DISCLAIMER: I disclaim everything.
For the sake of clarity, a line of ~*~*~*~*~ etc. means either start/end flashback or change of scene. I'll try not to make it hard to understand.
** A Letter from Lily ** Chapter One – Tearing down what we build
James. For a moment, I could almost have looked at you as if you'd cared. There were tears streaming down my cheeks mixing with blood, one and the same. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. All the time I felt the eternal struggle within my broken heart, my anguish clouding anything I had ever felt for you. Or perhaps my anguish and my love, like my blood and tears, were to each other akin. It could have been the other way around. You could have changed it. But as I fought my losing battle alone, each step of the way, you were never there.
It took me two long years to discover that I had feelings for you. For what seemed like a complete different life before that, I'd gone through the world with you by my side as my loyal companion. Two long years in the making, and an eternity of agony was to be my reward.
I tried to hate you, James Potter. Every moment I spent drowning in my own sorrows, watching you go about your life and leave me behind, I tried to imagine that I was the valiant soldier and you were nothing but a heartless bastard who was intent on driving me to my death. But now I realise I was wrong. Now, when it is too late, when I have fallen beyond salvation and you beyond my grasp. I could only hate myself – you had too strong a place in my heart. And so I drove myself to my own death.
I hope my death changed something for you James. I hope you know now that I'd loved you even through everything you did, and I still love you now.
I hope that one day you'll come back for me, when you see that this world and its people are nothing but lies.
Love always,
Lily.
****************************
James folded up the letter and slipped it back into his pocket, wiping away threatening tears.
His and Lily's friendship, the budding relationship, the fight that split them, Lily's death… it had all happened so long ago. But every year since then, on the anniversary of her death, he read her letter, returned to where her blood was still stained on the concrete ground beneath the window. And each time he felt as though there was unfinished business for him, as though he owed something to her dead soul. Perhaps even now, it wasn't over.
A tear had slid out from under James' eyelid. He let it roll down his cheek, closing his eyes and thinking back to that other life, remembering…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The lights on the ceiling of the Great Hall were flashing neon, bathing the students in shades of green and red and blue. The wizard band, Drunken Phoenix, struck up a slow waltz and suddenly the lights dimmed.
'C'mon Lils!' called James. He dragged her onto the dance floor.
Lily giggled as they waltzed slowly to the music, weaving around other couples. She gave James a little peck on the cheek, causing him to go red.
'Hee hee… you're cute Jamesie.'
'Lily…' He felt the familiar prickle that he felt every time she told him that she loved him. He'd often thought she was joking but the more she said it, the more afraid he became that she was actually serious.
They danced in silence for some time, as though a dark cloud had settled on the evening. Lily felt as though there was an anvil on her heart.
When the song was over, she took James by the arm and dragged him outside.
'Come on, let's go for a walk. I want to talk to you.'
Outside the night air chilled their skin. There was a gentle buzzing of insects spiralling up towards the distant moon. Lily sat James under a tree where she put her arm gently around him, resting her head on his shoulder.
'James, you… you know that we've been friends for some time now…'
'…'
'Well, I – since then I've felt like… I dunno… like I needed something more than that. Like…' She looked at him, obviously struggling with her words.
'Spit it out.'
'…I – I've told you that I … oh to hell with the preliminaries! I love you James, and I wanna know if you… what you feel.'
James looked away in despair. He'd been afraid this was coming, and he didn't know how to let her down gently.
There was a very long silence.
'Er… James?'
'Lily, I can't say it. I don't … I'm sorry, I just can't make myself love you.'
Another very long silence. Then Lily got up and made to get away, but James grabbed her arm. With obvious effort, she turned back around to face him. The starlight reflected the tears shining against her cheeks and for a moment he wanted to take back what he had said.
'I'm not angry at you James. Believe me.' She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and turned away. 'I just need some time alone.'
James sank to his knees and watched her go. A dark cloud passed over the moon and in that instant he feared the future.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The classroom was crowded and noisy. James slunk in just moments before Professor Chuckles arrived for their Charms lesson. He sat at the table beside Lily.
