Her heart was beating violently within her chest, eyes like winter and ice staring up at him, a fragility like that of a deer caught in headlights, making her body tense with anticipation. Only the loud hum of the waterfall, behind her, masked the way her pulse raced and how heavily she was breathing the crisp mountain air.

His sharp gaze, like molten gold was a phantom of the one it had been in his young years, yet, relentlessly searching and prying into her very soul just the same. There was a dull ache, corroded by time that had suddenly spiked in her ribcage when those damned embers flicked over her exposed flesh.

And the tell-tale butterflies that had long perished with every year that passed, began to flap their wings aggressively, insistently, in the depth of her womb.

She felt alive.

For the first time in so many miserable years, she was alive.

His hair, that grew long, cascaded over a broad back, dressed in a smart suit that brought out his features like a beautiful canvas. He had matured, she knew, he grew -without her -he learned and passed many a trials -without her at his side -married, had a son, a business that he birthed, a legacy he made with his own bare, calloused hands.

He became a strength, a force so captivating and majestic that she wanted to weep at his very feet and reach out just to make sure he was not one of those pesky, haunting illusions.

Without her. It echoed traitorously into her emptying mind, again and again.

Her eyelashes fluttered closed, hiding the breakage of glaciers behind eyelids, pressing plump, reddened lips together in a manner that was meant to suppress the keen building in her constricting throat. The freezing water that reached her naked thighs served as an anchor, while the white transparency of her yukata allowed nothing to remain in this regal male's imagination. The anchor loosened in transparency.

Where she crumbled, he stood tall like one of the towers belonging to his family's palace, unwavering and imperial, or the sturdy, unmoving stones that made the shore of the waterfall basin, solid against the elements, no matter how harsh. Her damp snow-white locks stuck to her neck and back, slithering down to the curve of her buttocks, giving her some warm comfort, like a blanket.

Was his wife that much better than her? The betraying green monster reared its head into her rabbiting heart, even now. Then again, she'd been plagued with dark, jealous thoughts for a long time now. Yet...

No.

She would be a terrible liar if she admitted that to herself, that woman was in no way better, not even with that pretentious name of hers. His wife, no matter how lovely or nurturing, simply bore a streak of a semblance to her, something she didn't fail to observe as soon as she laid eyes on her. A cruel sense of satisfaction coursed through her, knowing, just like the look Jeanne bestowed upon her when the revelation unfurled itself before her crimson eyes. Maybe it was the color of the hair, maybe her feminine presence and grace that allowed him to breathe with ease, maybe the soft looking skin or the famished longing in her eyes, maybe that's what attracted him to his dear wife. The unconscious decision to fix something with something else, that was supposed to make it better and function the same way.

He chose that shell of a reminder, though. That fake illusion that tricked him into the same fake sense of familiarity he once found in her.

Yue returned too late, but the old man knew that, his father. What a devious creature he had been, how cruel he had been...sending her away for the sake of his son, because 'it was an embarrassment' that he firstly, showed interest in someone of her low rank, and, secondly, that she was a distraction from his training and indoctrination.

She opened her eyes, a sudden splash and ripple in the water making her aware of her surroundings again.

Tao Ren was knee-deep into the cold pond, advancing towards her, soaking his expensive Guanashina suit and caring little about his shiny, high-end designer leather shoes. He stopped when he was inches away from her, the proximity making both of them inhale and exhale anxiously, the atmosphere thick with tension, static buzzing from all those unspoken barriers broken many times over, be it with a hungry glance or a greedy touch.

"Yue." He worded her name simply, tone demanding of her that she comply, cease her foolish little hide-and-seek game, and meet his scorching gaze. Too long had they danced this dance, tipping over the edge so many times, catching themselves just before they fell for good.

"What are you doing, Master Tao?" she asked just as simply, controlling her voice so well that it ignited him on the spot, a scrunch, a frown, forming easily upon his noble features. "No more of this."

