He knew there would be casualties. It wasn't called a suicide mission for no good reason.
That being said, Jeff Moreau was not expecting the sheer number of coffins, some empty, some not, which stood before him in the Normandy's shuttle bay. Sure, the crew were back safe and sound and physically unharmed. But before him, twelve coffins. Twelve dead. Twelve brave souls who had gone up against impossible odds, and succeeded at a terrible cost. The site before him filled him with a level of dread that he had not felt in over two years, when his previous ship, and by extension career had unexpectedly come to an end. His gaze was drawn to the closest coffin, an N7 logo attached to it. Billions of credits on Cerberus' behalf, and Commander Shepard was dead again.
As he mourned the lost he felt a figure approach from behind him, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'The only ground team survivor', Joker thought. How the hell had this happened? They were prepared. Ready for the mission. Shepard had said so. Miranda had agreed. Hell even the overly pessimistic Zaeed had seemed confident in their chances. What good it did them in the end. All of them dead. All but one.
Hours Earlier
Jack had been the first to go. It was so fast, so unexpected. Barely a minute through the Omega Four relay and those damn spheres had been upon them, lasers flying from all sides. Despite everything, one laser had managed to penetrate the Normandy's hull, and Jack had just been unlucky enough to be standing exactly in the same position. Her yell of pain echoed across the CIC, as well as Shepard's blatant attempts to deny the truth. In the end it had been Miranda of all people who had to remind Shepard of the mission. Joker might not had liked Jack much, but even still having a comrade die in such a way, without even fighting, was harrowing. Joker hoped that this was just bad luck.
It wasn't.
Next thing he knew he was flying the Normandy through a debris field in order to escape the pursuing collector death balls. He realised his mistake when EDI pointed it out. The kinetic barriers of the Normandy would not be able to withstand the impact from the various pieces of debris. Next thing he knew his screens were lighting up with all sorts of warnings, including a critical message from engineering. Moments later an explosion rocked the ship. Something in engineering had blown, and blown badly enough to shake the entire ship.
EDI spoke moments later. "Explosion in main engineering. Damage was contained. But Kasumi did not survive, I'm sorry Jeff".
'God Dammit!' Joker thought. He liked Kasumi, despite being a thief that had probably stolen his prized possessions more than once without him noticing. She was kind and always up for a laugh, and a perverse gossip, exactly like he was. So to learn of her death was another major kick to his morale. But he had to continue, as the fate of millions was on their shoulders.
And then the collector ship had returned. That bastard had once upon a time cost him everything. Joker fully intended to exact his revenge. Flying the Normandy in close to his goal he fired everything the Normandy had. He was done screwing around with the collector arseholes. He would blow the bastards out of the sky single handed, and make them pay for…
"They got Thane."
'What!?'
Joker was so focused on the fight with the collector ship he hadn't heard the sounds of the creaking metal, as a girder had broken free and impaled the Drell into the side wall of the CIC. He didn't even hear Thane's pained gasp as he died. It had taken Miranda stating the obvious again to draw his attention. He had been so focused he had missed the fact that another of his comrades, another friend had died miserably. Sure, Thane was already dying, but even still. Nobody deserved such a fate.
Despite the odds, the Normandy made it to the Collector base, albeit in a rough shape. But that wasn't his concern at the moment.
Jack. Kasumi. Thane. All dead before the mission had truly begun. He could only hope to whatever gods existed that their luck would change.
Joker listened in on the plan for the mission, as Shepard rallied what remained of the troops. Dividing the team into two seemed logical to Joker. Jacob had volunteered to run infiltration, and Shepard had let him. Zaeed would lead the second team.
As so the teams set off, into the breach. Shepard on one side, accompanied by Legion and Garrus. Zaeed and the rest the other, while Jacob went through the ventilation shafts. All Joker could do was watch through the various helmet cams. Alternating between the members of the team. He may not be there in person, but Joker liked to think he was a core part of the team, even if it was in the role of annoying voice in your head.
The team fought their way through valiantly. And then the door had jammed while trying to shut. Joker stiffed. 'No, not again. Please no.'
Moments later, Jacob's head exploded in a flash of yellow light.
Various yells through the comms occurred all at once. Many expressing their horror at Jacob's death. Even Grunt had seemed shocked at the events. Joker didn't want to believe it any more than he did the past three times. Jacob was a nice enough guy. He had kept the squad grounded and sane at the worst of times. Everyone liked him, even Tali after her suspicion had waned.
And now he was dead thanks to Harbinger. Like Jack. Like Kasumi. Like Thane.
Still. They had to push on in their honour. So they did. Joker watched with morbid interest as human colonists were melted down in tube like pods. A horrible, tragic, and downright disturbing fate. At least the crew had been rescued. Kelly. Chakwas. Ken and Gabby. All alive, if not mentally scared.
The plan changed again. Zaeed would lead the second team again. Legion would bring the survivors back. Samara would escort Shepard, Miranda and Tali through a parallel chamber overrun with seeker swarms with her biotics. Joker could only hope that it would all work out ok. 'Surely this time' He thought.
He watched the helmet cams again. Alternating between Shepard and Zaeed this time. Watching. Waiting. Hoping.
Disaster struck not long after. Shepard and his team reached the end of the chamber they had been traversing, and Samara collapses. Without the barrier to hold off the swarms, it was only a matter of time.
The following events would haunt Joker's dreams for the rest of his life. The swarms descended around Shepard's squad, and zeroed in on one of the team.
'No! Please not her. Anyone but her!'
"Tali!" Shepard yelled. Tali's screams of pain as she was carried away by the seeker swarms echoed through Jokers comms, until mercifully, they stopped.
