A/N: I've been working on this story for a while, and then Tumblr went and gave me feels the other day so I just had to finish it. This fic is dedicated to Yuna for said feels, Woody and Kayden for their support, and most of all to Kath for supporting me, helping with my ideas, and betaing. You rock!
This will be a two-shot, but it will take quiet a while for me to write chapter two, so I made sure this one ended on a satisfying note. Hope you guys like the first ever Rafael/Eddie story!
Also, for reasons of pure shallowness, we're gonna pretend Eddie isn't bald. He has the same pretty hair Kirk does.
The day had been long, and Rafael felt hungry. He walked faster, eager to get to whatever snack would greet him at home. He hoped it was plantain chips; just the thought made his stomach growl.
He loved Fridays. He always got to spend the night with Alex and Eddie or have them over, though today it would just be Eddie since Alex had a cold. It made him so happy.
"Come on, hurry up!" he told Eddie.
"You're still going to help me with math, right?" Eddie asked as he quickened his pace.
"Of course! I won't abandon you," Rafael promised. "Fractions are easy. You just gotta remember the rules."
"Yeah, it would be easy if I could do that," Eddie said glumly.
"You'll get it, I promise!" Rafael assured him. "You're so close already! Alex got them yesterday- I know you will too!"
Finally he had Eddie smiling, just a little. "Okay. I think-"
The sound of gunfire cut him off.
"Eddie?" Rafael whispered, gazing up at his friend. He groaned faintly but managed to add, "You're hurt…" He didn't like the blood on Eddie's shirt.
"No, I'm not," Eddie said, shaking his head. "It's not my blood." Rafael blinked in confusion, so he explained, "I caught you, remember? The blood just kinda… you know."
"Oh… That's good…" Rafael said faintly. The pain spiked suddenly and he reached instinctively to his chest, trying to bat Eddie's hands away. "D-don't, please don't…" he gasped out.
"Gotta keep pressure on it, Rafi," Eddie said softly, voice full of regret and sympathy. "You're bleeding bad."
Rafael nodded in resignation and leaned his head against Eddie's arm, struggling to piece the last few minutes together. It was a blur; gunfire, pain, screaming, blood. Eddie.
Unknown to Rafael, Eddie was watching him. After he struggled with a few breaths, Eddie asked, "You can't breathe, can you?"
Rafael shook his head. "Feels… stuck…"
Eddie stroked Rafael's forehead with a bloody finger and said, "it'll be okay."
"Yeah?" Rafael asked, with just a hint of doubt.
"Yeah," Eddie echoed.
"Get down, Rafi!" Eddie said, but Rafael had already done just that. The two laid on their stomachs behind a trash can, as still as could be for fear that any stray motion would get them shot. They barely even breathed.
It seemed to last an eternity, and Rafael finally whispered, "I'm scared, Eddie."
Eddie exhaled. "I am too," he whispered. "But it'll be okay."
Rafael sniffed. "Promise?"
The cough felt like damnation, like a divine punishment. It rattled his entire body and caused excruciating pain to flare in his chest. Body rigid, Rafael fought to just hold on. A metallic taste filled his mouth and soon blood was draining onto his face and Eddie's arm.
Rafael wondered if this was how he would die; in fact, for a few seconds he was certain of it. Eddie's face, along with everything else in his line of vision, faded out of focus and he heard Eddie demanding things of him; "Hold on" and "Stay with me" and "Just hang in there" and "Look at me" and even a "Don't you dare leave me, god damn it Rafi…"
It was exactly the wrong thing to do, but as soon as he regained his ability to breathe, Rafael laughed. Despite the pain, despite the lack of air, he laughed.
"What's so funny?" Eddie snapped, though Rafael didn't think he could use that word since Eddie sounded more afraid than angry.
"S… Sorry…" Rafael managed. He coughed again, making spots erupt that nearly engulfed his vision. More blood filled his mouth and he groaned in pain.
"Don't, Rafi, you don't have to exp-" Eddie protested frantically, but Rafael cut him off.
