Before anyone reads this:
Please, please don't take this seriously. It's a joke fic, and a really bad joke fic, at that. I started writing it for my brother, so of has some inside jokes between me and him, but I'm posting it here anyway, because otherwise it just sits on my computer taking up space.
So, I'm putting this in the Homestuck section, but there are other fandoms too. Lord of the Rings, Death Note, Welcome to Night Vale, RWBY, and probably way more. I'm still writing this, because I have no life.
I may or may not post anything decent on this account. I probably will eventually. I'm actually a fairly good writer when I want to be (I did not want to be while writing this fanfic).
Anyway, again, this is a joke, everyone is OOC on purpose, please don't hate me.
Once upon a time Legolas was riding a horse.
"What a cool horse," he said.
Then his horse stepped on Equius.
"Oh shit," Legolas said.
"OH THE IRONY," said Equius, and then he died.
Nepeta attacked Legolas, and he nobly fended her off and rode into the woods. Then he was lost. He kept riding because he didn't know what else to do. Then his horse died for no reason and he had to walk. He decided to take his horse with him for food, though.
As he was walking, he found a crabcake in the woods.
"Oh look more food," Legolas said, picking up the crabcake.
"WHAT THE FUCK," the crabcake said.
"Oh, you're alive?" said Legolas.
"FUCKETY," said the crabcake.
"Would you like to be my companion?" asked Legolas.
"NO," said the crabcake.
Legolas put the crabcake in his companion pocket. Then he kept walking.
"Hello," said a random voice.
"Who are you?" Legolas asked.
"No one," said the random voice.
"Oh okay," said Legolas.
The random voice was never relevant again.
Then Legolas got to a friendly desert community where the sun was hot, the moon was beautiful, and mysterious lights passed overhead while all its weird ass citizens pretended to sleep.
"Wait how am I in a desert I was just in the woods," Legolas said.
Shut up, said the narrator.
Legolas walked into the town. Someone walked by eating feathers. Legolas was confused.
"Why are you confused?" Cecil asked.
"Who are you?" Legolas asked.
"Cecil," said Cecil.
"Oh. Hi Cecil," Legolas said to Cecil.
"Hi," Cecil said, not to Cecil. "Why are you dragging a gigantic dead horse around?"
Then Legolas was eaten by an escaped librarian.
"Oh," said Cecil.
Then he and Carlos went to their house and made hot science.
"FUCKETY," said a lone voice.
It was the crabcake, who had survived the librarian attack.
The crabcake dragged itself along the dusty streets.
"I'M NOT A CRABCAKE," said the crabcake. "I'M JUST A NORMAL TROLL. MY NAME'S KARKAT. I'M NOT EVEN DRAGGING MYSELF I'M JUST WALKING LIKE A NORMAL GODDAMN PERSON."
The crabcake dragged itself along the dusty streets.
"I HATE YOU," said the crabcake.
Then Earl came and took the horse to eat.
"WHY DO ALL OF YOU FREAKS WANT TO EAT THAT HORSE," said the crabcake. "I'M LEAVING. THIS TOWN IS WEIRD."
Then the crabcake suddenly appeared in Equestria.
"OH FUCK NO," said the crabcake.
Then the dead horse appeared next to him, along with Earl. Earl looked very confused. The horse looked very dead.
All the Equestrian ponies screamed at the dead horse and ran away in terror. The dead horse lay on the ground, being dead. The crabcake shrieked. Earl cried because he hated his life.
"WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" asked the crabcake.
"Where did my son come from?" said Earl.
"WHAT'S A SON?" asked the crabcake.
"I don't know anymore!" said Earl.
"UMMM...OKAY. HEY, SO DO YOU NEED SOME HELP, OR..."
Earl didn't respond. He just starting eating the dead horse. All the poor Equestrian ponies were traumatized. All the pony therapists' income level went up 88% after that day.
"It was horrible," Rarity said in an interview done for the documentary filmed five years later, titled 'the Secret Lives of Ponies.' "Our lives were never the same." She wiped a tear from her cheek.
"UH...RIGHT, OKAY. I'M GONNA BE GOING, THEN," said the crabcake, going.