Before she could inquire what he meant by that, his hands cupped her head on both sides and pulled her into a ravenous kiss that demolished the last of her defences. In a matter of seconds, her resistance crumpled. Oh, how she missed this familiar feeling, his touch and his smell, how he always managed to encompass her whole being into a sense of security and familiarity that could only be described as home.

She was at home. Finally.

But her conscience wouldn't make peace with her desires. As far as their statuses were concerned, he belonged to another and she was only a past memory. A little perverse part of her smiled, rejoiced in knowing that the boy she left so many years ago, the one that swore stubbornly that she was his to marry when they grew into adults, that boy, this man, they both wanted her.

Still wanted her.

He made his point and sealed it with his smoldering lips, with the way his hands slipped over her neck posessively, with the way he traced her shoulders and waist like a man that was starving. What about his wife? They had a son together. True, she was away more often than not, busy with her charities and her 'friends', leaving their child with Ren for weeks, sometimes months, this time a year too long. A man such as him, carrying the weight of so much responsibility on his shoulders, being in this position, it was a bit laughable, in her opinion. No wonder he sought out what he couldn't have with his own wife.

Tongues pressing, mouths feverishly searching each other sloppily, learning each other once again, guilty consciences be damned, she wanted him like he wanted her. Maybe this familiar place was at fault too, after all, they used to come here together, on his father's land, to meditate under the waterfall for hours.

Those old days when he would steal a kiss from her when she wasn't busy with her own duties as a servant, under the old oak tree in the royal gardens, when he was free of his father's disciplining, if only for a second. Sometimes, she knew, that he would bear it all, just because at the end of the day, he could see her and they would stargaze on the tower's highest roof of the Tao donjon.

It put her mind at ease, when he was close.

His father, however, wanted him to become the Shaman King so bad that Ren started believing he wanted it just as badly, and, she had often feared that he might lose sight of himself, that he might forget himself completely, as a human being. It seemed like he grew out of that unhealthy dehumanizing quest and still made the family proud, without needing some title to validate himself or his usefulness.

His sinful tongue trailed the pulse of her neck and as he inhaled her scent, teeth grazing, his arms pulled her flush against him by her waist, a low groan escaping her throat at the contact. Like a flutter, the previous train of thought disappeared and made way for other pressing matters.

What were they doing?

"R-Ren...we-"

"Shut up." He interrupted her with a particularly stingy bite over her throat, his hot breath fanning the skin when she moaned her need in his ear. It seemed he had had enough, the finality clear in his golden gaze when he pulled away, gripping both sides that made the collar of her yukata and yanking it down with force, leaving her top bare for him to savor. She inhaled sharply at the exposure, but didn't fight it one bit, only complied by letting the sleeves slip her elbows and submitting to his desire, lest he tear the fabric.

Her arms then wrapped around his neck urgently, and she wasted no more time in hungrily devouring his lips, just the same as he did. His hands slid, avariciously, down her bare back, followed her hips and paused over her buttocks, giving the plump behind a squeeze and bringing her groin flush against his as a result.

Oh, by the-

Their kiss became desperate and their lust almost uncontrollable, his mouth laving her neck and breasts in a manner that had her see stars behind her eyelids and cuss softly under her breath. Swiftly, without warning, he hoisted her up by her ass and she instinctively wrapped her legs around his middle, thighs squeezing at feeling his hardened crotch underneath his fancy suit pants.

"Oh, Ren…"

This was dizzying, so much so, that she didn't even realize he was moving deeper into the freezing water, not until the cold nipped at her middle deliciously and she pulled to look, to seek him, to know. Baby blues mirrored searing yellows, finding so many conflicting emotions there, that she was momentarily awestruck, lost in him completely.

Then his fingers pushed her panties aside and his cock filled her in the most painfully delightful way possible, stretching, burning, throbbing.

When did he even manage to pull down his zipper?

She arched against him with a shuddering sharp moan, head lolling back. This wasn't how she imagined it would end up being like, not how she saw her first time with Ren, it was always a fantasy in the furthest corners of her mind, that of passionately making love to one another, each of them giving themselves for the first time to each other. A more romantic setting, she had assumed.