"I-in the b-ba-barrio," he whispered. Every syllable drained his strength and he knew Eddie would beg him to keep quiet soon. "I w-was so a-af-fraid of g-getting sh-shot, reme-ember?" He coughed again. Eddie looked terrified. "And n-now…"
"I get it," Eddie murmured. "Don't talk anymore, Rafi, please." God, that look on his face was heartbreaking. He looked devastated.
Rafael coughed again. Eddie gently wiped the blood off his lips and chin. Rafael shifted his head into a more comfortable position and closed his eyes, murmuring, "I-I'm t-t-ired, E-Ed-d-die…"
"I know." Eddie brushed the hair out of Rafael's face. "I know, Rafi. But you gotta hang on. No sleeping yet."
He didn't answer. Eddie jogged his shoulder and said sharply, "listen to me, Rafi. Squeeze my hand." He grabbed Rafael's hand and waiting for him to comply. His grip was weak but there.
"Remember the day you agreed to teach me English?" Eddie asked softly.
"Yeah," Rafael whispered with a faint cough. The coughs were growing less frequent; Eddie knew it was because Rafael was unable to cough properly rather than because he was improving. The fluid was filling his lungs; Rafael was drowning in his own blood.
It was a cruel way to die. Eddie wasn't going to let that happen to his hermanito.
The shooting finally stopped. Rafael and Eddie waited until no bullets had been fired for an entire minute, then they stood and finished their walk home in silence. They sat in Rafael's family's living room, watching cartoons on TV. The fried plantains Rafael's grandmother had made went untouched; their appetite was gone.
Rafael snuggled against his abuela, even letting her stroke his hair. Eddie set a hand on his shoulder and hesitantly reached for a plantain, which made Rafael smile faintly and tease, "piggie!"
"Am not!" Eddie insisted.
"Are too!" he replied before hiding his head in his abuela's shoulder again. He sighed softly and realized that as long as he had Eddie, he was safe and happy.
Teeth chattering, shivering so violently that it felt like convulsions, Rafael burrowed closer to Eddie. He knew it had been a warm night, but now it felt like the dead of winter. Eddie rubbed his cold skin, murmuring encouragement to him.
He coughed again and whimpered faintly. "H-h-how m-much lon-longer?"
"Till the ambulance comes? I don't know, Rafi. Soon," Eddie whispered. "Hang in there, okay, hermanito?"
The coughs started again, making Rafael's vision lose focus. He fought to get the air back into his lungs.
"Rafi, come on," Eddie urged. He grabbed Rafael's hand; Rafael squeezed as hard as he could but knew Eddie barely felt it. Everything got more and more distant until he couldn't make out a single one of Eddie's frantic words.
This had to be dying, he thought. He was so cold, so breathless, so tired, so weak and he couldn't hold on anymore no matter how badly Eddie wanted him to.
He tried to tell Eddie he was sorry, but he was too far gone. He couldn't breathe well enough to talk and his body was barely responsive.
He closed his eyes and surrendered.
The next thing he knew, he was being pulled back into awareness. He felt something hugging his face and realized, as he awoke and blinked, that it was a bag valve mask. His lungs were doing such a poor job that the EMTs had taken over the task of breathing for him.
Eddie was holding his hand, talking to him softly in Spanish. He looked so afraid, and Rafael wanted nothing more than to reassure him somehow, but nothing would work. He brushed his finger against Eddie's and waited.
"Eddie?" Rafael asked and set his pencil down. Hours had passed since they'd arrived home from school, and the two were working on their homework. Rafael was almost done, but Eddie had almost nothing to show for the hour he'd spent working.
"Yeah?" Eddie said.
"What happens when you get shot?"
"You go to the hospital and the police talk to you," Eddie answered.
"I know that!" Rafael said. "I mean, when you die. Like the lady that got shot last week."
"Oh." Eddie thought for a while. "I don't know."
"It sounds scary," Rafael said and bit nervously on his eraser.
"Yeah," Eddie agreed, looking down. "I don't wanna get shot."
"Me either. I wish the gangs would stop fighting." Rafael sighed. "I hate the projects."
"Me too. I wanna leave some day."
"Yeah," Rafael said, nodding. "I'm gonna be mayor and then I'm gonna tell the gangs to stop. They'll have to listen to me!"
