STAN AND WENDY GO SHOPPING
BY SHADOWGATE
…
It was just after lunch and Wendy told Stan she wanted him to accompany her shopping after school. Stan of course said "sure" but wasn't really looking forward to shopping.
At 3PM school was letting out and Stan told his friends he would be spending the evening shopping with Wendy.
Cartman began laughing and he said "Wendy is such a cunt and you want to go shopping for clothes with her Stan. Stan you must be a sissy homo."
BOOM
Stan punched Cartman in his nose and Cartman went flying against the lockers.
Stan went on to say "well Kyle you go shopping with your girlfriend even if you don't want to."
Kyle turned around and said "hey fatty let's get you to the nurse's office."
Kyle and Kenny help Cartman up and escort him to the nurse's office. Stan meets Wendy in the school parking lot at 3:15 and they go to the mall. They pass the shoe store that Clyde's dad owns and enter a brand new department store that just opened and Wendy was so excited about it.
After three hours of shopping they finally get in line.
Stan says "oh we're finally in line."
One minute later Stan says "whoa something stinks big time."
When they got out of the department store with Stan carrying Wendy's bags they went to Shakey's Pizza.
They sat down at the table and Wendy said "Stan I think that lady behind us farted and you embarrassed her when you said 'something stinks' so please behave yourself in a department store."
Stan giggles and said "well Goddamn I figured someone cut one."
Wendy became much more irritated "shit Stan you watch Terrance and Phillip and you hang out with that fat ass Eric Cartman and you act like you have no idea what farts smell like."
Stan tries hard not to laugh and Wendy says "let's just order dinner."
Token and Nicole happen to be in Shakey's Pizza and they stop to see Stan and Wendy.
"Hey Stan" Token said as he and Nicole surrounded their table.
"Oh Token back off Wendy is mine" Stan said. But then Stan said "oh sorry I know the relationship is over and it was pretty short."
Token says "of course Wendy is all yours and well for a little while Nicole went with Kyle but now she is back with me."
Token adds "oh wait Kyle is your best friend."
Stan gives Token a dirty look and then Token tells Nicole "we'd better get going."
Wendy turned over and gave Stan a dirty look and Stan said "I'm sorry I just reacted badly I think it's a full moon."
Wendy turns her head the other way and sees the waiter coming. To her dismay it's the rude Chinese waiter they had to deal with on a previous date.
The Chinese waiter comes over to their table and says "what do you two brats want, hurry up I hate children."
Stan said "two root beers and one large pepperoni pizza."
The waiter leaves and then Stan points to the television. He says "look Wendy the news is on and you love the news Wendy."
The news castor starts "today at the mall a brand new department store had to be shut down because a fat woman defecated in her pants. Here now is a fat man wearing a tutu."
The fat man in a tutu steps up to give his report and as he does Wendy turns to Stan and says "don't say anything."
Stan has a big smile on his face and soon the waiter brings them their drinks.
Five minutes later Stan tells Wendy to look at his drink. She can see it's yellow-orange and it's NOT root beer.
Wendy says "holy shit you got beer."
Stan says "that Chinese waiter is so rude and he never pays attention half the time to what he's giving people."
Wendy says "Stan you just drank half that beer."
Stan replies "let me drink the other half."
Stan finishes his beer and Wendy whines "Stan."
Stan turns his head and asked Wendy "did you see that Sesame Street episode where Elmo told Big Bird to shut the fuck up? That was funny."
Wendy replied "Stan it's a kid's show and I doubt they would ever have an episode where Elmo told Big Bird to shut the fuck up."
Stan turns toward the television and watches the news.
The news castor says "In other news the popular television show Sesame Street is under heavy fire from the parent's television council because it a recent episode Elmo cussed out Big Bird. We go now live to a fat woman with a beard."
The fat woman with a beard says "thank you Tom" and then goes on with her report.
Stan says to Wendy "told you so" and Wendy groans.
Wendy calls for the waiter and she asks "where's the restroom I don't come here that often so I don't know."
The waiter says "I don't feel like telling you where the bathroom is. You can go diarrhea in your pants."
Wendy was absolutely disgusted with the rude response from the waiter and not long after that Stan said he would sing for her.
Stan says "this is a song about Old McDonald."
"Old McDonald was sitting on a bench. He was hitting his knee with a monkey wrench. He missed his knee and hit his balls. Then he started to piss all over his overalls. He went to the kitchen and he went too fast. He rammed his finger up his grandma's ass and his grandma said 'get your Goddamn finger out of my asshole."
Wendy giggles and says "Stan now come on."
Stan says "oh I'm just getting started."
Stan goes on to sing "she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming around the mountain she'll be coming around the mountain she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. I will squeeze her big tits when she comes. I will squeeze her big tits when she comes, I will squeeze her big tits, I will squeeze her big tits, I will squeeze her big tits when she comes. I will spread her like some mayonnaise when she comes. I will spread her like some mayonnaise when she comes. I will spread her like some mayonnaise, I will spread her like some mayonnaise, I will spread her like some mayonnaise when she comes. I will lick her big hot pussy when she comes. I will lick her big hot pussy when she comes. I will lick her big hot pussy, I will lick her big hot pussy, I will lick her big hot pussy when she comes. I will fuck her in the ass when she comes. I will fuck her in the ass when she comes. I will fuck her in the ass, I will fuck her in the ass, I will fuck her in the ass when she comes."
At this point people were staring at Stan and Wendy was feeling uncomfortable.
Stan said "let's have a second chorus."
"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming around the mountain she'll be coming around the mountain she'll be coming around the mountain, WHEN SHE COMES! I will squeeze her big tits when she comes. I will squeeze her big tits when she comes. I will squeeze her big tits, I will squeeze her big tits, I will squeeze her big tits WHEN SHE COMES. I will spread her like some mayonnaise when she comes. I will spread her like some mayonnaise when she comes. I will spread her like some mayonnaise I will spread her like some mayonnaise I will spread her like some mayonnaise WHEN SHE COMES! I will spank her big fat ass when she comes."
Wendy grabs Stan and tells him to cut it out and then the waiter comes and says "you two brats have potty mouths. I want you two out of my restaurant."
Stan yelled "GO SHOVE A PAIR OF CHOP STICKS UP YOUR ASS YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"
Wendy grabbed Stan and dragged him out of the restaurant but NOT before she made it clear to the staff she would not be paying for the drinks because the service was bad and she reminded them they could be shut down just for accidentally serving alcohol to a minor.
The next day in school Wendy and Stan went to see Counselor Mackey to talk about the eventful shopping trip they had.
Stan starts off by saying "all I know is that Bebe wants to kill me because she feels I ruined Wendy's shopping trip."
Wendy says "I'll talk to Bebe again and tell her to calm down."
Stan told Mister Mackey that they served him beer at Shakey's Pizza by mistake and Mister Mackey was shocked. Wendy said "Stan you knew it was beer long before you finished it. You knowingly drank that beer."
Stan said "yes and considering how liberal you are I can't believe you're so mad at me for underage drinking."
Wendy said "well you know you're right maybe I just expected things to be different. You see I've learned something today. Men don't care to shop for dresses and perfume with their girlfriends and this is why mothers who take their sons shopping for clothes gets stressed out. Their sons don't want to be there."
Mister Mackey says to Wendy "maybe the next time you go shopping and you want someone of the opposite sex to accompany you then you should ask Mister Garrison to accompany you."
Mister Mackey, Stan, and Wendy all fell out of their chairs laughing.
THE END