But that had long sunk into the depth of years. Those were the fantasies of a teenage girl.

Then again, as fate would have it, he wasn't her first and she wasn't his first. A notion that he seemed to grasp with a furious snarl and a hard clutch of her milky thigh, even through the clouded judgment he was under. That would bruise later, her fogged mind supplied.

Her body trembled and she brought herself back to him, capturing his mouth with hers, attempting to make him forget how she had been with another. He grunted and slid out of her completely, only to slam right back in, punishingly, making ripples on the water surface and a slapping sound of skin on skin, shadowed by the howl of the waterfall not far from them.

That managed to grant him another lewd moan from her, the muscles of her arms tensing around his shoulders as soon as he repeated that motion again and again. This was not love-making, it was a simple, quick, filthy and...wrong fucking.

But it was theirs and nothing felt more right than that alone.

They moved as one, biting and clawing at each other's bodies, his fingers wound possessively into her roots, forcing her throat bare to him. Degrading nothings spilled from his mouth, before it found her skin and sucked, bit, broke through flesh, until she clenched around his cock viciously, prompting him to shudder with a rugged groan and fill her up to the brim, hips stuttering.

Just the thought of him spilling into her, taking her like this, had her panting with delirious need, as if this alone wasn't satisfying enough.

For now it would do, however.

She didn't want to ask for more, even if it had already been a whole year of her standing by his side. Not as a wife or a lover, but as the protector of his son, in service to his family.

He quickly let her go, as if reality was catching up with him and she was too afraid to look up at him, fearing that she would see guilt, disgust, and most importantly, rejection. So, she did what she did best and covered herself up, choosing to brush off what had just transpired and leaving the water without uttering a word. The walls were built up again, albeit, cracked and almost useless if not for a fake mask of content.

Grabbing her towel from one of the shore's large stones, she carefully wiped her face and patted down the length of her hair, before she pulled a second robe over her wet one, this one thicker and effectively hiding everything from sight.

His eyes were on her, she could feel, burning, assessing, calculating, regretting.

Consequently, her movements were rigid, forced and hurried, so as to avoid any contact for now, to get the hell away from him as soon as humanly possible.

She clumsily slipped on her wooden sandals, grabbed the same towel and laid it around her neck before leaving the premises. "Yue!"

No. She would not turn around.

He had a wife, for fuck's sake! She had to remember that. A son too, and here she was, shagging him like a homewrecker. Like some common whore, thirsty for a love she lost a long time ago. Furthermore, she knew that this wouldn't end well, no situation like this ever did, the consequences would catch up to them, maybe not right now, but soon.

When she reached the Tao palace, she breathed out her relief, climbing the stairs and walking the familiar hallways, as if this was always her home and not some place she was once banished from.

How did this even start? She knew where the beginning was, what tied them together, but how did it end up like this?

Distant memories plagued her mind.

...

Those golden eyes, albeit younger, colder, harpooning through her like he could see her very soul. A glimpse was all it took for her to feel her heart racing impossibly fast whenever he would be around. As a servant, part of a family that devoted their lives to do the Tao's deeds, well, you had to be invisible, unnoticeable. And shit, she tried so hard to be only a wallflower.

"Pardon me, Master Ren, I did not know you were using the training room," -that's how it all began, how their destinies intertwined. Her, only eleven, and him, just ten. It wasn't like they hadn't seen each other before, but it was the first time they had been in such close quarters and alone. She always believed she was...lackluster, someone not worthy of being seen and definitely not worthy of being remembered.

He noticed her, though. He always said it was stupid to think nobody could, what with her long white hair, like a blizzard, and her frozen wintery gaze that could make even the bravest of men shiver in anticipation. Like a hail storm, he often compared her to. One year older than him, Ren always found it frustrating how she always brushed him off with the simple excuse of him being younger, that he wasn't mature enough to think about such things as marriage or queenship. Stubbornly, he never listened.