"You and Alex will be good mayors," Eddie said, but he looked downcast.
Rafael thought. "You can be mayor too! Or you can be our bodyguard! You're so strong!"
"Yeah!" Eddie said, brightening at once. "I'll protect you and Alex like always."
There were loud beeping sounds around him, a dim light, and the sounds of worried voices. He felt a gnawing pain inside his chest that was nonetheless too distant for him to care. He tried to call out, but his throat scratched and he started coughing instead.
"He's awake!" his mother called.
"Hey, don't crowd him!" Eddie warned.
Rafael opened his eyes, immediately feeling disoriented and dizzy, and gave another weak cough. "Eddie?" he whispered raspily. "I had a strange dream… dreamed I was dying…" He closed his eyes, struggling against the lightheadedness that got worse every time he coughed. "It hurt so much…"
Eddie could almost feel his heart breaking. "No, Rafi, that wasn't a dream," he murmured, sitting down beside him and stroking his hair. "Do you remember what happened?"
"A little," Rafael whispered, after thinking for several seconds and finally connecting the dots. Of course it hadn't been a dream; he was in the hospital. It just proved how clouded his head was. "I got hurt and I couldn't breathe. You helped me."
"You got shot in the chest," Eddie supplied. "Your lung collapsed. You were on a ventilator for two days; they tried to take you off after one, but you kept having trouble breathing on your own and had to be put back on. You only started breathing okay a few hours ago."
"Think I should still be on it," Rafael whispered. "My chest hurts…"
Eddie shook his head. "I know you feel like shit, but you're gonna be okay. Might need more oxygen though."
"Yeah," Rafael agreed. He licked his lips, but his tongue was so dry that it didn't do much. "And some water."
"Here, I have some ice chips for you," Eddie said. He lifted Rafael's oxygen mask and first set the ice on his lips, wetting them, then let Rafael swallow it. He opened his mouth, silently asking for another one. Eddie complied, repeating the process until Rafael's throat stopped aching.
"Better?" Eddie asked.
"Better," Rafael echoed, pulling the oxygen mask down. The lightheadedness wasn't much better, but his throat didn't hurt as much and his voice didn't rasp. It even sounded a bit stronger; stronger than he felt, certainly.
He looked around the room and then smiled faintly. "Hola, Mama."
"Hola, mijo," Isabel said, joining Rafael and Eddie.
Rafael thought, then asked, "who shot me?"
"We don't know. Remember? We saw some gangsters mugging another guy. We called 911, but they heard us. They came after you instead." Eddie grabbed Rafael's blanket, twisting it nervously in his hand. "They fled as soon as they shot you and we haven't caught them. I couldn't even give a description. I'm sorry, Rafi."
"It's okay," Rafael said and touched Eddie's hand. Then he reached his other hand out and grabbed his mother's.
"It's not," Eddie said, biting his lip. Rafael hadn't seen him do that since they were younger.
He grabbed Eddie's hand, gazing up at him. "It will be." He coughed again, wincing.
"We should tell the doctor he woke up," Isabel said suddenly. "Rafael, can you stay awake awhile?"
Rafael thought, then shook his head. He was exhausted already.
"Go back to sleep, mijo," Isabel told him softly. She ran her hand through Rafael's hair. "I'll tell the doctor you couldn't stay awake."
"Thank you," Rafael whispered. He smiled at them and murmured, "te quiero," before closing his eyes. He didn't see the caring but worried expressions on their faces.
"Dinner's ready!" Isabel announced.
Rafael and Eddie hurried to the kitchen. They helped set the table, then washed their hands and sat down, Rafael sitting between his abuela and Eddie.
"I heard you two had a rough day," Isabel said softly.
Rafael nodded, taking a bite of rice. "The gangs were fighting again. The shooting lasted forever!"
"A bullet came really close!" Eddie added.
Isabel's face was full of sadness as she said, "I'm sorry you had to see that. I wish we all could leave here."
"I do too. Then we could play outside again," Rafael said wistfully.
Isabel gave him a strained smile. "Wouldn't that be nice?"
