Listen to What's in the Heart of a Child Chapter 1, a spring awakening fanfic

1891 September, 3rd

Hanschen, how is he? He is the only important thought running through my empty mind. My eyes, avert from the textbook laying in my lap, to the first few stars lining up in the sky. I begin to wonder as I look into the sky and if he is looking at the same thing. I know my thoughts, emotions, and thinking is abnormal for any boy, or so my parents say.

I can't wrap my mind around anyone but him, Herr Rilow. He was sly but yet… when it was just him and I he was sweeter then the sugar that I can only imagine tasting. Maybe things have changed, though. He's older now and probably more mature. Probably too much for me. Hanschen must have learned his lesson about me though, right? I can't help but think of those handsome features and his lean body and strong muscles. Honestly, I think I really loved him. Now I can't get him back. Not after the way we had split up, no, never again.

Hanschen would put on his cruel act around others but when it was just him and I. I was treated like a prince like I could do no wrongs…

Ernst put down his journal, slipping it underneath his blanket for he had to attend church that day. He sighed as he changed into his 'Sunday best' attire and headed off with Mama. All the other children stared at him like he was some type of devil. Ernst didn't really mind all the staring, but it caused his cheeks to form a shade of pink. He just held onto his Mama's hand as the two took their seats. The sermon was boring as usual. Ernst watched, wide eyed, as his classmates attended the youth group. This time, Ernst wasn't invited to go.

After a grueling hour of nonsense, the two headed back home. Ernst stayed silent for the entire walk, feeling completely ashamed. He felt like he was so out of loop. As well, nobody really wanted to play with him. They'd mumble under their breath about what he was, immoral. Ernst would usually be left out during gymnastics and nobody would even merely want to sit near him in school. It almost broke his sweet heart. As the two entered the house, he darted back up the stairs. His empty heart now craving his blonde haired more then ever.

Ernst put up his journal and his writing utensil, then quickly looked around to make sure Mama had been busy doing some type of chore before continuing again.

…when it was just he and I, it'd be perfect. Like the way he'd talk to me when it was just us. I miss Hanschen and his soft blue eyes and light blonde hair.

But, I forgot to mention, I overheard he was coming back for a vacation to see his parents. But I wonder if he's gunna attempt to see me.

Ernst's cheeks turned a red shade as he flipped on his side, positioning his journal so he could comfortably write. He couldn't help but giggle under his breath as he imagined seeing Hanschen again. But would he say?

I really do hope so. It's been so long since I've seen him and I'd do almost anything to see him again. Really, I'd give anything to see that handsome, perfect face.

He slowly shut his journal and tucked it underneath his pillow. Then washed up for bed as quickly as possible considering it was long past the time Mama expected him in bed. After writing in his journal, with long pauses to just think and reminisce about his former lover, it must have taken quite a bit of time. Ernst laid down in his bed and quickly fell asleep.

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The next day Ernst didn't have to attend school for one reason: his 'Doctor'. Ernst dreaded going to see him considering he didn't get that much done. He didn't want to discuss such private information such as Hanschen with some guy who didn't give a rats ass what happened to him, anyway. The man tended to be rude and tell Ernst how sinful his behavior was. Oh well, he wasn't trying to be a rebel thinking such things but he truly didn't care for he felt deeper feelings for Hanschen then he did anyone else in his entire life. It was difficult to explain.

He got dressed up in his school uniform: a pair of navy slacks, a white button up shirt with a navy vest over. The weather was a bit chilly, hence, he placed on his navy blazer to finish off the outfit. The redhead glared into the mirror infront of him and then sighed. He laced up his black shoes and headed down the stairs. Staring down at his shoes, he nearly stumbled down the creaky staircase. Frau Robel was standing there, with her hands against her hips waiting for her son to be ready.

Frau Robel got a good look at her son to make sure he looked tidy enough for the doctors today. Of course, she didn't want to leave behind a bad taste in his mouth. For he was the only hope of turning her son back to the little boy she once had. Not some gay boy who was frowned upon by everyone else around them. Frau still honestly believed that it was completely Hanschen's fault that made her son become his bad.

Nobody gets it, me and him are an ideal match. I don't care what anyone else thinks. Doctor Meier can't change my mind about that.

The talk went descent, Ernst stayed almost completely mute with an expectation of the 'hello' 'goodbye' deal just to seem like he could actually speak if he so chosen to. When it was over, Ernst nearly darted out of the room. That man didn't have to ask him about Hanschen, it wasn't any of his business!

"Mama! Don't make me go back," Ernst groaned as he headed down the block following beside her. He hung his head down low, feeling ashamed. Ernst's mind couldn't help but keep remembering what he said about Hanschen. Calling him those absurd names, no, he wasn't any of that. That man was wrong. Ernst was on the verge of tears despite how well he was holding it in.

"You got yourself into this and now you need this until you get better, Ernst. You don't really understand what you've gotten yourself into, young man. One day, however, you'll be grateful that I seeked help you." She smiled as Ernst, trying his best to look out for him even though she was clearly wrong. Frau Robel just didn't get it. She was too close minded and didn't care whether her son was really feeling something for Hanschen. Just as long as she was happy.

Get better? Was there something wrong was him? "M-Mama…" his voice sounded nervous, "Did I do something?" With that being said, a silence past over them. A shiver went down Ernst's spine as he realized maybe he did have something wrong with him. Maybe he did disappoint his Mama just as he feared.

When they got into the house, he ran into his room and felt hot tears. Hanschen was his only friend and had no one to talk to anymore. Ernst couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. He would ask Hanschen when he saw him. Not too much longer, hopefully, it would be until the two were reunited.