Description – Nana gets ready for a live.
Disclaimer – Nana doesn't belong to me, just in love with the first movie. The poem in the beginning is mine though.
There are words
I cannot tell anyone.
Even though they build up
Inside of my heart,
They're bubbles
That'll forever be locked inside
Of that shadow
Which is still me.
I am not stronger
Than anyone else.
Nor am I immune
To tears.
I just know…
Yes, I just know
That there is
Something waiting for me
After all
The hurt,
The higher I reach
With my bleeding fingers.
This moment has no 'next time'.
By miyamoto yui
What is a dream? What exactly is it that I am looking for? How do people know exactly where they feel 'comfortable'?
Even when I count the days, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday pass so fast in between my silence that my heart wants to burst. I know what I want to do. I know where I want to go.
But whom do I want to be?
Am I still the little girl my grandmother scolded or am I the woman that wants to surpass the man that I love?
For the moment, I cannot move forward. I am afraid to leave the girl that he loved. I cannot go back. I am afraid of being the same girl I hated before I bought my first red dress.
There is a moment of frustration.
I stand before the full-length mirror. All alone.
Everyone is waiting for me. Yes, this is the two minutes before the stage when I need to be completely by myself, even if it's a shattered reflection I see before me.
I look at my feet. I don't want to throw these shoes away even if it has dents on the sides and holes on the bottom. I've come so far with them. From the glaring white roads of my hometown to the moth-burning lights of the stage, I've stood up and walked with my head up even though my mind told me to runaway each time.
Yes, this is it.
There is a moment of fear.
Eye to eye, I watch my face again. I cannot cry for the things that have been embedded into my heart. This face has seen too many things. I wish I could forget.
But whenever I die within my moment of fear, my life flashes before my eyes.
And then I have to wrap myself with my coat and go out to the stage with these experiences.
I close the door, wanting almost to leave everything behind. I know what I must do, but every time I do it, it doesn't become easier…
I just know she's waiting for me…
That's why she won't come to see me back stage…
Click.
I lean on the door and everyone's walking before me.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
The lights go on and I take hold of the mic.
The things I could not say to anyone before, I must wear them out for you to see. The millions of eyes watch me so carefully, analyzing me in ways I do not want to know. And yet they are here, loving this person that is 'me'.
Exposing
the dirtiness…
the purity…
the unsaid and said…
the strength with all my vulnerability…
I wear them all on my clothes, my face, my blood. They come out, pulsating through my voice.
I begin to sing.
This is my moment of excitement and rage.
I lean forward and shake my head. Shivers go through my whole body.
I am angry at myself for only having my voice. I thank him for giving me the voice that I have. I am happy for Hachi believing that I will always give my all. I am frustrated that my voice is still not enough for me to be satisfied with.
There is a moment of 'life'.
I feel alive.
All the emotions I've kept behind the dam of pride come out. These people know what I am saying from the bottom of my heart. I do not want to tell them, and yet I want them to save me too.
This is pride: Not being able to say what you please, but wanting your desire to come true more than anything.
I know there are many that are better than me. I am not stupid.
What they have is technique though. I've heard them all.
They're empty inside.
I can't hear them smile or get angry. Everything is so flat even with the 'best' lyrics.
Complicated rhythms may be interesting, but like children's games, swimming inside the core, everyone wants something simple. They want something raw.
The listeners want something to inspire their everyday lives.
Like me, they want help to an answer they cannot solve by themselves.
I too appear emotionless when I do not talk about myself. But all I have is my voice and all the things I've gone through. Layer after layer, that blue sky I've been reaching for is seeping through the darkness.
It sparkles dimly. Slowly, but surely, I am beginning to understand the dream that I carry deep inside of my heart.
Yes, layer after layer, melody within a melody, note for note, I must make all my memories shine brightly when I sing. I cannot change what has happened, but I have the power to grasp what is mine. This is the only time when it can be done.
This moment has no 'next time'.
I'll sing these songs again, but I'll never be the same after singing them NOW.
Ren…
Thank you for this desire.
I may say that I sing for myself, but it is only that I have the confidence to say my stories within my songs without shame. To face the truth even when I want to be blind.
But a song has no melody without a heart.
Lyrics have no meaning with no one to listen to them.
A singer is nothing without the strength to fight and become one with their music.
Sweat falls down from the sides of my face. I hold the microphone with both of my hands and face my head down to the floor when I begin to cry. My heart is beating so wildly I wonder if it's okay to die this happy.
And I wonder when I will get to sing to my audience again.
The lights go down and they scream 'Encore' but we proudly walk back to the dressing room. Once again, my face becomes like an apathetic doll until the music caresses me again to cry out in pleasure and pain.
Pride locks my uncontrollable heart and seals passionate soul once more.
But when I see my reflection again in the mirror, I can feel myself smile.
For one moment,
I am whole.
Owari.
8/19/2007 8:51 AM – LA
8/20/2007 12:51 AM - Tokyo