BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED, OR, THE THING IN THE BOX
Spock opened his eyes, disturbed from his meditation. Normally, he was quite...well, if he were human, the emotion would be proud, but since he wasn't and had no emotions...of his ears and his ability to hear. But on this occasion, he suddenly wished he had no ears at all.
The noise from the next cabin was now deafening, at least to him
Thump! - as feet hit the floor. A few muttered hasty words. A naked body quickly dressing. Zips and velcro were never silent. A few more words. Then, the swish of the door.
The captain had obviously found yet another excuse to leave the his ladyfriend.
Spock frowned. What did humans call this behaviour? Oh yes, that's right. Wham, bam, thankyou ma'am.
Spock had a theory that while this was typical of James T. Kirk, it was not typical of all human males. But this theory still had to be tested, and the one time he had asked Dr McCoy to confirm it, the doctor had given him a strange look.
The sound of glass shattering broke Spock's reverie. It came from Jim's cabin. There was no question about it. He would have to go in there.
It was only as Spock opened Kirk's access door to their alcove that he hesitated. Who would he find in there? And would she be embarrassed? His concern took over. Broken glass was a danger to life that overrode embarrassment.
Ahh, what logic!
He opened the door. To confront.....
"Well Spock?" Kirk glowered at him. He stood there, naked, the remains of a glass vase he had thrown littering the floor.
I heard-" Spock began.
"I'll just bet you did, with those big ears of yours!" Then he saw the Vulcan stiffen, and relented. "I'm sorry, Spock. It's just that..." He shrugged. "Never mind."
Spock raised an eyebrow. "If I can be of assistance, captain," he offered.
Kirk was about to make a coarse joke, but stopped himself. He coloured a little. "I don't suppose you could take....no, forget it."
"If you have a problem, I may be able to offer a solution. As you were saying?"
Kirk threw caution to the winds. "You know we have the Klingon ambassador aboard."
"Valdaan. Yes captain."
"She's a very...influential woman."
"Yes, an Imperial Klingon and near relative to the Emperor I believe." Spock wondered where this was leading and what it had to do with Kirk's extracurricular activities.
"Well, it's a case of, whatever she wants, she gets."
"Yes captain. So I believe."
Kirk swallowed. "She..er..wanted me."
"Yes captain."
"Is that all you can say, Spock?"
"At the moment, I have no further information, so more comment would be unprofitable."
"She's not very pleased with me, Spock."
"Why is that captain?"
Kirk grimaced. Would he have to spell it out? He glanced at the Vulcan's impassive face and saw that he would.
"I..er...couldn't."
"Couldn't what, sir?"
"Dammit Spock, can't you guess? I disappointed the lady." He eyed the rumpled bed. "We were getting along fine, and they all of a sudden, I...couldn't. I just lost interest." He shook his head in disgust. "I wonder if it's medical?"
"What makes you think that?"
"I..I just haven't been interested for a while. Oh, my immediate reaction is yes, I want to. And then, well, I can't." He stepped gingerly over the glass, considering his predicament. "Spock, do you think perhaps you could..."
"Captain, are you suggesting that I take the ambassador as a lover to compensate for you?"
Kirk looked down, noticed his still naked torso, and turned away to seek clothing.
"In the Empire, that's apparently how they judge the worth of a ship. By its senior officers."
"If it is a matter of that, then I am not the only officer. Surely Dr McCoy or Mr Scott would be willing-"
"Been there, done that."
"But the lady has only been on board for 18 hours!" Spock could not keep the incredulity out of his voice. McCoy, Scott, Kirk, and now...
"I know." Kirk broke into his thoughts. "Apparently the only reason I wasn't first is that I've been on duty." Donning his uniform pants, he felt a little more confident. "So how about it, Spock. It's for the Enterprise, after all."
"I feel I must remind you that-"
"If it's this once every seven years business, well it may go over with Christine Chapel, but it doesn't wash with me. I know you can if you want to. Remember when I found you and-"
"All too well captain, but you didn't let me finish my statement. For me to indulge in the sex act, my partner must be of certain species for me to function. Valdaan, while I'm sure is an attractive woman to her own kind, is neither human nor Vulcan, and therefore-"
"I get it. She's not your type." Kirk sighed. She's not really my type either. I like to run my hands through their hair. And when they've got those bumps, and they've been waxed-"
"She waxes her bumps?" Spock boggled, as much as a Vulcan could.