Tali. She was so young when she joined Shepard back in the days of Saren and Sovereign. Hell she was barely an adult now. He and Tali had always been close, from the day she stepped aboard the original Normandy. Joker had spent hours talking shop and comparing designs of Human and Quarian vessels. She was so innocent, despite the fact that she was lethal up close with a shotgun. When angry, even Wrex and Garrus paled in comparison to her rage.
And now she was dead. Like Jack, Kasumi, Thane, Jacob.
And now Tali. Sweet innocent Tali.
Joker could only hope she was the last, for what remained of his sanities sake.
She wasn't.
Moments later Joker was forced to watch as Zaeed fell to a stray round. It hit him right in the chest. Through the already collapsed barriers. Through the armour he wore. Joker felt like hitting his console in angry, regardless of his brittle bones. He calmed down enough to hear Zaeed's final words.
"Figured it might end something like this."
At least Zaeed died how he lived. That was somewhat comforting to Joker. Zaeed got to go out like a badass.
Seconds later, Joker's day got worse.
Chakwas's group arrived, without Legion.
A geth. A geth had sacrificed itself to ensure that organics could survive. A geth. The boogiemen of the galaxy. The machine monsters who stuck people on spikes and worked for the reapers had saved human lives over itself. Joker was wrong about the geth. He had wanted it destroyed or taken apart. Not reactivated and given a place on the team. And now it, no, he was dead as well. A geth. 'No. His name was Legion.'
Joker would do his best to honour the fallen AI.
And so it came to a final stand for Shepard and the team. Joker watched with apprehension as the team once more split in two. Shepard, Miranda and Grunt would got ahead. Garrus, Samara and Mordin would hold the line.
Joker had a bad feeling about this.
He watched with rapt attention. The Human-Reaper. Constant Collector attacks. Harbinger springing up, taunting Shepard. The ground team, doing their best to hold of an army of Collectors between the three of them. Garrus' panicked message to Shepard. Shepard telling them to run, head to the Normandy. The Illusive Man trying to convince Shepard to retain the base for Cerberus means. And then the Human-Reaper attacked again, and the helmet cams shut off. All of them. Shepard's. Miranda's. Garrus's. Joker didn't know what to do except wait and see.
He didn't have high hopes. Not after what had occurred so far.
So he sat and waited. Staring at the airlock. Waiting for someone. Anyone to arrive.
'Just one. Is that too much to ask. Just save one.'
Joker got his wish seconds later, as the doors to the airlock opened.
Never in his life had Jeff Moreau been so glad to see the battered blue armoured hulk of Garrus Vakarian. Badly beaten, but alive.
Alive. Garrus was alive.
"Garrus, you ok?" Joker exclaimed with relief. "Where are the others?"
One look from Garrus confirmed his suspicion.
Mordin and Samara hadn't made it back.
The crazy scientist and the humble yet deadly Justicar, gone.
'God fucking dammit'. For once Joker allowed the anger to flow through him. Practically everyone he had come to know over the course of this mission was dead.
Still. At least there was a chance that Shepard's squad was still alive.
Joker got his answer moments later.
Standing outside in the heat of a conflict as the station collapsed around him was not as enthralling as Joker believed it might be, even as he hit a Collector with pure luck. Garrus was passed out cold in the CIC from the fight, unable to help Joker now. But for Joker that was fine. He wanted a little time on his own with the Collector bastards who took his friends from him.
"That's for Jack. And Kasumi. And Thane" One Collector fell.
"And Jacob, Zaeed, Legion and Mordin." Another drone down.
"And that's one for Samara. And Tali." A third drone collapsed under Joker's anger. He didn't care if he broke a few bones from the recoil of the assault rifle. At this point, revenge was his only goal.
And then Shepard appeared, without Miranda and Grunt.
'No one else!' was the only thought going through Joker' mind as Shepard leapt for the ship.
Leapt and very nearly missed. Shepard was left clinging to the edge of the ship with no hope of being pulled to safety. Joker had not the physical strength to pull Shepard up alone. And with Garrus passed out…
"Joker listen, you have to tell them." Shepard began.
No. Shepard was not doing this again to him. Not again.
"Got to warn them. More are coming. Joker. Go!" And Shepard fell.
"Commander! Shepard!"
Present Time- Post Suicide Mission
Commander Shepard was dead.
As was Miranda, Jacob, Mordin, Grunt, Zaeed, Thane, Kasumi, Samara, Jack, Legion.
And Tali. That one still hurt Joker the most.
The hand on his shoulder squeezed to offer comfort in this trying time. Joker turned to face him. The only squad survivor.
"I'm sorry Joker. I should have been there to help you. If I hadn't…" Garrus begun.
"It's ok. You were hurt. Bad. It's my fault. I failed to pull Shepard up." Joker replied dismally. Depression and PTSD would kick in even if he hadn't been on the ground with the team.
"Don't beat yourself up over this Jeff. It wasn't your fault. Nothing could be done. They died heroes." Garrus stated with rare confidence. Joker could tell that Garrus was mourning internally rather than externally. Must be a Turian thing. "We'll do our best to honour them together Joker. The reapers won't know what hit them." Garrus continued with fervour.
Joker wished he shared Garrus' point of view. But after watching so many of his friends die, how could he.
"What chance do we have without Shepard though?" Joker exclaimed, allowing his anger at the missions' outcome to show.
Garrus' response was almost immediate "If you had died during the attack what would you expect Shepard to do. Sulk that the best human pilot of all time was dead and thus the reapers had won, or take the fight to them in your memory and succeed?"
Joker knew the answer to that without hesitation. Shepard would continue the fight in memory of those who had fallen. And so Joker would do the same.
With renewed confidence, Joker looked Garrus in the eye. "Come on big guy, we've got a reaper invasion to prepare for."
Garrus chuckled lightly despite the situation. "No one else I'd rather do this with."