utter surprise, jealousy; extreme jealousy. I never knew I was capable of evoking such emotion, believing that I was able to control such feelings. I guess I was wrong. Slowly of course, I became numb towards this feeling (okay not totally, I still feel provoked when both of you act intimately with each other where I can see), because I knew that we would not be together.

My only issue with her is the fact that she sometimes gives up on what she does while doing something, citing that she was tired or had no mood to continue. I fear the day she may become tired of loving you, but I trust that she won't. I chose to place my trust in her, because I don't want to think about what would happen if my fear came true (*touch wood*). I feel so silly, still so deeply concerned with how you might feel even thought I doubt that you would be bother by what I would think. Yet here, I am writing you this letter.

I believe that you would have started off a conversation with her or your daughter first considering that they are the closest people to you. Do you remember how many times you would start a conversation with me? I can only recount two. The first was when I told you I had someone special in mind and you had messaged me words of encouragement. The second was when you brought something for me and you urgently wanted to give it to me. On both occasions I was pleasantly shocked, after all the times we chatted I had always started the conversation by asking you if you were free. It gave me a fuzzing warm feeling inside of me, a moment of happiness. It was ironic happiness of course, because you were already with her at that time.

I still remember early on when you came back from the other world; you would proclaim yourself as crazy and then we would banter back and fore to one another over how crazy you truly are. It always came to a point where I would say "You're crazy" to which you reply that you aren't, you were simply you. Overtime you would say that craziness was infectious and I would one day succumb to it. I flatly denied it, but gradually, as you said, I did become crazy; crazy over you. And now I have to rid myself of this illness.

I actually can't stand your current (I doubt you'll be reading this more than once) profile picture on your social network account; that mysterious boy in the darkness. Don't laugh, but… I want that boy in that picture. He isn't the average boy walking on the street, no; something deep inside him, his darkness is something I wish to understand, to grasp onto; to share with my own darkness. For so long, I have been alone on this journey of penance. I have attempted to let others enter my darkness, but most could not understand or navigate through it and the doors close shut to them. And then unexpectedly, you returned, and to my surprise you fit right in my darkness, but there was an even greater surprise; my darkness accepted you. It seems, however, that your darkness has already been claimed by someone else, and I would never get a chance to know that mysterious boy in the darkness.

During the time when the three of us when out together, we were caught in the rain and we were all drench on the way back. She took a photo of you with the one you looking like the poorest thing in the world with your phone so vividly placed in the centre of the photo. To this date, I find that to be the hottest and most loveable photo of you. Each time I looked at it, I just want to hug you, to take care of you and to be with you. I've stopped going back to that photo already, because the guy in the picture is no longer there.

When I'm with only you, I get a sense of peace within me, like my confession was an insignificant matter in relation to everything else. It is of course, the world continues anyway while I tear down the dream world I've created in me and you're still with her, happy together with her. The awkwardness between us fills the area when I'm with you and I just can't pretend that nothing had happen. To the world, and maybe even to you, this may seem just a trivial matter, but it means the world to me. When I see you together with her, there was no hate, no anger, no sadness, yet no happiness either. Like the calmness that resonates in a stormy night, I was a peace. But when the intimacy starts, when you start holding hands, flirting with each other, my emotional chains shook violently; begging to be release and let loose to cause havoc and destruction to demonstrate the amount of hurt I felt. I don't know if both of you did it intentionally and just that you were trying to show me that you were happy together, but it hurts. It hurts tremendously.

When I'm alone, I let loose my emotions, feeling the whole spectrum coming out of me because I know that no one would get hurt by what I unleash. The only thing I wasn't able to do was… cry. Since I had confessed to you, I haven't cried yet. When you replied with the "I'm sorry we can't be together" text, tears formed on my eyes. It has been so long since I last cried my heart out, and until now I have been unable to cry. I guess it's because I think I haven't lost you yet. You told me that if someone was to confess to you, you both could stay as friends, you promised me that we can still be friends.

You know the saying about how the nice person finishes last? I guess that can apply to me. After getting to know you once more, I became friendly, more open to people, less defensive as a person. But I also became ruder, lamer, and more sarcastic, I was becoming bad. I did not like this at all; I was changing as a person. Partly it was because of you, to make you laugh, to see your smile but that was my choice. It seems like I will never understand why boys like a bad girl only to him so much. I'm making another choice now, I want to go back to the old me; the boring, rigid nerd. So I'm walking away from you and not looking back.

NOW BEFORE YOU CLICK THAT 'UNFRIEND' BUTTON, you promised me that we can still be friends. It's just that for now I don't want to spend time with you or both of you until I can sort my feelings out. My last crush took me a whole year away from that person for me to reach acceptance before I moved on, and that was because I had zero contact with that person since he when to a different school entirely. The saying goes "Time heals all wounds." From what I experience I would like to say that time does heal all wounds, but you must get away from the source of the pain and don't be a dumbass to reopen the wounds. We can still say hello to each other, wave at each other and if you really want, tap my head to make yourself feel superior. Haha!

So I guess this is good bye for now. Don't worry; I will be okay, somehow or rather. I have to get over you eventually right? Haha… That doesn't mean that we still can't talk or anything. If you would like to chat, I'm here for you. … … … Who am I kidding; you have your daughter and her, they are all you need. I'm just some fool you reconciled recently who likes you, another insignificant girl just passing by your life… Ahahahaha… Correct place, wrong time. I guess that's why like pole repel each other.

To sum everything up (I know it's really long for a letter. Sorry!), I still need time to re-ascertain my feelings for you; I still get extremely edgy when I see you and her acting intimately to each other; we are still friends; my head is yours to make yourself feel taller. Haha!

Thank you for letting me to get to know you

Sorry for whatever harm I have caused you

Good bye for now, I hope, I'll miss you

I wish you and her a long and blissful relationship

From: A silly dumb girl who can't get over a silly dumb boy

To a silly dumb girl

You are my third, but not my last.

I wish you a long and happy life.

Author's note:

I don't own Sword Art Online or any of its characters. Another story based on a need to write one. Originally the story was going to be called "Confession of a Lovesick Prisoner" and was going to be about Asuna's time trapped in the World Tree and her feelings for Kirito. Eventually Suguha would enter the picture and with the craftiness of Sogou, Asuna would get the wrong impression and begun to question her feelings. The story is incomplete due to… certain events occurring. If you like, I could post that story. Tell me what you think by leaving a review.