Keeping Faith - 5x16 Coda
(spoiler warning for "Dark Side of the Moon")
The question has been "why?" or maybe "what?"
Why would they do it. What could possibly be enough to make them, either of them, give in. What could ever be enough to make it worth the cost. How much would they have to change to give that answer. To say yes when everything they have lived for until now says to say no.
Lucifer had said six months.
He'd been sure.
And now Sam understands why. He understands what this thing is that's going make it happen.
The amulet is cold as he reaches down to pick it up. It feels small and fragile in his hand, the old leather band cracked in places, dried out and worn down by a lifetime of holding up a weight far greater than the small pewter figurine.
Today he saw an angel lose faith in God.
Today he saw his brother loose faith in him.
Holding that small bit of metal he can see the future, just a flash for just a moment. Not a vision, just a detached sort of realization. Why.
Dean's going to give in. Because he has nothing left... because Sam has helped to strip away the only threads holding his brother together, because for all the talk about saving people and all the penance they might feel they owe, this stupid bit of string and pewter is what its really about. Its not heaven or hell using them against each other that's going to break them, not when they can hurt each other so much deeper than that all by themselves.
Sam hasn't had much faith in himself in a long time, but he's had hope. That he can be forgiven one day. That he can be trusted again. That he can repair this thing he's broken between them. But after today he wonders if maybe its not fixable. Maybe its really shattered too far to ever be put back together again. Maybe his good intentions are just paving their way back to hell all over again.
Without Dean to believe in him Sam knows its only a matter of time. It had taken 30 years in hell for his brother to take up a weapon and cross that line. It had taken Sam less than a day. Ruby had offered him revenge and he hadn't even hesitated. Because without Dean there to think he's worth something... worth saving.... he knows deep down he's not. And without that...
He wants the lives of millions to be worth something. He wants to see those people and think they're important. Important enough without any other reason than because they matter. He wants to want to save everyone... He wants to believe what they are doing is right.
Sometimes he does.
Others...
He turns the small figurine over in his hands, tracing the worn features for a moment. It seems funny, that he sees it every day but somehow he's actually forgotten what it looks like. It has always just been a part of Dean... so wrapped up in his brother's identity that he hasn't really noticed it except for when it's missing.
Probably, they're going to fail.
Dean's broken and Sam doesn't know how to fix him. Sam's been holding on to this cliff with his fingernails for so long that he's forgotten its hard, forgotten it hurts, and he knows that today his grip has slipped a little further and someday very soon getting back out of this isn't going to be the concern anymore.
Its the end of the world, and they're probably going to fail to stop the goddamn apocalypse and he's never believed he was strong enough, but he's always believed that Dean was. And as broken and beaten as his brother is Sam still believes in him. Has to believe in him.
Its all they have left.
He tucks the amulet into his pocket and picks up his bags. They need to keep moving. He has to keep Dean going. Because they can still do this. Dean can do this, and if he has to carry his brother until then he will.
Lucifer said six months.
Maybe he's right, but until that final nail severs them Sam knows he'll keep digging in and holding on and believing that its possible. Because he has to. Because his brother needs him to. Because someone has to still have faith in something.
He knows why he will give in now. He knows why Dean will give in.
But the amulet is a cold sliver of hope digging into his hip and even that tiny bit is enough to keep going. Dean may have thrown it away, but Sam isn't ready yet to let it go.
Author's Notes:
-Apologies to anyone that read the first posting of this - I uploaded the unedited version by accident. Good reasons not to post things that at 2am.
I am so late to the game with SPN. I find it overwhelmingly tragic that I missed out on this until recently, its so much my kind of crazy that its not fair I didn't stumble into it until this year.
Anyway, 'Dark Side of the Moon' made me feel all beaten up even if it did open a wormhole of plot bunnies (no! Go sit the in the corner!) I need some cheery funny evil now please.