"It would!" Eddie agreed.
Nodding, Rafael added, "And the bullies at the playground would stop so Eddie doesn't have to get in trouble anymore." He gazed down at his plate and declared, "I'd give anything to leave the projects!"
"Me too!" Eddie said.
When Rafael woke next, Eddie had left, leaving just his mom. He felt slightly disappointed, though he was glad for her company. The two sat in silence most of the time, but sometimes would have a brief conversation, always avoiding certain topics. Still, Rafael knew they were close to working through it all and she did love him. Considering he had doubted that fact for years, it was comforting to know now.
The next time he fell asleep and awoke, it was just Eddie. He smiled and whispered, "hola."
"Hola." Eddie sat next to him. "How are you feeling, Rafi?"
"I'm still pretty weak," Rafael admitted. "Doctors said that'll last a while."
Eddie nodded, looking upset. "Rafi, I'm so sorry."
"Don't be," Rafael said.
"I got you shot!" Eddie hissed. "I'll never stop being sorry! I was supposed to protect you! That was my job since we were kids!"
"It's not your job, Eddie," Rafael whispered. "You can't protect me from everything. You did protect me as best you could, but there's some things you couldn't protect me from, like how there were some things I couldn't help you with." He saw Eddie look away for a moment, still deeply hurt over Alex. He was too, but said nothing. "And… you didn't get me shot- you saved me. I would have died without you. You still protected me."
Eddie swallowed and nodded. "I… I hoped you would say that," he said. "But I also have a hard time believin' it." Rafael reached out and patted Eddie's hand. Eddie smiled. "I always worried about you," he confessed. "Ever since we were little."
"Why?"
"Why?" Eddie repeated, running a hand through his hair. "You always… it wasn't that you were weak…" He frowned, trying to word his thoughts carefully. "But you always seemed so… defenseless? You couldn't fight the bullies. I could fight them and win; Alex could fight them and hold his own. You, you never could. Not till you went to college and started working out there. But even then… you're a smart guy but not a fighter. Sometimes I even got afraid when you got sick. You were always my little brother, Rafi, even if Alex… whatever." He shook his head. "I had to protect you."
"Eddie," Rafael murmured, but he couldn't think of anything to say. All he could manage was, "Thank you for always protecting me."
"You don't gotta thank me. We're even, remember?" Eddie gave a soft laugh. "You taught me English. Where would I be without you?"
"You would have learned eventually. A teacher would have figured out how to reach you."
Eddie shook his head. "No, Rafi, they wouldn't have. They didn't understand me. Nothing they said ever made sense. You were the only one who could explain it- you were the only one who got me."
"I was?" Rafael whispered, blinking in shock. "I didn't realize..." He knew he had always been able to connect to Eddie better than everyone else, but hadn't realized it went this far.
"You were," Eddie confirmed. "Still are. No one else gets me like you do."
Rafael swallowed.
"Eddie?" Rafael called, sitting up in bed. He crawled to the other side and shook Eddie's shoulder. "Eddie?"
"Qué?" Eddie murmured, opening his eyes.
"I had a nightmare," he said softly.
"So find your mom, then!" Eddie grumbled.
"I dreamed we got shot," he continued like Eddie hadn't spoken. Eddie was always crabby when he first woke up. "There was blood everywhere! And you were crying!"
"Hmm," Eddie said, clearly trying to fall asleep again.
Rafael hit him lightly with his pillow. "Eddie! Pay attention!"
"I'm listening!" Eddie snatched the pillow from his hands.
Rafael sighed, giving up on telling Eddie about the nightmare, and decided to cut to the chase. "So, can I sleep with you?"
"Fine." Eddie tossed the pillow next to him. "Bring your blankie, you always squirm and steal mine."
"Sorry," Rafael said, but he was still smiling. He settled down next to Eddie and gave a soft sound of contentment before drifting off again, this time to a nightmare-free sleep.
Two days after Rafael awoke for the first time, the doctors insisted he stand and try to walk, despite his weakness and breathlessness. Eddie helped him to his feet and he closed his eyes, leaning heavily against Eddie.
