Chapter 1

A handful of pills, Sicily thought to herself, eyeing the handful of little white pills she had cupped in her left hand. Closing her fingers over them so that they were hidden from view she continued to talk to herself. Come on, Sicily, it's not that that many. You can do it. Just put them in your mouth, get a drink, and swallow, you can do it.

Closing her emerald green eyes, she took a deep breath, attempting to mentally prepare herself for what she was planning to do. A full out battle was being waged between two parts of her mind. One, the rational side, was trying to convince her not to give up, to keep fighting. Sure, things were- are- bad now, but they have to get better eventually, the small voice in her head protested. God never gives you anything that you can't handle.

Sure He doesn't. The pessimistic voice countered back. Do you really still trust him? He took Danny, Caylee and Haylei all within hours of each other in that senseless accident, or are you forgetting that?

Danny Maple, Caylee Jordan, and Haylei Dunnigan had all been killed in a car accident almost exactly one month before. The foursome, along with Haylei's boyfriend of six months, Garrett, and Caylee's of nine, Peyton, had been on their way home from in Danny's SUV late one night. The torrential rain that was pouring down had made it hard to see more than a few feet in front of them, even with the headlights on full power. That, coupled with the alcohol they had consumed, made driving a very bad and unsafe idea. But, as it has a tendency of doing, the alcohol had clouded their judgment, so they all got into the car and headed home. About ten miles from their destination, Danny had jerked the wheel to avoid a large branch that the storm had blown into the road, and the SUV's tires couldn't keep their grip on the rain-soaked road, and the car had swerved into the oncoming lane, directly into the path of an oncoming car.

The family in the other car; a mother, father and their two young children, along with Danny, who had been driving, were all killed instantly.

Sicily, who had been the only one in Danny's car who had wearing a seatbelt, survived the crash with only a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, and four broken ribs.

Haylei hit her head hard on the window, and the resulting head trauma had put her in a coma from which she never woke up from.

Caylee had a collapsed lung as a result of extreme pressure and died in the surgery to repair it when her heart stopped because of the amount of blood lost.

The other two boys managed to survive the accident with nothing but a few cuts that required stitches.

Remember, Sicily, the optimistic voice was back again. He will never give you anything you can't handle.

"Yeah, right," she said, reopening her hand and gazing down at the supposed escape she held. Could she really do it?

Just as she was contemplating that particular question, a soft knock was heard on the closed door.

"Cissy?" a small voice asked. "Can I come in? I gotta pee really bad."

Sighing, she called back, "Yeah, just a sec, okay?" before stuffing the pills in her pocket, unlocking the door and opening it.

The child standing outside in the hall was her little sister, six year old Carley, who looked up at her big sister, her blue eyes wide. "What were you doing? You were in there a long time," she said, extending the "oo" in "long" for several seconds. "Are you sick?" she asked, before wiggling past her.

"No, squirt, I'm not sick. I just needed some quiet."

"In the bathroom?" the child questioned, eyeing her hero from her perch on the toilet.

Sicily gave her a small, sad smile. "Yeah, in the bathroom."

"Oh. I see, I think," Carley said, as Sicily slipped out of the bathroom and shut the door behind her, headed for her other sanctuary; the secluded corner of the attic where she had created a haven many years before.

Flopping down on the pastel tie-dyed beanbag, the sixteen year old pulled a couple sheets of paper, a pencil, and a book out of the place that she had hidden them, and began to write something to her friend, Sydnee.

Sydnee,

I just want to say thank you for everything. You have been amazing, but I'm simply ready to just end it all, to just leave all the pain, guilt and confusion behind. Ever since Danny, Caylee, and Haylei died, I've felt like it was my fault , it had been my idea to go to Cale's party that night, he didn't want to go.

Somehow, through everything, I've always believed that once in heaven tangible things don't mean that much anymore. Well, I'm ready to leave all that behind.

I'm sorry for everything. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Sighing again, she re-read the letter, signed her name, then folded it into fourths and wrote "Sydnee" on the front. Then she pulled the other sheet closer and wrote some more, this one more a diary or journal entry.

I hear your loud screaming
As I scramble down under my duvet.
Your angry, hateful voice is getting louder.
I try to cover my ears.

Your footsteps stop outside my door.
suddenly, the door opens up.
I shake in terror in the dark
As you shove me violently down to the floor.

You start to yell at me,
Verbally abuse me.
Learning a long time ago not to talk back
I only listen, intimidated and terrified.

A sudden blow on my cheek interrupts my silent prayers
Another blow on my back
My legs, my head, my arms
Stop hurting me!

I cry out, hurt and traumatized
In agony I howl.
The only thing I get in return is
Another strike for being too loud.

Help me, someone!
Don't lie about my injuries.
Help me, anyone!
Take me away from this nightmare I'm in.

Help is nowhere in sight
While this child is being slammed
Against the wall.
Where are you? Why aren't you helping me?

All I can hear is the sound of my own bone breaking.
I can taste blood in my mouth.
Daddy yanks me by my hair,
Dragging me down the stairs.

Help me, someone,
Help me.

Under the light I can see my scars
My legs twisted
My black-and-blue arms
My ears ringing.

I look around, whimpering
As Daddy cries out, "Shut up,
you bad girl! Neighbors will hear!"
I cut short, scared to death.

As I lie here on the cold floor
who is to rescue me?

I start to cry loudly.
Knowing I have got to stop
I bite my lips.

Too late,
Daddy comes back.
He is hurting me again,
He twists my arm behind my back.

Anyone,
Help me!

I slowly drift away
Everything seems so blurry and distant.
Maybe I am dying,
Maybe that would be better.

I wake up the next morning,
The sun shining on my face.
Doctor's face clouds with concern.
I nod as he asks if I'm okay.

But I'm not okay,
Daddy's there!
Instead of the angry face I saw last night,
He puts on a mask of happiness.

"I'm so glad you're awake!
Let's celebrate!"
The doctor pats me on the head
Walking away.

I try to call to him, to ask him to come back
Desperately I try to say,
"Don't leave me alone with him."
But my lips are too sore and I cannot speak.

A short while later I am better...
Healthy enough to go home.
I plead to the nurse with my begging eyes,
I am too scared to tell them what's going on.

I have no choice but to follow Daddy,
As he grabs my hand tightly, leading the way.
No, I want to stay!
Leave me alone!

I turn back, but nobody notices me,
My hurt and battered body.
Returning back to where I was harmed
Back I go.

Help me, anyone.

Writing was her escape from the pain in the physical world. When her dad hurt her and she couldn't cry, she'd come up here and write about it, letting her feelings- the real ones, not the ones that she faked so that nobody would know that anything was wrong- came out. On paper, she bared her soul, safe from pain.

How she had managed to survive those six years since her mother had died, she wasn't sure, but she knew that Carley had a lot to do with it.

Unbidden, memories began to haut her.