Um, wow the mid-season finale. Serious feels over not only Finn's death, but Clarke being the one to do it. Dang writers, I guess that's one way of getting Finn out of the picture to make way for Bellarke. I love that Bellamy was all like, "nah, we gotta save Finn, he's one of us." I don't think either of them (Bellamy/Clarke) are romantically interested in each other- yet. It looks like deep respect and admiration, as well as a dependence one each other as (ex) co-leaders. Question: do you guys think Clarke really did love Finn, or did she just say that to let him die happy thinking she did? She never said it when he did (post-reunion), but still I think she did, it just took her up to the moment that she knew she lost him for her to realize that despite what he did, she still loved him. Well, after watching that episode, I had to write.
"Thanks, Princess."
His final words haunt her. Why should he thank her when it was all her fault to begin with? Everything he did, he did for her. It was all her fault. If she hadn't closed the drop ship, they wouldn't have been separated, he wouldn't have been so desperate to find her, and he would never have slaughtered half a village. He killed for her, and he died for her- at her hands.
"Thanks, Princess."
His blood is everywhere; on her hand, in her hair, on her clothes. The Grounders cry out in anger and start towards Clarke when they realize what she has done, but Commander Lexa silences them. Raven's agonizing screams break through that silence when the camp realizes what she's done, and it roots Clarke to the spot. Tears stream down her face. She killed him. She killed him.
"Thanks, Princess."
The blade falls from her hand. She turns back to the post holding up Finn's lifeless body. It feels unfinished, somehow, like it's her responsibility to carry him back and give him a proper burial, but one glance threatens to bring her to her knees, and she can't afford that show of weakness right now. Later, when she is alone, she can do whatever she wants, but right now she needs to leave. Before she can take a step forward, she hears the order to cut Finn down. She is rooted again, unable to look away as two Grounders step forward and untie him. As they carry his lifeless body away, Finn's eyes fall open, staring at Clarke accusingly.
"Thanks, Princess."
She can't take it. She turns, needing to get away, to escape those harrowing eyes. She walks through the field without a glance at anyone around her until she hears Lexa call out to her when she nears her. "You have stolen our vengeance."
"You wanted his death and he's dead. There's your vengeance."
Lexa purses her lips but does not argue any further. "If you want his body, send your people for it."
"Thank you," Clarke says. She half expected them to hang him as a warning.
"We will require your presence as well as your leaders tomorrow at midday for negotiations here at our camp."
"We'll be here."
Lexa stares at her, takes in her bloody clothes, her shaking hand. "What you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days," she says, not unkindly.
Clarke has no response for this. She continues walking, her steps automatic, her mind in a haze. She is at the camp gates before she realizes it. There's silence as she is admitted but the second she steps inside, her mother is there to embrace her.
"I'm so sorry."
Numb. That's all Clarke can feel until she is torn from Abby's arms by a furious Raven. Kane and Bellamy hold Raven back in time, but they can't stop her from shouting. "What did you do? You killed him!"
Clarke wants to defend herself, explain that there was no other way. Finn surrendered and, short of starting a war, there was no saving him. Their options were watch him be tortured or kill him mercifully. She opens her mouth to say just that, but all that comes out is a pitiful, broken, "I had to". Her eyes plead for understanding that she does not receive.
"The hell you did! You promised nothing would happen to him!" Raven lunges forward but can't break the men's grip on her. She settles for glaring at Clarke with all the hate she can muster. "What you did will stay with you forever," she says spitefully.
Clarke stares at her steadily, unblinking. As if she needed another reminder. "I know," she says quietly before turning her back and walking away.
"Thanks, Princess."
Yes, it will stay with her forever.
100100100
"Everyone thinks you ran away," Bellamy says by way of greeting.
Clarke begins clearing away what she had been drawing in the dirt before Bellamy stops her. "Don't," he says, gently stilling her hand before turning to his sister. "O, go tell the Chancellor that we found Clarke before she sends a search team out, please."
Octavia hesitates until her brother gives her a look. "Okay," she says, turning to leave. She turns back hastily and kneels down to give Clarke a tight hug, whispering, "I get it, Clarke. I get it." Then she leaves to do as her brother asked.
Bellamy takes a seat next to Clarke and they sit side by side in silence. He examines the half-erased drawing in the little light that makes it to their secluded corner. It's Finn, in a spacesuit, because that must be how she wants to remember him. Finn, the Spacewalker.
"Why are you here?" Clarke finally asks.
"Because you shouldn't be alone right now, because you need a friend, and because that's what we do, we support each other."
"I killed him."
"You had to. We all understand that."
"Tell that to Raven."
"She loved him; he was the only family she had. Once the anger dies down a little, she'll understand that it was the best way."
"I loved him too," she says, choking on the words as tears spill out. "I tried to take his place but they wouldn't let me."
