A/N: DRABBLE, This is set just after the time that Raito regains his memory and goes all smexy a.k.a evil again. Review and tell me what you think. :D
Summary: RaitoxL. Maybe that was love. People said love is the wish to serve in order to make this someone feel good. But when Raito kissed Misa, he never thought of wanting her to feel good. He had discovered a new want among the old ones. Raito wanted to touch L.
Word count: 987 (Does it still count as a drabble:S)
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Dust Blush
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The Shinigami eyes.
That used to be one of the main topics that Raito went through in his bed at night. Frustrated, angry, raging, furious about the fact that he didn't acquire the real name of L this day either.
Of course, he would keep a straight face. He would never reveal anything to anyone, not even to Ryuk whom wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it anyway.
But the Shinigami eyes were not something Raito desired when it would come at that cost. This lifespan of his, he needed every second of it. Yet… the eyes…. He wanted them. He wanted them without paying the price. He wanted them He wanted the unconditionally like a stubborn child as he in many aspects still was.
But then Misa came. She had the eyes, and she was but a tool, never a threat.
This made Raito feel something. He didn't know what feeling it was, and therefore had no name for it. He sometimes wondered, was that was the so called love felt like? When Raito imagined how he could use the eyes for his own purpose, it sent pleasant jolts of electricity down his nerve system, triggering a rush of well-being. Like after a victory, these jolts would please Raito more than anything.
Raito had figured, maybe he loved Misa for possessing the Shinigami eyes.
But when he had kissed her, he had not done it in search of love, comfort and nor had he done it only to please her. He had done it for strictly nothing else but his own personal gain. At the same time, Misa had claimed that whatever made Raito happy made her happier. So from a certain angle Raito was devoting and risking his whole life for the single purpose of Misa's happiness, as she had stated.
Maybe that was love. People said love is the wish to serve in order to make this someone feel good.
But when Raito kissed Misa, he never thought of wanting her to feel good.
He didn't want to kiss her. He barely wanted to touch her.
This was apparently something that would not apply to everyone in the world as Raito had recently learned. He had discovered a new want among the old ones. Not only did he wish for Misa not to touch him, and to know L's real name, he… Raito wanted…
Raito wanted…
Raito wanted to touch L.
Even when he had lost all memories of the Death Note, and even as he was imprisoned by L, he still wanted to touch L. Even as he regained his memory, he still wanted to touch L.
Still, his one goal remained unchanged.
He wanted to know L's name.
But the reasons for this want changed. No longer did he want it to write upon one of the Death Note pages, but to softly whisper into one's ear. A name to tell people about, a name of reassurance.
The goal remained the same. Raito wanted a name to go along with that face.
The intents and foremost, the feelings Raito never thought he would harbour however, changed. He now wanted L for everything. For everything Raito had ever desired.
Raito wanted L and his name to finally obtain the ultimate power over this world as Kira, the one and pure God of this Earth.
Raito wanted L and his name to call in the morning, asking in which cupboard L had undoubtedly hidden the sweets, including his morning cup of coffee.
Raito wanted L and his name to write in the note, having Ryuk chuckling, amused, saying that if he had had the eyes all along, all this work and scheming would have been unnecessary. Then he would eat an apple. A red one.
Raito wanted L and his name to think about during sleepless nights, comparing L to other people only to have the others fade away, leaving nothing but L to fill his mind with… something akin to love.
Raito wanted L and his name just out of spite when he looked into L's eyes as he died, and to know a long time after that death.
Raito wanted L and his name because of the simple reason that Raito wanted to know the name of the man he loved, to be able to let it roll off his tongue before proudly presenting something he had made purely for L. He would receive one of his crooked, awkward and adorable little smiles.
Raito needed the name to write upon the alabaster tombstone. In front of it he'd either laugh of cry, he didn't know which. Until it happened, Raito would never know. He would never be able to tell that, even though each half of him knew the exact answer.
Different answers, but true ones the same.
Raito turned his eyes to the other side of the couch where L sat. Legs crunched up against his chest, toes fiddling back and forth, eyes looking unfocused even though they certainly were not, hands cramped around a cup of sugar with a few drops of coffee.
A plate with a French dessert, containing among other things strawberries and plain vanilla ice-cream stood on the coffee table in front of him, spoon ready right next to it.
L's eyes shifted towards him, sneaking a look, analyzing.
Raito hastily looked away, traced the outlining of the wooden door instead. Maybe a little pink dust coated his cheeks for just a moment, and then disappeared as quickly as it had came.
Raito knew that L took note of it.
But Raito wouldn't know that L understood the complexity of the dust blush as he himself was somewhat torn between halves as well, concerning this very matter. Only L was not arguing with the two halves of his heart, but between his sense and his feelings.
So Raito took the dust blush and saved it for later.