Kirk nodded. "Just like the Deltans wax their heads. Something to do with the atmosphere, I think. Anyway, that's beside the point. If you can't..er..rise to the occasion, I'll have to give it another go. Maybe she won't walk out this time."
"Perhaps you are suffering from overwork, captain?"
Kirk shrugged. "It's only happened recently. The past couple of weeks." He donned his shirt, considering the implications of his problem. "Bloody hell!" he swore. "If only it didn't happen with Valdaan. More than my pride's at stake. This new trade agreement could be jeopardized if she doesn't think the Federation measures up. And unfortunately, we're the only Federation reps around."
"Perhaps the ambassador will be satisfied with Mr Scott and Dr McCoy?"
Kirk shook his head. "No, it has to be me. I'm the highest ranking officer, so..... Look Spock, you couldn't close your eyes and think of the Federation, or something, could you?"
"That would be illogical, sir. I would still be aware of whom I was-"
"Yes, yes, all right." Kirk's immediate concern for himself had subsided. "Maybe Bones could fix me up with something...No, the fewer people know the better."
Spock considered the problem for a moment. Then he disappeared into his cabin and returned with a box.
"What's in the box, Spock? A magical sex restorer?" Kirk was on his hands and knees, picking up the larger fragments of broken glass.
Spock wondered how to phrase it. "Yes, captain."
Kirk straightened. "Pardon?"
Spock opened the box. "I bought it on Wrigley's. At the time I believed it was a sculpture. But on closer inspection I found that it was a-"
"I can see what it is, Spock," Kirk said loudly. And even managed a grin. "How could you possibly imagine it was a sculpture?"
"It was standing upright in the window of the shop at the time."
"Oh well, I suppose if you stand it up, it does look kinda like one." Kirk took the box and peered closer. "Do you plug it into the wall?"
"Negative, it is battery operated."
Kirk frowned. "It says here 'batteries not included'. Will it take our batteries. Oh , you've probably all ready adjusted it, right?"
"Negative. What use would I have for it?"
Kirk stared at the Vulcan. "I have no idea, Mr Spock. I gave up some time ago trying to fathom the habits of Vulcans. Anyway, I'll give it a go. I'll have to. Can you adjust it to take our batteries?"
"I believe so. I shall take it down to Engineering and-"
"I think you'd best do it in your cabin. You'd get a lot of funny comments carrying that around the ship. And a couple of propositions."
"I see the problem, captain. I shall work in my cabin." Spock turned on his heel and departed.
Kirk rolled his eyes. Talking to a Vulcan was both easier than discussing the problem with a human, and yet more exasperating. Why couldn't Vulcans understand innuendo?
It took some convincing, but finally Valdaan returned to his cabin. Being an ambassador, and therefore tactful, she refrained from uttering some of the many comments that sprang to mind. Instead, she contented herself with: "This had better be worth it. Not that any of you are a match for a Klingon!"
How gracious!
Kirk winced inside, but outwardly he put on his Charming Kirk grin Number 12, and advanced. He ran his hands lightly over her body, feeling her nipples spring erect beneath her dress. He made to put his arms around her when she moved away.
"You plan for us to have sex?" she asked bluntly.
Kirk swallowed. "Er, yes, eventually."
"Then let us get into bed." So saying, she undid the front of her dress and shrugged it to the floor. Then she bent down to unzip her boots.
Kirk watched in silence. One of his greatest pleasures had been spoilt. He enjoyed undressing a woman. Then shrugging mentally, took off his own clothes, privately praying that Valdaan's abrupt manner wouldn't destroy his new found enthusiasm.
Valdaan inched her way out of her body armour, which seemed to pass for underwear in the Empire, and stood naked before him.
Kirk made to advance again, but she slipped past him and slid into his bed. He got in beside her.
"We will begin," Valdaan said.
Kirk did so.
Spock wished he were anywhere else besides his cabin. He could not help but hear the moans and grunts that Kirk uttered, nor the high-pitched squeals that Valdaan let out, about once every ten seconds.
At least it proved that Kirk was functioning again. Spock's solution had worked. He considered recommending it to McCoy and Scotty. Both men were looking considerably worse for wear ever since they had left the Klingon Neutral Zone for Vulcan. Come to think of it, so were Sulu and Dr M'Benga, and...
Spock put the thoughts from his mind, refusing to acknowledge what the apparant hobby of the Klingon ambassador was.