"Easy, Rafi," Eddie murmured. "Take your time." The nurse assigned to watch repeated much the same thing.
He managed to walk around the room, each step sapping his strength, and let Eddie support more and more of his body weight. He doubted he would even have made it that far without Eddie supporting him.
"Almost done," Eddie encouraged him.
Rafael smiled faintly and took another step, rubbing at his chest. He was panting like he'd been sprinting. The doctors had said not to be alarmed if this happened but he was anyway. What if something was permanently damaged? What if he never was able to recover? If he couldn't even walk across a room without help, if even with help he got breathless and fatigued after only a few steps, how was he going to recover from this?
The thoughts continued to plague him as he finished walking. He was sagging against Eddie by the time he was allowed to return to his bed, which didn't help matters.
"You did good, Rafi," Eddie said.
"You're recovering well," the nurse agreed.
"Don't feel like it." Rafael slid the oxygen mask back over his mouth.
"I know you don't, but it's normal. You were shot in the lung. You won't be 100% for a while," the nurse said.
Rafael took in a deep breath, then let it out. He nodded. "I guess. I'm just afraid."
Eddie moved to his side and set his hand on his shoulder. "I won't let anything bad happen to you."
They smiled wryly. They both knew Eddie couldn't stop any complications that might arise from the gunshot wound, but it felt nice to hear anyway.
"Raf-iiii!" Eddie half-groaned, half-whined. "Come on! You stole my blankie again! Give it back, I'm cold!" He shook his friend, but as usual, he was out like a light. It would have been easier to wake up a rock.
He made a quiet "hmph!" sound and made to tug on the blanket to get it back, until he saw how happy and relaxed Rafael looked. He was smiling and making soft sounds as he slept.
Eddie sighed, resigned. There was no way he was taking his blanket back now. So he walked to the closet Rafael's mom always got the blankets from, tugged at a heavy one, and returned to the bed. "Night, Rafi," he mumbled as he curled up under the blanket and closed his eyes again.
It was strange that the doctors kept insisting he was improving over the next few days, yet Rafael barely felt it. Some of his strength returned, but he still felt dizzy and breathless when he walked longer than a few minutes, even with Eddie helping him. He doubted he'd be able to walk even that long without Eddie supporting his weight.
His lungs still felt tight. He spent more time sleeping than awake and the pain was still unbearable without morphine. But despite that, the doctors insisted he was doing well enough to leave in another two days, bringing his total length of stay in the hospital to nine days. Once at home, he'd have physical therapy and checkups with his new pulmonologist and regular doctor to deal with.
He quickly arranged for his mom to stay at home with him, as the doctors recommended not being on his own for the first day. Eddie wanted to help, but Rafael reminded him that he had already spent so much time here, and his own mother and son needed him. Eddie reluctantly agreed, but insisted on being there the day Rafael was released. He'd bring Rafael home, help him get settled, and then return to his family.
The day Rafael was finally released, he felt so exhausted that he asked the nurse if she was quite sure he was well enough to leave. A quick check showed that all his vitals were fine, so he was still to be discharged.
Eddie entered the room a while after that, carrying a bag filled with the clothes Rafael had him asked to retrieve from his apartment. A red sweatshirt, white t-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes and socks. It was the most informal Rafael had dressed in years, but he couldn't manage anything more if his life depended on it.
"Hey, are you feeling any better?" Eddie asked softly as he entered. Rafael had called earlier to vent about his fatigue.
"Still sore and tired," Rafael said. "I'm breathing a tiny bit better though."
"I bet it'll feel better in your own bed. It always does when I'm sick," Eddie said.
"Probably," Rafael agreed. He held an arm out. "Give me the bag. Sooner I get changed, the sooner we get out of here."
"Alright." Eddie laughed. "Here."
Rafael took it and walked into the bathroom to change. He worked to catch his breath as he finished and returned to the bed. He sat down next to Eddie, sighing and running a hand through his hair. "Remember when we were nine? We got caught in that shootout, just you and I."
"Of course." Eddie smiled sadly and nodded. "It lasted at least ten minutes."
"Yeah." Rafael exhaled slowly. "We talked about how scary it sounded. Getting shot. Well… we were right."