'Heya, Lils.' She did not look up. 'Um, Lily? Lily, I'm sorry about Friday. I'm sorry, okay?!' But she refused to acknowledge his presence. In truth she wanted to speak to him, but her heart told her that maybe it was better to suffer in silence.
'Lily! Please talk to me!'
'Mr. Potter!' called Chuckles. James stared down morbidly at his desk.
That evening at dinner James flipped his beef steak back and forth across his plate, looking only vaguely interested in it. Peter, Sirius and Remus were extremely worried.
'James? What's up? We noticed you haven't been talking to Lily lately, have you two had a fight or something?' He *chucked a Lily* [AN: that's a phrase, don't take it literally!!] and didn't answer. Finally after much poking and prodding he mumbled, 'It's nothing guys, just leave me alone. I'll be fine.' But they knew instantly that it was more than that.
In the following weeks, Lily avoided James and James avoided Lily. Secretly she had been hoping that he would miss her and find out that he actually liked her, but over time she had come to abandon this ideal and quickly the silence between them grew colder.
One day James was walking back to the common room to grab something from the dormitory before dinner. He passed Sirius in the hallway.
'Dude! It's Remus' night tonight, you gonna be there?'
'Sure man, meet ya there at six.' James grinned and turned around and was surprised to find himself face to face with Lily.
'James we need to talk.'
He paused and stared down at her.
'Look, I'm sorry if I've been acting weirdly lately. It's just… there are things we need to talk about.'
'So…?'
'So I was wondering if – maybe we could go out sometime tonight, have a bit of a chat? I don't want to lose our friendship James. Please.'
'Tonight? I … oh no…' James bit his tongue. Lily would get all pissy if he rejected her again, but he knew he needed to look out for Remus that evening. 'Lily I'm sorry I didn't plan this but I've got an appointment tonight. Honest.'
Lily stared at him. Her face started to grow angry. 'Don't lie to me James.'
'I'm not! I'm just…' But he had to stop, because he knew she didn't know about Remus being a werewolf and it probably wouldn't be wise to tell her. 'I've just got to… look after a friend. Believe me!'
'I'm not stupid James,' snapped Lily with tears in her eyes. 'This is the second time you've rejected me and it's no coincidence. You're seeing someone aren't you?'
'NO!'
He wanted to convince her it was the truth, but how could he without *telling* her the truth?
'—I don't want to hear it! I'm – I'm finished with you!' She ran off sobbing hysterically, and James had a creepy inkling of a deja vu.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The morning after their confrontation, James sat nervously in History of Magic glancing around. Students slowly trickled in and Professor Binns shut the door. There was no sign of Lily.
'Have you seen Lily today?' he asked Susan Carey who was sitting behind him.
'Nuh-uh. You know what, she wasn't even in the dorm this morning! Man, I heard she was in the toilets doing drugs or some other sh—er I mean stuff.'
Drugs? thought James, confused. Lily's never done drugs! He stood up quickly and walked out of the classroom. Professor Binns didn't seem to even notice him. He skirted rapidly down the corridors, heading straight for Moaning Myrtle's toilets. Just outside the door he could hear very clear, quiet sobs. He pushed the door open and went in.
'Lily? Lily I know you're in here. Come out.'
'James you pervert! Get out of here! And leave me alone!'
'No. Lily I wasn't lying about last night. I seriously had something important to do—'
'Something that was more important than our friendship?'
He sighed. It was harsh but true.
'Look, all I want to say is I'm sorry. Okay? What more can you expect of me?'
'James please! Go away! I'm not angry but… but if you go on like this I won't be able to stop it. You know my problem. I just can't stay around you anymore, okay? You've rejected me twice. Please, leave me alone. I can't take it. I'll deal with this alone.'
'Lily…'
'Please.'
He turned around and walked out, silently closing the door behind him. Lily's behaviour was a complete puzzle to him, but he supposed that it was the crazy influence of love. Thank goodness he wasn't IN love. But he knew he had just lost a friend and a very big part of himself.
****************************
AN: Hmm. Not too good but not bad either, if I may say so myself. Just a product of my depressed mind. I'll finish this later. Please review for me, say whatever you like, I don't mind.