Bellamy wraps an arm around her shoulder and pulls her into his chest. He isn't sure when he became the official Consoler of Crying Women, but he's glad he's had a lot of practice with Octavia. "You did the right thing, Clarke."
"I killed him."
"You gave him mercy. He understood that. You did the best you could."
"But he's still dead."
"In one piece without being tortured. You saved him, Clarke, from the Grounders and from himself."
And who will save me from myself?
100100100
She can't sleep. Every time she closes her eyes, it's his eyes she sees. His lifeless, accusatory stare.
"Thanks, Princess."
She should have told him she loved him sooner instead of waiting until the very end. All he wanted was her forgiveness and she couldn't even offer that. Would he still have turned himself in if she had treated him differently from the moment they reunited? Had she not been so appalled by his actions, had she shown him mercy and grace, would he have stayed with her?
She steps outside into the cold night air hoping that will clear her head but even then, all she can think about is him. No matter what she does, she can't escape her own mind.
100100100
Bellamy finds her hidden again the next morning. "Since I didn't see you at breakfast, I assumed you haven't eaten so I brought you some food."
"I'm not hungry."
"You have to eat. We're meeting with the Grounders in a couple of hours and you need to be on point."
"Thanks for that, by the way."
"For what?"
"Backing me up yesterday with my mom."
"It's what we do," he shrugged. "She might have a point though. I mean, we had no choice before but to keep going no matter what happened. Now with the Arc survivors here, you can take time to, I don't know, mourn or whatever."
"Finn sacrificed himself for this alliance to get our people out of Mount Weather. Nothing will keep me away."
"I know. That's why I backed you up. I just want you to know that you don't always have to be so strong," he says, giving her one last look before leaving.
She stares at his now empty seat and sees a notebook and a pencil next to the food he brought her.
Finn brought her a pencil once.
"Thanks, Princess."
100100100
"He was never a spacewalker, you know," Raven says, leaning over Clarke's shoulder to see her drawing. It's the same one she drew in the dirt last night, but on paper now.
"Raven. You scared me."
"It was me," she says, ignoring the comment and taking a seat. "I failed my 0G certification physical and Finn knew how desperately I wanted to go out into space, so he made it happen. And when we got caught, he took the fall. He did it all for me."
Clarke stares at her, fully understanding why Raven felt she owed Finn her life.
"He would never have even been sent down here if it weren't for me," Raven continues.
"None of this was your fault."
"You won't convince me any more than I'll convince you. Besides, that's not what I'm here for. I'm going to the Grounder meeting and I wanted to get a few things straight before we go."
"Like what?"
"I'm still pissed at you, but I get it. That doesn't mean I forgive you, though."
"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, whatever. Let's get this alliance started so we can kick some Mount Weather ass."
Clarke snaps her notebook shut and follows Raven until she reaches her tent. Raven continues on to the group gathered at the gates while Clarke enters her tent to hide her notebook and pencil. Bellamy is at her tent door when she turns around. "Are you ready for this?"
"Yeah. Hey, thanks for the gift."
"Don't mention it, Princess."
"Thanks, Princess."
Clarke closes her eyes in an attempt to shake the memory, but all that does is bring an image of Finn's lifeless eyes boring holes into her. Her eyes fly open. "Don't."
"Okay," he says. He doesn't need to ask what or why, just like he doesn't need to ask if she's sure about going. He just knows. "Let's go."
"Why are you always wherever I am? I don't want you around."
"You shouldn't be alone. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you."
"Every man I've ever loved has ended up killed. My dad, Wells, Finn . . ."
Bellamy studies her carefully. There are no tears and her voice never wavers, but she's staring at him with those deep blue eyes of hers, never breaking contact, and he finds it somewhat unsettling. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not looking for pity, I'm asking you to stay away from me."
"It's too late for that and you know it. We care about each other and no amount of distance is going to change that."
"I want to stop caring."
"So what, you're going to stop caring about Jasper and Monty and our other people in Mount Weather too? That isn't you. You care because that's who you are and all the pain in the world won't change that either, nor should you want it to. Look Clarke," he says, his voice softening, "I'm not going anywhere."
"I can't be saved," she says so softly he almost misses it. The weight of what she did presses in on her like a subtle dagger threatening to end her life as she did Finn's.
"Thanks, Princess."
It's last night all of a sudden and she's saying goodbye to Finn while pushing the knife in him and her breath hitches and her eyes burn and she wants to fall to her knees and break down in tears until a hand on her shoulder brings her back. "That won't stop me from trying, so you might as well get used to it."
She doesn't know how to tell him that she is used to it and that's precisely what scares her. So instead she nods and walks past him to the group waiting for them because she doesn't have the luxury of moping around until her heart doesn't feel like it weighs a ton or until thoughts of Finn stop haunting her. She goes on because that's what they do.
Clarke hears Bellamy's footsteps behind her and wonders how long she has until she loses him too.