Eddie winced. He reached one arm out and wrapped it around Rafael's shoulder.
"Just like when we were kids," Rafael thought and looked over at Eddie.
"I'm sorry," Eddie said again.
"Eddie, please," Rafael murmured. "Please don't be sorry. You didn't get me shot- they did. You saved me. Just like always." He felt Eddie squeezing his shoulder and smiled. "You're even putting your arm around me and walking me where I need to go. Like always."
Eddie smiled back at him. He started to say something else, but then the nurse returned with a wheelchair and some papers for Rafael to sign.
The nurse wheeled Rafael out to the parking garage, with Eddie walking beside them. When they left the hospital doors, Rafael stood and started walking. "Thanks," he told the nurse, then turned to Eddie. "Where to?"
"This way." Eddie walked to the left, making sure to stay slow so Rafael could keep up without getting winded.
They finally came to Eddie's beat-up sedan and climbed in, Rafael closing his eyes as he buckled his seatbelt. "I'm probably going to sleep right when I get home. Sorry," he murmured.
"You got shot, Rafi, you don't have to apologize for anything," Eddie told him. When Rafael opened his mouth, he cut him off with, "I'm not talkin' about feeling guilty. I mean it. You got shot in the lung; you don't got to apologize for being tired."
"Okay," Rafael said and smiled faintly. He tilted his head back and proceeded to sleep for the duration of the drive.
When Rafael awoke, he had his blanket and Eddie's wrapped around him. He felt guilty for being a blanket thief again, but then he saw that Eddie had another blanket. He sighed softly, resting his head against the pillow and trying to fall asleep again, but couldn't. So instead he crawled out of bed and walked to the kitchen, but not before he put Eddie's first blanket back over him. It was fall and the nights and early mornings were chilly.
"Hola, Abuelita!" he said sleepily as he walked into the kitchen. He yawned and hugged her.
"Hola, Rafael," she said warmly. "What would you and Eddie like for breakfast?"
"Scrambled eggs, please!" he said. Eddie liked scrambled eggs far more than he did, but he figured he owed him after stealing his blanket. Especially because Eddie had let him sleep beside him.
She stroked his hair gently. "Okay, mi tesoro."
He yawned again, resting his head on her arm.
Walking from the car to the apartment was a struggle, but he managed, with Eddie's help. When they entered, Rafael was immediately greeted by a pleasant surprise; not only was his mother there, but so were Eddie's mother and son.
"Tía!" he said, hugging Marisol. Though he and Eddie of course weren't related by blood, they still had close relationships with each other's mothers and called them their tías. He smiled, pulling back, then turned to Eddie's son. "Javi, you're growing so fast!" he said in awe. Javier smiled shyly and Rafael ruffled his hair.
"Thank you all," he said softly, looking at the four of them. "I appreciate you all being here."
"It's no problem, Rafael," Marisol said and hugged him again. He smiled, hugging her as gently but firmly as he could. He had missed her so much during those years when he and Eddie had drifted apart, and now that she was frail and sick with kidney failure, he was more and more aware of how much she meant to him. He was never going to lose touch with them again.
"How are you, Rafael?" Marisol stroked his cheek.
"Bien, Tía," he said softly. "As good as I can be, given the circumstances."
"We were so worried about you," she said. "Don't scare me like that!" She was smiling, but Rafael still felt uncomfortable.
"I'll try not to," he said, grinning wryly. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his exhaustion. He appreciated Eddie bringing them here, but now he didn't feel able to go to sleep; he didn't want to let them down.
"How are you doing in school, Javi?" Rafael said softly, hoping to deflect the attention from his injury. "I heard you're learning about animals? Owls, right?"
"Yeah!" Javier exclaimed, excited. "We got to take apart owl pellets in class yesterday. Sometimes they leave mouse bones in there."
"Sounds interesting. What's your favorite kind of owl?"
"Barn owls!"
As Javier prattled about owls, Rafael found it harder to keep his eyes open. He tried to at least appear interested, but soon was so obviously exhausted that Eddie told him, "Come on, Rafi, go to bed. We don't mind."
