A/N: Me being so cheap as to pad this out to up my story count? Why-I-NEVER! The very idea!

Galactic Apocalypse: Asari Porn Edition

Dear Cripple,

Your existence is wholly without merit. Everything about you is worthless. It occurs to us that this might make you sad. It also occurs to us that this sadness is because you are on the losing side of the war, and thus we encourage you to forgo any conclusions you have made about us at this point and join us here on the Dark Side, where we have more asari porn than you can shake a stick at.

-Your New Friends
The Reapers™

The Galactic Apocalypse Is Nigh!

Dear Douchebag Clowns from Outer Space,

Okay, look, a) that's the worst sales pitch I've ever heard next to Garrus' Buy Vigilante Justice On A Stick campaign, which was nothing but Garrus shoving poles up people's asses on Omega and then charging them for it, and b) please, I'm not that easy! Give me some credit.

Are you guys even trying anymore? I mean, seriously. Even the Illusive Man was less obvious than this. (But only slightly.)

-Fight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau

P.S. Your face is without merit!

Dear Puny and Worthless Cripple,

As per your advisement, we have revised our sales pitch:

We wish to only mention that there is a suspicious lack of asari porn aboard your shiny vessel. This is odd, due to the frequent visits from a Dr. Liara T'soni, whom our analyses indicates is an asari of some level of attractiveness. There is not nearly enough wild, unadulterated apocalypse sex aboard your vessel. Neither the antics of Shepard nor the exploits of the entity known as "Jack" count. Thus, it is our firm opinion that your shiny vessel could use some lovin'!

We would like to add that as Reapers, we have automatic mind control over all organic meatbags, should you join our side, it is fully within our abilities and parameters to command an harem of asari maidens at your disposal. Organic minds are nothing but sad, small, fleshy putty in our hands.

-With hope,
The Race of Machines That Is Definitely Not Trying to Kill You and Also Love Your Hat Lots

P.S. We do not have faces. This comment is meaningless and we don't understand it. Please explain this "your face" to us further.

The Galactic Apocalypse Is Nigh! Prepare For Thy Doom!

Dear Space Bugs,

Well, the "puny worthless cripple" intro was a bit much, but I can see you guys are trying so I'll let it slide.

Yeah, ever since Shepard and Samara killed Morinth there haven't been any sexy asari around. And I don't count Samara because she could kill me, peacefully, in the time it takes me to breathe, and that sort of thing intimidates me too much to be attractive … Doesn't help matters that Liara's gone off the deep end of information-brokering and started straight-up channeling Benezia. Why can't the galaxy be full of kickass, sexy, and mentally stable women that are willing to aid our You-killing cause at the drop of a hat? I mean, is that really too much to ask?

A full-on asari harem, eh? Now we're talkin'! What else you guys got?

-Don't hemorrhage your circuits with all that ass-kissing
Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau

P.S. Don't be such a Legion. We already have our fill of Curious Terminator-George with him around, thanks. By the way, if you guys happen to have an omelet bar, I'm so in.

Dear Not Puny or Worthless or Stupid Crippled Ape, whose name we forget,

We have pie.

Sincerely,
The Reapers™

P.S. If there is not an omelet bar, we will make an omelet bar. That is the most ingenious idea we've ever heard! Delicious omelet bars for everyone. They will soon be mandatory.

The Galactic Apocalypse Is Nigh! Prepare For Thy Doom! You Will All Be Exterminated!

Dear Villain Buddies,

Gee, maybe it's just the painkillers talking, or the tons of alcohol (or both) but you guys are starting to make a lot of sense. I think I'm starting to like you. You're kind of like giant, space-faring Silverback gorillas of pie and friendship, except you're destroying the galaxy and everything. You're all right!

-Lotsa bone-breaking hugs,
Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau

P.S. I know, right? You should so build one. It would be the best thing ever. I only saw an omelet bar once, I think it was on the Citadel or something, I can't remember – either way, the experience was so awesome and memorable that it just stuck with me and I thought, "this is the best idea anyone has ever come up with, in the history of ever."

Omelet bars. Srsly! Spread the word!

Dear Worthless Cripple,

Sarcasm does not become your fragile Vrolik's frame.

Disappointedly,
Your Impending Crush-based Doom

Dear Worthless Assholes,

Can't blame me for trying.

-Merrily,
Joker

P.S. Were you kidding about that omelet bar? Because I actually want one of those, I wasn't joking about that shit.

R&R!