An/This story I began months ago but decided to hold on to for a bit when stories with similar plots came out. But now feels like a good time to post the first chapter of it. I hope you enjoy it. I'll try to keep it updated about once a week, but I make no promises.
I don't own Criminal Minds, but that doesn't stop me from having far too much fun with it. Anyway, enjoy!
"While the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it." –Helen Keller
"Will, please. Can we not fight about this tonight?" I pled as I got in the car, grateful that at least this time Henry wasn't there to see the familiar argument. We were having the same fight we had been having for the last few months.
"JJ, I love you. We live together. We have a son together. Why don't you want to get married?" He asked passionately shutting the driver's door behind him. I love him too, I really do. But I just don't really know if we should rush into something like that. While not a complete cynic, I learned a long time ago that marriage didn't equate to happiness.
"Will, I love you too" I hoped that he could tell by the sincerity in my voice that I meant every word. Will was my constant, the best thing that had ever happened to me. But the last thing I wanted to do was ruin our relationship by forcing ourselves to move on to the next step before we were really ready. Will I ever be ready?
"But?" He sensed my trepidation. Both of us knew this argument by heart--not that it solved anything.
"But I don't want to get married just because I got pregnant. Can we talk about this another time?" I begged. I had just gotten home from a case, and I was exhausted. Does he not understand that I'm not ready for this conversation just yet? Frankly, sometimes I think that I won't ever be ready for this conversation. Not that I would ever tell him that.
"Sure." He smiled at me charmingly. I love it when he smiles like that--the world just seems to melt away, and I forget the stresses and pressures of life. "Where do you want to go eat, Cher?"
"Chinese?" I suggest and don't fail to notice the small smirk on his face. I love Chinese, and while he's never been a big fan, I know that I've secretly got him hooked on Kung Pao Chicken—not that he'd ever admit that out loud.
"Golden Dragon it is." Will said, though I could tell he still wanted to talk.
I smiled at him happily, neither of us noticing the red truck as it barreled into our small grey SUV.
I felt cold hands pulling me from the darkness that I had fallen into. Everything hurt. I didn't know I could feel this much pain. The smell of blood permeated my nostrils before I succumbed to the darkness that seemed to beckon to me, only slightly hearing a desparate voice call "She's alive, somebody get an ambulance!"
Forcing myself from the welcoming darkness of sleep, my first response was to cry for Will. But the words won't come, no matter how hard I tried to force them. I hoped he was alright. I needed him to be alright. I felt as the cold hand begin to hold me up, followed by another pair supporting the other side of my body.
"Sweetheart, you're going to be alright." A male voice reassured, though despite the comforting tone, it makes me uncomfortable. No man ever calls me sweetheart besides Will, and I don't think I want someone else using his term of endearment. I decided that I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, this guy is trying to save my life. The least I can do is try to be nice.
I could hear the vile cries of the ambulance that made my head want to explode. I knew that I should feel relief, like someone is coming to save me, but the only thing I felt was annoyance. Can't anyone stop the sirens? Why won't anyone stop the sirens?
And then the sirens stop. I felt a sense of gratitude for that, at least I wouldn't lose my sanity. The darkness once again reared its comforting face, taking me away from the panic that surrounded me.
The subtle beep of monitors pulled me from the comfortable haze. My ears strained to hear hushed, whispered voices, but I didn't have the energy to open my eyes and acknowledge their presence.
"Where is JJ going to stay?" Garcia asked softly, sounding terrified. "She has nowhere to go, her parents are in a nursing home up in Pittsburgh and her brother's family lives in Colorado. She doesn't have anyone here."
If I had the energy to care, I would be worried about what they were talking about, but it was all I could do to keep listening to the conversation.
"She can stay with me." Emily volunteered, sounding firm.
I've always admired the way Emily would do anything for her friends. I was thrilled when she joined the unit, and she'd become such a good friend.
"She can move in with me—" Emily's impassioned plea was cut off by Garcia, who I could picture was shaking her head quickly.
"Emily, she just went through a debilitating car accident and your entire house is separated by stairs. There's no way she's going to be able to handle that physically." Garcia reasoned.
Debilitating? I questioned myself, other than this fog that I couldn't seem to penetrate, I felt fine.
"She can stay with me." Reid said immediately, causing me to smile inwardly. Reid was just like the little brother I never had.
"You have no room for Henry." Garcia pointed out, "I have no room for Henry." She said dejectedly.
"How about my place?" Morgan offered.
Had I been feeling better, I would have laughed out loud at that statement. Live with Morgan? I'd rather die. Or live in a cardboard box. Either one.
"No." Emily and Garcia said in unison.
"Why not?" Morgan asked. I could barely detect the pain in his voice at the quick denial of his offer, though I'm certain the others picked up on it as well.
"I don't think JJ wants to wreck your libido." Garcia laughed awkwardly. That's true! I laughed to myself as I pictured me living with Derek Morgan and couldn't help but recognize that Penelope Garcia knows me too well.