"No, I could… I could stay up a while longer," Rafael lied feebly. "I could order a pizza for dinner and we could watch a movie."
"Rafael, mijo, you don't have to entertain us," Isabel said softly, grabbing his hand and patting it. "We came here to cheer you up. That's all. We'll be fine while you sleep."
"If you're sure," Rafael said, standing. Eddie came to his side to help him. "Javi, you can tell me more about the owls later, okay? And Tía, thank you for coming. Feel better."
Eddie helped him to his bedroom. Rafael sighed deeply as he laid down, relishing the feeling of his own pillow. The hospital bedding felt like paper in comparison in both thickness and texture. "Thanks for bringing everyone over, Eddie," he murmured, opening his eyes. "I missed you all so much. I'm sorry I…" He swallowed. "You know."
"It's okay, Rafi. What's important is that you're here now, right?"
Rafael smiled slightly. "I guess so. I'm happy to be here." He bit his lip. "Not just to be here, but to be here."
After a brief silence, Eddie murmured, "Rafi, I'm so… I'm so happy you're alive. I thought you weren't going to..."
"I'm glad I am too," Rafael said, struggling to find the words. "I wasn't… I'm not… I'm not ready to go. I want to live for a long time." He remembered bleeding out in Eddie's arms and shivered. It could so easily have gone the other way. "I don't want to leave you all till you're done with me." He laughed softly.
"I don't want you to go either," Eddie said, sitting down next to him. "Never. It's gotta happen one day but not now." He closed his eyes, and suddenly he looked almost as tired as Rafael. "Christ, it's a miracle we even grew up without getting shot."
"Yeah," Rafael agreed, looking at the ceiling. "Sometimes I can still hear the gunshots. People screaming."
"Me too." Eddie fiddled with the blanket. "Think it'll ever go away?"
"Maybe. I hope." Rafael exhaled slowly through his nose. "I still can't believe after all that, it was trying to save a guy from getting mugged that got me shot."
Eddie looked devastated, gazing at Rafael in silence. Rafael tried to soften the blow somewhat, but Eddie spoke before he could.
"You keep telling me not to be sorry. That it wasn't my fault." He looked away. "But I keep… When you got shot…" He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. His voice dropped to a whisper. "When you passed out, I thought I'd lost you. You looked so… You weren't moving; you were barely breathing. I thought you were gone. And I… I begged God to save you. I couldn't take it. Thinking of what would happen if you died… never seeing you again…" His voice cracked, and Eddie actually began to cry. Rafael had only seen him cry one other time as an adult, and that had been when Javi was born.
"I can't do it, Rafi," Eddie whispered hoarsely. "I need you. I can't do this without you. When we grew apart and barely talked anymore, it hurt so much. I couldn't…" He shook his head again. "But you came back. This was different. I thought I was going to lose you and I can't. I can't do it."
"Eddie…" Rafael breathed. "I-I thought I was going to die too. And I… I would have regretted so many things." He inhaled slowly. "This is one of the only ones I can fix. I'll never do that again, I promise. You mean too much to me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I turned my back on you. Never again. You'll always be family to me. I… I…" Tears were flowing down his face now, and he wasn't sure how much of it was simply because Eddie was crying. "I don't think I'd be alive if you hadn't protected me," he whispered. "I know you don't see it but you've always been the one to keep me safe."
He remembered the gangs attacking him with surprising violence for kindergartners. Where would he be if not for Eddie's intervention? Not in a good place.
He wiped the tears from his cheeks. "We'll take care of each other again. Like always."
"Yeah," Eddie whispered, mirroring his motions. "I gotta protect you better than ever. Can't let you get yourself shot again." They laughed weakly. It felt good to laugh, as grim as the joke was.
Rafael wrapped one arm around Eddie's shoulders. "Está bien."
"I should be tellin' you that," Eddie said. He hugged Rafael tightly. Rafael returned the embrace, closing his eyes and relaxing.
There was that feeling again, that feeling he'd had ever since he was little. That feeling that as long as Eddie was there, he was safe. Even though he had gotten shot with Eddie there, even though Eddie couldn't protect him from everything, he still felt like all was right in the world as long as Eddie was there to protect him.
