OF PELLET GUNS, PIGEONS AND PIZZA

by deetatarant

This was going to be sent into TW magazine but to be honest I forgot to do it........

OF PELLET GUNS, PIGEONS AND PIZZA......

Ianto stood on the upper gantry below Tosh's dragon painting, his head tilted toward the ceiling, a deep frown marring his pale features. Jack watched the younger man from the window of his office wondering what it was that had Ianto looking so intently skywards. Myfanwy's shrill squawking split the silence that Jack hadn't even noticed and he bounded out of his office to get a look at what Ianto was staring at.

"Hey Ianto!" He called out and to his surprise Ianto waved aggressively at him to shut up.

"Shhhh, listen!" He hissed.

Jack froze on the stairs that led up to the gantry and tipped his head to one side and duly did as Ianto asked.

Nothing.

Jack frowned and crept along the rest of the way to Ianto's side and looked up.

"Ianto what's......"

"Ssshh!"

Jack almost pouted until.... He narrowed his eyes. Oh yes, there it was, a gentle coo cooing coming from the metal rafters far above them.

"That sounds like a....."

"Pigeon, yes."

Jack smiled, puzzled by Ianto's stern expression as the younger man faced him.

"We have to get rid of it Jack."

Jack arched his eyebrows. "Why? I thought you liked animals?"

Ianto squared his pinstriped shoulders and offered up a long suffering sigh. "Pigeons are not animals, they are..... they are a menace. I'll let Myfanwy out, she can have it for lunch."

"I think it'll be more of a mid afternoon snack actually. I mean it's hardly a full scale meal is it!"

Ianto almost hitched a smile and Jack felt himself internally jump for joy. Ianto hadn't smiled since before..... He didn't let that thought unroll any further and was grateful for the distraction of the cog door opening.

"Hope you boys are behavin'." Gwen stepped in with a cheery smile and went straight to her desk. Jack and Ianto both heard her greet her dead colleagues in the photo that was pinned next to her monitor. The two men exchanged concerned glances but neither commented.

"We've got a pigeon." Jack exclaimed with a flourishing sweep of his arm in the direction of the ceiling.

Gwen looked upwards. "I hope it doesn't poo on us. Pigeons always do that don't they?"

Ianto nodded appearing to make a sudden decision. "That's it, Myfanwy is definitely coming out of her cage and staying out until that thing is dino food."

Gwen shot him a horrified look. "Can't you just like.... let it out?"

Jack grinned when Ianto predictably rolled his eyes. "Oh yes and you're going to catch it I suppose, are you?"

There was a lofty snottiness to Ianto's tone that made Jack bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing and Ianto shot him an evil look, the word Decaf shining in his brilliant blue eyes. Jack took a pace back and glanced up.

"We could have a contest? Whoever shoots it down gets a day off."

A moment later and Gwen was beside them, good naturedly punching Jack's arm.

"Absolutely not. Couldn't we leave the lift open or something?"

Ianto's sarcasm reached new heights. "Yep, because no one is going to fall down the big hole that's right in front of the water tower are they."

Gwen giggled. "How'd it get in, anyway? I mean isn't this place supposed to be like airtight?"

Ianto's shoulders visibly slumped. "There must be damage, from when the Daleks attacked, something we missed, that isn't showing up on our internal sensors. If I put the base into full lockdown I could find the problem pretty quickly because a different set of protocols take over."

Jack looked at him. "But it would also mean no one in or out for 24 hours." He couldn't decide if this were a good or bad thing. They could all do with a day off and not something else that had to be fixed. Ianto appeared to have read his thoughts on the matter.

"Why don't I stay here and you two go home. I'm sure Rhys would love to have you for a day and you Jack, well, I don't know, do a supply run out to Flat Holm or something."

Jack was shaking his head "Whoa, hold on a minute. Last time I looked I was still boss...."

Ianto didn't look even slightly sheepish.

"......And I say......"

"Of course you could always give me and Gwen the day off and catch up with the back log of paperwork." Ianto suggested.

Jack smiled trying to hide his shudder at the thought of being left underground on his own for a whole 24 hours, not being able to get out and both Gwen and Ianto seemed to notice this and they were shaking their heads.

"Sorry, bad idea." Ianto discretely squeezed his hand.

Jack grinned at him. "And this isn't solving the first problem of how to get rid of the pigeon." He added to ease Ianto's worry.

"My Gran used to eat pigeons during the war." Gwen commented. Ianto and Jack were taken aback by the randomness of the remark.

"Can't say I ever tried that." Jack said gazing up again at the sound of cooing, he wondered if the bird knew it was being talked about. "Do we have a BB gun?"

Ianto's eyebrows shot up. "Jack, are you seriously going to try and shoot it down?"

Jack flashed one of those white grins that required sunglasses to look at.

"It'll be just like going to the fair."

"Yes, Jack." Gwen wasn't sure how he figured that out. "Can't we buy a trap?"

"We could, but where do we put it? I mean it's up there in the roof and last time I looked none of us had wings to...."

"Ianto, shut up." Gwen nudged his arm and Ianto smiled at her.

"I'll go and get the gun." He made to leave, but Jack grasped his arm holding him in place.

"I'll get the gun, you go and make the coffee, shooting pigeons is thirsty work." He said releasing his grip.

Ianto almost asked what his last slave died of but decided against it. "Instant or decaf?"

Gwen and Jack gaped at him open mouthed and Ianto raised his hands with a cheeky grin. "Just kidding." He backed off and headed in the direction of the beloved coffee machine.

An hour later and Ianto leaned back on the ratty sofa underneath the tiled Torchwood logo, Gwen at his side with her empty mug still clasped in her hands. She glanced briefly at her watch.

"How long do you think this is going to take?"

Ianto smiled knowingly. "That pigeon will die, either from old age or boredom before Jack manages to shoot it."

"I thought Jack was a good shot."

"Oh, he is." Ianto smiled at her. "I just think the pigeon is a bit smarter than the average Cardiff bird, I mean after all it's in Torchwood. Jack's got his work cut out for him. To be honest if he does manage to shoot it down....."

"He'll be holding it up by the feet and saying.... Hey Ianto fancy eating in tonight? Gwen tells me that her grandmother thinks pigeons are quite tasty."

Gwen and Ianto looked up to see Jack standing before them proudly holding aloft one dead pigeon. Gwen grimaced.

"Please tell me it didn't suffer."

Jack inspected it closely. "No, look, right between the eyes."

Ianto got to his feet. "I think you've earned a mug of Java Dark for that."

Jack waved the dead bird at him and Ianto wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Is there something you'd like me to do with that, sir?"

Gwen's eyes nearly popped out of her head and Jack's grin went Cheshire Cat like.

"Do you think Miffy would like this?"

Ianto had no idea. "She has breeding Jack and high standards and I think she prefers lamb steaks and whole rock salmon from Scotland.... she eats better than I do."

"Doesn't sound half as nice as Rhys' lasagne."

Ianto remembered said lasagne very well and his mouth watered. "Now I'm hungry, Pizza anyone?"

"Good plan. I'll just go and give this to Janet, I mean weevils can't be too fussed, right?"

Ianto turned. "Owen's research indicates that weevils eat most things, pigeon is probably a delicacy for her." It took him a moment to register what he had just said.

Owen.

To his surprise Gwen and Jack were still smiling at him. "Er, right then. Coffee and Pizza it is...... Diet starts tomorrow." He went on his way and paused as Jack and Gwen both called out at the same time.

"Don't forget the salad, you need to eat to more vegetables Ianto."