"His girlfriends wouldn't even notice." Reid smirked, siding with Derek. I almost wanted to laugh at his comment, but I could feel the darkness engulfing me once more. Pushing the darkness away, I forced myself to keep listening at least until they had resolved whatever was so important.
"I will buy a new house so that JJ and Henry can move in with me before I let her stay with Morgan." Emily retorted protectively. She would always be protective--it was part of who she was--but this was starting to get ridiculous. Just leave me alone. I groaned as weariness tugged at my consciousness, pulling me closer and closer to the abyss of sleep.
"There are short term care facilities that deal with rehabilitation after surgery." Reid suggested, his comment bringing me closer to reality while fought a shudder. I would rather move in with Morgan. But why was this such an issue? I can live at my house. The solution seemed to satisfy me until I heard the conversation continue.
"We are not sending JJ to a rest home." Morgan, Emily, and Garcia affirmed at once. Thanks guys.
"What about Rossi?" Reid offered. I'm sure Dave would love that, having to deal with an inherently debilitated me while I ruin his libido. If the rumors are true, he is just as bad as Morgan.
"I think that would be awkward for her." Emily shot down kindly. "She and Rossi like each other, but I don't think they are really in a place in their interaction where that wouldn't be a big deal."
Good call Emily. I tried to smile but could feel that my mouth wasn't responding. In fact, my entire body seemed to tingle slightly, like that weird phase between sleep and waking. I just felt so tired.
"That leaves Hotch." Garcia said decisively.
"Hotch." Emily agreed. Apparently they all agreed, because I heard none of the rumblings that had been filling the room for the last few minutes.
I don't know how I'm supposed to face spending time with my boss. That just sounds odd, me moving in with Hotch. I really did feel fine, why would they be so concerned?
"Who gets to tell him?" Reid said after a moment. I wish I could have seen his face, I was sure it was a hopeful face, praying that Emily would take this one for the team. For some reason--one that I don't know--all the painful chores of the BAU always fall on Emily. When she first came to the unit, I would to try to stop it, but she never seemed to mind. So I easily assumed that Emily would be the one talking to him.
"One. Two. Three. Not it." I heard Emily, Morgan, and Garcia shout in unison. Oh no.
"Wait, what?" Reid asked obliviously. I chuckled inwardly. Only to Reid.
"You're it, pretty boy." Morgan said. I could hear the smile behind his eyes.
"I can't be held to game standards that I never learned." Reid cried indignantly. Somehow, I could tell he was worried that Hotch wouldn't take me in and that the very suggestion would fracture Hotch's already delicate resolve to continue working at the FBI. I really was starting to feel like a puppy without a home, but I could feel myself abandoning the feelings of lonliness for the comforting call of the darkness.
"Sorry Reid, the rules of the 'not-it' game are unflinchingly rigid and cannot be changed based on circumstance." Garcia informed chipperly. I could tell she didn't feel bad--to tell you the truth, neither did I. Hotch is in fact always nicer to Reid than he is to anyone else. It's the luck Reid got for being a genius with no family, people automatically tried to take pity on him.
"But-" Reid tried to reason with the others, but it was to no avail.
Suddenly, reality hit me like a weight of bricks, pulling me from my dream-like state. I'm probably a crappy girlfriend because I hadn't sooner. Why wasn't anyone talking about Will? Will was in the car with me, sitting right next to me. Will had been—No. My mind couldn't bear to think of the possibility. You don't find your soul mate just to lose them right then, I assured myself. We hadn't even started our lives together--there was no way God would do this to me.
It was then that I noticed the dull tingling starting to increase. It had started out as a tingle before, but now, it was a feeling I recognized easily. Pain. Everywhere. But where's Will? My mind raced to clear the fog that seemed to jumble my thoughts, all the while my body increasingly recognizing the agony it was in.
My heart monitor began to beat emphatically, portraying the state of panic that waged war on my weary soul. I was sure that this couldn't really be happening. This had to be some joke. Or a dream. I would wake up soon. The others became alarmed at the rapid beeping and suddenly, I felt Garcia's light calming touch on my hand.
"JJ." The terror in her voice didn't fit. The Garcia I know is sunshine in the darkness--I can't have one of the few constants in my life change. Not now. "It's going to be okay." I could hear the slight tremor in her voice, but I couldn't force myself to calm down.
I heard the nurses come running in. "Give her 10cc of morphine. Are any of you her next of kin or emergency contact?"
Nope. My emergency contact was with me in the crash, and no one is saying a word about him. I answered the nurse, though at some level I was aware that my mouth refused to respond.
"We need permission to give her a mild tranquilizer. She doesn't need to be awake for this." The nurse assured. At first, I was petrified that they would agree. I couldn't stand the idea of waking up and Will still not being here. But the more I thought about it, the more the idea of being as far away from this as possible seemed like the only thing to protect my sanity.