"It's okay, Rafi," Eddie said.
Rafael smiled faintly. "It's okay," he repeated.
"Bye, Eddie!" Rafael said. "Thanks for coming over."
"No problem. Next weekend we'll go to my place," Eddie said.
"Yeah! It'll be fun!" Rafael agreed. He fidgeted for a moment, then added, "Sorry I stole your blankie."
"It's no big deal. What are brothers for? And I found another one anyway."
Rafael smiled. "You and Alex are the best brothers ever."
"We're the Three Musketeers forever!" Eddie vowed.
"Yeah!" Rafael exclaimed.
It wasn't that Rafael had meant to not end the hug, but… he didn't. He stayed in Eddie's embrace, accepting the comfort he so desperately needed and hadn't realized how badly until now. He didn't care that they were guys and someone might think it was weird. It felt too good for him to care.
He was done caring what other people thought. And even if he did still care, it wasn't like anyone else would see them now.
Eddie had started rubbing his back, talking to him softly in Spanish, and Rafael had never felt better. The exhaustion didn't matter, the pain didn't matter.
He could feel Eddie's heart beating faster, and he wondered what was causing it. He pulled away. "Are you nervous?" he asked.
Eddie looked away, but breathed, "yeah."
"About what?" Rafael asked softly.
"I… I don't…" Eddie looked down. He squeezed Rafael's blanket in his hands, looking terrified. "Do you still like guys?"
Oh. Suddenly things clicked into place and Rafael wondered how he hadn't figured it out sooner.
"I do," he said. "Why do you ask?" His heart was pounding too now.
Eddie looked up and murmured, "you're the smart one, Rafi. You get me. You know why."
Rafael rested a hand on Eddie's shoulder. "How long, Eddie?"
"Since high school. I tried to make it go away. Felt like I was letting my family down too much without that too. I know it isn't letting them down now, but then…" He sighed. "You're the only guy I ever liked, but I could never feel for Chela or any of the girls I got with what I felt for you."
"I'm sorry," Rafael whispered.
"No, it's not... not your fault," Eddie said.
"Yeah," Rafael murmured and gave a sad smile. "Since high school?" Eddie nodded but stayed silent. Rafael leaned back and groaned softly. "Now I feel like I wasted 25 years of my life."
"You…" Eddie began.
Rafael smiled at him. "You always protected me. I felt… I felt cared for. And I cared for you too. You were the reason I realized I was bi. But you were straight, I thought."
"I wanted you to think that," Eddie said and exhaled slowly.
"You did a good job." Rafael laughed once. "You had me convinced. And if you had me convinced, everyone else had to have been too." He reached out hesitantly and grabbed Eddie's hand. "I tried to get over it. That's when I fell for Lauren and then Yelina."
"When you fell for them, I thought that was proof you didn't feel the same. And I thought I couldn't make you as happy as they could," Eddie said.
"You would have made me just as happy," Rafael said. "No, you would have made me happier. If I had gotten with you instead of Yelina..." he trailed off.
"I think I know now. But hindsight, and all that," Eddie said. "I wish I could have been with you instead of Yelina."
"I wish things had been different. But maybe it's a good thing," Rafael mused. "Makes it more special now."
"Yeah," Eddie said thoughtfully. "Assuming-"
"I'm ready if you are." There wasn't any question, weren't any ifs. This was it as far as Rafael was concerned.
"That settles it, then." Eddie smiled and looked over at Rafael.
It felt almost too easy. But it also felt right. Like that safe feeling he had every time he was with Eddie.
But…
"I want to talk more," he told Eddie regretfully, "but… I'm tired."
"Go to sleep, Rafi," Eddie said softly. "We can talk when you wake up."
"If I sleep a while, feel free to leave. I know how your mom has been."
"I'll wake you up before we go if that happens," Eddie promised him.
"Okay." Rafael smiled.
"Okay," Eddie echoed. He returned Rafael's smile and stroked Rafael's forehead.
Rafael closed his eyes and reveled in the feeling of safety Eddie brought as he fell asleep.