Kirk and Valdaan lay still entangled in each other. Kirk was just drifting off to sleep when Valdaan moved, looking under the bed for her discarded boots. Kirk moved to stop her, but it was too late. She's found the box.
"What is this? Oh, I see."
Kirk tried desperately to think of the words to explain, but found he didn't have to.
"My first lover had something like this. Not the same shape of course."
"Then, you don't mind?" Kirk's voice was small.
"Why should I? You are obviously concerned with satisfying your women. This is a good thing."
Kirk relaxed. If it was the done thing in the Klingon Empire, who was he to question it. He closed his eyes and let his mind reach for slumber.
Valdaan lay still until she was sure he was asleep. Then, getting up quietly, she donned her clothes, and carrying her armour(it took too long and made too much noise to put it back on) she crept from the room.
If she remembered rightly, the First Officer's quarters were not far away. Aahh, there they were. Remembering her lessons in etiquette and the novel concept of privacy, she knocked on the door.
"Come," said Spock's even voice.
Fortunately, the door opened automatically. If it had been manual, she wouldn't have had a hand to spare. Not with carrying her armour in one arm and the box from under Kirk's bed in the other.
Spock, having given up on sleep or meditation, sat at his computer terminal. A brief look of confusion crossed his face. Wasn't she supposed to be with Kirk? His eyes rested on the box.
Valdaan dropped her armour, and moved forward. "I don't believe I've had the pleasure of..meeting you yet," she breathed.
"Madam," Spock said, standing hastily. "Please, put that thing down. I am a Vulcan. I do not indulge in casual couplings, however beneficial to the Federation."
Still she advanced, suddenly tossing the box away and turning the device on. It hummed contently.
"Madam..er..Valdaan, I must warn you, that device has a very bizarre effect on Vulcans..."
Kirk stirred in his sleep. After so much activity, he was dead tired. In the halfway state between dreaming and waking, he thought he heard an unearthly howl nearby. But put it down to a flicker of dream, and dozed off again.
"Captain's Log Stardate 8701.15. We have now delivered Ambassador Valdaan to Vulcan, where she will attend the Vulcan Academy for a short while, perfecting her Galacta-speak, and also some of the more difficult tongues of the Federation. We have taken on supplies at Vulcan before continuing on our way. At the moment Mr Spock is planetside, visiting his parents and showing Valdaan around. Lately, Valdaan has taken to my First Officer." Kirk paused, wondering why. Oh well, at least I finally gave the Enterprise the reputation it deserves. He made to go on, but noticed that Janice Rand was signalling him. He hit the 'Pause' button on his chair.
"Yes Yeoman?"
"Captain, there's some paperwork I'd like you to look over, if you're not busy. I've relayed it your cabin computer."
Kirk logged off and, giving Uhura the con, followed Rand down to his cabin. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, once again appreciating her body. Perhaps, just this once, he'd ignore the rule book and make a pass at her. After all, he was his old self again, or almost. And how much longer could they go on denying the chemistry between them?
Spock was recalled to the ship. McCoy met him at the transporter.
"You'll have to take over the ship for a while,Spock."
"The captain?"
"Jim's okay, or will be in a few days."
"What happened?"
To answer his question, McCoy escorted the Vulcan to Sickbay. Spock gazed at the bed containing a sedated Janice Rand, then turned his attention to Jim Kirk in the other bed.
"Janice called me to his cabin." McCoy reached behind his desk and pulled out the oh-so-familiar box. "This is what did it," he said, pointing.
"How is that possible, Doctor. I engineered it myself."
McCoy closed his eyes for a moment. "No. I'm not even going to ask. There's been enough wierdness lately to sink a ship. Well anyway, apparently Janice found it and asked how it worked. And Jim showed her."
Spock took the device out of the box and examined it. He flipped it open to inspect the insides.
"Here is the problem Doctor. This is designed to take 6 volt batteries. The captain must have issued new batteries from stores recently. Vulcan batteries."
"So?"
"Most Vulcan batteries are 12 volts-"
McCoy saw the problem. "Ahhh."
"Is the captain injured?" Spock prodded.
"Nah. Just a little...overexcited that's all. And Janice got hysterical. I had to give her a shot. She'll be up and around soon. Jim may take a bit longer."
"Oh?"
"Yeah." McCoy couldn't stop his grin. "It'll take me a week to wipe the smile off his face."
***** *****