After feeling a slight burning up my arm--presumably from the IV, the darkness that I had been fighting welcomed me with open arms.
The blackness cleared once more, this time, I did have the energy to open my eyes, the memory of the conversation of my friends easily forgotten along with the hazy dreams of popcorn and leprechauns.
"Jayje, you're awake." Garcia beamed, I could see the worry apparent in her eyes. The eyes that normally gleamed had an added weariness, weariness that I had inadvertently caused.
"What happened?" I asked, somewhat surprised at the raspy sound of my voice.
"You were broadsided by a teenage driver. He walked away without a scratch." Garcia explained comfortingly. I could tell she wasn't saying something--I had always been able to tell when Garcia wasn't telling me everything. It was a skill that actually came in handy several times, but now, I just needed the truth.
"Where's Will?" I asked, the conversation that I had assumed was a dream came back to my memory with full force. Now was the time, I needed to know.
Garcia's face fell. "Maybe we should talk about this later."
"He didn't make it, did he?" I deduced, unable to stop the tears that began to flow silently down my cheeks.
"Honey, I'm so sorry."
"Did he—?" I swallowed the lump in my throat, unable to ask the question that I desperately needed to know.
"He was killed on impact. He didn't feel a thing. We were worried about you sweetheart."
"Why?" I choked out a half-sob.
Garcia looked at me with kind eyes, and I could tell that this hurt her as much as it hurt me. "Girl, you almost died."
"Garcia, I'm.." I trailed off, I actually didn't know how I was, but that wasn't going to stop me. "I'm fine."
"Look at yourself." My familiar friend commanded, "Dislocated shoulder," as if on cue I tried to move my shoulder only to feel it slightly numb and immobile, "bruised ribs, concussion, your femur was crushed and they had to pin it back together. You are not fine Miss Pin-cushion" Garcia scolded, as she mentioned each area, it seemed to flag the dull pain that I assumed was numbed by the drugs.
"Well, I will be fine." I countered, trying to ignore the streaming tears. "But it doesn't matter, he can't come back."
Garcia nodded sadly. We remained in silence for several minutes. "Maybe I should grab Emily, she's better with this sort of thing."
"I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this." I pled. In truth, if I had a choice, Garcia wouldn't have been in the room either.
"Okay." She conceded immediately. Again, silence descended upon us and after a moment, Penelope cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you." The pity in her eyes was unmasked and genuine, but I wasn't ready for it yet.
"I know." I tried to smile tentatively, but I'm sure that it wasn't very convincing. "I just don't know where I'm going to go from here." And I really didn't, what was I going to do without Will? It just didn't seem real. I didn't feel like I wouldn't see the love of my life again. He was dead, I had heard the words, but it didn't feel like he was.
"Well, you have Henry. If that's the only thing you can do to keep going, think of him." Garcia offered unsurely. Under different circumstances, I might have cared at how Garcia--who normally had answers to everything--questioned herself with each comment she made.
"I will." I whimpered. My small son would have to be my will to live, I was alright with that.
"And erm...the doctors…They want you to stay with someone close to you for a while." Garcia added. "Reid is talking to Hotch right now."
"Hotch?" I sputtered. Because that won't be awkward at all. "Why?"
"Yeah, he was the best we could think of. Reid said that he's fine with the idea, but they're working out the final details."
"Garcia, I can't stay with Hotch." I tried to reason. "He's my boss."
"No, he's your friend. A friend who wants to help you out." Garcia countered. Apparently she did know me better than I thought, because she quickly continued, "You're in no shape to take care of yourself, and Hotch already talked to Jessica about letting Henry stay with Jack when everyone else is out of town."
"He's Hotch." I groaned, I didn't mean to sound disgusted, but it just happened to come out that way. It just didn't feel like that really could be happening.
"You'll just be there until we feel like you can function without being watched." Garcia explained. She made it sound like I was unstable. I could take care of myself. I could take care of my son--after all, that is what a mother does.
"Lets just talk about this later." I resolved. I was going to lose and I knew it. There was no point in arguing, but I still felt faint enough to put off the conversation until later. I at least hoped that when I did fight, though it would do nothing, I would give it my best go.
"Good idea." Garcia agreed. "We should let the rest of the team see you."
No, I did not want the team to see me, not like this. Not all hooked up to monitors and having every last sliver of sense-of-self stolen from me. Though I didn't want to admit it, I felt broken, and alone, and I was terrified to let anyone else see that. "Actually, I feel really tired. I think I need some sleep."
"Alright, sweet dreams." Garcia conceded as she walked out the door and flicked off my lights. As the beautiful darkness surrounded me, I felt safe. It was easy to fear the dark, all of the unknown and mystery it presented, but right now, it was what I needed. I needed life to not be apparent for a minute. It was easier to pretend that my life wasn't over when the lights were out.
Thanks for reading! I really would like to know what you thought about it.