"Who do you think I am? Don't tell me what to do, it's none of your business,"

That night, when he turned thirteen and boldly spoke of winning the Shaman Tournament and becoming king, he promised her with a passion she had never seen before, that she would be his queen. "There is no other," he had said, and she believed it. Though he was never an affectionate person, he did find ways to let her know he did care for her, in his own way. Sometimes these attentions could become overwhelming, like being gifted a horse, or sharing his batch of milk with her on the rooftop when they would stargaze together, down to intricate hair pins or meals.

Their first kiss had been under that old tree in the royal gardens, when he grabbed a lock of her hair and yanked her into a sloppy, yet meaningful peck of their lips. She could positively say that her heart was going to burst out of her chest under the secretive light of the moon.

But it wasn't just his attention that she was unintentionally capturing.

At one point, after another boy, albeit older than Yue, had shown interest in her, Ren demanded that she wear her hair tied up, because it would make all aware of her 'taken' status, and continued with the order to 'cease looking at males in that way' -what way, she did not know, not even to this day, but he was very serious about it at that time.

When the boy, coming from a lower branch of the Tao family, grasped her hand and asked her the honor of letting him court her, Ren was utterly furious -"Don't start blushing because he flirted with you!" he had heatedly accused, golden eyes wild and kwan dao grasped tightly in his hand "If you ever let down your guard with another man again, it's off to prison!"

He had beaten the boy to an inch of death, having challenged him to a match afterwards.

"You're my woman!" -he had roared at her when she came to confront him, as word spread like wildfire of the young master's deed "Shut up and let me protect your honor!"

That made her blush hotly.

Honestly, his possessive behavior was somewhat worrying, if not maddening sometimes. Quietly, she would comply, until his family began taking notice of his interest in that little servant girl. While it wasn't a shame for a lower branch to marry into the main branch, Yue was none of those, her family reduced to the lowly rank of just auxiliary staff, soldiers, cannon fodder, if you will. It didn't mean she was useless or weak. In fact, because her family were the carers of weapons, the silverette had grown to love the idea of a warrior's path. She learned the art of handling the Emei, Jian and Liuxingchui, which were all hard to practice and master, without the guidance of someone experienced. Regardless of that, she was most known for her proficient use of the Lujiao Dao, which she often wielded whenever Ren would wish to spar her and test her skills, as he would put it -because his future queen had to be strong, not just sit pretty on the throne. Needless to add, he did not see her only for her appearance, but for her skill and prowess as well. Her status never stopped her from becoming a shaman, either, nor did it pull her down when she dreamed of becoming a great warrior one day.

What truly pulled her down was her infatuation with the young master and his equal burning interest in her.

Without the young man's knowledge, Tao Yúan, head of the family, summoned her in his quarters. Nobody knew what happened, but Yue was gone by morning, banished from China and her family relocated to Japan. The rumor was that she left of her own volition, that her path took her to the ancient temples of monks that could truly hone her strength and shape her potential.

Ren was livid when the news had reached him a day later, just as he had built the courage to make his intentions known to his family, ask them to allow her to become his fiancee -after all, it wasn't unheard of for two of their age to be engaged so young. He searched for her relentlessly, asked questions, boldly stood up to his father for the first time in his life -only to be beaten to a pulp and taught a lesson about obedience. Nobody told him the truth, nobody spoke about it ever again.

And he swore he would find her and look her in the eyes again.

But then he met Yoh Asakura, then he became distracted, his whole life changed, his beliefs crumpled, his purpose took a different form, his goals shifted and he escaped the road his family had set in stone for him. He went on to become a great head of the Tao family, made his own company from nothing and built a family with Jeanne after meeting her in Europe.

Her eyes faded from his mind with time, until they became just a distant memory.

my first fanfic in this fandom. leave reviews if you liked it or not. i like complicated relationships, so there you go.

posted on archive of our own as well, under the same title.