He kept going until he had goed all the way to Japan.
All the anime characters in the world jumped on him, shouting things like, "Kawaii!" "Nya!" and "CARTOONS AND ANIME ARE DIFFERENT YOU STUPID WEEABOO UGGGH."
The crabcake suffocated and the narrator never had to switch back and forth repeatedly between normal capitalization and caps lock ever again.
But in the shadows, there was the one anime character who did not participate.
It was...Hello!
Wait, fuck, what the hell, Autocorrect.
"Lips," said Autocorrect.
What?
"I meant Lola," said Autocorrect. "I mean lolz."
Okay, whatever.
It was...Jello!
Fricking...
It was...Mello!
Oh thank god.
Jello was too emo and angsty to participate in any squealing and/or suffocating. He turned to his sidekick, Autocorrect.
"Autocorrect, we will get our revenge," he said.
"For want?" asked Autocorrect.
"What?" asked Mellon.
"For what?" asked Autocorrect.
"Oh. Against Near!" said Bellow, looking out of the pile of anime characters.
Near sat at the top of the pile of anime characters, playing with toys. Narrow narrowed his eyes.
"Yes," Jello said. "We will get our revenge."
In the meantime, Earl was still eating a horse.
Ponies were crying.
Earl was crying.
Everyone was dead inside.
Finally, all the anime characters returned to their houses, including Near.
"This is our chance," Solo said.
"Play," said Autocorrect. "Km reach."
"Shut the fuck up and stop changing my name," Cello said.
"Worry," said Autocorrect. "I mean, sorry."
"Whew," said Mello. "That feels much better."
Together, Mello and Autocorrect trekked to Bear's house. It was a long journey. It took ten painstaking minutes.
"Did you just change Near's name to Bear?" asked Mello.
Autocorrect nodded.
"But Near is a word," Mello said. "At least my name's not a real word."
Autocorrect shrugged. He didn't understand how he worked. He just knew that everyone hated him, despite his occasional helpfulness.
"I just helper someone's spell occasional," said Autocorrect.
"Uh-huh, that's great," Mello said, knocking on Bear's door.
Near opened the door and shot Mello in the head.
Autocorrect ran away.
Near blew the smoke from his gun all coolly and shit the door.
"I hate you so much, Autocorrect," said Near.
Near blew the smoke from his gun all coolly and shut the door.
"I'm an action hero," whispered Near.
"FUCKETY," said a lone voice.
Darn it, I thought you were dead.
And Cecil and Carlos finished making hot science.
Then Jeff walked up to Near's house and knocked on the door.
Near opened it.
"The fuck do you want?" Near asked.
"The fuck do I not want?" Jeff asked.
"Whoa," said Near.
"FUCK," said crabcake.
"Why the hell is that crabcake talking?" asked Near.
"I'M NOT A GODDAMN CRABCAKE," said the crabcake.
Jeff stepped into Near's house and shut the door.
"Are we having sex?" Near asked.
"No. We're standing in your house."
"No. I meant, like, later or something."
"No I'm a heterosexual," Jeff said.
"Oh. Me too," Near lied.
"I'm here to talk to you about something very different," Jeff said.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"The fuck is it, then?"
"You just committed murder."
"No I didn't," Near said.
"There's a dead body right outside your house."
"It's not my dead body."
"I saw you shoot him."
"I have a twin."
"Where is he, then?" Jeff asked.
"I killed him."
"..." Jeff said.
Near realized his mistake. "Oh," he said. "Shit," he said.
"It's fine, though," said Jeff. "My middle name is The, and my last name is Killer."
"So you kill people?" Near asked.
"Yeah. Sorta weird how my name worked out like that. Anyway," Jeff reached out a hand, "I would like you to join me in my mission to kill everyone."
Near took his hand, and they stepped out into the sunlight together.
"Okay, so now where are we going?" Near asked.
"I dunno. I never know what to do after dramatically romantic moments."
"Romantic?" Near asked.
"Yeah. I'm heterosexual, though," Jeff said.
"Oh. Me too," Near lied.