Smoky
For the sake of clarity, a line of ~*~*~*~*~ etc. means either start/end flashback or change of scene. I'll try not to make it hard to understand.
** A Letter from Lily ** Chapter One – Tearing down what we build
James. For a moment, I could almost have looked at you as if you'd cared. There were tears streaming down my cheeks mixing with blood, one and the same. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. All the time I felt the eternal struggle within my broken heart, my anguish clouding anything I had ever felt for you. Or perhaps my anguish and my love, like my blood and tears, were to each other akin. It could have been the other way around. You could have changed it. But as I fought my losing battle alone, each step of the way, you were never there.
It took me two long years to discover that I had feelings for you. For what seemed like a complete different life before that, I'd gone through the world with you by my side as my loyal companion. Two long years in the making, and an eternity of agony was to be my reward.
I tried to hate you, James Potter. Every moment I spent drowning in my own sorrows, watching you go about your life and leave me behind, I tried to imagine that I was the valiant soldier and you were nothing but a heartless bastard who was intent on driving me to my death. But now I realise I was wrong. Now, when it is too late, when I have fallen beyond salvation and you beyond my grasp. I could only hate myself – you had too strong a place in my heart. And so I drove myself to my own death.
I hope my death changed something for you James. I hope you know now that I'd loved you even through everything you did, and I still love you now.
I hope that one day you'll come back for me, when you see that this world and its people are nothing but lies.
Love always,
Lily.
****************************
James folded up the letter and slipped it back into his pocket, wiping away threatening tears.
His and Lily's friendship, the budding relationship, the fight that split them, Lily's death… it had all happened so long ago. But every year since then, on the anniversary of her death, he read her letter, returned to where her blood was still stained on the concrete ground beneath the window. And each time he felt as though there was unfinished business for him, as though he owed something to her dead soul. Perhaps even now, it wasn't over.
A tear had slid out from under James' eyelid. He let it roll down his cheek, closing his eyes and thinking back to that other life, remembering…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The lights on the ceiling of the Great Hall were flashing neon, bathing the students in shades of green and red and blue. The wizard band, Drunken Phoenix, struck up a slow waltz and suddenly the lights dimmed.
'C'mon Lils!' called James. He dragged her onto the dance floor.
Lily giggled as they waltzed slowly to the music, weaving around other couples. She gave James a little peck on the cheek, causing him to go red.
'Hee hee… you're cute Jamesie.'
'Lily…' He felt the familiar prickle that he felt every time she told him that she loved him. He'd often thought she was joking but the more she said it, the more afraid he became that she was actually serious.
They danced in silence for some time, as though a dark cloud had settled on the evening. Lily felt as though there was an anvil on her heart.
When the song was over, she took James by the arm and dragged him outside.
'Come on, let's go for a walk. I want to talk to you.'
Outside the night air chilled their skin. There was a gentle buzzing of insects spiralling up towards the distant moon. Lily sat James under a tree where she put her arm gently around him, resting her head on his shoulder.
'James, you… you know that we've been friends for some time now…'
'…'
'Well, I – since then I've felt like… I dunno… like I needed something more than that. Like…' She looked at him, obviously struggling with her words.
'Spit it out.'
'…I – I've told you that I … oh to hell with the preliminaries! I love you James, and I wanna know if you… what you feel.'
James looked away in despair. He'd been afraid this was coming, and he didn't know how to let her down gently.
There was a very long silence.
'Er… James?'
'Lily, I can't say it. I don't … I'm sorry, I just can't make myself love you.'
Another very long silence. Then Lily got up and made to get away, but James grabbed her arm. With obvious effort, she turned back around to face him. The starlight reflected the tears shining against her cheeks and for a moment he wanted to take back what he had said.
'I'm not angry at you James. Believe me.' She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and turned away. 'I just need some time alone.'
James sank to his knees and watched her go. A dark cloud passed over the moon and in that instant he feared the future.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The classroom was crowded and noisy. James slunk in just moments before Professor Chuckles arrived for their Charms lesson. He sat at the table beside Lily.
'Heya, Lils.' She did not look up. 'Um, Lily? Lily, I'm sorry about Friday. I'm sorry, okay?!' But she refused to acknowledge his presence. In truth she wanted to speak to him, but her heart told her that maybe it was better to suffer in silence.
'Lily! Please talk to me!'
'Mr. Potter!' called Chuckles. James stared down morbidly at his desk.
That evening at dinner James flipped his beef steak back and forth across his plate, looking only vaguely interested in it. Peter, Sirius and Remus were extremely worried.
'James? What's up? We noticed you haven't been talking to Lily lately, have you two had a fight or something?' He *chucked a Lily* [AN: that's a phrase, don't take it literally!!] and didn't answer. Finally after much poking and prodding he mumbled, 'It's nothing guys, just leave me alone. I'll be fine.' But they knew instantly that it was more than that.
In the following weeks, Lily avoided James and James avoided Lily. Secretly she had been hoping that he would miss her and find out that he actually liked her, but over time she had come to abandon this ideal and quickly the silence between them grew colder.
One day James was walking back to the common room to grab something from the dormitory before dinner. He passed Sirius in the hallway.
'Dude! It's Remus' night tonight, you gonna be there?'
'Sure man, meet ya there at six.' James grinned and turned around and was surprised to find himself face to face with Lily.
'James we need to talk.'
He paused and stared down at her.
'Look, I'm sorry if I've been acting weirdly lately. It's just… there are things we need to talk about.'
'So…?'
'So I was wondering if – maybe we could go out sometime tonight, have a bit of a chat? I don't want to lose our friendship James. Please.'
'Tonight? I … oh no…' James bit his tongue. Lily would get all pissy if he rejected her again, but he knew he needed to look out for Remus that evening. 'Lily I'm sorry I didn't plan this but I've got an appointment tonight. Honest.'
Lily stared at him. Her face started to grow angry. 'Don't lie to me James.'
'I'm not! I'm just…' But he had to stop, because he knew she didn't know about Remus being a werewolf and it probably wouldn't be wise to tell her. 'I've just got to… look after a friend. Believe me!'
'I'm not stupid James,' snapped Lily with tears in her eyes. 'This is the second time you've rejected me and it's no coincidence. You're seeing someone aren't you?'
'NO!'
He wanted to convince her it was the truth, but how could he without *telling* her the truth?
'—I don't want to hear it! I'm – I'm finished with you!' She ran off sobbing hysterically, and James had a creepy inkling of a deja vu.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The morning after their confrontation, James sat nervously in History of Magic glancing around. Students slowly trickled in and Professor Binns shut the door. There was no sign of Lily.
'Have you seen Lily today?' he asked Susan Carey who was sitting behind him.
'Nuh-uh. You know what, she wasn't even in the dorm this morning! Man, I heard she was in the toilets doing drugs or some other sh—er I mean stuff.'
Drugs? thought James, confused. Lily's never done drugs! He stood up quickly and walked out of the classroom. Professor Binns didn't seem to even notice him. He skirted rapidly down the corridors, heading straight for Moaning Myrtle's toilets. Just outside the door he could hear very clear, quiet sobs. He pushed the door open and went in.
'Lily? Lily I know you're in here. Come out.'
'James you pervert! Get out of here! And leave me alone!'
'No. Lily I wasn't lying about last night. I seriously had something important to do—'
'Something that was more important than our friendship?'
He sighed. It was harsh but true.
'Look, all I want to say is I'm sorry. Okay? What more can you expect of me?'
'James please! Go away! I'm not angry but… but if you go on like this I won't be able to stop it. You know my problem. I just can't stay around you anymore, okay? You've rejected me twice. Please, leave me alone. I can't take it. I'll deal with this alone.'
'Lily…'
'Please.'
He turned around and walked out, silently closing the door behind him. Lily's behaviour was a complete puzzle to him, but he supposed that it was the crazy influence of love. Thank goodness he wasn't IN love. But he knew he had just lost a friend and a very big part of himself.
****************************
AN: Hmm. Not too good but not bad either, if I may say so myself. Just a product of my depressed mind. I'll finish this later. Please review for me, say whatever you like, I don't mind.
Smoky